Kids Before Husband

***UPDATE***
I felt as if I needed to update my answer based on the "so what happend comment".
The first ten of us who responded to your post only read the first paragraph about putting the kids first because that was all you posted. There was no mention in that paragraph that your husband was abusive at all, therefore our responses are only based on the original information that you provided. Sorry.
Most women do not think it is okay to have a husband who yells and curses in their face. Again I say, you both need counseling for the sake of your children. They will grow up thinking that a husband and wife are supposed to fight and attack one another and that when they are done they just have to say sorry and kiss and everything will be fine. That's not always the case. Good luck.

Original posed comment:
I don't mean to sound brash but you said it yourself, "I haven't done much for myself besides eat to make me feel good.I'm feeling worhtless angry sad just all around frustrated.I see it as kids are only lil once since i'm a sahm it has become routine to put them 1st." How's putting your kids first working out for you? It sounds pretty miserable to me. I have also been a stay at home mom for 6 years and have had 3 children since and our marriage sounds nothing like yours.
Your husband and marriage should be your first priority! What type of example are you setting for your children? This is not healthy at all! Why do you feel that the kids should come first, is this how you were raised? I understand the desire to meet all of your children's needs, but you can still do that as a team with your husband.
In your husbands defense, how do you think it makes him feel that you won't give him any "attention" because you're too focused on the kids?
I personally think that you need to go to counseling, to me it sounds as if you might be depressed and are using your children as an excuse. Having kids is no reason not to engage in conversation or have sex but depression is.
I'm sorry if I've offended you, but I hope that you can see that I'm just being honest and trying to point out to you that you need to seek help for fixing this situation!

I always put my kids first, too. However, I now know that is the wrong order. Just try not to be so obvious about the kids coming first, and at least TRY to make hubby feels like he comes first, because husbands don't usually feel the way we do about the kids.

However, if your husband literally calls you "worthless," he is a verbally abusive husband. That is a whole other issue.

You need to change that! If you don't have a happy marriage, your kids will not be happy. If you do not love him anymore, then you should think about divorce. Your kids need to see you and your husband acting lovingly to each other, it is setting a good example of how their future relationships should be. Think about it in this way, when your kids are grown and have families of their own, do you want their spouses ignoring them? No, you want them to be with someone who respects them and takes care of them, right? Think about it! Also, you should start doing something for yourself, every now and then, your children are not going to feel rejected, etc. if you or you and your husband do something fun!

My sister in law once told me. Your kids will grow up and (if you do your job) leave, but your husband will always be there, so take time to teach yourself and your kids that your husband is a priority.

My son is very well cared for, but he knows that just like when he comes home from school my attention is his, when hubby come home from work I need to take time out for him to vent to me and wind down.

My son (10) now comes home and ask me how my days was and does the same for his father.

Not to mention you are the modeling behavior for how marriages work. So unless that is you vision your childrens marriages, I would suggest working out a balance. Obviously younger kids require more immediete attention. Older children need to learn how to fend for themselves a bit.

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands
http://www.amazon.com/Proper-Care-Feeding-Husbands/dp/B00...

1. Your relationship needs to have sex. It should be enjoyed not a chore. Stop treating it like a chore.

2. Schedule time for your hubby. Get a friend or sitter to watch the kids and go enjoy each other!

3. Let him know that you need an hour per week for yourself. If you do #1 and #2, you will get this w/o question. Go for a walk, go get a pedicure, go hang out with a friend - DO THIS WITHOUT KIDS.

4. Stop neglecting him and yourself. When he comes home, ask how his day is. Give him some time before dumping the kids on him (I used to do this and sometimes still do - I'm slowly changing this).

5. Let him know that calling you worthless isn't going to change things for the better. He needs to know this.

6. Find out why you are putting the kids first.

I really think your last sentence is saying "I give up and don't want to do anything about it - he should just put up with me". That is what I read when I read your last sentence. Think about it -- men think about sex all the time and everyday. That's life. You don't like it, then you shouldn't have gotten married. You have to engage in conversation... that is silly not to. You don't like to confront him and you don't want to. If you can't confront/talk/converse with him - how in the heck are you suppose to fix this?

Good luck and God bless!! :)

++++++++++++++++
Update

It sounds like you guys really need to get the counseling and need to reconnect. My husband yells too. He says hurtful things too. Do you say hurtful things? Most wives do say stuff back to their husbands, so how can we say that they are the only verbal abusiers? Because they are men? My point is to have you do something else because whatever you are doing is not working out for you. You need to find different options and here at mamasource is a great idea.

