Just Went Back to Work

I'm afraid that I don't have any advice about how to ease your guilt or sadness at being separated from your daughter.

What I can say is that you are providing her with a wonderful role model. You are a mother, a college graduate, and a career woman. Embrace the fact that you are providing her with a foundation to become anything and everything she wants to be!

Hi there! What you are feeling is normal. I have 5 kids and up until my youngest I have been a working Mom. With each of my kids I would dred leaving to go to work. I was often late just to say goodbye one more time! It gets easier, trust me. You will always worry more, hold on longer, and jump to often. It is our nature as Mothers. We are doomed to "Maternal Instinct" running wild through our veins! My suggestion to you is to remember that all the time you spend outside work is quality time for everything else. I say everything else because I don't want you to forget your Hubbie who is stuck at home all day doing the hard job you were doing before you went back to work. One thing in my marrage that I think makes things work is that we are always acknowledgeing each others efforts and telling eachother how much we appreiciate everything the other is doing for the family. Furthermore, you always need to find that 5 minutes or so for yourself. As a working Mom you will tend to put your needs last until a year or so down the road you are ready to explode if you don't get just 5 minutes... I'm sure you get it. I promise you that you daughter will be a very happy girl just to know you are home. The best you can do for her is to be happy with your life and giving her a secure, loving enviroment to grow up in!
Smiles! Y.

Sorry to say it but I think guilt comes with the job of being a mother. I've been a working mom and a stay-at-home mom and whether I work or not I'm always feeling guilty that I might be doing something wrong as a parent. Did I spend too much time cleaning the house today and neglect my child while they played in their room alone? Did I work too many hours today? Being at home does not make you a better mother. To tell you the truth I'm a stay-at-home mom now and the majority (not all) of moms I know just throw their kids in front of the t.v. or simply cart them around while they run errands/shop/have coffee, etc. I don't want to be like that so I try hard to fill my days with a balance of enriching activities and housework. I do believe being at home is more fun-I get to decide what I do everyday.
My advice would be to give yourself some time to adjust. You are luckier than most people who don't have the child's Dad around to be with them. You are blessed. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty. Maybe it's not guilt for you it's just that you want to be the one to be with her and not dad. Maybe it's selfishness? I don't mean that as a put down I'm just being honest because now that I've quit working I've realized that I really didn't do it for my kids (they were thriving in an awesome childcare setting where I also worked) I did it for myself. I knew I would be happier and if mom is happy the family is happy-do you know what I mean?

Good luck.

You are awesome and normal I am trying to get my degree I have had to be a stay at home mom and I have had to leave my six week old newborn at daycare. Niether is perfect or easy. Do the best at being a Mom what ever life hands you. Your daughter will respect that you are a role model for her just don't let one over take the other work is work and being a mom is for home.

Hey, I just wanted to say that I felt a mixture of emotions when I started back to work. One was relief at being around grownups, wearing nicer clothes and smelling good( I started back 8 wks afterward, so still breastfeeding, getting spit up on) Another feeling which was equally as strong was embarrassment. I felt silly that I needed to work in order to stay sane. My son is a wonderful, easy child, and yet I didn't feel complete and content to be a stay at home mom.
One other feeling I recall is being weirded out about $$$. Since my husband makes the majority of the money now, where before our boy was born, it was nearly equal, I felt like I now had an allowance, and didn't deserve to spend any $$$.
I don't know exactly what your situation is, whether you are doing full or part time, but I hope that you are able to see this as a chance for your husband and baby to get to know each other better. Their relationship couldn't exist without you!!! After all, it takes a mommy and a daddy to make a baby. It's just time for them to bond, now.
You'll make it, just allow yourself to be human and to experience this change as what it is...change. It's okay to feel a little sad, and it's okay to wish your circumstances were different.
I hope this helps you feel a little better about your thoughts.
A.
P.S. I see a response of anger on this page. Moms are supposed to support each other, not make others feel guilty for not doing as they themselves have CHOSEN to do. If you need to work outside the home, that's it, you do what you need to do. I hope you don't let one response out of 12 (let the percentages speak for themselves) make you feel even worse than you already do.
Take care.

