18 answers

I'm Pregnant and Depressed with a Failing Marriage.

My husband and I were on the verge of divorce when I found out I was pregnant right after Christmas. 4 months prior, I'd had an abortion because our marriage is so paper thin I couldn't handle dropping a kid in on it. My husband is military, we're stationed in Europe. I'm away from family, friends, support, English speaking people and American music. (Never realized how much I took for granted.) My husband and I fight all the time, we've been married for a year and a half, we have major trust issues and he's deploying this summer for a year. He wont even let me go home because he thinks I wont want to come back (he knows I'm not happy here). I'm 16 weeks pregnant because I didnt want to go broke on another abortion. Please, I have no desire for anything, nothing makes me happy anymore, I'm starting to feel the baby move and all it does is gross me out. Please, any advice? How can I get excited about this baby? What to do about my inconsiderate husband who expects the world of me?

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Its hard to say because I get excited when I go to the doctor, maybe its just taking more time for the pregnancy to settle in for me to accept that I no longer have my own life to do as I wish when I want to do it. I have a responsibility for this little 4 inch life break dancing with my ovaries. I look at the pictures and smile, but I'm not showing yet either so it doesnt really feel 'real' yet either.
To answer all your questions, no. I dont think I could carry something for 9 months then just give it away. Is it normal with your first child to feel...resistant? Like this baby just decides to form and make my body its home? I was on the Pill when I got pregnant, so I was trying to take precautions. The abortion I had in August was no problem for me, because I had attachment issues with that baby as well. I walked away relieved, actually. However I felt guilty, 'playing God' if you will, that I'd just taken this life away that never had a chance. To do that again, would make me a person I dont want to become. I dont want abortions to be birth control for me.
My husband is flexible with me, but we still have problems communicating. He has this military perspective on life. He gets 30 days of vacation a year, so thats all I'm allowed, is how he sees it. He cant understand that I wont be capable of managing a 6 story house, with 2 turtles (tanks cleaned once a month), a cat, high maintenence dog, and a newborn baby/first time mom. Paying bills, running errands, breastfeeding, he doesnt get it. He tries to be supportive, but he cant because he doesnt understand. Its something we fight about a lot.
Yes, I have spoken with my family about it. My mom says we need counceling but he doesnt want to go. He says theres no point in bringing a stranger in on our problems that we should be able to solve ourselves. My Aunt is a good Christian and says to listen to my husband. But I cant just be submissive and be miserable and depressed here while he's gone. He says I have a duty here, that this house is ours and we're starting our own family, and I should learn to respect that.
Once he's gone though, he doesn't have much say. I'm just afraid he'll get mad and it will end in divorce and us fighting over custody, since I do not want to give birth to any more children. He said if I went stateside and had a hard time coming back he'd divorce me and fight me for the baby. Is it just me, or is he controlling my life here?

Featured Answers

Go home!!! Get counseling. If you don't think you can love and care for this baby, there are literally millions of people out there that would. I think you need a break and you need family and support.

3 moms found this helpful

I want to give you a hug. I don't have much to offer advice wise. Is there a chaplain or counselor you can talk to in confidence on the base? He may not want to "let you go", but it's not his decision. If you are depressed, isolated, need family, etc. maybe going home would help the marriage - you could find some equilibrium. I just don't know. I hope you can find some help on the base so you can make whatever arrangements you need to. Take care!

More Answers

After reading this the first thing that popped into my mind was just something quick to say. If you don't want to go broke on another abortion, imagine that abortion cost times about 10 each year for the next 18 years. I'm not advocating abortion nor am I saying it's the wrong choice. I'm just saying that a one time cost may be easier to swallow compared to an every day cost.

Also, there are millions of great families out there that would just jump at the chance to adopt that baby and give it the home it needs. If you think you will not be able to care for it or love it as it needs, that's definitely an option to consider. I'm so sorry for your situation and I wish I could be more helpful, but I just have to say think about the baby and yourself first. If he's such a jerk, he doesn't deserve you.

