Leaving Your Kids Alone

I read this last week and found it very interesting. There are some parts that I very much identify with, because there are times when I've thought of doing dumb things in order to comply with societal norms.

The "never leave a kid in a car" is a good example. I remember when mine were infants thinking - does that really mean I can't leave my sleeping child in the car seat in the car while I get cash from the ATM on a cool fall day? The car is literally a dozen or fewer steps from the ATM and I can see my child the entire time. There is no danger. But I am, in fact, parking my car, getting out, and leaving my child inside the car. Even though it made no sense for me to wake my child in this situation, I actually felt guilty letting him sleep, not because I thought he was in danger, but because someone could, theoretically, call the police.

ETA: For those who assume they know what the article is about without reading it - this is not a debate about what any individual parent should do in terms of allowing freedom for kids. What it actually says is that people make their decisions about risk based on moral judgements, not actual risk assessment. For example:
When asked if a 2 year old who is left in a car alone for 20 min because his mother had a medical emergency, they said most likely the child would be fine. The risk of the child being hurt is small.
When asked if a 2 y.o. who is left in a car alone for 20 min while his mother was in Starbucks having coffee with a friend, they said the child was in great danger. The risk of the child being hurt is large.
In fact, a 2 year old who is left in a car for 20 min is in the same exact amount of danger in either situation. We allow our moral judgement of the parent to affect our risk assessment. That's fine for an individual. You can make your own judgements about what you will and won't do with your own kids. You can even choose to be judgemental about parents around you if that's the kind of person you want to be. But legal institutions should make laws based on actual risk assessment, not our perception of morality.

Great article! Very accurate. I hadn't really thought about it that way before. I've always agreed that the paranoia about leaving children along was very real (don't even leave them in the car while you walk two steps to get your mail out of the mailbox or swipe your credit car at the gas pump).

I will admit that I am more fearful of someone noticing I left my kids int he car than of anything happening to my kids if I left them in the car.

I work at a university and brought my boys to school with me. We were in my office, and I asked my 10 year old to walk back to the car to get something. He had 3 or 4 adults ask him if he was ok or lost. He's 10!!! Is there some reason a 10 year old can't be trusted to walk to the car and back by himself? I think it's partly because of the university setting. Most likely the adults were confused and didn't know why a 10 year old was even there. Still, he's not a baby!

I'm just saying, sometimes we confuse a situation that is not terribly common with a situation that is dangerous.

what a fascinating article. thanks for this.

i 100% agree that the legalities are in response to clear violations of common sense, and, like so much of what we see happening in public schools, is the natural result of the slippery slope theory.

'if it prevents just one child from harm' is not really a sensible attitude. if it prevents just one child from harm but does subtle ongoing damage to all children and society at large, the risk needs to be re-assessed.

and i think your dramatic use of 'paralyzing fear' is spot on. young parents are so overwhelmed these days, not just with the endless parenting challenges and dilemmas we've all had time out of mind, but with the new and crushing pressures of social media spotlight and 'news' outlets that are uniformly about sensation instead of actual news.

yes, awful things can happen to children who spend time out from under the watchful eyes of parents. awful things DO happen. and if they happen to you, you will judge and second guess yourself forever. it's a pretty daunting prospect.

but when you weigh the odds realistically, the very slender chance that Something Awful will happen against the absolutely real prospect that your kids will grow up without the confidence and experience that facing issues on their own give them, i come down on the side of 'empower your kids.'

safety is important.

empowerment and good judgment are even more so,
khairete
S.

This is like bashing parents for vaccinating or not vaccinating their kids. Breast feeding versus bottle feeding. Everyone does things differently and our society is full of people who think they are 100% right.

People have to do what they think is right and stop listening to others who criticize their every move.

I'm one who overestimates the danger to my kids, and I'm working on that, but it's a real fear for me. Doesn't mean we don't let our kids have some freedoms and encourage them to try things on their own. As far as being home alone, we are getting much better at that too. But it's taken some time.

Children need to be able to play outside unsupervised. Children need to be able to walk or cycle to their day to day destinations. Children need to spend some time at home alone before they get to the age when they can start babysitting. Children need to be able to complete a transaction in a library or store independently.

Parents need to provide kids with the skills necessary to do these things safely. Parents need to provide children with tools and resources to do these things safely. Parents need to be aware of their children's abilities. Parents need to be allowed to use their own judgment based on their children's abilities to do these things. Parents need to be allowed to use their own judgment to determine the safety of the situation/surroundings.

Obviously there need to be laws in place to protect children from negligent and abusive parents, but the laws are not working when good parents are being arrested for allowing school age children to play unsupervised in local playgrounds, or allowing tweens to stay at home for a few hours with adequate food and entertainment.

Childhoods are being smothered, children are being infantilized, children's independence and creativity is being stifled, children are growing up obese from a lack of exercise, and a generation of children are growing up without the necessary skills to function in society. Not because of the fear of predatory strangers, but the fear of well-meaning, paranoid, "morally superior" busybodies who will report families for allowing children to play unsupervised in a fenced backyard or ride a bike to a soccer game or many other normal, age appropriate activities.

ETA: NewName2013-I would suggest that according to your own description you are Free Range. That is exactly what Free Range is. Giving kids age appropriate freedom, only after they have been given the tools and have shown they are capable of handling that freedom.

I read the article.