Sex hurts? Maybe try a different form of sex... he still needs you. You can't pass that off. You are right, there probably is nothing wrong with your hormones, you are probably not interested in it. Try to change your focus to be on him and see if that works out.

Have you looked into counseling for yourself? Have you tried to compromise with him about going to counseling?
And of course compromising is the key to all marriages. Ask him "if you feel that the counselor is not helpful, we will find a new one right a way". I remember bringing my husband in to our pastor... on the way there he thought we would be bashing him the whole time. My husband really thought that my pastor and I would sit there and tell him how horrible of a husband he is. So, men think that counseling is bad. See if that might be his reasoning.

Have you tried to discuss this while out on a date with each other, away from the home? Sometimes having it in a neutral environment is easier on both of you guys since both of you can't flare up and get angry. Without kids there is even better.

If none of this works (advice from everyone here), then you should really stop punishing everyone and get a divorce. Please try the book out... read the comments on Amazon about the book. Try it out for a week or so and see if you find changes... I have a feeling that you will get different results.

Good luck :)

You are SO not alone!! Moms always have an extra kid, with hubby being the extra kid. You don't say the age of your kids, but I don't think you are wrong. You're kids are only little once, and depending on their ages can't or shouldn't do certain things for themselves. With that said, kids shouldn't be waited on, and since hubby is a kid himself, should get a part of the mom-time pie. As for alone time, I hate it when hubby tries to get romantic when the kids are still awake, and then I'm the one that's being unreasonable!

Since there are hurt feelings all around, I would start slow. Start with you. It will be hard to try and rekindle anything with hubby if you aren't feeling 100%. Take a day, leave hubby with the kids and do something nice for you. Buy a new perfume or get a hair cut, or try a new hair color. Don't know. Just something that makes you feel special. Don't be mad if hubby doesn't notice it. He probably won't.
Something I did was at Christmas time, when hubby asked what I wanted for Christmas, I told him that I was thinking about changing perfumes, but wasn't sure. Maybe he could pick something out. Well he picked out 2. That's helped things, except for that he's mad that I only wear one of the scents and not the other.... the first bottle isn't gone!?

Anyway, start small. Make a dessert that he likes, or buy some snack cakes that he likes for lunches. Pick one thing that he complains about, and make an effort to change that one thing. For me it was the laundry. He doesn't like wrinkled clothes or searching for t-shirts and socks in the dark. I don't iron, so I make an effort to get his work clothes out of the dryer and hung up shortly after the dryer stops. For his socks and t-shirts. I try to at least get that load of clothes put away before he runs out...

Good luck,
M.

Your husband and marriage is the foundation for your family life...it's the REASON you had kids. Therefore, he and your relationship should be FIRST. That means, too, that you need to put youself up there too (I'd say I put my kids before me, too, so it's easier said than done!)

However, it takes work to keep a relationship alive after having kids. After wiping snot, butts, changing diapers, feeding kids, being puked on, having breastmilk, spit up, etc all over your clothes, not having time to shower or bathe or sleep, having a dirty house, dishes and laundry piling up, etc...who would want to really take the extra time to reconnect after living with that each day? It's exhausting!

That being said, if you love your husband and want to make it work, you both HAVE to work. If you've ever said you put the kids first, tell him you didn't mean it. Even if you did. Do you really want him to think that? Would you want to think that about him and you? Tell him that by him saying you are worthless hurts you. Talk things out.

Take time alone - take a bath or shower after the kids are in bed (or while hubby is putting them to bed). You don't have to be intimate, but ask him if you can just snuggle or cuddle on the bed or couch. Sit outside (when it's nice) and look at the stars or just talk. You can reconnect. You need to make each other realize you are each other's best friend and confidante.

Most of the times while our kiddos are awake, we are MOM and DAD. But then my husband will come up to me and kiss me longer than normal or we'll hug for a few minutes and when my daughter sees this, her face lights up and she'll come running in asking if she can hug us too. She even was telling her two month old brother (a few months ago) - "See, Mommy and Daddy are kissing!" I think it's great she's growing up to see this from her parnets so she can see what she would like in a relationship.

Think about your kids...would you want them in the relationship you are in? If not, change it or do something about it.

Good luck!