Just another thing to add, if you EVER want to get back to the US, do it before the baby is born. It will be a whole other battle trying to be one parents flying with a child. If his name's on the birth certificate you will need a notarized letter of consent to fly with him/her. Seems to me that he won't be so willing to hand that over, either.

4 moms found this helpful

Go home, get back on your feet and take care of yourself and your baby. Then you can think things through and make good choices for yourself.

I wouldn't make a life-altering decision like having an abortion when you are depressed and stuck in a foreign country with a man who won't let you go home. Does the military have a chaplain who can help you find some support right now? You have family and friends, let them know how desperate your situation is and ask for help. Don't be shy and don't give up. If one person can't figure out what to do, someone else may have an idea that will work for you.

4 moms found this helpful

Go home!!! Get counseling. If you don't think you can love and care for this baby, there are literally millions of people out there that would. I think you need a break and you need family and support.

3 moms found this helpful

Do you have anyone in your family you are close to? If I were in this situation, it would be my aunt. I would call and tell her what was going on and probably be on a plane the next day.

No man could ever convince me to get rid of my baby, no matter my feelings for him. I cant imagine anything scarier than being pregnant in a foreign country with a man I wasn't happy with. Do what is best for you and the baby,which sounds like getting back to family/friends as soon as possible.

3 moms found this helpful

The first year of marriage is hard. Even those that didn't argue before marriage WILL argue after marriage. I didn't live with my husband before I was married, and for the first few months I just had this 'I wish we'd lived together first, cuz I don't know if I'd married him if I'd realzed .... ' moments. Everyone goes through that. What matters is how you respond to that. How you respond to him.

Contact your support on base. While your husband doesn't want you to go home, he's going to be on deployment, so what does it matter if you are alone in Europe or alone near your family. As your husband, he needs to put your mental health first. If that means going home to family. Go home.

As for the baby, I'm sorry that you are in this situation. If you decide to not keep this baby, there is always adoption. Even within the military system, there are families that would love to adopt a baby. Again, you need to put your health and that of your baby first and do want you need to do for you.

Once this pregnancy is over, please contact your Base health system about some type of birth control so you don't end up with this feeling again.

Hugs.
M.

3 moms found this helpful

GO HOME! He can't tell you not to go home, your not a child, your an adult! Is the feeling grossing you out or the reality of it all? I'm asking because I would urge if your not happy about having the baby please give he/she up for adoption. Sorry it just doesn't sound like you want the baby. Anyways, I understand the trust issues... military life is hard, especially for loved ones... it's not like they are isolated from being promiscuous, so you have to have a lot of trust. If your fighting all the time after only a year and a half then you are probably in a destructive relationship, I say that from experience because me and my ex were just like that (we were both Marines). Talk to someone on the base (relief society) about getting you back home, I don't know what the deal is with overseas dependents but you may be able to talk them into it because hes deployed and your having a baby so you NEED that family support, especially if you are not excited about the baby and he's gone... it's hard to do it on your own.
Did you have an abortion of another baby and get pregnant right after that? you said you were 16 weeks (4 months) prego.

Update: Him having custody sure is hard when he's deployed (putting a damper on him). He is SUPER controlling. OMG, no that's not a product of the military, that's power tripping. You actually CANT change the cat litter because of the feces while your pregnant. Um he NEEDS counseling... to even have the AUDACITY to compare military life to a mom taking care of everything... You tell him a former MARINE that is a mom said that because I can tell you having a baby by myself was harder than Iraq and definitely harder than the fleet (it just makes me laugh that he even would have the balls and self-arrogance to suggest that). Honestly because he is military he will probably have a harder time getting custody because of deployments, he would have to prove your an unfit mother. I just want to point out that even MY ex would've wanted me to be with my family or he would've flied them out if he was gone... he doesn't care about you if he's just going to leave (not his choice) and tell you to deal with it. Military life, the pt, the 24 hour duties, the deployments, the drama... it's all easier than a baby.

