Living with Your mother-in-law........HELP!

It sounds like you did not lay down the rules before she moved in. So maybe that is what is missing. Find out from her how she sees her life looking as well. You tell her what she should be doing but maybe you need to listen to her first and then determine the rules of the house so you are all happy

H. S,
I know that you are a big girl, I just really hope that you are not as selfish as you seem to come across. I have read your request several times and I do not want to be offensive, but in matters such as this, I will just shoot from the hip. First and foremost, it is a very honorable thing that you and your husband has done. The genorosity is overwhelmingly kind. I commend you straight off the bat for that. There are so few families who do extend their homes to elderly family, they would rather stash them in ALF's and Nursing Homes and be rid of the problems and company. I am able to say this, because I had been an Executive Director over ALF's and long term care facilities for many years until I retired. I want you to step outside of self for a moment and think of your mother in law.
Her entire world has changed just as yours has, she has cut some losses and is trying to accept her lot in life now. The Aging process is very vicious and it takes away a certain amount of independability in many. Can you think of what she must be shouldering, knowing daily that she has to live with her son now. As we get older, the roles change, parents become the children and children become the parents. It is never an easy task. It is also a thankless labor of love. I can tell you that, because I cared for my mother who was bed ridden for a year before she opted to come off the machines. There were many, many sleepless days and endless nights. I would not exchange that time in my life now, no matter what physical, emotional and mental stress it put on me for anything. Many were the times I wanted to just run away, but had it not been for my mother, I would not be here now, neither would your husband. Enough of that. You know, I think that you should pray and ask the Lord for guidance. You seem to think that you can do it all alone, and that she is putting you in that position which is robbing your freedoms. Don't misunderstand me, you and your husband need free time, but she is lonely and afraid. Step back a moment and look at her, not with all of the pretention and contention that is building up. She can feel your vibe, but you both invited her into your home and that makes her a part of your family in larger ways than you had considered prior. In all of this God has a plan. It will develope you and refine you and your husband into what HE needs you to be. I also live in a two story home, pretty much like what you described only I have 2 bedrooms upstairs. Down stairs is where the family lives, and interacts in your home, where do you want her to go? So you told her you needed space and she comes down the stairs 5 minutes later, and she does this all day? You seem to be making yourself very unhappy because she is burdening you both and getting into your way. What do you want to do with her, she is not a pet, she is not in an apartment, the room situation with her being upstairs is isolating, could some of you swith bedrooms with her. What is wrong with her listening to you guys talk if it is not private matters? Be careful, you will have to get older one day, and your husband can and is observing how you are handling this situation. Do not try to insert yourself in an authoritative position over your husbands mother with him, you will cause marital problems and resentments as well. If you would be kinder, and include her more, the situation would change. I sure am glad that you are not my daughter in law. You can be around people your age, get a personal assistant, cna to come in on her medicaid and medicare. I have to tell you It sounds to me that you and your attitude is the problem, and that you are lighting small fires. I may be wrong, and I will eat crow if I am, but I think you need to tap into your community resources, and explain to your mom in law that these are here to help her, because you are just a little over extended. Buy a medicine dispenser, and set the pills up for morning noon and night. What's the big deal. I think you a causing stressors and you are possibly afraid that your husband may change with his mother in your household.

1. Don't speak negative about his mother with or to him.
2. Be a help and not a hinder.
3. Pray really hard and ask the Lord to help you, because as it sounds now, you are going to hurt many feelings, and end good relationships if you do not get in control of yourself.
4. You can help and enrich your family life and private life with your husband.
5. Stop giving your household your stress.

YES THAT IS YOUR HOUSE, SO WHY ARE YOU GOING INTO ANOTHER ROOM? THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE NASTY TO ME, BUT WHERE WOULD YOU LIVE IF THE SON SHE BORE DID NOT HELP MAKE IT POSSIBLE TO LIVE IN THAT SAME HOUSE?