Hello, I know exactly how you feel. I had to leave my son with a babysitter for the first time when he was 18 months so I could go back to work. I cried the first day, and the next few days I felt really guilty, and I still have days, almost 2 years later when I would rather be home with my son than go to work. Like you I cant afford to stay home from work, however it does get easier. Thankfully you get to leave him with your husband, finding daycares that are trust worth is always difficult, and I always found going by my sons reaction was the best way to go. If he was comfortable with the person then great, but if he bacame clingy then forget it.
It does get easier I promise, and this seperation is actually good for her. I would never leave my son with anyone for any length of time because I was afraid something would happen and I coulnd't be there to take care of it. Learning that there are other people in your childs life to help is a hard lesson to learn, but i did learn it.
When your spending time at night after work, it doesnt have to be any big deal, watch a movie together, or play out side if its nice. I take my son outside when its nice and play t ball with him and he loves it. When its icky we bake. He loves to help me clean the kitchen, especially after we have baked cookies or made brownies. Even just something as simple as reading a bood to her is great. Find someplace quiet let her pick a book out and read her a book. Ask her questions about it and talk to her about the things that are happening in the pages. My son loves (or atleast he does when hes not going 90 miles an hour in the other direction) to do this at night.

I can empathize with you wanting to be home with your baby. I feel so sad everytime I leave my grandkids. I see them several times a week but it just isn't enough. At the same time I realize that they are not my children and they need to be with their mother. And in reality I wouldn't want to have them full time. Still I sometimes miss them so much just after they leave or I leave that I could cry.

I think that attachment is a part of who we are and how we relate to our babies for a purpose. In the far distant past, this attachment was necessary for the babies to survive. We don't need it any longer in most cases to ensure that the baby gets it's physical needs met but it does play a role in getting it's emotional needs met.

At the same time we do have to let go so that they can learn ways to live without us. I would list the positive aspects of you leaving them work.

1. she is getting to spend time and build a close relationship with her father. Many children don't have that opportunity. The "experts" say that the success of a girl's relationship with men is influenced greatly by the quality of their relationship with their father.

2. each of you are learning to live a balanced life during which neither is totally dependent on the other.

3. it appears that your daughter has adapted which is a positive comment on your mothering thus far.

4.Now you have the opportunity to also learn how to adapt to this change. I'm not sure why you feel guilty. Returning to work and leaving your daughter in the care of her father is just the first separation that you'll have.

I do understand feeling sad, even grieving because this is a major change. And being concerned that she is being appropriately cared for is a good concern but you know that she is with her father. Do you have confidence that even if he doesn't parent in the same way that you do that he is able to take good care of her? I would understand the guilt more if she were in a day care setting where you would have little knowledge of or control of how she is being cared for.

I would suggest that it will help if you can find out the source of your guilt. And accept the grief that is natural when you make this major change.

I recognize the pain. I think most mothers have mixed feelings about returning to work. And to state the plain truth. We are attached to our little ones, being with them is pleasurable and satisfying. AT the same time we need to have other experiences just as they do. From your description you returning to work meets the needs of both your baby and you. It sounds like a healthy situation to which you will eventually adjust if you can get rid of the guilt and think positively about it.

I'm sending you encouragement during this difficult transition. And I whole heartedly know how much you miss her. I adopted my daughter as an older child. Perhaps that's why I miss my grandchildren who I've known since birth so much. In my situation I see my longing to be with them as a part of my own need and not theirs. And it is difficult to find a balance in taking care of everyone including ourselves.

M.

J.,
Don't let anyone make you feel bad about going back to work. You are NOT a bad mother. It does get easier. I have been lucky recently in being able to work from home - but that's not always easy either. I feel guilty for having to work a full-time job and not being able to give my kids my undivided attention all day. I try to make up for it in the evening and over the weekends.

Obviously you made the decision that was best financially for your family. Try making a list of the pros and cons of you working - if after a couple weeks you can't add to the list or nothing has changed, you know you have a good list. If there is nothing you feel you can do to change the "cons", rip off that part of the list and post the "pros" on your fridge. Look at the list everyday. Revisit the list as often as you want to see if anything has changed.

As often as you want, drop in unexpectedly to where your daughter is staying. It's best to observe her when she doesn't know you are there. I did that a lot when my now 4 yr old first started daycare. He would cry when I would drop him off and I would go to work feeling like the worst mom that ever lived. When I did the drop ins, I saw him laughing, playing and interacting with his caregiver and the other kids. That made such a difference for me.

Just keep doing your best, keep a smile on your face and it will get easier over time. Best of luck!

