18 answers

I'm Pregnant and Depressed with a Failing Marriage.

My husband and I were on the verge of divorce when I found out I was pregnant right after Christmas. 4 months prior, I'd had an abortion because our marriage is so paper thin I couldn't handle dropping a kid in on it. My husband is military, we're stationed in Europe. I'm away from family, friends, support, English speaking people and American music. (Never realized how much I took for granted.) My husband and I fight all the time, we've been married for a year and a half, we have major trust issues and he's deploying this summer for a year. He wont even let me go home because he thinks I wont want to come back (he knows I'm not happy here). I'm 16 weeks pregnant because I didnt want to go broke on another abortion. Please, I have no desire for anything, nothing makes me happy anymore, I'm starting to feel the baby move and all it does is gross me out. Please, any advice? How can I get excited about this baby? What to do about my inconsiderate husband who expects the world of me?

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Its hard to say because I get excited when I go to the doctor, maybe its just taking more time for the pregnancy to settle in for me to accept that I no longer have my own life to do as I wish when I want to do it. I have a responsibility for this little 4 inch life break dancing with my ovaries. I look at the pictures and smile, but I'm not showing yet either so it doesnt really feel 'real' yet either.
To answer all your questions, no. I dont think I could carry something for 9 months then just give it away. Is it normal with your first child to feel...resistant? Like this baby just decides to form and make my body its home? I was on the Pill when I got pregnant, so I was trying to take precautions. The abortion I had in August was no problem for me, because I had attachment issues with that baby as well. I walked away relieved, actually. However I felt guilty, 'playing God' if you will, that I'd just taken this life away that never had a chance. To do that again, would make me a person I dont want to become. I dont want abortions to be birth control for me.
My husband is flexible with me, but we still have problems communicating. He has this military perspective on life. He gets 30 days of vacation a year, so thats all I'm allowed, is how he sees it. He cant understand that I wont be capable of managing a 6 story house, with 2 turtles (tanks cleaned once a month), a cat, high maintenence dog, and a newborn baby/first time mom. Paying bills, running errands, breastfeeding, he doesnt get it. He tries to be supportive, but he cant because he doesnt understand. Its something we fight about a lot.
Yes, I have spoken with my family about it. My mom says we need counceling but he doesnt want to go. He says theres no point in bringing a stranger in on our problems that we should be able to solve ourselves. My Aunt is a good Christian and says to listen to my husband. But I cant just be submissive and be miserable and depressed here while he's gone. He says I have a duty here, that this house is ours and we're starting our own family, and I should learn to respect that.
Once he's gone though, he doesn't have much say. I'm just afraid he'll get mad and it will end in divorce and us fighting over custody, since I do not want to give birth to any more children. He said if I went stateside and had a hard time coming back he'd divorce me and fight me for the baby. Is it just me, or is he controlling my life here?

Featured Answers

Go home!!! Get counseling. If you don't think you can love and care for this baby, there are literally millions of people out there that would. I think you need a break and you need family and support.

3 moms found this helpful

I want to give you a hug. I don't have much to offer advice wise. Is there a chaplain or counselor you can talk to in confidence on the base? He may not want to "let you go", but it's not his decision. If you are depressed, isolated, need family, etc. maybe going home would help the marriage - you could find some equilibrium. I just don't know. I hope you can find some help on the base so you can make whatever arrangements you need to. Take care!

More Answers

After reading this the first thing that popped into my mind was just something quick to say. If you don't want to go broke on another abortion, imagine that abortion cost times about 10 each year for the next 18 years. I'm not advocating abortion nor am I saying it's the wrong choice. I'm just saying that a one time cost may be easier to swallow compared to an every day cost.

Also, there are millions of great families out there that would just jump at the chance to adopt that baby and give it the home it needs. If you think you will not be able to care for it or love it as it needs, that's definitely an option to consider. I'm so sorry for your situation and I wish I could be more helpful, but I just have to say think about the baby and yourself first. If he's such a jerk, he doesn't deserve you.

Just another thing to add, if you EVER want to get back to the US, do it before the baby is born. It will be a whole other battle trying to be one parents flying with a child. If his name's on the birth certificate you will need a notarized letter of consent to fly with him/her. Seems to me that he won't be so willing to hand that over, either.