GET HELP FOR YOURSELF TO ACCEPT THE CHALLENGES OF HAVING HER IN YOUR HOME, OTHERWISE, YOU MAY WIND UP BEING ABUSIVE IN SUTTLE WAYS TO HER.

WHAT IS THE REAL ISSUE H.? I AM PRAYING FOR YOU, BECAUSE, IT IS NEVER WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH DEAR, IT IS THE ATTITUDE YOU HAVE WHILE YOU ARE GOING THROUGH IT.

DON'T LET THIS BE THE TEST YOU FAIL.

Whatever you decide to do, just please make sure in your quiet moments alone that you step back from the situation and put yourself in her shoes and try to understand where she is coming from. Maybe have a couple of hours each evening when you request that she stays upstairs (maybe rent her some movies or something) but otherwise she should be allowed the privilege to not have to live alone upstairs likes a caged animal. I think often about my grandmother who never learned how to drive, and once my grandfather got too old to drive and no longer had a car, they were trapped in their own home every single day 24/7 unless someone took them out or they went for a short walk. I often wish I could turn back time and spend more time with them, but now they're gone... so now I can only look toward the future and make sure me and my kids spend quality time with my mom and in-laws, and hope that when I'm old I'll be treated well and won't have to be lonely. Maybe you can have a "curfew" for her that she has to be upstairs at a certain time in the evening so you can have family time with your son and then alone time with your husband.

This is a hard situation because as children we are obligated to take care of our parents as they age. I know it is a very uncommon thing in the USA for aging parents to be living in a home with their adult children but it is a very common situation in most other countries. I personally, would hate living with my mother-in-law but if there were a situation in which she had to live with us I would let her. Your mother-in-law obviously raised a good son. If she is able, she should be helping around the house... You should not be her slave, if she can do certain things...If she can climb stairs she can fold laundry! Most mother in laws like to feel needed. I bet if you ask her to help with something, I bet she would rise to the occasion. No one likes to feel like they are a burden and I'll bet she feels that way...most older people are depressed and lonely. It is a stressful situation but it is not forever. Im sure your husband is just as stessed as you are because he feels like he has to satisfy two women. One thing for sure it is never easy to do the right thing. You and your husbund sound like good people who are doing the right thing. Just keep in mind" This too shall pass"

Sounds like she just wants to be a part of the family and spend time with all of you. Have you thought about inviting her to join you in play with your son, rather than her sitting and watching you? Have you engaged her in conversation, rather than just letting her "listen in"? Maybe if she were more involved in the family unit, part of the time, that would fill her need, and should would be able to actually give you more alone time. She is more than just a person for you to provide a roof for, she is family.

She sounds bored and lonely to me. I certainly would not be content to spend my days leaving the other people who live in the same house alone up in my room. You don't know how much longer she'll be a part of your lives.
I understand your need for privacy and that you do want to enjoy your family without feeling supervised. But you did invite her to live with you. She's a part of that family now.
You mentioned that she has no hobbies. Maybe you could help out there to get her interested in something outside the house. Contact the local Council on Aging and see what activities they offer. Get her some simple crafts or puzzles that help her mind stay sharp and take some time. Let her plant a garden or some flowers that need tending on a regular basis. Give her some household chores to do to make her feel like she is still needed.
yes, she is old and needs care, but try not to forget the life that she has led. She has a wealth of experience and knowledge that you could possibly benefit from if you open up and just accept her presence. You don't have to agree with her or want her around 24/7 to be a good family member. But you do need to respect the fact that she lives there too. The Council on Aging can help in many ways with yourself and your husband as well. There may be support groups or videos, literature that can help you deal with caring for an older relative.
I'm sorry this is a stressful time for you. I hope you find something to help. Maybe just a change in perspective as the other moms suggested. Imagine yourself in her shoes and how you'd feel knowing that you could no longer care for yourself and had to rely on your children for everything. And also knowing that they would rather not have you around. Good luck!

