Is My Marriage in Trouble?

Counseling and time.

I don't know where he was deployed to, but it doesn't matter, he missed 16 months of his kids growing up, you growing up. He comes back and thinks everything will be the way he left it and it's not, it's not a self centered thought, he just remembers the way things were...so do you!You remember how he was when he left and expect him to be the same. Remember all the things you had to do while he was gone? The rules that had to grow with the kids getting older? He doesn't know those rules! Nor did he have a say in the making of them. It's a hard and confusing time for all of you.

Have a heart to heart with him, take him on a date and just enjoy being together, even if it's just a picnic in the park to watch the stars. Talk...and listen.

Counseling is a must for his little girl...and you, even if he doesn't want to go.

Yes, counciling is the path you should consider right now. Be as loving and a careing to him and the children as possible. Keep in mind that if you try and talk about the children and their problems right now he is in a state of mind where he will take it personally. Sorry, but thats the way it is. That's why you need a third party to help you with this. Also, keep in mind what he has been through. War is hell! Hang in there it is worth it to be together. Weather the storm. Try giving him back rubs at night before you go to sleep. Stay close.

Dear C.,
God bless you and your family. You have all been tried immensely and the stress of a normal family can be unmanageable at times and with what yours has been through, how could you all not be stressed? My husband is in Iraq as a contractor serving the military and it will be a year Aug. 1 and this is with 2 wk visits every 4 mos. I have found this year to be the toughest of my 24 yr marriage. I have 2 girls, 20 and 15. We've all had many adjustments to make. The key to any marriage is communication and the desire to live out your vows if that is what you both believe is a priority. My father-in-law gave us this piece of advice when we were married, "When the stress of marriage causes you to bend, make sure that you bend toward one another". This has been something that has kept us grounded and focused. I would recommend that you and your husband and family seek counseling and pray hard, individually and together, to discern if this union is to be blessed and continue. I have only the good Lord to thank for getting us through our tough times and He is my rock and salvation. You, and your relationship with God and your husband can only be the decision makers in this situation, but counseling would give you all a more objective perspective and hopefully help you all with your communication skills to discern what is best for all of you. You will be in my prayers. God bless you all. G. B

Honey, welcome to military life. You have got to make the choice to stick it out or not. Hanging on to doubts is dangerous for any marriage. Your husband was deployed- to battle? Of coarse he's changed, he's seen things he's instructed not to talk about. You can either resent it or try to make a safe place for him to where he doesn't have to dwell on the memories. Only open the subject up if he is willing, let him know the door to discuss is at his discretion. His thoughts have been with you while he was/is there. But to stay allert, he has to shake back to where he's at. Find a website for military families to talk about all this. You are not the first.
Your step-daughter- misses her daddy and knows no other way to express it. Have you tried taking her on a one on one with you? Let her open up about how she feels, you don't have to have all the answers (know that now). Just be there.
And don't forget to take "me time". Do something for yourself, 1 hour. Hobby, beauty parlor, walk in a park. If you take the time for your self you'll have plenty of you left over.

I'm an Air Force Brat, my mom was very bitter (still is) toward my dad (retired when I was 17,1978). They have a very unhappy marriage! (46 years) She missed him and instead of being creative with her time she bacame angry, then violent towards us... we all have this resentment toward the military. Raised my 4 sons stear away from the recruiter, well, my #3 is now in the Marines! We even threw in a wedding between training and his schooling. She is now missing him furiously, It's only been a month!

Dear C.,

I am so sorry to hear of your trouble. That sounds really hard - I can only imagine the heartache you must be going through. I have no experience in what you are dealing with, but I sincerely believe that almost all marriages can be saved and that those who do what it takes to save them are happier in the end, as are their children. There are so many resources out there that can help you. I do not presume to know what you need or how to solve your problem, I think all situations are so individual, but in case it might help in the slightest, do you like Dr. Laura? She has two really wonderful books that teach things that help empower women in their relationships. They are The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage and The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. I truly hope that you can find your way to happiness in your marriage.