I feel your pain, I've only been SAHM for 4 months with 2 kids and sometimes it feels like my husband is my 3rd child. After work he babbles on about work or something on the news while I space out and follow my 2 yr old around, he gets offended when he realizes I'm not listening. Its hard to be there for everyone all the time! Sex is also a rare occurence because we never go to bed at the same time because I'm up with the baby. Its very easy to put your husbands needs second, because you figure he's a grown-up and can deal.

However, I've come to realize that at some point you have to make some effort to talk to your husband, and make some time for him (and sex), even if its not very often. It sounds like you're in a bad place and you both resent each other for your own reasons. If you still want to be married by the time your kids are grown, you have to start working on your relationship now. Start small, maybe just a conversation, ask about his work. Try to get him to open up about how he feels, then you can explain how you feel. I would recommend couseling too if you can get him to go, I think most men don't like to though.

I don't think you should think about your family members as being rated as first or second. You wouldn't consider one child to be first and another second would you? Everyone in the family is important for different reasons, and everyone has different needs. The mother's role can be the most difficult unfortunately. Get your husband on your side instead of being against him, and life will be a lot easier. It sounds like you really need some support right now, if you have a close girlfriend maybe try to get together so you can vent.

the best gift you can give your kids is a healthy marriage, so the marriage should come first - that's not to stay you neglect your children though!

.

Dear Mama, Please don't ever read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands"! If you feel worthless now, you will feel even worse when you read the twisted material in that book.

Having more sex is not going to make your marriage better. If your husband treats you like dirt, then sex is just a band-aid to cover a gaping wound.

You may need a separation while you are working things out. Your husband needs anger management classes. Yelling and cussing at you is a nasty habit and as long as you take it, he is going to dish it out.

I do have a very happy marriage, and that is why I grieve for the women who are abused or treated badly. So many marriage self help books lead women further into bondage by saying that the woman is the CAUSE of the man's actions. That is a terrible lie.

This is how I live my life. My husband comes first for different reasons. We need to be partners and lovers to have a successful happy marriage. We parent together, we have to be on the same page in order to parent successfully. We communicate with each other, we listen to what may be bothering each other and talk it out. We talk about happy things, most importantly we laugh all the time. My children are happy because they see their parents happy. We made a rule from the very start of our relationship, we NEVER argue in front of our children. We go to our bedroom and work it out. We made the house rules together. Maybe counseling will help you both. We also have a date night, we love it and it works for us, we need alone time so do you. Good luck!

There was FIRST a husband, followed my children! You have to put your marriage first or everything else will fail!

You got a lot of good answers. What you might need to do to help you get through the SAHM thing is to make a calendar up of all duties that need to be done daily (in am and pm). This way you will cut down on wasted time. I know I have done this and it takes about a month for it all to fall into place including time for you. Include in your plan a date night and do not break it other than pain or blood. Kids can go with sitter or nursery or something so you two have private adult talk. Yes kids are little once but they will not be there when you are 65 so work on the marriage hubby thing. If you don't you will not know who you married and why. Learn the art of communication and remember that marriage is like any other relationship it takes work and continued work on a daily basis. We are a woman, wife, mother, and friend in that order. Also you must demand to be respected, if not you see what you got. You must hold yourself in high esteem and you must hold him in high esteem. Start small and work big it can happen but ot over night as your current situation didn't happen over night and Roman wasn't built in a day or in seven days. Good luck to you; I will keep you in my thoughts. The other S. PS What you put in is what you get out.

ouch...it seems like loving is gone in this situation..could the kids be your "excuse" to leave your hubby out and keep him at a distance? It seems like it. If you have always had "I want to get married to have kids" in your head, then that's what you got, kids. But if you always wanted a family you should definitely consider your husband...he's part of the family too!
Try to think about it, see what you REALLY want in your marriage: if it's just kids, I understand the way you feel about your hubby - like he served his purpose and so he's worthless now, but then you should have chosen insemination instead of a husband! Try to see him like the person, the ONLY person, that can make your children feeling "at home", try to look at him through their little, loving eyes and see what it does. It's ok to put children first because they need you, but they also need their dad and your life would be a lot better if you could share with him the joy and the hurdles of parenting : in my opinion, that will make you feel close, a team, and will help you gain that intimacy that must start in your head first and in your body, then.You shut him out and there's nothing he could do at this point to make you feel good. Perhaps you even feel like he's in the way. Try to rethink your concept of "marriage", I know you also feel like you are missing out on a lot more things that a marriage can be. Try to get those things, with him. Baby steps will take you there but you have to "realize" what a marriage is. Intimacy, honesty and commitment...aren't these the goal? I would start with signing up to a dance class (salsa and swing do miracles) and shake your routine out a bit (in a way that doesn't conflict with the kids' needs obviously), find the woman who is in you (buried under the mommy) and see how her life can be fuller with a buddy (hubby) and a hord of happy children! Good luck and take action!

