Just Became New Mom and Lost My Mom to Lung Cancer

I'm sorry that I don't have any advice for you but I just wanted to say that my heart aches for you. I cannot imagine the loss that you are feeling, but just treasure your child every day and honor your mom by being the wonderful mom that she knew you would be. I know that it's an overused saying...but time DOES heal all wounds. As hard as things seem right now, it will get eaiser and one day you'll be able to remember your mom without the pain and just think of all of the memories you can share with your baby about your mom. I'll be praying for you and your family and hope that you're feeling better soon. God Bless!

Hi D.,

I am in a unique position where your request is concerned. My mother lost her mother when she was very young, so I never knew my maternal grandmother. And her father died the fall before my parents were married. My mother never had the support of her mother/parents when I was born and when trying to raise me and my brother. If I may say, I think that she did a marvelous job without that role model (my mom was 6 when her mother passed). She and my dad moved away from all of their family and friends the day after they were married, and my mom had no one around to help her. My father travelled a lot at the time, so it became the 2 of us against the world after I was born.

I can tell you from other experiences in my life that your mother WILL see your daughter grow up. She will be there in your daughter's laugh, in her tears, in the ray of sunshine in her hair, and the dew on a flower petal in the spring. I know that my mother's parents have been there at every turn. They have been my unseen protectors, and my guides when I didn't have the answers. When you feel that cool breeze or the warmth of a familiar quilt, that will be your mother's love looking out for you and your beautiful daughter.

Hi D.,
I am so very sorry to hear about your Mom. I also lost my Mom to cancer, it has been 8 years now and she never got to meet my children. My boys are 4 1/2 and 1 year. I unfortunately can understand the heartwrenching pain of losing someone you love. Everyone has different shreds of advice and it sounds nice but is hard to follow when you are in the middle of mourning. Let yourself feel what you feel, if you tuck it inside it will come up in other ways and may be even harder to deal with later on.
What I find helpful, and maybe you will too once she is old enough is to share your Mom's memories with her. I tell my son Kody's stories all the time what his "Gammie" used to do and he loves it. He feels like he knew her even though they never met. I don't know what you believe in but find someway to believe that your Mom wouldn't want you to be sad every moment of every day when you have an angel sent to you in your daughter. I believe my Mom is always with me and guides me when I need it most and your Mom will too.
It is not a quick process but with love and support from family and friends I made it through when I didn't believe I would. Hold your daughter and allow her little face to bring you joy each day, whether your Mom is here on earth or not she is still all around you if you let her be. One day at a time, I hope you find all the strength you need.
I am venturing off onto a business out of my home and when and if you would like to try something like that too, I would love to tell you how you can be home with your girl.
Take care,
V. D.

D.,

I lost my step-mom to lung/breast cancer just after my daughter was born. It was so hard to not sink into the hole that was left in my heart. I was so glad my life could be a part of this woman/mentor/mother. She made me a better person and showed me so much in the time she was in my life. You will heal and think of your mom without crying in time. I can now talk about her and see pictures of her now and feel happy again. I miss her terribly even now. I have learned to appreciate my children, husband and family more because of my loss. These people we love are on loan to us. Especially our children. We are their guiding force for a small period of time before they find their own paths. Enjoy your new baby and all the great joy this life will bring you. Allow yourself to grieve and reach out for the ones you love. -pam

Hello D.
Sorry to hear about your mom passing,I lost my husband 15 year ago and I talk to him very often i visit him at the cemetary and talk to him and let me tell you they not there in person but the spirit is there, I was asking my husband so I could found another man in my life that he woud be like him we were married almost 35 happy year, well guess what I found another man that I'm happy with him and he has my husband allitude we love to travel we love semillar things, I always want to get remarried and be happy and make another man happy and we are, not I thanks my husband to send me a good man in my life, so don't hesitate to talk to you MOM and when the you child get bigger age 9-10 year old talk to him or her about grand ma hous egood she was and you wish they could see grand ma but in spirit grand ma his watching my grand son was 2 1/2 when my husband pass away and I alway if grand pa would be very happy of him and my grand daughter wasn't born and I did the same ting with her and I show them pictures of pepere{ grand pa} and I made picture of the grandchildren with a picture of grand pa.
just sugestion I hope it's gonna help you
GOOD LUCK

