Just Found Out Child's Absent Father Is Dying

boy, what a difficult situation! i too would probably be thinking that it would be a good thing to take advantage of a last chance for them to meet.
but without the emotion that end-of-life issues bring, i don't really think it's a great idea. as you wisely point out, it would be confusing for such a small child to meet someone who is clearly Important but with whom there's no history. he'll be too young to grasp the nuances, but distressed by the overall sad energy.
if the birth father had been making efforts to do something about this before he dies, that might change it up some. but under the circumstances i think i'd let this go.
khairete
S.

Reach out to give dad a chance to decide what he wants to do.

Do what you need to do so that no one will have regrets.

There is a good chance this is why he never responded. Who knows how long he's been sick? If it were me, I would ask a counselor on how to proceed. I would want to handle this in the best way for my child. If you don't want to do that, I would ask my closest, wisest friends, I call them my Board of Directors. Pick their brains and go from there.
You have nothing to feel guilty about so please don't go there. Single moms are everyday heros!!!
Blessings...

I would try one more time to get in touch. It would be really great if you could get a picture of father and son together for your son to have.

My daughter was 3 when her infant brother died. Although she does not remember him dying or his funeral, it really bothers her that I didn't wake her up when we got to the cemetery to bury her brother. (She fell asleep in the car).

Kids are so resilient. I do not think your son will be traumatized by the actual death of a father he doesn't know. However, I think as he gets older, it will mean a lot to him if he had the opportunity to see his father during his last days/months. I also think he should go to his father's funeral. Although he probably won't remember being there, he will know that he was.

At 2 1/2 your son is not going to remember a visit. His father is an adult surrounded by adults. If he wants to see his son it's his responsibility to ask. I would not ask him.If YOU want to see him, see him. But first, i'd talk with him on the phone to know if he's in any condition for his son to visit. If you don't have pictures of his father, it's important to get at least one.

Remember, he left and did not respond to your message. You have no obligation to him. Is he even paying child support? If not, he doesn't want to be involved. It's likely, as painful as it is, that he has moved on and no longer is interested.

I think you have to do what you can live with. You tried to facilitate visitation and he wasn't interested. It's hard for anyone to understand how someone can walk away from their child. As someone else suggested, maybe the brain cancer was already beginning to have some influence.

Is there any possibility of contacting one of his family members? You could let them know you are aware of his condition and wondered if he wanted to see his child. He may be feeling intense guilt about how he handled everything and feels he screwed up too badly to try to correct it. He could not feel anything at all toward your son. If the latter is true, it's his loss.

Are his family members people you would want around your son? I ask because sometimes when there's a death like this, the family will gravitate toward anything connected to the person who died. Your son may look like his dad or have some of his personality traits. If they are not healthy people for your son to be around, or if you think they would bring more turmoil, you would need to weigh that carefully.

Do you have any pictures of the dad holding him when he was a baby? You could always show him that picture. I agree with others that he may look bad and feel worse. If you have any pictures of them at all, I don't think it's necessary to update.

Right now your son is little and a simple explanation is fine. You have a daddy, his name is x. I have a daddy, his name is x. If he asks where he is (which I doubt because his normal has always been just you), you can address it very simply. As he gets older his questions will be more complicated and you will work through it with him. You love him and are a great mother.

I read a great quote from Corrie Ten Boom recently that I thought was profound. "Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger, you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you."
Her dad's answer to a question he felt she wasn't ready to know the answer.

Blessings!
L.

Just a thought: since your son is about 30 months old, and you've been on your own since he was 10 months old, that's 20 months. I'm assuming that that last day of custody court was something less than 20 months ago.

In terms of illness, that's not a very long time. What I'm suggesting is the possibility that your child's father, who now is at stage 4 of his illness, was beginning to be ill at the time that he left, and during the time that he did not respond to your emails?

I certainly am no cancer expert, and I've heard that some people can develop cancer quickly, and it proceeds at an excruciatingly quick pace, but many people begin to show less-dramatic symptoms early on, and their cancer develops more slowly. So is it possible that your child's father, over the last year and a half, perhaps was experiencing some symptoms of brain cancer, such as having difficulty reading, using a keyboard, speaking, or trouble with balance, for example?