I think as moms, we do give away pieces of ourselves, but for a good cause - raising our children (though we do need some time alone from EVERYONE). But my children rank above all others and I hope my husband would say the same. A husband that doesn't understand that is, well, a child himself and it is not my responsibility to raise him as well. Take care of him, love him - absolutely. Fluff his ego and tell him I love him more than the kids? Like hell.
For me, it is: #1. my kids, #2. my husband, #3-59 other people / house / work / etc, then #60, me. The problem happens when a husband puts himself in the #1 slot, then all his needs, then his kids, and way down under Sports Center, his wife.

My mom once said to me, "Do you know I would stand in front of a speeding train for you?"
I completely understand that now.

I would tell him that they are only young for a short period of time and in that time you have to raise a responsible human (it is a tall order). You should tell him that he should be proud of you for being such a devoted mom and that yes, sometimes your ability to care for him falls by the wayside, but for excellent cause. I would also tell him, that since you place yourself at the bottom of every list, it would be nice if he could place you ABOVE himself in his own list and show YOU some compassion.

I would guess 90% of men are selfish (we know this - that is why we talk about them and vent rather than killing them). The reason they are, is because their own mother's never told THEIR father's to stop being so selfish (my mother-in-law actually admitted this).

And yes - I have had the entire, verbatim conversation from above with my husband and our marriage has improved 100%. Don't feed into selfish behavior - it only makes it worse. My parents have been married for almost 40 years and my grandparents for 60 - we all are strong willed females and we all follow this tactic and none of us have ever been divorced.

I also think my perspective is different as there is no guarantee your kids will grow up - I have seen too many people bury their children in little caskets that can be carried by one person.

I have been married for 10 years :)

I'm sorry things aren't going well for you right now. I have been there and still go there sometimes. You both are right to some extent, IMO. First thing to consider, if it is possible, is family/marital counseling. But here are my two cents, for what it's worth.
There is no question that there is something about maternal feelings so that it is easy to put the kids first. But there has to be some balance. If you love your kids, you have to take care of their mom, and their dad. I am sure they would also like to see their mom and dad being happy. I don't believe that the husband or the mom's needs should be MORE important than the kids either. All of these needs are different and important.
You are not worthless, and your husband is not either. I am sure that his feelings are not that much different than yours (worthless, angry, sad, and frustrated, not respected).
I know you feel stretched to the limit. But think about what REALLY makes you feel good - other than food. I am so guilty of this problem myself. Ask your husband what makes him feel good (yes, sex will probably be on his list, and you probably need to make that a part of your life and enjoy it yourself).
See if you can work as a team to make your family first, not a competition bewteen the individuals in the family. One thing about men is that they really do like to be the hero. How can he be your hero? Can you show him that you admire him? For instance, he must make enough money so that you can be at home. Appreciate his work. Ask him to appreciate you. It goes a long way to easing tensions. Write notes or emails if that works better than conversations.
It's so hard sometimes. For my husband and I it has helped a lot to think of working together to solve our problems as a team. Team members do not do the same jobs but they are all important. Sometimes team members have to ask for help from the others (including the kids - they need to contribute to others' well being also and the home environment). This will not be solved overnight and sometimes you will go back to this place and you need a strategy for dealing with those times.
I will be thinking of you and sending blessings your way.

"don't engage in conversation either"
Are you saying you don't have any conversations?
Why not? Doesn't that leave you wrapped up in a very narrow world of your own?

You can't "do it all" AT ONCE, but you can do it all in pieces.
For example, I stay up a little later at night than I should, because I want to have some "grown up time" with my husband, after the kids are in bed. A lot of the time we just watch movies, or read----but the idea is just to have no interruptions and just be together. I am tired sometimes, but if I didn't have that time with him, I would be unhappy. Many of our conversations are about the kids, and we ask each other what we think about how to solve problems in their behavior or academics.