D.,
This is very hard timing for you. I'm sorry for your loss. My youngest of three, now 17, has grown up without my mom as she died the year before my youngest was born, from cancer. My mom also didn't ever get to see three of her other grandchildren and was only alive for 2 months after my sister's twins were born. All of this was difficult, but to put it all into perspective, our parents are at least supposed to go before us and certainly before their grandbabies. It is still hard to think about sometimes and I would have so loved to have my mom around my girls longer because she was sooooo good with my girls. Actually their relationships were better than mine was with my mom (and my siblings), but, ....but.... that loss and the loss of my father 5 years ago was nowhere near as painful as the loss of my middle daughter which happened last year. She lost her life at the age of 21 while away at college, in a terrible accident, a fire actually. THIS is grief. It is indescribably unbearable, intense, extreme pain.
Losing my parents was hard, but again, that generation was supposed to go before us. You and your children will be ok, it will take time to feel better, but it will happen. I'm sure it is difficult for you to feel grateful for anything right now, especially with extra hormones in the mix, but as you and your children age and you start to hear about tragic losses of children, you will count your blessings. (There are many of us who have lost children, by the way, all kinds of people, just like the rest of the population).
Just make sure you always talk to your kids about your mom. This will keep her memory alive. For example, my youngest loved it when I told her that she has her Nona's hair and her Nona was captain of the basketball team in high school, just like her, etc.
I wish you peace.

Hi D.. <3 I lost my mother when I was five years old. This doesn't really compare to you, I know. Having had her your whole life, and then losing her now is something I can't imagine. My heart goes out to you. Something that I wanted to share with you is that I have always talked to her. All through my adolescence, my high-school drama, graduation, the army. It sounds cliche, but she really was with me through it all, because I constantly made her a part of it.
A similarity that you and I do have is that I just recently became a mom too, and feel the loss of my mom anew. I want more than anything to be able to share this of all things with her. I still talk to her, and talk to my daughter about her, and even though she will never meet mom, we have a name for her too, just like her living grandma. I don't know what your faith is, but I am Christian, and take great comfort in knowing that she sees me, watches over me and Maeve, and that we will be together again.
The time that I think of her the most is when I am rocking my baby to sleep in her room. Here we are, holding our little bitty girls, and we can't help but think of how our mothers held us. The love that we have for our daughters, was once expressed for us when we were babies. More often than not, I still cry during these moments. The fact that we have these emotions and experiences will make us such good moms ouselves. We will raise our girls to be strong independant loving women, but will never forget how precious the bond that we have is.
I'm sending you all my love, D.. You are stronger than you think, and more capable than you know. Your mom was lucky to have you, and your daughter is even luckier to have you and the beautiful memories of her grandmother.

I am so sorry for your loss! Losing a parent is never easy, but when it is your mother, espacially as you become a mother, it is just devastating!!!

Always know that your mom will be wahcing you & your daughter. Talk out loud 'to her' sometime hearing your own words can make things a little clearer to you.

I know that it is not the same, but my father died the year before my daughter was born. She was born with a birthmark next to her eye...we have always told her that it is a kiss from Grandpa up in heaven!!!

Keeping your mother alive for your daughter, in stories, photos & video (if you have it), can really help in you greif as well as treasure & celebrate your memories!!

D.,
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I lost my mother in law to breast cancer when my son was 1 and I was pregnant with my daughter. I know it seems like your sadness will never go away, it won't- it will get easier though.We keep pictures all around the house and in the kids rooms over their changing tables so they will know who she is. I hope this helps.

Time, my friend..... Nothing will ever be the same, but you have a wonderful reason to go on in your new baby. If you feel that you need more help, call your doctor who can recommend a support group or in some instances, medication. Above all reach out and let others help you now!

My mom passed away when my kids were 3 and 14 mos. This is almost 4 years ago now. I still feel the same way you do but it is easier to deal with. My husband's grandmother lived to be almost 101 and it made me angry that she lived so long and my mother didn't (not that I didn't like his grandmother). It still upsets me that his mother will know my children more than my mother did but I am not angry like I was. It will take about a 1-2 years not to hurt so much. Maybe not even that long. I think about her everyday but I don't cry so much. I just tell the kids all about her when they ask and they come with me to the cemetery to plant flowers. It is heartbreaking but they want to be there. Your mom passed away so recently you do need to give it time. I actually saw a counsellor for a bit to talk about it. I also kept a journal for awhile telling my mother what the kids were doing and how they were growing. It helped. I know longer do these things now.

I hope some of this helps you. If you need to write more feel free to email me directly.

L.

D.,
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I am sure there are no words to help, but please remember your mom is now always with you and protecting your baby(ies)..I lost my father a few years back, and I see him in my children and it makes me so happy to remember all the good times I had growing up and things I even forgot about that they now mkae me remember. it is amazing how the crying for loss turns into crying for happiness and love. Take care.

Hi D.~
My sympathies to you about your Mom. I know you must be having lots of bittersweet moments with that precious little girl of yours. Grieve as much as you need to grieve. Don't let anyone tell you any different. But do remember this..your Mom IS watching your daughter grow up. Just in a different place. You'll realize it when you hear her favorite song on the radio or catch a whiff of her perfume. Little things like that are her way of saying she's always with you. Talk to her either through journaling or out loud. Put together an altar in tribute to her and visit it often. Teach your daughter all you can about her. I guarantee that as she gets older she will actually see your mother's presence when she visits.

