Do I Take My 3 Yr Old to See Grandma Who Is Dying Od Cancer?

Yes! Let him see her! Death is a normal and natural part of life. My daughter was three when her grandmother was dying from cancer and was in a lot of pain. At first, she was taken aback by the sight of her grandmother being so sick, but was very quickly over it and chattering gently and making her grandmother smile. Kids are awesome, they are so much stronger than we give them credit for. Take him, let your step mom say goodbye and let it be a life lesson for your son. I'm sorry for your family, we will keep you in our thoughts.

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I would definitely take him to see her. When my grandmother passed away almost three years ago, my daughter had just turned three and she asked to go see granny. (she also had hospice care at home in the end) Like you, I was a bit hesitant, but figured they had such a great relationship that it was important for both of them. I told my daughter that granny was going to look different( teeth out, glasses off, hair piece removed). My doughtier went and climbed up on the bed and held my grandmother's hand. She looked right at her and told her she loved her and to have fun in Heaven with the angels. Still brings a tear to my eye. My grandmother told her she loved her and they gave each other a kiss. My daughter still mentions it on occasion. I really believe that kids take your lead. If you present in a calm manner and talk to them about how it's sad to lose someone you love, kids can often surprise you with their innocent insight and wisdom. I wish you and your family strength and love during this time.

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I'd take him... G. NEEDS to see him, she's the one that's dying, let her have that wish.
Explain it to your son before you go, that G. looks kinda gross cuz she is very, very sick, but she wants to see you. Tell him to be a brave little man, give gma a kiss if she wants one and such... This is so sad.
He is only 3, probably wont remember it, but might since it's sort of a tragic thing... and he should be able to have a memory of his G..
prayers to you guys.

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When my dad was in hospital last year, I took my 3 yo to see him. She was fine. He subsequently passed away, which she really didn't understand at first.

Just prepare your son by telling him that Grandma is really sick and looks different. Kids adapt really well.

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I would take him to see her. Let him know ahead of time that she's ill and she might look differently. When my grandfather was at the end of his life, I took my daughter to see him. He absolutely lit up around her. She was his only great grandchild and so proud of her. She doesn't really remember it, but because of all the photos we have of them together, she feels very attached to him. He gave her quilts that hospital volunteers had made for him. She's 24 and still has them and is using them for her new baby.
My father in law had alzheimer's and dementia. My husband and son were over visiting and staying with him. They gave his caregivers a few days off. He was 84. Grandpa got up after having lunch one day and said he wanted a nap. He passed away that afternoon in his sleep. My son was 3. He didn't really understand what was going on. He just knew that a firetruck came and they took his grandpa. For quite a while after that, every time he saw a firetruck, he asked if that was the one Grandpa was in. As if Grandpa was just riding around in a firetruck somewhere.
Little kids' perceptions of things are hard to anticipate. What you do know is that Grandma loves your little boy and knowing she doesn't have much time left, I'm sure it would mean a lot to her to get to see him, even if just for a little while. Take him before it gets to a point where she might not know if he's there or not.

That's just my opinion.
I'm sorry your family is going through this. I know how difficult it is.
Best wishes.

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definitely take him. you will regret it if you dont.

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I also say take him. When my grandma was in late stages of Alzheimers I took my kids to see her before we moved out of state, knowing it would be the last time. My kids were 4 and 1. Great Grandma was definitely not the same person my son had been seeing the first three years of his life, she was confined to a wheelchair or her bed, had lost TONS of weight, and didn't speak anymore.
When we showed up at the nursing home, she smiled and waved, and talked and babbled very loudly the whole time! My mom said it had been weeks since she had made a sound, and all the staff were coming over to her and exclaiming about how amazing to see her "come to life" while my children were there. She even sat still and smiled for pictures!
Take your son for your step mom, it will absolutely brighten everyone's day.

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I would take him. It is a part of life. You can use it for a learning tool, and for a goodbye for grandma. Children do better with stuff like this than you would think. I'm always surprised. It's all in your approach and how you talk to him about it... (((hugs)))

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Take him. I was 6 when my grandfather died, ( although your child is three years younger) and I really wanted to go. I still feel to this day, that I was unable to say goodbye to him, or give him a kiss and hug. It will mean everything in the end. Very sorry to hear, and will be praying for you and your family.

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yes let him see her, when my grandmother was dying my family did not take me to see her and I was 9 yrs old. To this day I am still hurt I never got to see her. He may not remember the day of seeing her but he will have the memory of saying goodye and all of the happy memoriers you will be able to share with him. Just be sure to tell him to be gentle and use his quiet voice bc she is sick and needs to have it quiet. closure is very important at any age.

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I'm sorry for your impending loss.