Morning C.;

Do not get hasty! First, your husband has been thru some
real difficulties, seeing people killed for what seems no
reason>>that is hard to get over!
11 year age difference isn't anything! I have a friend that
has been married for 40 years and there is a 30 year age
difference. It's up to YOU to make it work!
You and YOU alone can make this a happy marriage! Sure he
is probably inderferant to your needs, but, when you are
in Germany that can change!
Show him all the love that he was seeking when he married
you! Your daughter is a result of that love, so have fun
trying to make another!
Best Wishes,
B. C

Why do you ask yourself about divorce? Divorce is never the answer unless there is adultry problems. Go and love your husband and your family and stop thinking about leaving or you will leave one day because you talked yourself into it. You also look for things to be wrong. Just love him--military wifes have it hard and so do the guys. Yes they change--so would you if you saw what they did. BE PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN--and stand by your MAN> He fights for MY freedom and he needs you and needs to know you are there for him.

Stay together as much as possible would be my advice - yes for the sake of the children and for yourself. You might be going through some things now - your husband just went through a lot of things too. Don't leave just because you're unhappy. Some things are just more important. You hang in there. Do your best to make your husband happy. Your daughter will thank you later on. Your marriage should improve over time - if you're truly concentrating on making him happy. He should respond to you eventually - sooner rather than later. Don't give up just yet. Have no regrets. You don't want to look back and say I think I left him too soon. Even if it a couple of years - it will most likely be worth the effort and bit of unhappiness. People leave marriages all the time because they're unhappy. Don't seek your happiness in your marriage or in your man. Make it work - and seek joy elsewhere. People will let you down no matter what. Don't give up just because it's hard. Our society is hurting because of our unwillingness to suffer even for a little bit. Stay strong and pray hard.

S. - one who has contemplated divorce as well.

Hello I am a former Military Brat, my father was in the air force until I was 18. It is hard when they are gone I always wanted to stay away from military men cause of how hard it is with them always being gone....well i got married at 23 and after we had our first son my husband decided to join the air force. It is hard and when they are gone for long periods at a time its like starting all over each and everytime they come home. You have to remember he is going through a hard time too on what he has to see and the fact that he has to leave his family behind...there is a lot of fear, anxiety that they go through...Please don't give up so soon. If you love him then you need to stick it out..let him know that you are there for him and his daughter. Remember kids suffer the most, it is hard for her to have her daddy leave and her not know if he will be coming back, most children act differently when daddy is gone. Get to know other military spouses one thing I know about the military that you don't get any where else is SUPPORT...everyone is in the same boat and understands what you are going through. It's funny cause we can always tell which families spouse is deployed cause of the way the children act out. We are now out of the air force and I sometimes wish we were still in cause you really miss the support you get from other military spouses. I strongly encourage you to get active within the military community it will help make things easier and you will get lots of advice on how to help your husband when he returns and how to help get things back on track with your relationship. Also, try and help and understand your step daughter it is touch for her to, try and talk to her and see what her fears are. I wish you the best for you and your family. If you need anything please let me know I will help you with whatever I can. Even if it's just someone to vent to. Good luck and hang in there it will get better.

Hey I am a stepmother first time mom and my husband just got out of the navy.We had problems at first but the most important thing is communication.You need to talk to your spouse and let him know how you feel.the grass is not always greener on the single side I have lots of friends in your situation who left and are having a hard time being a single mom,plus being deployed is hard they dont tell us what happens over there,but give him a chance.If you would like to talk I am always available I also know how hard it is to be a step mom. Good luck

C. - you have been given some excellent advise from other people. I hope the two of you will work together to make your marriage work. Divorce is not always the answer but yet at some point it could be. I remember when my ex-husband came home from Vietnam, he was so totally not the person I knew and that war changed him greatly. He had so many demons from his experience and yet I knew I had to be there for him and help him work through them and get back to normal the best we could. We did stay together for 11 years and then divorced due to the drinking he could never overcome which was so sad. I am so glad I stayed with him and even though he had his issues he was a good person and tried hard. We are dear friends to this day and I will never forget all the heartache that we went through together but it was worth it in the long run.

