25 answers

Can a Marriage Survive Without Sex?

I truly hope so because I decide to give my vagina a well deserved retirement (with pay benefits) after an x amount of years of service, lol.
Then again, once I pass the point that I don't have to worry to get pregnant (hehe I know, bringing that BC talk, but in a fun way) I think is when sex can become fun and wild! So perhaps we would have more, just like teen but without the worries, and birth control (condoms) would be just used for a kinky night, lol.
Ok, enough.
Seriously.
If for any reason, one of you decide or can not have sex anymore, do you think your relationship could survive?
If it was you the one that couldn't have sex, would you give your significant other a free pass?(edit: as in the movie Hall Pass)

*** Yes, my intention for this post is not with the intention of debate, sorry if I word my post wrong, it was meant to be a JFF or a what if kind.

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Sue H. You are right! I think as a part of "her" retirement benefits I could do something where she could still have those climax without having to work, there are other parts down there that perhaps wouldn't retire never, lol.
Dana, I was joking, but perhaps is my younger me talking and my older me is going to laugh about that as I would have triple the sex then now, you know, no kids at home, husband retired, no BC needed, how knows, lol.

Featured Answers

Yes, I think most good relationships can. After all sex is just one of many parts of a good relationship.

Don't get me wrong, not like I am going to give it up without a fight but I could live without it.

Now if the man stops cooking we are done! :p

4 moms found this helpful

Much depends on how important sex is to each of you individually. My ex had had prostate cancer before I met him. Sex was iffy. Sometimes even with pharmaceutical aids, the equipment just didn't cooperate. We found workarounds.

If all you're worried about is pregnancy, go 69 or anal.

If sex was a deal-breaker for him and I couldn't/no longer wanted to, I would give him an amicable divorce and wish him well.

3 moms found this helpful

As a few others have said - if it were a mutual decision, OR a medical one, then yes. If it were just one partner saying "I'm done with sex" - then i think it would be mighty tough going.

My own Dad told me many years ago that for the last 15 years before he died that he was unable to perform. That was his pep talk to all his kids and grandkids not to smoke.

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I know many marriages that do, in nearly all cases they are "mature" marriages (30-50 years into them) and they are good/ strong/ happy marriages so much love and happiness in them that the sex is not an issue. I can't say if it ever was. But having few boundaries, these are things that I've had conversations about, and both partners just don't need sex for their marriage to be good/ strong/ loving/ happy. These are both family members, friends, and women I've worked with. LOL... I got LAUGHED at the first work-conversation about no-sex-marriages. Apparently the look on my face should have been photographed and framed. And then they just said "Don't worry. You're young."

(Ummm... that didn't make me feel any better. That made me highly nervous. Because I was old enough by then to not have the "It could never happen to me!" attitude when people talk about getting older. My dad doesn't say "F-you" when he's really angry with someone... but one of his FAVS is "May your legs grow together." Yikes. That's a swear I can get behind. Fortunately for my own self interest I also know a lot of sexually active people in their 70's and up.)

I also know a few young couples that neither are just that into sex. They're not exactly asexual (as far as sexual identity is concerned), but they're just not that into it. Sex isn't an expression of love for them, it's not something either really enjoy, but they reeeeeally love each other and their families.

I also know a few couples who one or either partner had a medical condition that stomped on the hormones and neurotransmitters that made sex any different from sticking your finger in someone else's nose. Some of them have recieved treatment and now have normal sex lives, some of them haven't. In all cases the couple involved have "worked something out". Sometimes that means they're both absitnent. Sometimes that means one partner has sex outside the marriage (with the other person's blessing).

((These are all "good" marriages, I'm talking about, to remind. There are far more I know of where when sex becomes a major issue the marriage fails.))

_________________

For myself?

Well.

I quit having sex with my husband about 18 months ago. Due to his increasing violence and temper and disrespect to both my child and myself... I couldn't stomach it. I had lost all respect for him. Which is huge for me, since I'd had sex almost daily for 9 years at that point. Come to find I can have all kinds of sex (angry sex, make up sex, just 'cause, expression of love, for stress release, sport, whathaveyou)... but I CANNOT have sex when I'm sad, or have lost all respect for my lover.