This is all still really raw for you. It's only been a few weeks. Give yourself time. Celebrate her life. More hollow sounding words have never been spoken but it really does "get better". Take care.

so so so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what I would do if I lost my mom and can't imagine it ever feeling "normal" again. I can tell you that the severity of this loss will fade, but it will never just "get batter". She is watching over you and your baby. Good luck and go easy hun.

Hi D., I cannot relate to you. However, I just wanted to give you my sympathy because I cannot imagine what you're going through. I do believe that only time can help heal your heart and your grieving. Please let me give you a small piece of advice and that is to make sure, for your daughter, that you move on with life and all that remains. My mother never got over her father's death & it affected our relationship because she was never happy. It sounds like you love your daughter so much though that you can be happy again & appreciate your life and what you have even after this tragic loss. As for your mom not getting to see your daughter grow...just do all you can to put keep her spirit in your daughter's life, since her physical body won't be! Keep lots of pictures and talk about her often. Tell her stories. All too often we grow up not knowing our grandparents that have passed before our memories develop! Your story helps me to appreciate that my mom is still here for my unborn child as she just got over Lymphoma. I was only a couple of months pregnant as she finished treatments and I was so scared that it wasn't all gone. Then we got the final results that she is in remission. I'm still scared but try not to be. I wish you all the strength in the world to get through this. You are going to be ok.

I'm so sorry for your loss. We lost my father-in-law very suddenly last summer. That was the hardest part for my husband and I too that he's not going to get to see our children grow up. Our youngest was only 9 months old when it happened so he's not even going to remember him on his own. I think it is our job to help our children "know" him. What kind of man he was... I have to say it's still hard especially When there's a project that he and my husband would have done together or going through all the first holidays, birthdays, graduations and weddings... I just keep telling my daughter who is 6 that Grampy is still with us as long as we remember him and talk about him. She looks at me like I'm crazy now, but hopefully she'll understand some day. I realize that it was not my dad, but I was probably closer to him than anyone else in my husband's family... he was always the calm one with good advice.

I think you have to just take each day as it comes. Some days will be better than others for you. It will get easier as time passes...

Hi D.,First I am truely sorry for your loss,I can honestly say I feel your pain.I too lost my mom to lung cancer.It has to be the worst feeling in the world knowing that our moms wont see our children,ever.Not fair,not fair,not fair!!!All I can tell you is hold on to the memories cherish them, write it down,look at pictures and let it out.The saying is so true,"only time can heal"and that is true,with time you will feel better(i promise).It makes me so mad when people say that their mother is driving them crazy or they cant stand their mother....I want to scream and say you are so lucky to have your mom in your life!!!Anyway,your loss is still so new,im sorry again i just want to hug you!!I lost my mom when i was 18yrs old(im 35 now)and it feels like it was just yesterday that i was hugging her.You have to be strong for your baby,you will be ok,just love her and talk about your mom show her pics,tell her stories, everyday tell her at least one thing about your mom,put a picture of your mom in her room.I promise you, it will get easier,just cherish the memories.If you want to talk just email me and i will give you my #(really just let me know).You are not alone.Cheer up and know that she is in a beautiful place watching you and your family,she is with you every second,smiling...

Hi D. - I am so sorry for your loss. Having your daughter and losing your mother at the same time must be so bittersweet. I am lucky so far to not have had such grief in my life, but recently I heard some words that seemed to make sense. "Time doesn't heal, time passes". I think the bottom line is that you need time, lots of time, to go through this natural grieving process. It will never be fully complete but with time it will ease as you busy your days with your beautiful daughter and family and share in the joy she will be bring. Please don't expect this to happen quickly, but it will happen. In the meantime, get support wherever you can, whether that be in church, with a support group, with you siblings and other family or with a counselor. Sharing your pain with others can help the healing process. I will keep you in my prayers.

Your Mom will now have the important job of being yours and your daughters Guardian Angel. It is not an easy job and she will do it with much joy.

My mom passed away 5/99, 6 months before our wedding..so I know the pain..my son was born 2/03 and in so many ways my mom made herself known that she was around and watching over us all..

She will see you all grow and she will keep that Angel hand over your child.

And know that she is out of pain and is in her perfect sense of self..

Hi D., your loss is so very recent. I am so sorry. My mom (and bestest friend in this world) passed away on Nov. 25, and I am still in a fog. People tell me the same thing, time heals all wounds, but I don't believe them. It is not feeling any different to me now than it was in November. One friend told me it doesn't get better, it just gets different, and you learn to live in a different world as a different person. My son is 9 years old and was so extremely close to his Gram. He misses her terribly, and is in counselling now trying to learn how to live his life without her. It is so h*** o* everyone at any age. I send you my thoughts and wishes for peace. Please take good care of yourself and your daughter. I do know your Mom is with you always, and wants you to be happy.