You got married because you loved your man--I hope so, anyway---so try to remember what you had in common then, and the person you were back then.
If you liked the person you were, then try to reconnect with yourself and bring a little of that woman back into your personality.
Hard to tell from just one comment, but I think your husband (cruelly worded as it was) is communicating to you that you do not function as a wife--you are not there for him, you do nothing FOR him (aside from bearing his children) and are otherwise just not contributing to his life in a positive way.
To me, that is what marriage is---contributing positively to each other's lives, trying to be the best we can be for the sake of our spouse, and trying to help them be the best they can be also.

Next time you go to the grocery store, try picking up an issue of O magazine and reading it. I have noticed that it is very positive and sometimes inspiring, as far as giving but also taking care of the self.

This is the dilemma of a lot of moms. Hopefully, you will get through this soon. It seems to peak when the children are just starting to be a little independent... when if dinner is 20 minutes later than expected, their world doesn't fall apart, when they can get dressed themselves, when they can play without DIRECT supervision for 15 minutes, when they can get themselves a cup of water if they are thirsty.

At this point, Dad's "understanding" that the kids are incapable of caring for themselves seems to evaporate... and he starts expecting his WIFE back, at least part-time. Understandable, isn't it? They aren't incapable of taking care of their EVERY need anymore... now they CAN.. at least some of the time.
We moms always are worrying over our kids (do they have a jacket? It's cold out. Do they have clothes for tomorrow? Did they eat properly? etc) Dads are programmed a little differently... they can step back and recognize that if Billy is cold... he'll get a jacket on. If he doesn't have clean clothes for tomorrow, then he'll empty his laundry basket, etc.. Do you expend the same energy worrying about your husband's well-being?

Realize that in your efforts to put your kids first, you are shortchanging them out of the most important thing you can give them... parents who love each other and are in a happy and committed relationship. You are short-circuiting their dad's ability to be the best dad he can be... because he is starting to resent all the attention that you give the children... He wants some for himself.. .and he should have it!
It is so so so hard to recognize this... but when you start making your kids acknowledge your husband's role in the family (he deserves THEIR respect too.. not just in word, but in deed: do they interrupt when he is talking with you? Do you tend to their need before you finish listening to your husband?) then your entire family will benefit.
You didn't say how old your children are... but if any of them are over the age of 4, then they are old enough to wait for your attention (barring a dire blood-spurting emergency!). When Dad comes home, get up from whatever you are doing and acknowledge it! Have your kids greet him when he comes home!
My husband once told me (when I was in the throes of just this same dilemma) that it was a sad reflection that our DOG was more excited to see him come home than anyone else.... THAT was a WAKE UP CALL. Your husband is trying to tell you the same thing.

Wow, I read through some of the responses. Kind of all over the board, huh?
Okay, first. You need to put yourself up higher on your list. I know it's hard, but it's got to happen. I am a mom of two boys, 4 and 7. I have stayed home with them since birth (although I also nanny a little girl full time) and it's exhausting! In June of last year I kind of lost it. I had had enough! I didn't buy myself anything, I didn't take time for me (or my husband) I had lost who I was! I was just mom and wife, not L., and I was NOT happy. I had to start taking care of myself. I had let myself go, gained a lot of weight, ate whenever I was upset (which was a lot) and just felt depressed. Find something for you to do, volunteer (I do, 4 hours a week), go to the gym (you can even if you are prego! I go every day, 2 hours a day), get to the library and pick out some books, get the kids to bed at a reasonable time (mine go at 8pm) and then have some you time.
Second, I absolutely understand why you are not interested in sex. You are tired, stressed, and pissed! Who wants to sleep with someone that makes them feel worthless. For women, sex starts in the brain. if he is putting you down and calling you names he doesn't deserve to sleep with you! I wont say to hold it as "ransom" but I would definetly sit down and talk with him and tell him, "You come home, call me worthless and then expect me to hop into bed with you. I cant' do that. I need to feel special and loved. Believe me, I want our sex life to be healthy, but I can't if I feel like you don't respect me."
My husband and I were in the same rut, although he NEVER called me names. But I was the one with the issues. Just didn't feel sexy or attractive, was always tired, and I think he just gave up and stopped being a good husband too. (clothes everywhere, dirty dishes, smelly!) When I finally started to take care of MYSELF, everything else fell into place. My sex life is great (okay, some women may roll their eyes, but 3 times a week for us is MUCH better than the once a month it was a year ago!), I have confidence in myself and my body, and my husband is so proud of me as a mother and woman.
yes, men need to have their wife, but they DON'T need to have a mother. If he can't man up, quit calling names, quit scaring the kids, quit making your and your children't lives miserable, then he needs to move on and so do you.
Good luck with whatever decision you come to. Take care of YOURSELF!
L.

