Iwhy Are 2Nd and 3Rd Baby Showers So Taboo? ETA

I wouldn't go to a shower for a mother who was having her second or subsequent child. If you don't bring a gift, people look down on you. If you want to do it to celebrate the baby...then wait until the baby is here and have a meet the baby party.

Just my $.02

I gave almost everything away after kid number two. I'm pregnant with three, and there is no way I'd have another shower. It's tacky to ask others for gifts, and that is what showers are. Historically they are meant to help a new couple out and to shower a new mother with wisdom. You aren't a new mother.

Have a meet and greet party after the baby is born, but don't' expect others to buy you things. That's why it's taboo. It's tacky.

IMO, it's taboo because most showers are only about gifts and a few games to fill the time. If you want people to come visit with you, then don't call it a baby shower (since you don't expect them to "shower" you with gifts). This is coming from someone who only had a bridal shower and a baby shower because I was told I had to have one. I'm just not into any "celebration" that revolves around gifts... Even my six-year-olds have learned that they don't get squat at their birthday parties, because we collect for the food bank instead...

A shower is, by definition, an event where people bring GIFTS. If there are no gifts involved, it's NOT a shower. People can't re-define events in their own heads and expect the world to get your intent. A shower says "let's give so-and-so things she needs/they need (for their home, for their baby)." Where I live, they are only done for first babies and sometimes later babies under certain circumstances (kids far apart, twins etc.). It is NOT a celebration of the baby, who isn't even born yet.

If you want to celebrate the birth of each child, YOU host an event after the baby is born. You don't have a shower thrown ahead of time for this purpose. In my family this is accomplished with a party following the baptism (which the parents host) but other families who don't do a religious ceremony might host a little party after they have been home for a few weeks.

I'm sorry that you're feeling slighted by this, but whoever is offering to host these for you isn't understanding that in your circle, apparently people hold a traditional view of what a shower is and probably don't see the need for one for every baby.

Showers use to be events that would outfit a mother with equipment she would need for infant/child care.
It was understood and expected that she would save the stuff and use it for subsequent children until she was finished with child bearing.
Heirloom cradles and such were put into the attic until the next generation needed it.
It wasn't specifically about celebrating the child so much as it was celebrating woman becoming a mother for the first time.
Our 'use it once and throw it out' society has gotten away from being as frugal as it use to be, but the economy is forcing things to swing back again.
People can't afford to be gifting everyone over everything as much anymore.
This 'celebrating every child' attitude often IS a gift grab, and not everyone buys into it.

Congratulations on your baby!
I disagree, however, on the opinion that "every baby should be celebrated". I guess my point of view largely has to do with where I live; families tend to be on the large side here. My mom has 5 siblings, who each had between 5 and 8 children each, and those kids- my cousins- all have between 3-6 children at this point. We are a close, supportive family and do our best to attend a shower for everyone's first baby. Do the math and you can see why it would be ridiculous for any of us to expect a baby shower for every one of our babies rather than just the first one. Even if we didn't do gifts, at the rate that we have babies around here, it would be way to many celebrations to attend!
Around here, I think most people hang on to their baby stuff and really do not need another shower. If it is someone I am especially close to, I might get them a small gift, but it does come across as greedy to me when another shower is thrown, because the whole point of a shower is "to be showered in gifts", so it feels like requesting gifts. And truly, I think if someone is choosing to have another baby, it is nobody else's responsibility to help them out by buying diapers and formula, so I really dislike the whole diaper and formula showers.
Sorry to sound like a fun hater! I am sure not everyone feels the same way I do, and I do hope your party turns out well.

I think every child should be celebrated. HOWEVER, it is NOT my job to supply each and every friend and family member who has a baby with all their baby things for every child they have.

If you want a get-together to celebrate your child, call it something else other than a shower. A shower is specifically to "shower" the new mother (or bride-to be) with gifts. It's sole purpose is to give gifts. That is why it's taboo. It's considered rude to be greedy, and I think that it SHOULD be that way!