Maybe that's why he resisted visits and communication? Could he have been incapable of visits, or perhaps embarrassed about his physical condition, or denying it?

I sympathize with your imminent loss, even if things were difficult between you and him. I'm sorry you have to make this decision on behalf of your son.

But if it were me, I'd reach out. I'd make the effort to see him, or his parents or sister or best friend or whomever. I'd try to get a photo of him and his son. When your son is older, you can truthfully tell him that his daddy was very sick and died (or went to heaven, or is with the angels, or has passed away or however your counselor or pastor or priest or friend helps you explain it). Someday, when your son is much older, you can choose to tell him more about your relationship with his dad, when he gets to the age when he's dating and thinking about starting his own family, or you can choose not to. That's up to you.

But for now, there is a very ill person who helped to create this little boy whom you love, and he may not be able to make good decisions (and maybe has not for some time) and perhaps one visit or one photo for your son will help your son in the future. If your child's father is too ill for a visit from a child, maybe you can visit and ask for a photo or a letter from either him or his family.

I think you should call him (rather than email, if you can) and try to visit him. There is no downside to bringing your son to meet him and for him to see. Your son will not be tramatized by meeting his dad, even if he dies later that day. At 2 1/2, your son does not have an emmotional attachemnt to him and couldn't possible without spending time with him and really getting to know him. It's not enough t say, "This is your daddy." An older child might be emotionally affected by meeting his/her father for the first time because there will have been an expectation. Your son doesn't really have that. He might have asked about his daddy, but that really isn't the same thing.

I hope you do bring him to meet his dad. There is a very good chance that it will mean a lot to his dad to get to see his son before he dies. And I really believe that your son will always be grateful for that oportunity, especially if you take a picture. If you can, find a few picutres of his father from the time when you knew him, as well as a few pictures of him with his father. These will become prized possessions years from now.

I would even ask his father to write him a letter as a keepsake ... something to give your son when he's older and needs to know that his father loved him.

Please do try to make this happen. It will probably mean more than you know to his father. And your son will be so grateful that you made this effort. This will never replace not having his father in his life, but he will always have a few pictures and possibly a letter. He needs whatever he can have.

Ok. This is tough and unusual.

You've tried.
Good dads die and bad dads die. We ALL die.
I think he would have initiated something himself if he haf an o er whelming urge to connect with his child.
He didn't.

I DO think that, as a mother, you have the responsibility to protect your sons 2 year old tender heart.
At 2? He truly won't remember ANY of what happens now in a few years.
So--really--what's the point?
I think you feel like you should 'do something' to benefit the father.
But really, you're focusing on the wrong person.
Focus on your child.

(The MOST I would do would be to send a nice RECENT picture of your child to a close relative of his IN CASE he expresses an interest in seeing him.)

Morning
When growing up, I rarely saw my father and to this day, still don't know much about him. However, when I was about 21-22, I got a call from my mother who said my father was dying and wanted to see me.. I said ok and wanted to go. At that time, I was still was very much under the influence of my mother's manipulation and she felt that IF I saw him, it was a betrayal to her. Mind you, this is a woman who didn't raise any of her children into adulthood. Now, my situation is different in the sense that you are raising your kid. Where it may not be different is this.. I WISHED I had gone to see my dad, even if he was never there for me. It would have allowed me some connection, even if just for a little while. I don't feel guilty for not seeing as I never knew him well, but I did feel angry at my mother for being so manipulative throughout my life.
That said.. think it through.... even if you reach out, he may not reach back but IF he does.. well, then maybe a visit to see him for a few pictures so that your child can have them would be a good idea. Somewhere down the road, when you child is older, he/she may want them. Thing is, if you do end up visiting with your child's father, because your child is still so young and as you say, you don't want to introduce a possible heartache of losing his/her dad to death, you don't need to say this is your dad.. just let them visit and see how it goes.. no pressure...
Think it through... at this point, you don't even know for sure if your ex will want to visit.. you could just reach out and tell him that you heard about the illness... then see where it goes from there...
take this one step at a time.... but try and approach all aspects with an open heart and mind...
good luck

You do nothing. If the dad was interested in your son, especially now in his last days, HE would have sought you out. And at the age of 2.5 - 3.5 your son is likely not going to remember him anyway even if he did see him. So I say leave it alone. Good luck.