3 moms found this helpful

Go to the nearest Catholic Church for help until you can get back to your family for the support you need. Take care of yourself-and remember-there is no shame in giving your baby up for adoption. God bless you!

3 moms found this helpful

you have a small amount of time to make a decision about the pregnancy so fight your depression and take care of yourself. What do you mean he "won't let you go home?" You have control over your own destiny. I agree with the poster before me, Patricia G. If there is any way reach out to those in the states that care about you for help.

Get yourself home. Make a decision, then Wait a couple of weeks and then see how you feel. Sometimes taking the plunge, making a decision and then resting to see how you feel about the decision will help you be sure about your choice.

2 moms found this helpful

Go home, he's just using the custody issue to scare you. When you get home, find a good counselor that you can talk to about the marriage. He sounds very controlling. I'm not saying it can't be worked out though. Maybe it can.
I think it does take some women time to get used to being pregnant. I know I didn't really "feel" pregnant until I started showing and the baby moving around didn't just feel like gas :) If you look at the pictures and smile, that tells me you really do want this baby, and I believe everything will turn out ok in the end. Becoming a mom is an amazing experience. I don't recommend you being a new mom alone in Europe, though, because amazing as it is, it is also not easy- especially the first 3 months. Your husband needs to understand that and should WANT you to have the help he can not give you when he is away. I truly wish you all the best and will keep you in my prayers.

2 moms found this helpful

Addition: I just read your "what happened" and just want to point out that on one hand, you don't want the baby, but on the other hand, you don't want him to have custody because you don't want to get pregnant again. Which one is it? If he really wants the baby, maybe he should find out what it really is like to take care of a baby, turtles, dog and big house. It's too late for another abortion, and you don't want one anyway. This baby will come, so go home where you have support and a chance to learn to love the baby with family around you. Perhaps you'll make the transition to being a mother, which is very different from the life you really want to lead. If you never make that transition, give him custody.

Original:
Your husband can't MAKE you stay. Perhaps you should get a legal separation and go back home. Do it right so that you have financial support that the military owes you, and so that you have medical coverage. You may consider adopting out the baby since you don't have much money (if you think paying for an abortion will make you broke, what on earth do you think a baby will do? You need some reliable birth control the next time you have sex, since you are so fertile!)

If your marriage is meant to be, it will work out after he comes back. Meanwhile, do what YOU need to do, and don't let him hold you hostage.

Good luck,
D.

2 moms found this helpful

what about giving the child up for adoption. if you find someone who is looking to adopt alot of the times they will pay for the medical bills of your pregancy

1 mom found this helpful

Once you get settled into a routine after the baby is born, you'll realize you can do most of it easy peasy. You should still expect your husband to help - because it IS his home too and he is part of the partnership taking care of the house.

As for being unhappy in a foreign country - - I lived in Germany SIX years due to military family life and I loved it. Maybe you should stop keeping your American is superior attitude (I know it's hard... being raised and indoctrinated to a point about patriotism, etc) from getting in the way of making foreign friends, getting to know your immediate town and city, and taking in and appreciating another culture and lifestyle.

There are ALWAYS people who speak English around a base, even if you are living off base. Most bases have military Wives trips and overnight explorations to a neighboring tourist area...

As for counseling - you need to talk to your Dr on the base and set it up. If he will not go, go by yourself.

1 mom found this helpful

My heart is sad for you. You are in a tough situation. Here is what I think. Your husband is being a controlling jerk. Why can't you go home while his is gone for a year. You will need help with your baby doesn't he want your baby to have the best care he/she can have. I don't think he would get custody of the baby if you divorce though, he is military and gone a lot sounds like so how could he take care of your child. He is just trying to scare you. You should get counseling even though he won't. You probably aren't excited about being prego because you are soo depressed about your marraige and life in general. You may feel different when you hold your baby though. Your baby is not an accident God meant for you to have him/her. Talk to your dr about your depression its possible to have pregnancy depression. I would calmly tell your husband you are nervous to take care of the baby alone while he is gone and need to go home. If he is still unrelenting just leave when he goes what can he do? May God bless you with the knowledge to make the best decision for both you and baby.