If your friends or family want to buy you a gift for your child, then they will find a way and a reason to do it.

I just don't understand the attitudes I hear. People are so self-centered! They want every little thing that happens to be celebrated, they want gifts, they want parties--and multiple ones at that. If they don't get it, they feel rejected and depressed.

If your friends and family love you, you should be content to feel the love. You should not need parties or gifts to feel acknowledged. If your friends are avoiding you--then either look and see what you might be doing wrong, or get new friends.

Showers are so everyone can help a first time mom get everything she needs, which is a lot of stuff, for the new baby. With a second or third child, you should already have most of the things you need. You could try having a 'sprinkle' or a brunch, or even a meet the baby party after baby comes. I personally think its tacky to have a shower when its not your first baby. I dont mean that to be insulting to you at all, its just my personal opinion.

I agree with Julie G. It's totally tacky to have baby showers after your first. We got rid of all of our stuff after our second. When we found ourselves pregnant again, guess what? We went out and bought all of the stuff ourselves. Why did we do this? Because it was our child, and our responsibility!

Frankly, after the no-show last time, I wonder why you'd let your sister throw you another one. I'd cancel it.

every baby should have a party. I look at them like a 'welcome to the world' party, and just because someone has had a kid does not mean they have everything they need. Heck, the 'rules' are always changing and what might have been fine 2 years ago, is probably out dated now.

I hate to hear people say it's greedy to expect a present for multiple babies. Do we not give children presents every year for their b-day's? no one ever says only the oldest get's a party cause they others should get's his or her hand me downs. Bleh...hog wash in my book!

to clarify, when I say expect I mean as a social norm. Not that people are required to bring a gift.

I never thought of it as taboo. I do however think it is in extremely poor taste when a mom is having a shower for her second + baby thrown for her and she wants to tell the guest that they should buy her a gift card or diapers since she already has everything. (I have seen that question asked on this site many times).

I'm sorry that you feel bummed, but perhaps if you have a fourth you can send out an invite for a nice gathering and make it clear it is just that and no gifts are needed or requested. That way, people come to actually celebrate without losing the meaning as they complain about buying and giving a gift. They can bring one if they want and come without one without feeling awkward.
Do you register each time?

I had my second child five years after the first and opted not to have a shower. We re-beought every single thing ourselves. When someone in my family mentioned having one because of the age difference and sex difference, i said no, and they all collectively said thank goodness. It's funny, you often don't know how people feel until you side with them :). They were all very kind with after baby gifts, yet that was on their own terms and time. I think a second and more so third shower is a tough pill for some to swallow. It's hard to say not to take it personally, but perhaps just another way around it can occur as to avoid that.

Best of luck with the baby.

Well IMO people shouldn't need that much for a 2nd or 3rd baby, and asking someone to bring gifts 3 times is kinda greedy. You say that if you don't want to buy and gift then don't, but how would you feel if a friend of yours showed up empty handed? I'm sure you would probably have some ill feelings. How would you feel if you had a friend, that moved 3 times, and invited you to a housewarming party, 3 times? Would you get to feeling that this is too much? I'm not trying to rain on your parade, just trying to get you to see that maybe 3 times is too much for some. I understand family, and maybe church doing it, but to expect your friends is a little much.

Every baby should be celebrated! Close friends should help organize a shower to recognize the birth of a new child. After all, what are you going to put in their baby book?? Instead of just being a shower, how about a luncheon to recognize the mom on the birth of #2 or #3. in that way it is kind of a social event for friends, not just a gift required event. The gift list should be small, since you probably have most of the things you need, but put the focus on sharing the upcoming birth with close friends and family!

Maybe you should have a casual bbq after the baby is born, to "welcome" him, and specify that you don't want gifts. In most people's worlds, "baby shower" means that a gift is required in order to "shower" the new mom/baby with gifts. A 3rd one can come across as greedy, even if that's not the intent. "This is your 3rd kid, what do you really need?", is probably what people are thinking Maybe people don't want to feel obligated to buy another gift because of the above reasons. I am sorry you are upset, but this is just how it is.