And, in answer to your question, yes, ASAP! Our family has had experience in this area, and it benefits the dying relative who loves the child and is happy to see them, (they deserve whatever happiness they can have at this point) and the child who sees them can understand better when you explain that she is now gone to heaven or whatever you believe in. It also can bring out the love and compassion in a child to see the person they love so frail and ill, I've seen it in my grandson who is 3. Just explain to your son that she is very sick and will look different than when he last saw her.

We are also in a situation where my 26 month old sees home health nurses, IV's, a wheelchair, porta-potty, etc. for my 86 year old dad at home. He thinks it's normal! If you handle the situation with grace your child will follow.

God bless you family<3

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yes....ive had both my husbands parents and my parents die, and both my g-parents. Its important to let your son say goodbye and give him that memory of doing so.

Kids need closure too.

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Well, seeing my grandpa in the hospital just before he died of cancer has stayed with me my whole life; I was 4. It didn't scare me, but it is the strongest memory I have of him: hooked up to ventilators and feeding tubes - it wasn't pleasant.

Because of that memory, I decided NOT to go see my grandma when I was 15 and she was in the hospital dyng. I regret not going to say goodbye everyday.

My father has all kinds of health complications, the most recent being prostate cancer. I have 3 daughters (all under age 5) and would absolutely take them to say goodbye, no doubt in my mind.

I say take him. Let them say goodbye. Prepare your son by telling him that grandma is sick and will *look* sick so he doesn't go there expecting her to be her 'normal' self; go into as much detail as you feel he needs and can handle.

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I would take him. Prepare him that she is very sick and may look scary or not like he remembers her. Also tell him she is very sick and he will probably not get to see her again. I would plan for a very short visit and let him leave the room if he wants to or is upset. Also validate his feelings (upset, sad, angry, scared and so forth) that grandma is so sick. You will probably have many (probably short) conversations about death in the near future. But usually honest and age appropriate answers are the way to go.

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I took my 3 year old and it went well, she didn't have a bad reaction. I am so happy she said goodbye to my loved one.

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I say take him. Explain in very simply language that he can understand that she is sick, how she might look and that she will be gone soon to live with God. Be prepared that he may still be afraid when he sees her and he may cling to you. Be supportive of his feelings and don't force him to hug/kiss etc. Just be honest, supportive and understanding of his feelings and needs. Yes, your Step mom is dying but your son can handle this if you give him what he needs. She will understand if he is scared or does not hug her, she is an adult. Her just seeing him will make her feel better and his seeing her will help him to understand when she is gone.
You as his parent knows him best, I am sure you will make the best choice.

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I would take him - forewarn him that Grandma was really sick and may look a little different than before, but she's still the same person and still loves him. Also let him know this may be the last time he can see her, because she is dying. Let him know that dying means a person's body no longer functions and that most people decide to bury their body in the ground - but their heart and soul go on with everyone who loves them and remembers them.

Or whatever your religious affiliation states... generalities like the above work better than religious stuff because they are too young to understand and take things very literally.

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I want to say, well of course! However, I have learned a few things in my years... First that learning about death is important for kids but not always at such a tender age. Second that what they see/feel at 3 is probably not going to stay with them for forever but may bother them temporairly. Third kids do not care to see someone they know looking terribly different.
One day my poor son, I did not understand he would be nervous around me for a day or two, even a little shy and stand offish when, for him (he does not like the feel of hair touching him), I chopped my hair (down to my butt) off (above the shoulders), for a day at least he was fairly weary of me.
Another example is Great Gma wears a wig, always has ... for years and years, well she is in a nursing home now and often does not wear her wig. The few times I have taken him and the many times she has come here and taken a nap and come downstairs with if off he will not go anywhere near her, and often screams and runs to the basement. So, if you can do something to prep you son for what is coming and or prep gma too it would be helpful
Hopefully my/my son's experience helps you in making your decision.

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I believe that as shocking as it is to see someone sick it's important. While the spirit is still in the body the shock isn't as bad. After they are gone it's terrifying. I would say take your child now. But don't take your child to the viewing when the time comes.

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Yes, ASAP. This is just as important as any other milestone in a persons life. Also your child could go to the funeral.. have someone there that can take him outside if he gets antsy.. He is about the age where he will begin to understand what behaviors are expected..

Even if she is not conscious, you will never regret it.
I am sorry, about all of this. I will be sending you peace.

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I would check with the hospice providers as they may have a child grief counselor who has a good answer for you. It really probably depends on the kid and I would think they are also experienced with setting your step mom up to look as "non-frightening" as possible for a small child. When my MIL died 10 years ago the youngest kids in the family were older than yours is now but it was very important to her to see everyone.. I would think the hospice can help you out here

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I would take him. Death is a natural part of life and you don't have to get too detailed about it with him now... it's confusing for kids when people, pets etc... are just suddenly gone. I'd let him know that she will look different than he's seen her before because she is very sick, and after she passes, I would look at photos of them together with him to help him grieve.