You mentioned step-children and apparently they are living with you. That is very h*** o* them especially with their father deployed and you didn't mention if their mother is involved in their lives, but I am assuming she is not. That is like a rejection coming from both parents even though your husband was deployed. There is also the worry for their father as one appears old enough to somewhat understand.

I seems it was a lot of pressure for you with all of that and then the new baby, but you have to give it your all and give the step-children the attention they need as well. Hang in there and I know it will get better.

If a few years down the road nothing is better and you two still feel divorce is the answer then so be it, but at least you can say you did your all. But think of the children. If you two divorced those step-children are going through loosing someone all over again.

Good Luck to you and I know things will get better.

C.,
My first question is how long ago did he come home? He is dealing with a lot right now himself. I had a simular situation when I was in. I was deployed to Kuwait and found out on the plane ride home that I came down on orders for Korea. I was mortified. It turned out to be great though. I met my husband there. I am an army wife now and got out of the army in 2005. When my husband came home from his first deployment from Iraq he was a differnt man as well. It took a few months for things to settle down agian. Like you, I was afraid to leave the kids with him because he didn't know how to deal with them anymore. He had absoutly no patience when it came to them. I had to step in a lot and that caused some conflict. We worked our way through it and he did go to counseling and it did help him. My suggestion is to spend some time getting to know each other again. Take a walk down memory lane to help rekindle the love and passion you have for one another. Believe it or not Germany is probably a blessing in disguise. It is a new place where you can restart your lives together. There are a lot of places to go see and things to do as a family. It can help to create new memories and help you grow back together as a family. I know deployments are hard. My husband is gone again on his second tour and he got the long one too. We don't have as much communication this time around either which makes it harder. My advice to you would be cherish the times you guys have as a family. You can get past this point and find the man you fell in love with again. It is just going to take a little time to readjust to being together again. There are times when being a military wife sucks! We have to stay strong and be the glue that holds our families together. Good Luck! If you need to talk you can e-mail me at ____@____.com. I have been where you are now.

I have no first hand "been there done that" experiences to share. So I will u my gut feeling. Your dh is a different person....he probably saw alot of S@!t whle deployed that he doesn't want to share with you. So it making him feel more distant. I would immediatly get some family counseling. Call family sevices on you base becaseu it is importatnt to get a therapist that understands your dh feelings of distance and your fear of going overseas. Oh I do have some been there done that after all. I lived in Europe 2 times several years at a time (civilian contracts). You can really enjoy the time in Europe if you want to you can see things other people only dream of and meet some really great people.

your marriage is not over I am sure you are not alone.......military life is really h*** o* a family.

Debra

Your marriage needs work but that does not mean it cannot get back on track. I suggest using the counseling available through the military and consider making a committment to work on the relationship. This will best serve everyone especially your daughter. If after the work you agree it is not going to work you can at least be good co-parents. You can begin by telling your daughter how you fell in love.

HI C.,,
i'm not going to tell you if it is or iasnt in trouble but i can tell you WAR CHANGES people in many differnt ways ,,step back and give him sometime,,and why do you think you will lose your daughter to him??? no where is it writen that you will so keep the faith and give support he has been through something that you cant even dream of going through
good luck L.

Have you talked to him about what he might have experienced while deployed that might be contributing to his change? Perhaps he needs to work through some things that he saw or did. My thought is maybe your husband doesn't need you to give up on him or your marriage right now. If you haven't tried marriage counseling, I would strongly suggest that before you just walk away.

RE: your daughter, I understand your concerns, but just because two people have different parenting styles doesn't mean one is more right than the other. As human beings we tend to think that our way is always the best way, but that isn't necessarily true.