K.

What a lucky little girl to have such a loving and sensitive mom. It is normal to feel that protective"fog" now.I too recently lost my mom. I understand for your sadness. As time goes on,your love for your mom will shine through with every story you tell, the pictures you keep nearby,the traditions you will carry on for your family.
I had to learn also that child care is a positive, extended family experience for my child, especially being a regular part of her weekly routine. Relax and enjoy your wonderful family! JM

D.,
I lost my Mom when I was 13, so she wasn't there for many of my life's most important events. My high school or college graduation, my wedding, the birth of my children etc. I have often thought that she is watching over us and sees what is happening. I usually pray and ask God to give her a message for me.

I'm not really sure what advice to give other than find people who have been there that you can talk to. The pain never goes away but you do figure out how to deal with it and how to keep on living joyfully.

Find ways to honor your mother's memory and when your daughter is older find a special way to let her know how important her grandmother was to you.

If you need to talk please feel free to contact me.

Wishing you the best!
A.

This story touched my heart. I sent you a private mail. My thoughts are with you for sure!!!

~K.

Hi D.,
I had just delivered my son when I found out that my sister/my best friend was diagnosed with lung cancer. My daughter was 2 1/2 years old at the time. My sister drastically went downhill and passed away right after my daughter turned 3 and my son was less than six months old. It was so hard to see her so sick. She couldn't even hold my son and I could tell that she wanted to so badly. She loved both of my kids so much but could barely hug them, she was so weak. Lung cancer is so devastating. It is still very hard for me to think about. I did see a doctor soon after her death and I have been on anti-depressants ever since. I don't think I will ever fully recover from losing her. All I can say to you, is take one day at a time. Your mom is watching over you and your baby. I fully believe that about my sister. If you feel that you need medical help, go for it. It really helped me. Otherwise, just talk to your friends and family and try not to keep your feelings inside. Good luck and my prayers are with you.

C.

Dear D.,
I am so sorry for your loss. Time does make it a bit easier to deal with, so be patient, it is still so soon after. You now have your mom close to you always, and she is watching over you and your family! Stay strong for your little one. I'm sure you will see traits of your mom in her as she grows. I hope 'the fog clears' soon.
L.

I am very sorry for your loss and not that I have ever experienced the loss of a mother I know others that have. Loosing your mom is a huge deal especially if you were close with her and being in a fog it's certainly part of the grieving process so you need to go with it.

My recommendation is to create some memories for your new baby girl, as she get's older do things that were tradition for you and your mom. Take your daughter to places that you went with your mom and work in your memories with mom in with the new memories you are creating with your daughter. It will help her understand just how much your mother ment to you and it will help her know what kind of woman she was.

What you can't do is be sad, your new baby needs you and your connection to this whole brand new world and maybe getting yourselves involved in the American Cancer Society Annual Walks to walk in your mom's memory. Let your Mom's Legacy Live Out!

Best wishes, I am sure it's such a difficult time and life will get easier each passing day. Kiss your baby and enjoy her!!

Hi D.,
First I want to say I am so sorry for your loss. I have not lost my own parents yet, but we did lose my father in law over 4 years ago. My daughter had just turned one and my son was only 3 1/2. What was so hard for me is that we lived so close and he was very involved. He absolutely loved the children and really got down to play with them and wanted to be the 'babysitter' when we went out. My son was very close to him as he had seen and interacted with him everyday since his birth or of course when he was old enough to realize! I know the grief is so hard and unbearable at times, all I can say is talk to your mother and pray! Find something special from your mother to keep close and put up some wonderful pictures especially in your daughters room. I know these are not probably the best advice you may have heard, but the one thing I really want to stress is to try to 'get out of the fog' so to speak. I still feel that I missed a lot of my daughters second year because I felt I was in that 'fog'. I can not fully feel your pain, but my father in law was the best Grandpa and father in law anyone could ask for and we still miss him and talk about him every day!!!! Just know that your Mom is with you in everything you do! And cherish your memories of her. I hope something I have said is somehow helpful! I will pray for you that you will be able to grieve and still live and enjoy every moment of your daughters life as your Mother enjoyed you and would want for you as well!