It's too bad that your third shower is already planned as a "baby shower" and the invitations have gone out as such, because you missed the opportunity to have it after the baby comes; to call it anything other than a "shower"; and therefore to make it easier on guests to feel OK about not bringing a gift.

A shower by definition is supposed to "shower" the family with gifts. No matter how much you feel it's not about the gifts, or how often you tell people "You don't have to bring a gift," most people attending an event labeled a "baby shower" or a "bridal shower" are conditioned to feel that shower equals gift-giving. You can have the best intentions in the world of just having a nice, gift-free party but if the word shower is attached to it, guests will still feel -- whatever you say! -- that a gift is something they should bring. If the invitees to this third shower are mostly the same people who were at showers one or two, they frankly may feel that it's not as high a priority for them this time around. That is NOT to say that you or the baby aren't priorities for them, but only that they look on the event as less of a priority than the first time around.

I am not nearly as offended as some about subsequent baby showers. I would not be horribly shocked to get an invitation to one. No matter what, you ALWAYS need stuff for a new baby, even if only diapers, wipes, and clothes. I had my son first and kept everything that I could reuse. Two years later my daughter was born and we reused everything possible. Face it, babies spit up and poop and ruin clothes all of the time. The reality is that you need more stuff for each baby. I found that many people did not acknowledge my daughter as they did my son. We obviously bought most of the things for our daughter. If someone gave a gift, then we were grateful. If not...oh well.

I wouldn't want anyone to show up at a 2nd shower for me if all they were going to do was snub their noses at the very horror of having such event. If it offended someone that badly, then I would rather someone stay home.

I always get gifts for subsequent babies, but that is my choice. I just tailor my gift giving to stuff that I know she will need for any baby.

Yep. The social norm is that it comes across greedy.

I also think every baby should be celebrated. I love the new trend of "Sprinkles." It is the same concept of a party for baby, but items are usually not big items, but more for diapers, wipes, and outfits. It comes across as less greedy, but still fun. And usually less formal as the shower.....(think less games, etc.).

I had depression in my last trimester of my 2nd pregnancy and I really felt no one cared about my 2nd baby, part of the depression more than anything, but it would have helped me mentally had there been some sort of party.

So since then, I try to host a Sprinkle for any of my friends who have a 2nd, 3rd, etc. baby.....if they are willing. :) I really think attendance is better if there is less stress on a formal "shower" and it is presented as a fun, informal party to celebrate the baby.

Congrats! And have fun....no matter the turn out.

Truthfully, no one is going to come to a shower without a gift. Some people just don't go to showers after the first one. I think there are two reasons: first, that the excitement is all about the first baby - a real milestone. After that, it's not the same. The second reason, I think, is because some people think it's a greedy thing, wanting a second shower.

My opinion? I think showers are wonderful and I don't have a problem with multiple showers. I would get a baby present for a second or third baby ANYWAY, and a party to attend is a great way to get to give it. But not everyone is like me.

I guess, if you just really wanted to have friends over and don't worry about gifts, then you call it something else. Maybe some of the other ladies know a better name.

Congrats on the upcoming birth!

Dawn

The reason no one has come or responded to the showers is that they just think you are greedy and just out for the gifts.

It may not be the truth like you put it, it's to celebrate the baby being born but a shower's purpose is to give gifts to the mom for the baby. It's not a get together to celebrate the baby, it's to get gifts. Perhaps that's why you're not understanding the non interest. Everyone else has different ideals about a baby shower.

I co-hosted a baby shower for a friend who's husband worked at Walmart of all places, they had 4 or 5 little boys and she was determined to have her little girl. This family had moved to Oklahoma a couple of years before. So they had not had their previous children here. She found out her baby was going to be a girl. We decided to throw her a shower due to her being basically very low income and she had absolutely nothing for a girl. Also, everything she had was so worn out from being handed down from boy to boy that she could truthfully use anything she got.