These are the priorities in my life in order of importance:

1. Myself
2. My marriage and husband
3. my child
4. my community/church
5. everyone/everything else!

This is just me and my personal preference. I do have to say though---my husband is wonderful and deserves to be at the top of the list-it is a two way street! If my husband ever told me something as cruel as that "I am worthless"--I think I would have some major problems with that and I would do a lot more than just move him to the bottom of the list! If you are truly putting your best effort into this marriage and are getting nothing back than I think its time for some counseling--both for you and as a couple. Best of luck!

I agree with the other ladies. I think you need to try to change your mindset from putting the kids first to putting the FAMILY first. There's a big difference! To be a strong and stable family you and your husband need to be working together and demonstrating respect and love. If you can't do that then most everything else that you are doing for your kids is pointless.

Good luck,
K.

While it is great to take good care of your kids, your kids need parents who love each other too. If you have someone who you trust to help once in a while with the kids, go on a date with your hubby. Taking care of yourself is an investment for your kids, as they will need you to be healthy and there for them in all stages of life. I am a SAHM too, and I take 45 minutes daily for me to exercise (at home, so I am available if needed). I feel better about myself and am better for the kids and my hubby. Remember, you have to take care of your marraige, because the kids grow up and you don't want to have lost touch with each other.

I think that as a mom it is very important to put your needs and your marriage needs to be #1. That's not to say that I don't take care of my kids I always make sure all the important needs are met and they are healthy and happy.

You know there is the saying that if "Momma ain't happy nobody's happy". You need to do what you can to feel better about yourself and about your marriage. It is very important for your children to see you happy and having a good marriage.

If you are looking for ways to help your marriage I highly recommend the course Save My Marriage Today. If you want to check it out the link is http://www.fixamarriage.net/promote/savemymarriage The course is $50, but is so worth it.

The best thing you can do for your kids is show them a loving marriage.

Putting the kids first is not always nessasary along with always putting yourself and husband last. You have to find balance or your continued frustration will lead straight to a divorce because no man will put up with that for too long. You have major changes to make in your attitude about what is important, your families needs VS. your familes goals for the future. Your in a position to decide your own faint here; do you want to continue to be a SAHM or a single parent of three. Write down all the pros and cons. Your children are not getting 100% out of you or their father if you are not being good parents and teaching them what it is like to have a good marriage and the importance of a good relationship. Children learn by example, is this what you want for your kids? Eating is never the answer either, all your going to do is gain weight and be even more miserable. Your not respecting yourself by treating your body badly or your husband by meeting or not meeting each others needs. Again is this what you want for your kids, to be as miserable as you are?

I think it's every good Mom's instinct to put their babies first (at every age). I guess you could extend that statement to some Dad's too. However, it is important to take care of all of the relationships in your life so you can be the best Mom you can be. Those relationships include the one with your husband, yourself, and your God (whomever that is). Balance is key here. Not only will you feel better, but you will set a good example for your kids. Having said that - it's extremely difficult to do. Some set up date nights, time with friends, exercise on the calendar so you have it to look forward to. If it's not planned it doesn't usually happen. Good luck and try to make some time to remember why you liked your husband in the first place. And don't neglect you - it will all make you a happier person and better Mom.

ok i don't know if this help but...

you are sahm you have time with your kids but also your a women and a wife i just understand this ,you can put your kids first but also need to make time for YOU and for your husband

you can leave the kids once in a while with your husband you go to the beauty salon for an hour or go for a cup of coffe with friends and sometimes have a nice dinner with your husband or watch a movie with your kids sleeping or have a romantic night .

I have to agree 100% with Gina... Your husband should come first. You need to set an example for your kids. You do not want your kids growing up and think it is OK to have a spouce that is disrespectful and not loving to one another. You want your kids to grow up and have the best relationship with their spouse. What you are doing now is only hurting your childrens future relationships.

Just wanted to note that in the book "The proper care and feeding of husbands" she writes that the advice is NOT APPLICABLE in ABUSIVE SITUATIONS. Its meant to say that if you are not doing your part in the relationship, unhappiness will ensue and that you risk losing your relationship by not caring enough to make your spouse happy. I liked the book and think it offers a proactive solution to common marital problems.