Dear D.,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope your mom's passing was gentle and as easy as could be expected.
My mom died just this past August. My daughters are two and four, so I am grateful that my mother got to meet them, at least. But I feel cheated, frankly, that they will miss out on the opportunity to have her as a grandmother, and that we all have missed out on the chance to share our lives as a extended family.
You need time to grieve for her, and what you have lost. As the working parent of a newborn (I also had to go right back to work, breastfeeding and all), you are already immersed in the intensity of trying to balance out your life, even as you have this wondrous (and demanding) new being in your midst. Do you have someone/people you can talk to? This is perhaps the most important thing...Especially if these are people who knew your mom.
If you have anyone at all who can give you a break just so you can go for a walk every once and a while (which can be invaluable as a new mother, too!), its amazing what half an hour by yourself or with a trusted other person can do. As difficult as it can be, try to find little spaces for yourself, with the help of trusted friends and family. Make an effort to appreciate yourself, and that you're doing a good job in taking care of your baby, and that you already had a lot to deal with before your mother's passing. I had to take a deep breath as a new parent every little once in awhile and appreciate the intensity of the situation, and the singularity of this time in my life. And my mom was alive then (although I was disappointed that her illness prevented her from being able to participate in that part of my children's life as I had always imagined she wanted to), so you have an extra emotional time. Remember, also, that your hormones can be messed up right now post partum, and never forget the role that post partum depression or "baby blues" can play. Grieving is natural, but if your functioning is really impaired, and you are utterly miserable or having disturbing thoughts, be sure to see a professional. I sought counseling for a little while after my mom died just to deal with the enormity of it all. The first two months were like sleepwalking, with occasional moments of awful clarity. (The shock stage.) The pain does lessen in its sharpness, but after talking with lots of people of different ages when they lost their moms, there is never a good time, or a time when it would hurt less. Even after less than a year, I can say its easier for me to remember her without tears now.
I found having little rituals or ways to remember my mom helped. I also talked with her a lot. I don't know what it is you believe in, but I found that after my mom's passing, any doubt I'd ever had about whether or not she (or other family)could see what was going on in my life vanished. I totally believe she's still a part of this family, I just don't have to worry about her pain anymore. OF course I'd still prefer that she was here, but that's not our lot in life. She's ok now. I know this.
Being in love with your children is a powerful healer, and I would remind myself, in the midst of my grief and my busy-ness, of the saying, "pray for the dead, and fight like Hell for the living". Spending time -immersing myself- in the everyday of life, and soaking up every minute with my beautiful girls, who are oh! so full of life helped. They both have my mom's hair, and are a living monument to her, no matter what. Taking care of them, and myself, is what I know she wanted.
Love your family, and make your Mom proud. Still.
I hope anything I've had to say has helped. Take good care of yourself.

Peace to you and yours,

H.
Windham

I'm sorry for your loss, many older people have told me that there is nothing more painful than losing a parent, especially if that parent was close to you.

I just recently lost someone who was like a father to me and am grieving also. Time has helped and also talking to those who knew him and memorializing his memory has helped, like you may do with your mother's memory. There is no panacea though, I am told we all will go through this process.

Please reach out to those who care about you and accept their comfort when you can. Your loss has been very recent, give yourself some time, the loss will always be there, but your ability to cope with it will develop as your life progresses forward.

D., I can totally relate and I am so sorry that you had to lose your mom. It is one of the hardest things I had to go through five years ago. I lost my mom during a milestone in my life too. My mom died of brain cancer 10 days before my wedding and now my daughter will never physically know her grammy.

It is really gut wrenching at times and you just cry when you go through things with your children. Your instinct is to go to your mom but, she is not there.

Know this, It is ok to cry. I do it often and it doesn't make you a bad person. Pull together all the pictures, videos and funny memories. Compile them in a scrapbook...write down all the memories, funny sayings, etc. This will be extremely hard but your daughter and future children will get to know their grandmother. I am doing it now and it is so hard and so fun and cathartic at the same time.

Bottom line is, be positive. She is overlooking you and your family. She is with you and your child may have traits of hers and it will be so awesome when you discover it.

Take care,

J.

Oh D.,
I am so, so sorry about your mom.And SO sorry that she won't be there in the physical to see her little granddaughter grow up.But you can bet, and you MUST know, that she will always be there in spirit,only a breath or a thought away, to comfort you and watch over your baby girl.
Talk to your mom,pray for her peace, and mourn her as you must. Take the time that you need to do that for yourself.No one can tell you how long and how you should mourn; there is no one right way, because we are all different.Keep your family and friends close; the warmth of them around you will be a comfort.Allow them to help and comfort you.Strengthen your family ties, and if you can, spend time with some of your mom's close friends, reminisce, look at old pictures,or videos, share stories of her. And get in touch with Hospice services in your area; they have support groups going, and they are angels of mercy who know just what you're going through.
All these things will help. It will take time.
Take care of yourself and love yourself like she loved you.
I wish you peace and treasured memories.
With much sympathy,
A motherless Grandma

Hi D.

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my father 4 years ago and I can appreciate your feelings of grief and living in a fog.

With a brand new baby as well, you are experiencing two major life altering events. As well, you are dealing with the hormonal changes associated with childbirth.

With all that is going on in your life your feelings are completely normal. However, you are at a greater risk of having your grief progress to a clinical depression. I recommend that you get involved with a good therapist now to try and head off that possibility.