We invited every woman from church. She handed the invitations out personally. We know every one got one. Only 1 person showed up. We were told to our faces that we were helping her to be dependent and that if she had planned this pregnancy she should have been prepared to have the baby. We were told it was rude to even invite these ladies because baby showers were for 1st time moms. Someone even told me she should have gone to the Salvation Army to get her needed things because if she didn't have what she needed for the baby before getting pregnant she didn't deserve new things.

I was flabbergasted. This woman was a sister in good standing in the church and was a good SAHM. She took excellent care of her home and volunteered in every way she could. She was a really nice person too. I was really glad when her hubby got a promotion to assistant manager and they moved to another state. How horrible this must have been for her. She had her girl and people did give her hand me downs and she did get some new items while she was in the hospital but she never got the gifts I expected our sisters at church to give her.

This whole experience showed me a side to these women I had never seen and would have doubted it actually happened like this if I had not seen it myself. It taught me a lot though. Even if a person is poor and has nothing for a coming baby, if they have other children they are not going to get gifts for their new ones at any kind of a shower.

It has adjusted my way of thinking. The fact is that people believe that baby showers are only for first time moms. That is nothing that is going to change. If you have more showers you find that less and less people come and it becomes an embarrassment. A person who decides to get pregnant after their first child should have most everything they need. They don't need new bottles, they should still have their baby furniture, highchairs, strollers, and any other item that is non gender. They should also still have all their baby clothes. If the baby is a different gender then the only thing they should need is a few clothing items that are gender specific and they should be responsible for getting those themselves.

Shocking isn't it.

I always thought baby showers were for celebrating a baby was coming too. I was wrong so I had to change my way of thinking.

I do often bring a gift to the hospital with me when we go see the baby for the first time but I have never been invited to a baby shower, for about 20 years, that was not for a first baby only.

Sorry you are finding this out the hard way like my friend did. They are just not going to come and they do think you must be really low class to even be having a baby shower for this baby. Sad I know, it just breaks my heart.

An invitation to a shower, wedding, MLM/Direct Sales party is an invoice. The invited guest has an unspoken "rule" to bring a gift and/or buy something.

I know plenty of moms around here with 3 children and there was 1 shower held for the first baby.

I realize you can say gifts are not "necessary" but in essence... yes they are when you send the invite.

Why not have meet the baby luncheon or some type of drop in where YOU are prodiving something for the guests who choose to drop in and would probably bring you a gift.

Personally, I opted for no wedding or baby shower because I feel like it is just asking for gifts. It is my responsibility to cover my finances myself.

I had two successful baby showers. One for my first and one for my 4th, I had 3 boys then a girl. It was mostly family and a few friends, both had under 15 people there. It just wasn't a big deal, but I didn't think it was cool to have one for my 2nd or 3rd.

Cancel it and have a Meet the Baby after the birth. Treat yourself to a movie instead and hire a babysitter for the afternoon/evening if you can. You are about to enter a world of chaos, the 3rd one is a tough adjustment. Do everything you can to take care of YOU now.

A shower - by it's very name - means giving gifts - you are showering someone with presents - pure and simple. And, so it just isn't appropriate to continue to expect friends to come and keep showering you with gifts every time you get pregnant after they have done so previously. It is after all your responsibility to outfit and provide for your child or children.

I had a 'meet the baby' party AFTER my son was born instead of the traditional baby shower. I wanted it to be co-ed instead of the typical girly thing. With the baby already there a lot more people wanted to come because it meant getting to meet the baby. I plan to do the same with my next children. If you have another unexpected baby after this one (Take a deep breath, chances are slim that it will happen again. Right?) maybe try that approach :)

Well, I think it's because traditionally the word "shower" means to shower the NEW mother to be (or bride) with all the things she needs.
When I had my second and third my sister, aunt and closest friends wanted to celebrate, so they hosted a dinner for me each time, and of COURSE they brought gifts, but it was just us, less than ten friends and family members, no official invitations, favors or anything else, certainly no gift registry, just a nice time together out to dinner to celebrate the upcoming addition.
I am sorry no one is coming, that must hurt. I think this is a good time to think about who your true friends are, and as far as the rest goes? If they can't be bothered, then good riddance!