The other concern is what do you say when you introduce someone who quickly passes away? You might put it out there that you are not sure what is best for the child, but is there anything he might want to say to his son? If he is very sick, he may not even be able to see people or speak. Is there any other family member you might try to contact?

What you say in the future depends on the age. I actually find it a relief now to be able to say my absentee father is dead vs "I don't know".

I would try. your little one is young enough not to experience the pain of loss of a short term relationship. Set aside all other considerations, including how he has not had a relationship with his child, and do this for a dying man.

I believe in fate. I truly believe that you looked and found out now that he was dying. I think you should try contacting him or a family member. Ask one last time. Personally I think it would haunt me if I knew he was dying and did nothing to reach out to him and then he died without a chance to see his son again. Maybe he feels remorse but can't bring himself to contact you. No one knows that answer.
The biggest question you need to ask yourself is "Can I bring my child around his family?" Does he have a good family that you wouldn't mind seeing? They may very well try to attach themselves to your son once he passes. Almost like keeping his memory alive? Does his family know about your child? If he comes from a family that would not be good for your son to be around then I would let it go. Other than that, I would try to reach out one last time. When you do decide to reach out make sure that you know for a fact that he is getting your message. You don't want to be left with doubts for yourself or your son that maybe he didn't get the message and that's why he didn't contact me. Your son will never remember this meeting, when he gets older, so don't be afraid to bring him along.

Wow, this is a tough one. I used to be a single mom to my now almost 18 year old. Her dad and divorced when she was 2 and he pretty much did the same thing as your ex, split after the divorce was final. Over the last 12 years he has been in and out of her life, making promises he never kept, now that she is almost 18 she wants nothing to do with him, her choice. I have always encouraged a relationship between them but she was so hurt by his actions and empty promises she just decided about a year ago she was done. He is in the military and i am also afraid one day we are going to get some bad news on his behalf, only bc he goes overseas to combat. If it were me, I would probably let it go. If your child hasn't seen him in the last two years it could cause a lot of confusion for him if you start bringing him around his dad until the day he passes. I guess i would be willing to have them meet just once and then stop it there, but that would be kind of hard bc i am sure the dad would want more time with his son. What a sad situation but honestly, your ex caused this horrible issue for his child. I totally understand how you are feeling. Over the years i have asked myself what is worse for my DD, her not having her father in her life, or her having her father only at HIS convenience. Good luck! As a mom, i am sure you will make the best decision for your child. Hugs.

I would try. I would let him know via a way you know he will receive the message - email, phone call etc. Let him know you are sorry to hear of this sad news (if you are) and that, as always, he is welcome to see his son and this is how to contact you.... he may or may not call, but opening the door for him again may do him, and your son good. You may like to snap a couple photos with him with his son if they get together, if you can. It may be very helpful to your son as he gets older to have those photos so he can at least know he knew him.

He may not call, it may be too hard for him or maybe he has enough on his mind dealing with his own mortality, that he may not be willing, or even able, to reach out.

I just feel like opening that door for him and his son would be the decision you for sure would not regret.

I do not think a couple visits from a virtual stranger will damage your 3 yo son in any way. Sadly, he will not remember the visits is any meaningful way.

I would just leave it alone. By being sick, he has still not earned the title of "Daddy." He could have called. He could have emailed. He has done nothing so he does not care about your child. After your attempts, what do you think he was doing? He had no desire to be a daddy. Is this the kind of person you want your son to meet? Do not reach out to this loser.

You should only feel guilty if he has repeatedly wanted to have a relationship with your son and you have refused.

Let it go. When he grows up and asks about his daddy, just tell him you made a mistake and picked a guy (not a man) that didn't want to be a daddy, so your son doesn't think it was his fault his daddy left.

Tough situation.
On the one hand it would be nice for them to get together so you can at least have a picture of them together - your son will have that to look at for the rest of his life.
On the other hand, the man might look/feel horrible and be too wrapped up in his own dying, might be out of his head and acting inappropriately, might think you've come around looking for support/inheritance, etc.