1 mom found this helpful

I am so sorry! Please seek some help and advice with someone where you are.

Have you considered adoption? You could turn over your child to the father and give him total custody.

Write down what you really want right now. In 6 months in 1 year in 2 years. Right now it sounds like it is to go home.

Do you have anyone you can speak to to get your mind in order?
A counselor or a preacher? A family member a really good friend? You sound extremely depressed and so you need to take time to make choices you will not regret. Once you make a decision, do not look back.

Your husband cannot force you to stay where you are. He can request, but he cannot stop you. You are an adult and have every right to do what is best for you.

Remember, this baby is not your husband. It is a child that will always be his or her own person. Maybe that will help you to keep those feeling separate.

I am sending you clarity, peace and strength.

1 mom found this helpful

The first thing I think of is "did he know about the previous pregnancy and does he know about this pregnancy and how does HE feel about it?" This is a tough one because only you know if your marriage is repairable. Here are the options as I see it: move back to America where friends/family are a support system for you and the baby and either make your marriage work or get divorced; place the child for adoption and possibly get divorced. If you do not want this man in your life whatsoever any longer, I would place the child for adoption because even if you have the child and divorce him or choose to be a single parent, he will be in your life re: child support, seeing the child etc. You need to openly communicate your feelings about your marriage and pregnancy w/him and see what he says. Also, a chaplain, counselor etc.I don't know exactly what you are fighting about but being married for 1.5 yrs and fighting ALL the time does not sound healthy. See counseling to repair it or get out of this marriage. I hope you can find happiness again...all the best.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi,

I am sorry your so depressed. Is there any way you can go and talk with a counselor? A priest? Anyone who could give you some support and direction? Also, what do you plan on doing with the baby....It really sounds like you don't want this baby and if you are grossed out by the baby moving, what about adoption? Could you place this baby up for adoption instead of having another abortion? As for your husband, what does he want? What does he expect you to do? If it were me, I would place the baby up for adoption, get on some solid birth control and divorce the hubby if you guys are unable to work things out. Otherwise, if you are open to really getting excited about the baby--start talking to him/her--sing to him and play music, take walks and try to journal about your feelings. Its ok to be mad and upset and sad, have you really dealt with the previous abortion? Being pregnant again will definitely bring up memories of that experience and you may have some unsettled grief to deal with. How about talking to the doctor about some antidepressants? There are some that are safe for pregnancy. Try to take care of yourself and find joy in each day-even if its just one thing, things will get better. GL. You can pm me if you want to chat privately--I have alot more suggestions that I can give but not on the board. Good luck.

M

As a woman who was faced with a pregnancy by a person I was less than thrilled to be with, the first piece of advice I can offer is to ask yourself: Are you grossed out by the feeling of the baby, or by the fact that it is his and makes you feel further trapped? Second, it is very easy to allow your resentment toward your husband to spill over on to your child whether you stay with him or not. No one can tell you what to do with your body, not even your husband. So if you think going home would be less stressful, and make it easier not to take your frustration out on your child, I would opt for that one. Third, you know yourself. If you know that you could never have unconditional maternal feelings for this baby because of the resentment you feel toward your spouse, then I cannot help but agree with the woman who said to multiply the cost of an abortion by ten times each year, by eighteen years. Ultimately remember that you are strong and powerful alone or with a mate, and it's your body and your choice. Best of luck.

I want to give you a hug. I don't have much to offer advice wise. Is there a chaplain or counselor you can talk to in confidence on the base? He may not want to "let you go", but it's not his decision. If you are depressed, isolated, need family, etc. maybe going home would help the marriage - you could find some equilibrium. I just don't know. I hope you can find some help on the base so you can make whatever arrangements you need to. Take care!

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