My baby shower (eons ago) was small. Partly, because I just wasn't in the mood for a big thing beign soooo big. But less people than I though would come, came. And this was my first. Anyway, I also opted for a Come-meet-the-baby party once I felt up to it. Much more fun and everyone loved holding her. It dwas way nicer than the shower. Just a thought.
A.

It comes across as greedy. I think it makes more sense to have a "greet the baby" shower after the baby is born. The only exceptions I've seen is if you're next baby is years later and you got rid of all the stuff, or you're having a girl when before you had a boy or vice versa. My sister is having a baby shower this weekend for her 2nd and I don't even want to go. She refuses to find out if it's a boy or girl and is pretty much just in it for the attention and gifts.

The first baby shower is to help the mom and dad get their home set up for the new arrival (that's why it is done BEFORE the baby is born)... and to celebrate the baby.

Yes, you can celebrate subsequent babies, but if you want to do so, invite close friends and family to visit after the baby is born. Those people will want to bring you gifts anyway, and then they can see the baby, and your other child/children.

I think that's why people get miffed about second and third (and fourth) showers. You technically should have all the stuff you need (or you should be able to provide for yourself at this point, since you know what it takes). And you already have kids so the excitement of the first is gone for everybody else, even if it isn't for you.

But I see nothing wrong with you hosting a "visit with the baby" party after the baby is born. People love to see new babies, and perhaps they would bring a small gift. It's hard for people who have lots of friends who are in the baby stage of life to continue to go to showers and buy gift after gift. Your shower isn't the only one they get invited to, probably.

My second was born 6 weeks before my first son's birthday, so we had a joint birthday/baby welcome party. It worked out perfectly! 2-3 close friends brought small gifts for the baby, but no one felt obligated. Most people who came brought a big brother/bday gift for my older child, but not everyone. It was at a local park with a bunch of games for the kids, a picnic table buffet, very casual- people came and went as they pleased.

I do think that every baby deserves a celebration. Yes, it is for the mom too...why would that be a bad thing?? Like being pregnant is easier the second or third time with little ones running around??? Who deserves a little party more than a woman who is sacrificing her body to make a whole new person, no matter whether she has done it before or not???
Registering for a second baby is tacky, but a party, either before baby with some indication that any gifts should be small "necessities" or after to meet the baby, is lovely.

i agree with a "meet the baby" party. YOU throw the party, at YOUR home, and YOU provide food, drinks, or refreshments. then your intentions are clear - that YOU want to celebrate the birth of your child. (honestly, i'd just do a family thing, and then there'd be no need for formal invitations - but if you wanted to do a bigger thing, i would even put on the invitation, "gifts aren't necessary".)

PS, i think CheerfulM hit it right on the head. read her response again. you're an adult now, so people think it should be your responsibility.

I don't know why they are so taboo. We had a girl first. Then we had a boy. We used what we could for our son, but there were also a lot of new things out that we wanted and we needed some boy things. We thought we were done, and our son had beaten some things down (the swing would never work again, the highchair was not worth keeping, etc). Six years later we had a third and it was like starting over. So it wasn't like we could have used things again, and I wasn't searching for gifts. Unfortunately most of the people I know do not support more than one shower and I knew it would be an embarrassing turn out, but my SIL insisted on throwing one for baby #2 and I suffered through it. For the third, I really didn't want to go through it again so they did a very small family lunch because my now 8 yr old daughter really wanted a celebration. Maybe those that rsvpd yes could just go out to lunch with you?

It depends on the area in which you live, I think. It also depends on how much time between kids, genders and what the family needs or has. Some of my friends had a "baby welcome" party for the new one that wasn't really a shower like a first baby shower, but we brought things for the new kid. So if you think that would go over better, change the theme and be more laid back. Let it be about your excitement vs the traditional shower. Maybe make it a pampering party.