I am sorry that such a wondrous time as the birth of a new baby is being overshadowed by your grief. My father also died of lung cancer and despite knowing he was considered terminal, when he actually died I was just in shock. I actually thought I was handling things fairly well. Initially, my life had less stress because being a caregiver for a terminally ill family member is so overwhelming. After my dad died in many ways my life was easier.

I stumbled around for about a year trying to make sense of his illness and death and ultimately I did experience a clinical depression which required treatment. I would say it took about three years before I stopped thinking about him almost constantly and began to experience joy again.

I did eventually find acceptance and now I can think of my dad and smile. It helps if you have a faith which you practice. For me, giving my troubles to the lord and believing I will see my dad again someday gives me hope.

I also believe that God sends you messages if you let yourself be open to let you know your loved one is ok and you can let go.

For me I began to see cardinals everywhere. (my dad's favorite) Frequently, when I was feeling especially low, I would take a walk and sure enough I would see a cardinal. We even had a family of cardinals nesting in our yard. I remember one day while I was dressng my three year old she said "mommy look at that pink bird" I looked up and a cardinal had landed on the fence right outside her window and was just watching us. This may not sound relevant to those who did not experience it, but somehow I just knew "alright dad you are ok I can let go".

I hope my story brings you some hope. Please take care of yourself and God bless you.

J. L.

I am so sorry for your loss. I understand what you are going through because I too am raising a daughter without a grandmother. I lost my mom when I was ten, so our circumstances are different but similar. When my daughter was born it became even more clear what I and my child were missing out on and I longed for the comfort and closeness that a mother/grandmother could provide. It still saddens me that she will not get to see my daughter grow in this life, but I resolved to keep her alive by putting up pictures and talking about her with my daughter often. I'm not sure if you are a believer, but this has helped me cope with it all tremendously because I know that my mother is still with us in spirit as well as through the life that she has passed down through me and into my daughter. The best thing you can do is try to keep her traditions and interests alive so that you and your daughter can still feel that connection to her. Peace and love to you...you will get through this and be a stronger person and mom for it!

D.,

You're in my thoughts and prayers. My grandmother (who I was EXTREMELY close to, she lived with me growing up) died of lung cancer the day before my youngest son was born. I loved her dearly AND I miss her terribly. What you're going through right now really sucks (sorry but other way to say it).

I was devastated, and it was devestating to see her pass away like that. This was 7 years ago. I still miss her very much, so I don't know if that ever goes away, and I too go through the thoughts of "Boy, if Noni was here to see you..."

Lean on your family and friends, and if you feel you need to, I would strongly reccommend seeing a therapist to help you along with this.

It's a hard enough time having a baby, let alone dealing with a death. Life does go on, and People are right, it does get better - but not overnight.

Good luck to you and I hope you keep us posted! You are not alone!!

I lost my dad to cancer during my pregnancy, and I can relate to how very hard it is to have a parent not there to share the joy and the special moments. It was painful to know that my son would not know either of his grandfathers - my husband's dad had passed away years before. It helped as my son grew to see the things he did or was interested in that were like my dad - my dad was an engineer, so watching my son build things was a nice reminder. We always told him stories about his grandparents - things he now (at age 18) tells almost as if he were there when they said and did them! That will come in time.

Right now, you are still mourning, and you are unable to fully feel the joy of a new baby because your emotions are all mixed up together in a giant stew. You may have some post-partum depression and some general new mommy exhaustion, but you also may have some depression related to your loss. You can't have the experience of having your mother help you with the baby, coo over her, etc. That is a big missing piece of the new mom experience.

Don't be afraid to seek some professional help! Do not let your gyn dismiss it as "baby blues" - that is a factor, but you have a lot going on. I am on a low dose antidepressant, and my stepdaughter did the same thing after her baby was born. There is no shame in it, any more that there is shame in taking insulin for diabetes or antibiotics for strep throat. There may be something chemically "off" - treat it as you would any other condition - with professional intervention.

The one thing I can tell you that MAY help is that your mother may have been enormously comforted as she was dying, knowing that you were going to have a baby and that you can pass on to your daughter all the love and nurturing that your mother gave to you. My father was supposed to die, and my mother called us to come to Florida. We fully expected to arrive after he died - but to our surprise, he hung on until we got there. I was able to sit in his hospital room and show him my growing belly, and talk about when he was a kid. He smiled, seemed more calm, and died peacefully the next day. He knew that his legacy would live on in our child, that I would pass to my child all the values my dad tried to pass to me. Maybe your mother felt the same way, and you can take comfort in that.

Do not rush yourself, do not expect this to clear up in any specific amount of time, and do not expect to be able to sort it all out - how much is mourning, how much is being overwhelmed with the work and the joy of motherhood, how much is juggling work and day care, etc. If you have older neighbors or people at church, let them be a type of surrogate or honorary grandparents, ooohing and aaaahing over your baby, even making you a meal or helping out for a little. It might help you to have your baby have relationships with an extended family even if they are not officially related.