I can hear the stress in your message, but you did invite her to live in your home. Where do you expect ehr to go? Can you imagine how sad it would be to be banished to the upstairs when all the action, laughs, etc are going on downstairs.

You need to make her apart of your family. Talk freely in front of her, as she is now a part of your immediate family. Also, ask her to help out, watch your son, wash dishes, dust, etc. She will probably be glad to help out.

Best of luck,
S.

H.,

I feel your frustration. However I thankfully have never been in this situation and I cannot even imagine what you are going through. But the only thing that I can suggest is that maybe you can do some research yourself to find out what kind of senior activities are available for her near you that might pick her up and drop her off. I have heard of these services and I know that there are some that cost and some that don't. I would look into and as for her errands I would let her know that you will be limiting the errands to once a week or when you run your errands. So a list should be made of items needed for when errands are to be ran all necessary items will be picked up then, toiletries, medications, etc... There shouldn't be all this running around 2,3 or 4 times a week. As for her not respecting your time with your husband I would have him sit down with her since it is his mother and have him explain to her that since she is living there, there are some rules that need to be followed. But up a white board at the top of the stairs or something permanent that says H.'s, John's and Adams (sorry didn't know your husband or son's names) Time alone, no visitors at this time!!!! Visitors hours at such and such time! Thank you for your cooperation! Use your imagination. But I do think that your husband should really sit down and talk to her since it is his mother. She may listen to him a little more than you.

Good luck.

S.
35 y/o SAHM of 3 boys
14, 6 and 3

I can understand your situation. I do live something like that...Just pretend that thing are Ok in meantime and try to look it up for your own space... Mother in law further from my house...Sooner or later will bring problems to you family.

bE THANKFUL SHE STILL HAS HER MIND. mY MOTHER HAD A DAUGHTER TO HELP HER OUT BUT MOM COULD NOT BE LEFT ALONE FOR A MINUTE. THENMY DAD DIED MOM DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHO HE WAS OR WHO I WAS
tHE CHURCH AND CITY SHOULD HAVE ACTIVITIES FOR ELDERS, WHERE SHE'D BE WITH LIKE AGE AND MAYBE THAT WILL SPIN OFF TO SOMETHING ELSE.iNVITE PEOPLE HER AGE OVER. cHILDREN NEED TO GET EVERYTHING OUT OF THEIR PARENTS' NAMES SO ON THE BOOKS THEY ARE TOTALLY BROKE, tHE GOVERNMENT WILL THEN CHIP IN MORE TO HELP. PUT IT IN YOUR HUSBAND'S NAME. MY HUSBAND'S PARENTS DIED BEFORE WE WERE MARRIED

You certainly have received a lot of feedback on this. I agree with a lot of what people said and thought I might offer a few ideas.
-Maybe have a family night once a week. All of you play games, go do something fun together, have an interactive meal, etc. During this night, you can have a family meeting too where everyone can postively and respectfully discuss things. Remember to always start any negative statement with a positive one. I'm not sure if you have heard of Franklin Covey, but one of the ideas he talks about is making deposits into relationships just like you would a bank account. You can only expect to take, take, take so much out of an account(relationship) without putting deposits in. Put some deposits into the relationship with your mominlaw and you will all benefit from it. Also, who's to say that if you start spending "quality" time together..maybe she'll actually get tired of hanging out with you all look for other things to do (LOL).
-I definitely think it's a great idea to have her be responsible for some specific chores. If she won't leave the house to pursue a hobby...bring it home to her. Maybe she likes to read, quilt, etc. Of course, I think you have to be gentle with how you suggest this. Maybe surprise her with a gift of supplies for a hobby your hubby thinks she would like. After all, noone wants to feel like they're being pushed to the side.
-If you have a dog, maybe ask her to walk it. My grandfather loved going for walks with our dog when he would visit. Sometimes he would be gone for an hour or so because he would find someone to talk to.
-Perhaps you can be more active without her. Go to playgroups, parks, etc. to get out.
-Remember that in a lot of ways your MIL probably sees this as the end. She's lost all that was normal and her own. I know as a woman I take a lot of pride in running my own household and family and she doesn't have that anymore. She is living with someone else and would probably feel like a burden no matter if you all got along wonderfully.
-Try to treat her as you would a stranger. I say this because a lot of times we are nicer to the Walmart cashier or someone at a store than we are to our own family. That always makes me think.
-Whatever you do, tread carefully if/when you discuss any of this with her and try to have your husband do most of the talking since it is HIS mom. She is more likely to be forgiving and understanding of him if something comes out wrong than to you. Also, don't talk out of anger. I had a family member live with us once for an anticipated 2 years and because of lack of effective communication it ended badly...she moved out....and I feel at peace knowing that it was because of issues she was dealing with and not how we treated her. It was almost a year before I ever heard from her again. In a situation like your mil, a year could mean a lot and you don't ever want to have regrets.