So sorry~

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Yes I would take him to see her. Imagine being in her shoes wouldn't you want to see your grandkids one last time, hug them, kiss them?
Prepare him for the visit that grandma is very ill, she will be going to heaven (or whatever you believe in) soon.

One a side note: My kids have always gone to the funeral services in church and been just fine (quiet and well behaved)

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TAKE HIM!!!! Tell him Grandma is VERY sick and doesn't feel good at all, but seeing him will really cheer her up. Let him know that she may or may not be able to talk to him very much, but it's important to see people -especially when they're very sick. Chances are he will remember very little of any of it as time goes by, but you don't want her to die not having gotten to see him one last time. You're going to have to explain her absence anyway, so it's a good way to start (and keep it very simple for his age) the conversation about death. A lot will depend on your spiritual or religious beliefs as to what you tell him. Just reassure him that you and his immediate family will be here for a long time and that he'll be here for a long time but that eventually EVERY living thing does die and that it's okay. It's just because we're a part of the Earth and we eventually return to it. My mother died when my oldest was 3. They were extremely close and she watched him a lot. I didn't delve into my spiritual beliefs with my son at that point, but I do believe that our soul, or energy, goes on after death, so I fell back on the classic explanation of Heaven and how fabulous it is and how GiGi can look down and see him and loves to see him come visit her special place (grave) and how she gets to see all the other people she's loved in her life who also have died, etc. It's actually a very nice, concrete explanation for little kids that can make it all seem not quite so scary. I feel like we have years to delve deeper...

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I would take him. My mother is fighting lung cancer right now, and if I ever got the news that she was in her last days and requested to see my children, I would take them in a heart beat. You don't want to look back on this time and regret it, especially if he hasn't seen her in awhile. Grant her this dying wish. It is important.

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At age 3 I would say it depends on whether she's able to communicate with him. If she's medicated and sleeping most of the time I can't see the point in bringing him to visit. If she's able to speak a little and hold hands or hug him then yes bring him for a visit.

My father died 2.5 yrs ago from colon cancer and he looked forward to visits from his great grandchildren. They were young with limited understanding and once he got to the point of sleeping most of the time their visits stopped.

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Absolutely. She wants to see him, and I'm sure he wants to see her. As a child he may notice if she looks different but kids I believe see peoples souls, and he loves her. I would regret it if I hadnt let my kids say goodbye to my grandma last year. And they were not at all scared, just worried but it's a good opportunity to explain life cycles, the belief in heaven helped us too. Someone told me about a book I still want to buy, I thinks it's called nana upstairs nana downstairs. I'm sorry for what your family is having to go through. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

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I would say no. Admittedly, I'm a little funny about these things though. When the "great-grandma" was in the hospital dying, I wouldn't take my kids. And she understood. But my MIL took my youngest (about 3ish) against my wishes without telling me. I guess she walked in the room, my daughter got scared and flipped out, and she had to turn around and leave. She was SO upset for ages afterwards. I was so mad.
I did take her to the funeral, but not to the cemetary burial - I thought that seemed a bit much.
I'm sorry you have to go thru this - blessings to you and yours.

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Yes and just explained to him as gently as you can what is going on. If it is her dying wish to see him I think you should oblige. Dying is part of the cycle and unfortunately it hits us at all ages. I'm sorry your son will have to see his Grandma this way, but it just might be important to do so.

Wow, you've had loads of wonderful responses! Your question brings out our personal stories which may or may not be helpful. I'll try to be brief:
If your son is only 3 I would hesitate to take him. He may not be able to cope with the stress and if your step mom is not really conscious or able to relate who would it benefit?
On the other hand, if your son is fairly mature (or near 4 years old) and your step-mom is conscious and able to receive him in a more-or-less normal way then I would bring him.
Hard choice. I'm sorry you're going through this!
p.s. I took my 2-almost 3 year old to visit my grandmother who was dying. In retrospect I would not take her. It was a lot of driving for a very low quality visit and my daughter, though not traumatized, doesn't have a good memory of the visit. It was hard on us all and I think I did it to please my Mom.

I would hesitate taking him if she looks a lot different than she normally does. When I was 16 my grandmother died of liver cancer and when I last visited her it didn't even look like her and I was so sad. It was very hard for me to see her that way.

I would take him. If you've been raising him up to this time with a fairly realistic view of life, he should be able to handle visiting a dying grandmother. My experience with kids is that they usually handle such things much better than we adults do.
I would talk to him first about grandma being very sick and not looking like he is used to seeing her. Tell him that she can't do the things she used to do with him. That way he won't be so shocked when he sees her. The joy seeing him will bring to her will be well worth you taking him.
Don't be dismayed if he is a bit upset about her condition. That is also a normal part of life. Just reassure him that she soon will not be in pain and sick anymore. Talk to him from your own faith perspective about what death means. We worry so much about teaching our kids basic personal skills and academic skills, but I'm afraid we sometimes fail to address emotional issues such as death and sickness adequately with them.