ETA

Since it is a shower and since you are nervous, talk to your sister about your concerns. Let her call the guests and figure out what to do if there is a lower turnout. She can use some of the pampering ideas anyway.

I'll throw out another possibility(for the record, I have one child and have been to many 2nd and 3rd showers, and was happy to go and buy a gift), if this is your 3rd, a lot of the other invites may have multiple children and their schedules are busier now. Even with one, I have had to turn down birthday parties because of all the sports activities that my daughter is part of. Her team needs her, so she won't skip games.

What I have done for other "gift" parties, is to add in the invitations, "no gifts please".

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At work,for my first, they threw a big office shower. I got pregnant again within the year and to thank them, I threw a reverse baby shower where I (and two other girls having their second) threw the office a party to thank them for all they did.

If you gave everything away, maybe some of those people will return the favor and give you some things. If you sold it on consignment, well-not so much.

I am sure close friends and family would give your family something after the birth-I know my close friends did. A little outfit or diapers or just a visit. A shower feels mandatory and alot of people aren't thrilled to go to them over and over for the same person-and a shower is for you-not the baby. He/she isn't even there officially yet and won't your real friends and family come to meet him/her after the birth.

it's not a taboo necessarily, it's just 'bad etiquette.' sending an invite to a baby shower, does automatically mean 'bring a gift.' i hear what you are saying but if you wanted people to come the invite should have not mentioned it being a baby shower, but more a girls' get together. that way people would have not felt obliged to show up with a gift, some would still but those who don't way to wouldn't have to.
i understand about giving everything away after having the second one, but that is hardly someone else's problem. everyone has money issues, and even spending unplanned 10 bucks get be a stretch for some.

I don't think they're taboo and I don't think anyone's greedy for having 2nd and 3rd ones, especially if the kids are far apart in age. I plan to have one if we have a 3rd and if it's a boy because it will be my first boy. But honestly even if it was a girl I'm sure one of my family members would still put something together. I agree with you it's about celebrating the new baby also not just to receive gifts.
I don't get why anyone would be that rude to not show up just because it's your second or third. I mean they're still receiving lunch/drinks/dessert right? The same effort and time and money gets put into it. Same thing as any other celebration you'd bring a gift to.
Some people are also just procrastinators when it comes to RSVPing. Or they like to wait til the last minute to see if something else comes up. Those people irritate me too. Maybe have your sister make a friendly reminder call to them. I hope your shower turns out great, congratulations!

As some of the other posters have mentioned, as shower is, by definition a party where the guest of honor is "showered" with gifts. Traditionally you get one when you get married and one with your first baby. After that you are on your own as far as receiving presents goes. Second or third babies, or marriages, for that matter, can certainly still be celebrated, but showers are not given.

If you want to celebrate the birth of you child, host an open house or bbq to let people meet him/her, but not a shower.

Usually for babies that come after the first you can have a get together after the baby is born. My four were a year apart. Yes planned that way. Well the first two (girl n then boy) got the cards and gifts. By the time the third and fourth showed up no one seemed real interested. Sad but true. It was like oh, again!!! Congrats. P.S. sent invites to family for fourth Baptism, no one was coming. So we invited all our friends and had a very nice day. It is what it is!

I'm not sure! If someone in my family (or friends) asked and wanted to give me a baby shower, what is so taboo about that? I really don't get it!! My son is 3, and he is an only. If we somehow got pregnant through my husband's vasectomy, you bet I would have a shower. We gave away every single baby item we have! i can't think of a single person in my life, who would consider that taboo.

As far as your shower, there are a lot of people who just don't like showers. Also, if they are busy and have to pick and choose what they can attend...a second or third shower, probably won't be what they go for. Not that it's taboo, but it doesn't seem as high of a priority. (Possibly, I'm just guessing.)

I had 5 babies never had a baby shower