Wow, that's a lot on a plate. No one ever said military life was easy. With so much on your plate, imagine everyone else in the house has just as much on theirs also.
When my hubby got back from Iraq we had some issues...but I have a secret weapon not many others have, I have had PTSD for years now from my job in the past. I know what it is like inside...and the biggest thing is that with him, and his mind set, I know it is "not me" we talk openly and honestly...and honest is not always nice but it helps..
Maybe knowing some of my hubby's feelings will help you see where your hubby's are coming from.
1. He missed SOOO much of all our lives and he feels guilty for missing it. He wants to make up for it but knows he can't.
2. He went from working like a dog EVERY DAY to nothing...well it seems like nothing here in the states, My hubby says he feels useless over here...
I had done such a good job with the house kids etc... while he was gone he felt like he wasn't needed. (OOOPS on my part)
And he felt as thought he was apart of "something" over there, but not anything here.
3. he wants to go back because the job was not done...but feels guilty for wanting to leave us again for another deployment.
I had to keep a lot of things together, and sometimes felt guilty for feeling selfish at times, because I wanted MORE. More of anything.
I don't believe in divorce, my mother was married and divorced 5 times when I was growing up. I believe God wants us to work through the hard times so we can truly enjoy the good times. I believe that the harder things are to get through, the better more appreciative and blessed the good times will be. Marriage is always worth working on, no one ever said it was easy. It takes hard work, and lots of time.
When times are difficult I picture in my mind 50 years from now imagine seeing us sitting in our rocking chairs on the front porch watching our grandchildren playing and how wonderful life will be. And then Sit back and start my plan on how to get through whatever it is we are going through. I know in my heart it will all be worth it in the end. I also keep in mind that our kids will grow up and move on, and me and my hubby will be all on our own, and i know I don't want us to be strangers when that day comes. So I try to keep things together...as in what he likes and what I like, as it always changes.
I never live a day with out telling him how much I truly Honor him and us, and our life together.
It is amazing how one word can be so much...honor...we say it, our soldiers recite it...but try to live it...honor, what a blessed word. The dictionary has it listed as,
(Noun): Esteem, Respect, Glory, Distinction. It is everything we want our marriage to be in one word.
I hope I helped and hope you feel encouraged with all the responses you have been given.
I have a saying as an Army wife that fits almost any situation." Suck it up and Drive on", please don't take that to be meant as a harsh statement I say it with love and kindness, and hope you can again laugh and enjoy what god has given you.
Good Luck and let us all know you are doing well, and good luck in Gremany...

sounds like you and your step-daughter both need some individual counseling with someone at the military hospital trained in such areas as deployment and military life! if your husband was in some traumatic situations, he might need some post-deployment counseling of his own and you both might need some marriage counseling. military life is rough...deployments are worse. especially when they come soon after you are married. don't give up just yet! talk to your hubby about how you feel and even if he doesn't want to go to counseling, it will help you tremendously! good luck, from a fellow army wife....

Wow. You have had so much go on for the past two years. It takes a lot of inner strength to hold it all together - you must be very strong.
I also noticed that you have experienced MANY losses - you lost your home town, your last name, the life you were used to, then your husband for 16 months - I know that everyone has suggested counseling for your husband, but you could use some too.
Give your marraige a chance while you and your husband figure out what it means to be a family.
Good luck - you are stronger than you know.
T.