My brother inlaw died of a brain tumor - the last two years of his life he made my sisters and his daughters life a misery (spending thousands of dollars on strippers and erectile dysfunction meds, filing for divorce, etc - his disease was making things VERY difficult - he was not himself at all).
He was in denial of his impending death until 2 weeks before he died and then he wanted to see his dogs more than he wanted to see his daughter.

Contact him and be clear about why you want to see him (for that picture for your child) and see if he's willing to do that.
Asking about inheritance wouldn't be inappropriate but it might be better to save that for another visit (or leave it alone and contest his will - see a lawyer about that).
He has a child and he should have made arrangements for support of his child (but it's possible he hasn't).

I don't know about seeing him, but I would see if you can get some pictures and information from him and his family which would help your child at least know who he was and where he came from. Your child will be very interested in knowing their heritage as they get older. If he is sick now, he may not be capable of having visits with your child that will be positive.
I would be interested in knowing how you found all this out online. Through Facebook?

Don't do that to your child...

You have never prevented dad from seeing kid...that was his choice....it is still his choice.

Leave it be...the kid us better off not having to go through that pain.

To be honest u am very surprised an almost 3 you would even ask about someone they have never seen.

Updated

Don't do that to your child...

You have never prevented dad from seeing kid...that was his choice....it is still his choice.

Leave it be...the kid us better off not having to go through that pain.

To be honest u am very surprised an almost 3 you would even ask about someone they have never seen.

I think you've gotten good advice. It's a tough spot and I don't know what I would have done in the same.

I do want to throw out one awful thought though and that is to make sure that you verify (discreetly, of course) that he actually is sick. My oldest son's father faked having multiple myeloma while I was pregnant. It was a very convincing act that he carried on even after he moved out of state. Not sure what his motivation and end game were (and don't really care) but just wanted to throw that out there in case your son's father is as crazy as my son's father was.

What a quandary.

I agree that a 2.5 year old will not remember a one-time visit with someone, and if that person is sick, it might not be beneficial in the long run. Yes, you could take a picture, but is that preferable to having a picture taken of his father when he was healthy, even if the child isn't in the photo?

Elaine raises a good point that perhaps he's been sick for some portion of the last year-plus, and that's why he didn't respond. Maybe he didn't want to discuss that he was sick, maybe his brain function was clouded by tumors, maybe something else. At some point, one has to accept that your ex didn't want to be involved. Whether that is an emotional detachment (not wanting to acknowledge his son), or a financial one (not wanting to pay to support the child), only you know.

I guess I would base the decision on YOU. Would you like to say goodbye? Do you think he would welcome that or find peace with it? Would it cause more pain for him or for you? I honestly don't think you would be doing this for your son at this point in his young life - there's no benefit other than the questionable value of a picture of them together on the off chance that could be arranged. But what good would it do long-term? ("Here's a picture of you with your father - there's only 1, sweetie, because he never wanted to see you." That could cause MORE trauma for your son in that he would feel rejected because of who he is - it may be easier and better for his self-esteem to just learn that his father pretty much left before getting to know him, so it was his father's deficit and not based on the child.)

I like Elaine's suggestion of a "Board of Directors" - you can reach out to your ex or perhaps talk to YOUR friends or perhaps some relatives or old friend's of you ex. Assess the situation, and perhaps email him or have one of them broach the subject with him. If you hear back, great. If you don't, no change in your current situation.

You'll just have to move on to show an old picture of your ex and explain to your child that there are all kinds of families. Some have a mommy & a daddy, some have 1 mommy, some have 1 daddy, some have 2 mommies or 2 daddies, some have a grandma or an uncle, some are foster families with no mommy or daddy with with grownups who love and care for the child. Surround him with other adults who love him so he doesn't become afraid of what will happen to him should something ever happen to you.

Good luck.

I am on the fence with this.

I think this depends on you. What you are going to tell your son about his dad. You have absolute power to sway his mind to anything.

If he sees his dad, you can get some photos, and then dad is gone. Kiddo can be told daddy is in heaven, here's a photo of you and your dad before he passed away. He loved you and didn't want to go away but he had no choice.