Best of luck whatever you choose! I know it must be hard and it must seem so frustrating. Just do the best you can so that at the end of the day you can lay your head down on your pillow knowing that you were the kind of person that said and did the kind of things that you would hope for your son to do one day.

Have you ever thought that it could be the other way around? That it is your mother living with you?? You are describing my mom on your request. My mom lives with us and acts the same way that your mil does. You dont mention if your mil helps you around the house, It would probably be a good idea to give her some easy chores to keep her entertained. They need to feel important and needed, always remember that. My mom works part time, but she still has energy left at the end o fthe day and I let her do everything and anything she wants just so she can keep herself busy.

You have to be patient, I, as a daughter have to be patient every day. But I stop and think that only God knows how much longer we'll have her around.

best of luck.

Hi H.,

I have been in your shoes before, but my husband and baby were the intruders. As a mother of four children, two teenagers, we have learned that there is no such thing as privacy anymore, even in our room, we have to make sure we talk quietly about private things. It can be a hard decision to invite someone to live with you. Althought I symapthize with your need for privacy, you did invite her to LIVE with you and not just rent a room. I would feel so unwanted and a burden if I was banned to my room. Just like you dont feel comfortable hanging out in your room, she is uncomfortable hanging out in her room all day. It would be nice of she were gone part of the day, but she's not an active person. I think you need to decide with your husband if having her there is going to continue to be an option, letting her know, its not her personally, but you feel that is this stage of your lives, your family isn't suited to sharing your space with someone else. Perhaps there are other older single women who might be interested in a roommate. At the same time, be grateful that an extended memner of your sons family wants to know him and be an important person in his life. The truth of the matter is you DO live with someone else. If your child were older, you wouldn't expect them to go away and leave you to your privacy, you would know that living with someone means you all share the common areas.
I hope you come to a peaceful situation soon, until then, remember that this time will pass and contiunue to look for other options.

Hi H.,

I have had both my parents in my home, as well as my husband's parents. Some with their minds, some without! Family is a very difficult thing but we accept it because it is family. I KNOW she is scared, alone and doesn't know what the next step in her life is. She needs comfort and that is what your family time together is for her. I do know that this will be a learning experience for your son and will shape his character. I know he's young but my kids were too when all this started in their lives. They have been molded into young women that care for the elderly and that crave to be around them. They find wisdom in their counsel and are very gentle with all ages.

Don't get me wrong, I understand the frustrations you are having but please cherish this time. When I lost my mom, I lost my best friend. Befriend her and try to take these things in stride. MOST cultures live 3 or 4 generations to a home for their entire lives. Instead of trying to get her to leave the room, have you thought about bringing one of her friends over? If she doesn't have any, I'm sure she can make some... Or you can bring an elder sitter in for her. She'll thrive and you'll have some "me" time.

Teach your son the value of the elderly and maybe when it comes down to it you'll have a loving place to be when you're in her situation.

God bless you for your sacrifice!

M.