My father was in the Army for 20 years. Here's my take:
Deployment is such an adjustment on a family. Mom takes on new roles and responsibilities and Dad goes through Lord knows what thousands of miles away. Both lives have gone through some changes - 16 months is a long time. Don't expect things to just fall back into the way they were. Oftentimes, we on the homefront have a fantasy about what it'll be like when our loved one comes home and we are disapointed when reality doesn't match the fantasy. Your oldest daughter is experiencing this just as much as you are and she's acting out in anger and frustration. It'll get worse. Just love her.
Go to Germany. Focus on the family. Give each other time to create a new life together. Love him, love the kids, and seek out the help of others on base who can assist you through this transition! Hang in there honey! :) {HUGS}

C.,

Before you start considering divorce, which is a pretty drastic move/option, consider you have just gone through some pretty emotional, and physical changes! You got married, to a man was deployed, which left you on your own to cope with step children! I don't know what your relationship is like with the children, that is a lot of responsibility!
They are both at an age where they are indendent enough to take care of very basic needs, however they are still needing you for a lot! You then went through a pregnancy, your first pregnancy solo?? That is tough emotionally and physically, and then you moved??? Not to much stress going on there!!!!

I don't know you husband, him coming home to a new life essentially, where you are newy married, already has existing two children from previous relationship, and brand new father to an even younger child!! He probebly feels enormous pressure from a professional and personal standpoint!

I honestly think you both need time to adjust to him coming home, and maybe open up the lines of communication slowly!

Just suggestions!

Good Luck, and God Bless!

Any psychiatrist will tell you ( I know from personal experience) that you don't stay in a marriage for the kids. The kids see more than you know, and it is not good for them to see so much contention.

I divorced when our daughter was only eight. I raised her by my self and she was a straight A student for four years in college.

It won't be easy, but I surely slept better at night.

Good luck. You deserve better.

you said he just got back from a deployment...my advice COUNSELING

my husband came back from afganistan with PTSD and didnt even know it...his whole attitude was different he was suddenly moody, and angry...i was afraid he would become violent....but now 1 1/2 yrs laters things are wonderful between us. and we have a wonderful baby boy

I would definatly say counseling

Hello. I can honestly say that I understand how you feel. Marriage is a lot of work.When we have jobs we often take bresks when feeling over whelmed, and stressed. The same goes for a marriage. Sometimes we just need a break from each other to realize just what we have. My advice to you would be to seek help froma a marriage councelor, because there may be some issue that need to be handled. Also going to church,praying, and speaking with your pastor may help. Remember that a family that prays togeather, stays togeather. Try writing down all the good points and bad points about your marriage. If the bad out way the good, then let go gracefully. You still need to be abe to remain friends,becaus there are children involved. Staying with someon for convience, and children is the wrong thing to do. When you are unhappy, they will be unhappy. You may just need time appart. Communicate, and once you have tried everything,and it still isn't working; then yoe can leave knowing that you gave it your all. Just remember, there will be alot of bad days, and good ones no matter who you are with. As far as him being different, you have to understand what he has expierenced while on deployment. It will take time for him to readjust. If you do divorce him, take your daughter with you; little girls need their mohers. He can't teach her how to be a woman. K.-27 mother of 4. If you would like someone to talk to, drop me a line or 2 @ ____@____.com

with a military lifestyle he couldn't possibly take care of her. i think he's probably going through something. try counseling. don't just give up. age difference doesn't matter.

Go get settled in Germany. Go get counseling for the oldest girl. She will get in trouble. Sounds like you two need to go on a romantic date, alone. You haven't the chance to even get to know each other yet. Make it a date at least one time a month. Sounds like he and his oldest have issues, she will take it out on you! He is lost on this, and doesn't know how to approach the situation, he will also need to go to counseling sessions with her. You truly love your husband and you sound insecure about his feelings for you. Go on your date, make it special. You are at the 'roll with the flow' stage at this moment. Just go with the tide and maybe all this will settle down after your family gets settled in Germany. By the way, Germany is beautiful. Good luck. I only suggest divorce when violence is involved.

Okay, C., I'm not in your marriage and I'm not in your shoes, but I know that I have had times when I was just tolerating my husband and I know that at times I have thought about leaving, but the truth is that I love him despite the fact that we can make each other pull our hair out. And usually if we take the time and the energy to talk it out. REALLY talk it out, things get better. Marriage is not easy, in every wedding you go to they try to warn the couple but it always seems like a surprise when it happens. But you promised each other that you would try to make it work through hard times and good. IF your husband has been in Iraq or Afghanistan, he has been through a lot! Most come home feeling completely alone and isolated. They don't feel like any one can relate and life does not seem the same at all. He needs you more than ever. Please consider this carefully.
Good Luck
K.