I would encourage you to take him. Death is a natural part of life, but it is hard on everyone. Going to the hospital will help him understand some of what is going on, and why you are grieving. Prepare him beforehand so he understands what she won't look the way she has, and that she will have tubes, etc. You might also get some books on death and dying (I'd recommend Lifetimes, by Bryan Mellonie), and give your stepmom a last chance to see him.

D., I'm so sorry you are going through this. Is Grandma conscience? Can she talk?

If she still can, I can see you taking your son. If not, I wouldn't do it. I'd get pictures of her out and talk about her being very very sick and that she is going to go to heaven soon.

Go to the library and get some children's books on dealing with death. That will help, and he won't be so terribly shocked by seeing her look so bad, bu will see the pictures from before that will make him feel comforted.

I would not take your son to the funeral, but do take him afterwards to be with family if it works out to do that. I think that taking him to the cemetary is also fine, but not until the coffin is already placed in the ground.

Not everyone agrees with these views, but having grown up playing the piano or organ and singing for funerals, I've seen so much difficulties with children being at funerals, that this is my feeling. I know you didn't ask about the funeral, but it's a logical ending here.

D.

We took my 3 year old and 5 year old to see my mother in law before she passed away. My 5 year old made a book of pictures of favorite things she like to do with Nana and read the book with her grandma. I did this so that my daughter would know that she had let her Nana know how much she loved her and also have something to remember her special times with Nana. We prepared the kids before we went and explained that she was tired and stayed in bed most of the time and used a wheel chair to get around. We also explained that she had a tube with oxygen that helped to give her energy. We also explained that Nana had taken medicine to make her cancer better, but that the medicine sometimes stops working for some people and that her cancer was not getting better anymore. We tried to make our time with her as normal as possible for the kids and watched "Cars" and read books. I think people tend to have a picture of what someone looks like in there mind and not always see how they really look. When I look back at pictures I am amazed by how frail my mother in law looked, but at the time she just looked like the woman I loved. I think kids are like that too. When I picture my Grandparents it is how they were in their prime not as they were before they passed. I am so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time.

D., I am so sorry you are going through this, I just lived this horrible nightmare my self, with my dad, He was home hospice for 2 weeks, and my 4 year old daughter saw him everyday up until the last day when he was fighting for breaths. Her and I always saw him everyday, and I didn't want those last days to change, my husband spoke to her about how Poppop went from being a little sick, to being very sick, and his dr's couldn't help him, and now God is going to take him to heaven, bc that is where all his pain will go away. This is still very fresh in our lives, as my Dad just past away last weekend, but everyday, my daughter talks about Poppop, and how wonderful he was, I think it will be a special memory for you to bring your son.
I hope this helps

Yes! This is about grandma right now. I took my daughter to see her grandpa that was dying from mesothelioma and he was in pretty bad shape. My daughter was a bit afraid because he was hooked up to all of these tubes and looked really bad but it really meant a lot to my grandpa. He will be OK.

Hi D.,

Let me start off by saying that I COMPLETELY understand what you and your family is going through. My nephew had cancer at the age of 11 (8yrs ago) and my son was almost 2 at the time. They had been the best of cousins, almost brothers, spent a lot of time together playing and such. Well, when we found out that my nephew had cancer, it was so aggressive, he was in the hospital all the time. It was said that the cancer was going to take his life. Now, to your question: I had it set in MY mind that there was no way my son was going to see his precious cousin so sick and looking nothing like himself. However, my nephew WANTED to see my son. I talked to my mother, who is a RN, and my sister to make sure they thought it would be OK. When I explained to my son what was happening to my nephew and what to expect and that we wouldn't be there long, he just smiled, held MY hand and said "We'll be just fine, no worries mommy." So, I took him to see my nephew and I think it truly helped heal my nephew. They played together and laughed. That was music to everyone's ears! My nephew, a sick, weak and dying CHILD, LAUGHING!! We were there almost everyday. It did NOTHING negative to my son. I think it did just the opposite, it showed him that in times of death, there is nothing to be afraid of and we should all be compassionate towards people we love. I hope this helps. In the end though, the choice is yours, your husband and yes, even your sons. God bless you and your family.

Take him. Explain to him that she's very ill so she might sleep a lot and there might be machines and she has a special bed, etc. My Dad died of lung cancer (he never smoked) in August. My daughter was 4.75 years old at the time. He was only on hospice for 10 days and we spent the weekend with him just a few days before he died. He was on oxygen and he showed my daughter how the machine worked and it brought him great joy to see her. Just prepare him in an age-appropriate manner before you go, it will be quite a gift for her and you won't regret it in the future.