4 moms found this helpful

Go home, get back on your feet and take care of yourself and your baby. Then you can think things through and make good choices for yourself.

I wouldn't make a life-altering decision like having an abortion when you are depressed and stuck in a foreign country with a man who won't let you go home. Does the military have a chaplain who can help you find some support right now? You have family and friends, let them know how desperate your situation is and ask for help. Don't be shy and don't give up. If one person can't figure out what to do, someone else may have an idea that will work for you.

4 moms found this helpful

Go home!!! Get counseling. If you don't think you can love and care for this baby, there are literally millions of people out there that would. I think you need a break and you need family and support.

3 moms found this helpful

Do you have anyone in your family you are close to? If I were in this situation, it would be my aunt. I would call and tell her what was going on and probably be on a plane the next day.

No man could ever convince me to get rid of my baby, no matter my feelings for him. I cant imagine anything scarier than being pregnant in a foreign country with a man I wasn't happy with. Do what is best for you and the baby,which sounds like getting back to family/friends as soon as possible.

3 moms found this helpful

The first year of marriage is hard. Even those that didn't argue before marriage WILL argue after marriage. I didn't live with my husband before I was married, and for the first few months I just had this 'I wish we'd lived together first, cuz I don't know if I'd married him if I'd realzed .... ' moments. Everyone goes through that. What matters is how you respond to that. How you respond to him.

Contact your support on base. While your husband doesn't want you to go home, he's going to be on deployment, so what does it matter if you are alone in Europe or alone near your family. As your husband, he needs to put your mental health first. If that means going home to family. Go home.

As for the baby, I'm sorry that you are in this situation. If you decide to not keep this baby, there is always adoption. Even within the military system, there are families that would love to adopt a baby. Again, you need to put your health and that of your baby first and do want you need to do for you.

Once this pregnancy is over, please contact your Base health system about some type of birth control so you don't end up with this feeling again.

Hugs.
M.

3 moms found this helpful

GO HOME! He can't tell you not to go home, your not a child, your an adult! Is the feeling grossing you out or the reality of it all? I'm asking because I would urge if your not happy about having the baby please give he/she up for adoption. Sorry it just doesn't sound like you want the baby. Anyways, I understand the trust issues... military life is hard, especially for loved ones... it's not like they are isolated from being promiscuous, so you have to have a lot of trust. If your fighting all the time after only a year and a half then you are probably in a destructive relationship, I say that from experience because me and my ex were just like that (we were both Marines). Talk to someone on the base (relief society) about getting you back home, I don't know what the deal is with overseas dependents but you may be able to talk them into it because hes deployed and your having a baby so you NEED that family support, especially if you are not excited about the baby and he's gone... it's hard to do it on your own.
Did you have an abortion of another baby and get pregnant right after that? you said you were 16 weeks (4 months) prego.

Update: Him having custody sure is hard when he's deployed (putting a damper on him). He is SUPER controlling. OMG, no that's not a product of the military, that's power tripping. You actually CANT change the cat litter because of the feces while your pregnant. Um he NEEDS counseling... to even have the AUDACITY to compare military life to a mom taking care of everything... You tell him a former MARINE that is a mom said that because I can tell you having a baby by myself was harder than Iraq and definitely harder than the fleet (it just makes me laugh that he even would have the balls and self-arrogance to suggest that). Honestly because he is military he will probably have a harder time getting custody because of deployments, he would have to prove your an unfit mother. I just want to point out that even MY ex would've wanted me to be with my family or he would've flied them out if he was gone... he doesn't care about you if he's just going to leave (not his choice) and tell you to deal with it. Military life, the pt, the 24 hour duties, the deployments, the drama... it's all easier than a baby.

3 moms found this helpful

Go to the nearest Catholic Church for help until you can get back to your family for the support you need. Take care of yourself-and remember-there is no shame in giving your baby up for adoption. God bless you!

3 moms found this helpful

you have a small amount of time to make a decision about the pregnancy so fight your depression and take care of yourself. What do you mean he "won't let you go home?" You have control over your own destiny. I agree with the poster before me, Patricia G. If there is any way reach out to those in the states that care about you for help.

Get yourself home. Make a decision, then Wait a couple of weeks and then see how you feel. Sometimes taking the plunge, making a decision and then resting to see how you feel about the decision will help you be sure about your choice.

2 moms found this helpful

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