Or you can simply tell kiddo that his daddy died and is in heaven watching over him. Period. Some time in the future he'll find out when his dad died and wonder why there aren't any photos of them together or why he can't remember even a vague image of his dad.

I think this is up to you and what you want the story to go like. I also think that if dad is decrepit looking it might be traumatizing to your child. I had a friend do chemo or radiation and as she got close to death she was bald and swollen and puffy and white thin skinned. I went to go see her and I wasn't prepared. It totally freaked me out. She asked me why I wouldn't look at her. I was so ashamed and embarrassed. She passed away a couple of weeks later.

So if dad is different looking it's too late.. I'd skip it and just let him know his dad is in heaven keeping an eye on him to keep him safe.

I get the feeling he does not care to be involved. Even now. This is the time people will sometimes make amends. I think it would be too confusing for your son to see him now. Try contacting the family maybe you could bring pictures. Tough situation.

Definitely a hard situation ... I can understand where you don't know what is the best thing to do here.

I think, if this were me, I'd have to contact him first just to say I'd heard about his illness and how sorry I was, and go from there.

Until I spoke with him, I'd have no clue whether to involve my child. I think that's the only way you'll know whether it is worth it or not. Cancer changes people ... he may be a different person and maybe he had his reasons for not being involved as others have said. You would only know that for sure if you spoke to him.

If you choose not to contact him, that's understandable too. You don't mention how things were left off (other than him not having a role in your child's life which is bad enough) so if things were really bad ... you may have zero interest. Understandable.

Best of luck to you - hard situation for sure.

All children of single parents ask about their absent mommy or daddy. They do it because they see other children who have them. You will be asked many awkward questions over the years - that's part of childhood and part of being a parent, and this question is no different. Don't make this question be about more than it just is - normal for a child to ask.

You should not be taking this child to see a "daddy" with stage 4 cancer. I'm sorry, but cancer is not a kind disease and he will look frightening to your little boy. It is NOT in his best interest to have this memory deep in his psyche that he will not understand, not be able to verbalize and will be very confused about.

Just because this is a "dying man" doesn't mean that he should get to be selfish and have a "last chance" of seeing a child he didn't care one wit about before.

When your son is older, you can tell him that his biological father died. By the time he is old enough to understand, you very well may be married again. NEVER tell your son that the new daddy is his biological father. Don't do that to him. He will need to know that medical history when he is older.

Do not hide that his father was never interested in seeing him. When he is old enough to know, you need to gently tell him. You should add to it that it wouldn't have mattered if it was him or any other child of his - he wasn't interested in being a father. If you aren't honest, he may decide to make his dead father a "hero" and hold a grudge against his stepdad.

Don't take your son to see this man. I believe you will see behavioral issues come from this if you do. And it will be very h*** o* your son.

I say take what JC said and copy it in my response...her words were very wise.

If you are geographically near, go yourself once,for you-you had an attachment once and you are dealing with a person who is facing the end of his life. Whether he disappeared because of finances or emotionally couldn't handle the loss of his little family I don't know, but you are on a different life page now, not a courtoom and can ask him in person one more time if he wants to see your child. And if he says yes your child is very, very young and a meeting with anyone happens all the time and they can go through emotional loss leaving a babysitter or a new friend in the park.So it will be with this, if it happens. Having not had a 'daddy' he won't really know what he is missing and only until later in life do most people begin to wonder about their parents.

I would probably leave things alone.

My brother-in-law passed about two years ago from cancer. Near the end he stated that he was dying and wanted to see his children. I do not know if they went to see him or not as we live in different states. Their relationship as father and daugthers was not the best.

So it is up to to you to do what you feel is best. The father did not make any attempts after the divorce to be in contact so that might be your answer.

If you feel you must then you can introduce him as George or something as a person you wanted your son to meet who was ill. Don't go overboard on an explanation and to take a picture or two of them. But you might not want the picture if the person is very ill looking as cancer does change the appearance greatly.

When your son is older and he asks you can state that he become very ill and suddenly passed. As one poster stated it was easier to say he did than she did not know.

the other S.