Good luck, and be nice to yourself.

Hi D. - Losing a parent leaves a hole in you that can never be filled... To lose your Mom at such an important juncture must feel like just too much to bear. My heart is broken for you.

I am a 51 year old mother of a 10 year old only child and I pray every day that God will keep me healthy enough to raise her up to adulthood. I often wonder if I will know her children.

Sometimes we wonder what the gift might be in situations like this, but thank God you had her - and she had you - as long as you did! She was able to see the fruit of her labor in you as an adult... It's small consolation, I know, but it's true nonetheless.

Some others have a very different story to tell.

Right now, you are lost in the fog of grief and despair - of lonliness not only for you, but for your child. Is she young enough to change her name? Perhaps her middle name?

My daughter never knew her paternal grandmother, so we named her after her... It gives us a story to tell often and we can keep Grammy Carmen alive in our hearts each time.

Otherwise, my best advice is to find a support group. There are many wonderful ones out there and they are really very helpful. Why not give one a try?

Your Mom will be with you forever. And your breath will catch every time you think of her. You will cry for a very long time... And that's ok. That's love! And, believe it now or not, that is one of her gifts to you.

It's hard to reconcile all the "she's in a better place" stuff, but truly - just try to imagine how she felt standing before God and talking with him about her life. Whoa - speaking of your breath catching in your throat!

So BREATHE. Take your daughter out and revel in the glory of God every day. Watch trees bud and leaves fall. Watch the tide go in and out... Believe in the miracle of birth!

And every time you find a penny on the ground, tell your daughter that Gram was here... She can't speak to us, so she left this reminder that she was here to see you.

Everytime we find a penny, we say, "Hi Grampa!" and we have a lovely thought of my Dad and the time we had with him...

There are ways to keep her alive. But don't deny that you will always miss her...

I can imagine the pain and fog you must be in. I had my son after my father passed away and I had similar feelings. All I can say is try and enjoy this wonderful time with your daughter and think of her as a little angel your mom has sent to you. I often see my father in my son, little quirks, his ears, it is in those times that I feel a certain kind of peace. My condolences on the passing of your mother. Hang in there.

I am so sorry to hear about your mom. What you are going through is so unbelievably hard. My story is not exactly the same as yours but my sister passed away, at age 34, while I was 8 months pregnant with my second daughter. My sister was my very best friend and we talked 5 times every day. We had such an amazing relationship and when she passed, it was a complete shock to all of us. I was sure that myself and the baby inside of me would not survive the shock and grief. The baby is now about to celebrate her second birthday and my entire family views her as a gift given to us when someone else so precious was taken away. I cannot say that the grief and sorrow goes away and I continue to miss my sister every day. What does happen is that over time I do not have to cry every single time I think of my sister and I can talk about her without crying every time. I constantly miss her but my children are what are getting me through this. I can enjoy my life and things we do. I always miss my sister and know that my life would be better if she were still here but I know that I had to pull myself together for my children. Talk about your mom when you need to, cry when you need to, take time for yourself when you need to or surround yourself with people when you need to. For now, just take it one day at a time and get through each moment. It does not go away but you will learn to live without your mom, which right now I know seems impossible. Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. Please feel free to contact me if you need a friend or someone to talk to.

I am really sorry to hear about your mom. People telling you that things will get better is because they know it will. OF course losing your mom is hard, and she will not see your daughter grow. You can always talk about her with your daughter and keep in mind your mom is in a good place now and she is watching over you and your daughter. I know that right now your in a lot of pain and its okay to cry, but believe those who tell you things will get better.

My father never got to see my son, so I know how you feel. he died way before my son was born. And my son is JUST LIKE my father! My son is 17 years old now, and it still hurts a little. It will never leave you, especially if you were close with your mother. But please know that she is with you and your son, and watching over you. Ask her to send you a sign. (My mother, who passed away two years ago, sent 'pennies' as a sign after she died. I always made fun of her for picking up pennies in the street and, after she died, when I felt I needed her and asked for a sign, I saw so many pennies on different occasions on the street it was amazing, and every time, it brought tears to my eyes because I missed her so much and I knew she was sending me a sign.) Ask You Mother for a sign. She will send one.

What a confusing emotional tangle for you, D.. Most of it is composed of strands of love, and the best (only?) way I know to express love is in music. Did your Mom sing songs, or enjoy songs? You might sing your Mom's songs to your baby girl... I did, in a similar situation, and truly felt that all three of us were together in mother love.
All best to you, always --
M./Mom/Maimai

Hello D.,
I am very sorry for your loss. While I have not lost my mom, I lost my husband 6 yrs ago when my children were 6, 8 and 10.

Many people will try to tell you that you will 'get over it' and life will go on. The pain and constant grief you feel right now will soften as the years go forward and you will find yourself grieving in different ways.