The article is pointing out that laws - and police power to arrest - are often based on moral/ethical judgements about issues, and child safety concepts and police/legal reaction to children being left alone is one example of that.

The article is basically saying that "if you choose to leave your children alone, the most likely negative outcome is that the police will end up getting involved". It's not a problem til you get caught, etc etc.

I think child safety is one area in which it can be good for the legal system to be overly cautious. But, I also know that many parents are able to exercise their own good judgement based on experience.

Bottom line - being a parent is not easy!!

I'm a Gen Xer, so I grew up as part of the Latchkey Generation. Kids were given a ton of independence when I was a kid. No one blinked if elementary school-aged kids came home to an empty house after school or were on their own all summer, or walked long distances alone. Everyone did it. My parents sent me off to another country at 16 for a summer on an exchange program and I stayed in a hotel in NYC near the airport overnight on my own coming home. I can't even imagine letting our kids do that! Ugh, gives me a stomachache just thinking of it, even though my experience as a teen was very positive.

It's been tough finding the right balance for me because parents are under a microscope today. I let my kids stay home alone for stretches starting in around 3rd/4th grade. Independent playdates over at the homes of classmates started in kindergarten. Bike rides with friends, second grade; same with riding bikes to school.

I really think it's a critical life skill to learn independence. I've seen it build confidence, too. However, I remain cautious at times. I'm definitely not free range, either.

My goal is for my kids to go off to high school and college, and know how to take care of themselves. That simply won't happen if I helicopter them into their teen years.

I'm a Gen X'er who wishes my kids had the freedom I had.

I was thinking the other day that I find it absolutely ridiculous that I don't feel comfortable taking the dog around the block while my kids are at home alone and watching TV. We have walkie talkies, so it's not like they can't call me. Why is me being out of the house more dangerous than me taking a nap or doing meditation? I'm usually no where near them when they are doing media stuff. I go out in the yard, up to my room, etc. Right now I walk down to the corner. It's stupid. I think I may just start walking around the block.

There's leaving kids alone to go get your mail - at the end of your driveway (not some PO box that you have to drive to) - which is FINE!
And then there's dropping a child (like a 7 yr old) off at a public library or a mall - for the whole work day- when schools are closed for a holiday or snow day - which is NOT fine and amounts to abandonment as far as I'm concerned - a library/mall is not a daycare.

There are shades of grey here - and EVERYONE S line is a bit different.
I'm not so interested as to actually go read the article - it's a topic that comes up often enough.

I'm thankful that during our child rearing years (we aren't quite finished - one is in college and one is 12), we have lived on a farm rather than in a neighborhood. This has allowed us to make decisions without worrying about the judgement of neighbors (I do realize there are benefits to living in neighborhoods, too). Our boys have grown up much like we did in the 70s and early 80s. They roam free and were often home alone from relatively young ages. They learned to cook early, and they used the stove even when we weren't home - shocking, I know. Now, my son who is at college is able to truly take care of himself and has the confidence to make decisions on his own without having to consult with us first. I work with younger parents, and the judgement they feel when making any decision can be overwhelming. Of course my husband and I made mistakes in parenting through the years, but our boys survived. At least we didn't have "friends" making us feel awful about it.

I train people with developmental disabilities to have home alone time. I work with them for a long time, usually takes a while, and we gradually work up to where they can be home alone for an extended amount of time. These are adults, not children though.

So when it came time for me to start home alone training with the kids I knew I was pretty good at this.

My thoughts. If a kid can legally babysit another living human being when they're 12 years old then by age 10 they should probably be able to watch themselves when I'm outside of the home.

For instance, if I walk to the neighbor's house to chat for a few minutes. I'm not far away. If they get afraid then can call me on the phone. I'm home in seconds.

If I go to Walmart and it's a block away, I'm within 5 minutes of the house. I'm not that far away.

If I wake up one morning and decide that I'm not going to come home after work and be there for the kids at 3:15 and I expect them to somehow figure out how to eat a snack, do homework, and be alone in the house all in one fell swoop then I am not teaching them anything and I'm setting them up for failure.

Taking baby steps is the way to go. Going outside and doing yard work or gardening while the kiddo is in the house is a good way to start. Letting them hear the quiet, feel the aloneness, and get used to not hearing you around, that gets them ready for staying home alone for a few minutes at a time.

I go to the neighbors, to the convenience store, etc...but I always had a back up plan. I'd call the neighbor and say "Hey, I'm working on home alone time with kiddo, I'm going to go to the Texaco station and fill up the car. Will you keep an eye out to make sure there isn't any smoke or screams coming from my house?" then I'd tell kiddo that they were going to be alone, let's review the rules.

No real cooking. Microwave only.

No talking on the phone or messaging on the computer or anything with people. No one was to know they were home alone, no one.

No answering the door. If someone knocked, even the police, they were not to answer the door. They were to go pick up the phone and call me immediately. I'd call the neighbor and they'd go take care of it while I was on my way home. If I was in an accident then that's what the officers would be telling the kiddos and neighbor. So the neighbor would take the kids an come to me or they'd take care of the kiddos until my husband could be reached or a friend or another relative.

This would show that the children weren't fully alone but they were being supervised by someone in the immediate area.

Leaving your kids alone during the daytime hours is one thing. I'd never ever leave them alone at night. Just not going to happen. Not until they're old enough to drive and are just about to be out on their own.