J., the topic you bring up can be a very sensitive one for many mothers. It can be almost as bad as discussing politics with someone who doesn't share the same views on the world and government! :) Please, just take to heart those of us who actually are trying to support you verses those who may try to reprimand you for your choices. That being said, here's my two cents:

I UNDERSTAND WHOLE-HEARTEDLY! When my first son was only 4 months old, I had to go back to work because of serious financial loss we experienced when my husband lost his business. Let me tell you...it was the most difficult thing I had EVER done in my life. And, eventhough my son got to stay at home with his greatest fan (his dad), I didn't trust my husband or anyone else for that matter to care for my child the way I could. My poor hubby had to give me a complete run-down every single day as soon as I got home from work on the days' activities, down to how many diaper changes he had to do! However, with time, it got easier to leave him at home while I went to work because I knew that he was in loving hands and that I would be coming home to him. (BTW, he started out in a daycare for 1 1/2 days before I took him out because of neglect on the daycare providers part...talk about guilt!).

Basically what I'm saying is to take it one day at a time. She will be okay and I'm sure the time you have together will be wonderful! You are teaching your daughter about compromise, committment, sharing of responsibility, importance of schooling, independance and so many other things. I'm sure she knows you love her and what a great experience for her to bond with her daddy at this time.

J., there is nothing wrong with working outside the home if that is what you have to do. However, if your gut is telling you that isn't the right avenue for you, then maybe you should start searching for another way like one of the mamasource moms suggested. Possibly an evening job or weekends or something at home would do?

Just hang tough, love your husband and your child and relish every moment you get to have with them. I'll keep you in my thoughts and if you ever want to chat and comiserate, please drop me a line! Good luck!

J.:
While some women feel the need to stay at home with their children, other women enter the workforce whether it be by choice or neccesity. Both sides of the fence have pros & cons but ultimately you should listen to what your heart is telling you to do. I myself am choosing to be a stay at home mom until my little girl starts school ( she 35 months). I have had a blast doing so and I will tell you that it has been the most rewarding experience of my life.
Good luck to you!!

This is completely normal! I remember leaving my daughter who was 6 weeks to go back to work. Luckily, you only have to work 2 days a week. That is what I work now too. Do not feel guilty. It is a big adjustment. After not working a whole lot, then returning to work, I found myself enjoying adult company, instead of the wiggles, etc. LOL! You are a good mommy, I'm sure. Don't be so h*** o* yourself. It will get easier. :) Good luck!
K.

i understand how your are feeling. i put my daughter in daycare at 4 months old and went through the same thing. something that i found that helped me to eventually relax about being seperated from her was to do lunch break visits. i was able to go visit her on my lunch break just about everyday. the anticipation during the morning of knowing that i was going to be able to see her over lunch and the same right before getting off work for the day is what helped me to relax. i understand the feeling of the seperation because i was a single mom with no outside support. i knew i had to do it and i knew it was going to be hard. but now i am glad that i did. its normal, and trust me, it will faid with time.

Hi, J.. It does get better. I worked with my first son, who is now 11 yrs old. I was a single mom with a 2 yr old then and had to work. I did what I had to, to provide for me and my son with what we needed.
When I had my second son, who is now 3. I decided not to work. I wanted to be home with him. I do part-time work as a Beauty Consultant and love it. I get to be home with him plus make some extra monies.
Do you have to work? If not, find something that you love to do for a couple of hours a day or a couple days a week.

Hi J.-

Take along pictures of your daughter. Put one on the dashboard of the car, on your desk, screensaver on your cell phone etc.... This way when you miss her during the day all you have to do is glance around for her beautiful smile.
My daughter also stays home with her dad when I leave for work and I have to be honest, some of my feelings are jealousy because he spends the daytime hours with her while she is up & playing and being silly and I get home in enough time for dinner, bath, reading a story & off to bed. We don't get alot of "playtime" together until the weekends.
Hang in there, before we all know it, they'll be off to college and we'll be begging them to come home for the holidays.

K.

J.-
I am the same way about my 7-month-old son but work with an awesome Team of moms-the Mothers On a Mission Team-we are a group of moms who decided to work from home with a great company! It's totally realistic to be able to stay home and rid yourself of the guilt! I was going to get my Master's and head back into the corporate world before I joined the MOM Team and so if you are interested in working your way out of the corporate world-just email me or go to my website: www.lookatmemommy.com Congratulations on your recent college degree! And rest assured, that you are doing the right thing by providing for your family.

Hi my name is N. and I am a Sales Director with Mary Kay. I sympathize with your story. That is why I am in Mary Kay to bring women home from the workplace at least part time. I would love to share with you how you could make some extra money with a Mary Kay business. You can work Mary Kay around your family. New consultants start out by making an average of $50-$75 an hour, and you are having fun. We have no territories. So if you need to move you can take your business with you. Also my unit is in 12 states, so we can train you at one of our local sales meetings. Let me know if you would like some more information on how to make some extra cash, for those little extras.

Thanks,
N.
www.marykay.com/nbrown5
You can go to my website, and click on about the company to learn more.