As someone who has lived with a Father In Law I know how you feel. I don't know if you check this post often but I feel bad that some of these answers are very harsh towards you. You deserve privacy, it is your home. Your MIL had already raised her children and lived that family life...it is NOW you and your husbands turn. It is not selfish, this is your once in a lifetime chance to do that. To me it is burdensome and I would not do this to my children when they grow up. This sounds harsh but everyone deserves to raise their children their way.

My FIL was the same. We lived in our 2bd home and he didn't have any hobbies and didn't make friends. He didn't work because of disability. This was his childhood home, my now husband bought and fixed it up. We married after he moved out. Husband still works nights so guess what? I would have no space or privacy, had no bedroom to go and relax in...he just sat and watched tv and would hog the tv knowing I couldn't go anywhere else until my husband woke up to go to work at 11pm, then My FIL would go to bed! He cooked and bought food which was great but I felt I couldn't watch my own shows or be by myself and he didn't clean up after himself either. He didn't finally move out until we suggest he find affordable housing through this disability, the waitlist was 2yrs he moved to a temp apt until he was next to get an apartment. You could suggest affordable housing to her if she is disabled or get money from the state. I feel the same way about having to entertain someone who is capable of doing it themselves, she sounds like she is still mobile. It is not your fault she isn't finding hobbies or something to do. You could suggest the housing and tell her to come visit certain days.

I know how you must feel, my monster-in-law lives with us too. She was born with mild cerebral palsy and uses her handicap to her full advantage. My husband was raised by his grandmother, who is fed-up with her daughter and wants little to do with her anymore. So there is tension there. They squabble like siblings which can be almost-funny but mostly pathetic because she has a sailor's mouth. Mother-in-law can, but does-not take care of herself in most capacities. She refuses to do anything for herself and seldom ever helps with anything, unless it involves eating. She doesn't cook, doesn't clean and doesn't clean up after herself. She's spoiled rotten and to make matters worse, she's messy, dirty & a complete rude b!tch. Trust me, I feel your pain, there are several days I fantasize of drowning her in the toilet.
If your only issue is that she's lonely and wants to be a part of your family, then you're better off than most of us who suffer.

I would set up appointment on your calendar (that she has access to) of "date night" or "parent & kid time" where she should be excused to her upstairs apartment. You should also schedule time for her on the calendar as well so that she feels "included".

Contact your local senior center for additional assistance with ideas on helping her with her bordem. Perhaps they have a Bingo night or Art Class or something were she can have 1 or 2 regular nights to chat with others her own age.

GURL.....I FEEL YOUR PAIN & FRUSTRATION!!!!That being said....what all the other posts fail to mention is the fact that you are obviously a very caring person because you and your husband DO have your MIL living in your home...so you desevre to be acknowledhed for that...in a counrty that does not generally provide a haven for their senior population. Also, your frustration must be intense for you to be reaching out in this way....it is very frustrating to tolerate a total lack of privacy then only to find yourself alone in your bedroom trying to get some peace of mind after you both put in a 40 hour work week and attended to your child and errands and traffic and groocery shopping...lets be real hear, you are full of compassion because you are doing all of these things...I am doing the same...I have set my attitude on cheerful 99% of the time...that 1 % of the time still looms over my head and then I think to myself...my MIL created the person I love with my heart....a reality check! Quality of life is attainable at any age...we will be seeking some satisfaction with our own lives when we reach their age...in a perfect world she would take a trip on the Senior Van and wave as she boarded saying don't wait up for me, I won't be back till my bingo dabber runs dry.... but she is not that senior....she is looking for her Quality of life within the framework of the life that you and her son have created...for now...it is not being selfish to ask her what you need....rules are ridgid and meant to be broken...she is not a child nor are you her superior...she is obviously not being as sensitive to your needs as you would like...she's not seeing what you need from her....so end all this and ask her yourself....if she refuses you...and you then get your husband involved so that he could reinforce with her that your needs are important...oh yeah...and breathe and pray for the wisdom and patience and the courage to contiinue to be a role model for others who wouldn't think twice about filling another bed in a nursing home!