Sweetie, everyone in marriage experiences difficult times. I admit you were bombarded during the first year. But one thing I've learned after 16 years of marriage is to remind yourself of the reason you married him and that you love him. Ask yourself this...Do I love him? And be honest with yourself. Divorce should be the last thing you think of if you truly love him. I've also learned that God doesn't give us more than we can handle in life. If you will ask for God to guide you, He will help you in all aspects of your life. He will help you with your 9 year old's emotional issues. Her dad has been sent away and for a nine year old girl that has to be difficult.

I don't know you but I think you can do this. Just by posting your concern you are acknowledging that you want it to work. Another thing, SAHM's have the NUMBER ONE HARDEST JOB EVER!!! I couldn't do it and my husband was never sent far away. Consider mother's day out programs once or twice a week and get yourself a job or volunteer or just do something that takes you away from it for a few hours a week. I know it's summer and soon the 9 year old will be in school. That will help. Pray about it all! I promise it will help if you believe.

F.

Military life is VERY hard, been there for 23 years (retired now). When he goes away he comes back and feels like things should be the same as when he left. However the kids got older had a fight with the neighbor two weeks before he got home did something that you know he would not like in behavior, etc. You may not have shared these things with him why worry him if not that important. Things will settle down I know. The kids will have their issues with him being gone. Just be sure that they know where he is, let them talk with him when possible, e-mail is great for this. THEY MISS HIM TO. Just remember that this is a very hard life for a family and that you need to work together to keep going.Remember you got married because you loved each other and that is important. One thing that can help is to have your husband spend some one on one time with each child, have them feel special to him and know it. You will also need some one on one, go out to eat to a movie etc. This helps make you both feel better even if you go to a park and just talk with each other. My prayers are with you all, been there and know how hard it is myself. Good luck

You have to remember that all of this happened to him, too, plus the actual experiences he had during his long deployment. I agree with the previous poster, get your family into counseling. Men deal with life changing events differently, in other words, not as well as we do most of the time. The military changes people, so you may just have to fight a little harder to return the harmony to your family. Good luck, and be strong, I have had my fair share of marriage troubles, including the threat of divorce once, we did counseling and worked on a few things and now we are better than ever. Just as an afterthought, you said there was an 11 year age difference, maybe he's pushing you away, afraid that during his absences you might be straying anyway? I'm just grasping at straws on that one, but that is something that could logically go through a man's mind.

It seems like you have had alot going on and never really had a chance to be newlyweds. My advice to you is to try and get to know each other again. Remember what it was that made you fall in love in the first place. I think that within time you guys can get back to where it all started. Remember, the first year is always the hardest--it seems to me that you haven't had a year with him being deployed and all. My husband and I are 12 years apart (I am 29) and we have our ups and downs, but sometimes we need to have "US" time. Get away from the kids, go to dinner, talk, talk, talk... Fall in love all over again. When things get too chaotic we have to stop and regroup. I hope this helps. If you ever need someone to talk to just email me, I am a good listener. ____@____.com

C. B.
www.MoreTime4MyKids.com

C.,
I don't know the whole situation, but I don't believe divorce is the answer. I think you have had a lot of changes in a very short amount of time and I would recommend counseling and open communication. Never say the 'D' word in haste! Marriage in NOT easy! If he is abusive (physically or emotionally) or is having an affair then I would consider a divorce.
I hope this helps. I've been married to my high school sweetheart for 18 years. It's extremely hard at times, but communication is KEY! I pray ALOT and enjoy a relaxing bath or a long quiet walk around the block.
Good Luck! God Bless!
C.
Stampin' Up demonstrator
wife and mother of 3