Everyone grieves at their own pace and in their own way. Right now, it is very raw since it hasn't been even a month. Let yourself be sad, let yourself cry.... but also honor your mom in small ways everyday by being a loving mom to your daughter as your mom was to you.

There are many books on grief at the local library and in the bookstores on the loss of a parent. I found books a great comfort to me knowing I wasn't alone going through this. I also found a wonderful Grief counselor on the south shore who helped us during those first years.

((hugs))
L.

I am so sorry for your loss. Ugh. I too lost my mother to cancer, close to 5 years ago. I was pregnant with my first child at the time and it was absolutely horrendous. The pain was like a flood that would almost wash me away. I can say that it gets easier, though it never gets easy. I have now had 3 children since she has been gone and with each the pain has been immense. She wanted grandchildren so badly. She would just love them so much and our lives would truly be better with her here. That said, our lives are full and wonderful. I get to see my sweet mom every day in their eyes and I know she is with me, somehow. The truth is that no matter of screaming and sorrow and angriness is going to change a thing, so I try to focus on the positive and know that she taught me well. I have learned that it is okay just to accept my grief, and that sometimes it helps just to feel it and cry. I have spent many nights awake nursing a child and crying. And though I was sad, those were the times I felt closest to her, knowing she nursed her babies during the night, with her eyes burning from lack of sleep.

It is hard when people complain about their mom's, they have no idea what it is like. This job is hard and I have so much I wish I could ask her and share with her. I am not sure this helps, but just know you are not alone. I carry her with me every minute. I also talk about her freely with my children. I share pictures and stories and make sure they know that they have another grandmother who loves them very much.
Hang in there. I am so sory.

I know thw pain that you are going through. We were at my parents house for dinner to announce that we were having a boy to the whole family. My father became ill that night and went into the hospital ( he was not sick before this so it was a big shock). Three months later on my anniversary he passed away. Two months later our son was born. It has been a year since my fathers passing, and it has been a hard year. The old saying is true time heals all wounds. The only thing to do is keep marching through each day, enjoying your new baby and making your mother proud. It's hard not having my dad around to hold and love my little guy, but I know that he is watching over all of us and is seeing everything that my little one is doing.

D.
I lost my mom many years ago and to this day I still miss her. My son was 3 and when I took him to her wake he swears that Nannie opened her eye and looked at him. He is 25 and still swears to it. There is a book called "Feathers brush my heart" it is a book about women who have lost their moms but somehow the moms through spirtual ways contact them. It will blow your mind. As far as your little one...make an album of her Nana/Grandma and let her know her that way. Good luck and god bless.

Christine
____@____.com

Hi D.,

I lost my mom to kidney failure three years before I gave birth to stillborn twin baby girls, and five years before the blessed arrival of my son, Matthew (now almost 2). She would have been such a source of strength and comfort for me during my loss, and would have so loved sharing in Matthew's arrival! Anyone who's endured that loss will tell you that it WILL get easier (I promise you), but unfortunately, the loss is still so new to you and you're in the beginning stages of grieving, so it's going to be hard for you to believe that. Just trust that it will, and be patient with yourself as you grieve, and enjoy your baby girl. Some days will be easier than others, and with time, it won't hurt so much. I'm one who truly believes that your mom IS with you still, and WILL see your baby girl grow up, though her physical presence won't be apparent. I'll be thinking and praying for you as you heal.

hi D.

My kids are teenagers, so my story is different in some ways.
My mom died last year, she lived with us and was my best friend and another parent to my kids. I was so depressed and lost aftre she died. My kids missed her so much! At first
it was so hard to make it through a day without her by our sides. Every event or holiday was painful. I prayed alot
and cried alot. Time does heal, I miss her every day but
I beleive she is seeing my children and their milestones.
I talk to her in my mind, it has gotten easier recently.
I did not beleive anyone who told me it will get easier,
but it has gotten less painful. I still miss her as do my kids
but we have survived a year without her. The pain is less intense and I cry alot less.
Enjoy your baby, cause you turn around and they are teenagers.

Oh, my poor friend. I am crying with you. I have three very beloved people who I have lost and who I miss regularly even though they have been gone for years: My father, my grandmother and a mother figure. I have to tell you something... I am not really a religious person, I did not grow up with any concept of heaven or an afterlife, nor am I into voodoo or any other type of alternative spiritual practice, but I must assure you of something. They are watching and their love never goes away. I have had some very real and powerful messages from them. Each came in a different way. One in a voice, and two in dreams. They each assured me that they were as close as thought, and although I am so sad that I can't touch them, they assure me gently that they are near and seeing and loving. Just listen for your mom. She may be telling you she's close. It may be too soon to hear her, but keep listening. Her love can never stop. It is infinite, as is her joy in her beautiful grandchild. I know this for truth, my friend. I wouldn't have beleived it before, but I do now. Trust. She'll come to you. Her comfort is close.

Love to you.