I didn't say "I will never have sex again." I DID say "The muffin shop is CLOSED until some things change in our marriage. Until we can become friends again."

Happy dance (although not for my sex life, at this point I may never :sniff: have sex again :( )... I filed for divorce last week... because UNhappily nothing changed.

8 moms found this helpful

I think a relationship without sex can survive...so long as it isn't just withholding sex. If there is a medical or physical reason why it isn't POSSIBLE it totally changes things. If it is just "deciding" no sex, then that not only doesn't work to hold a marriage together, but actively works against it.

8 moms found this helpful

I don't think so honestly, because it is a very important part of a marriage. Of course there are times you have less sex than other times in the marriage and it's not always some romance novel but overall not having sex is not a healthy and natural thing.

If there were some medical situation, that would be very sad. Not sure about the free pass...very tough to say.

6 moms found this helpful

Sure - relationships can survive without sex... but both people need to be in agreement about the no sex policy. And usually people who choose not to have sex have some issues they're working through (or not). And those issues might be the ones to topple the marriage.

Your post talks about retiring your vagina... and maybe it's due to pregnancy worries? I'm confused... there are so many ways you can deal with birth control now rather than waiting for menopause to start having sex again.

What do you mean by a free pass? Do you mean you'd allow your husband to go find other people to have sex with? For me, the answer is NO. I wouldn't want to give away the intimacy we share, and I wouldn't want my husband turning to other people for comfort. If I could no longer have sex, I would hopefully "take care" of him in other ways.

5 moms found this helpful

Yes, I think most good relationships can. After all sex is just one of many parts of a good relationship.

Don't get me wrong, not like I am going to give it up without a fight but I could live without it.

Now if the man stops cooking we are done! :p

4 moms found this helpful

I think it depends. Have you read Snow Flower and the Secret Fan? In the book, the main character lady "retires" from having sex. This is when she is an older woman and has had all her children, and they have the means to purchase some concubines for the husband. Of course, this was a fiction book but I thought it sounded pretty cool at the time. She was doing it as a way to purify her body after polluting it for so long, if I remember correctly. So, I guess as long as each partner's sexual needs are being met, and there are not jealousy issues, then...sure.
BUT even though I have gone through lots of lulls where my libido is nonexistant and I feel like I could easily "retire" and happily never have sex again, my experience is that our marriage is much happier, we are in better communication and more connected, and just plain like each other more, when we are having sex often. It really seems to strengthen the marriage bonds. And the good thing is, the more often we have sex, the stronger my libido gets....

4 moms found this helpful

No, I don't think a marriage (in it's truest sense) would last without sex. Without that kind of connection, you're living with a roomate or a life-long friend. What would make your relationship with your spouse different than any other friendship? Nothing.

Just my opinion, but I couldn't give my husband a "free pass", nor would I use one if I had one. My marriage is about connecting and supporting eachother, which for us (my husband especially) includes intimacy.

The whole tone of this (even if it's JFF) is strange. Giving your vagina retirement benefits like you can disconnect that part of yourself entirely? Strange.

4 moms found this helpful

There is a lot you can do that takes the issue of pregnancy out of the equation. At the core of things, it is about being with your partner and connecting in a special way. I think if either of us said no sexual contact, it would be the end. That is just too all-inclusive to be reasonable and seems to take the feelings of the other person out of the picture. That, to me, does NOT a marriage make.

3 moms found this helpful

Well, technically, I believe it could "survive". I mean, say your husband is older and can't get an erection anymore (health issues), do you get a divorce because you can't actually physically have intercourse any longer? I would hope not. And there is always masterbation, for both, if needed. But if you "decide" to not have sex anymore and hope your marriage will survive, NO, I don't think it will. And by a "free pass" do you mean I would allow him to have sex with someone else? No way in hell. So no, I don't think it would survive in that case.

3 moms found this helpful

Well I think it would depend on *why* sex wasn't an option any more. If there is an unfixable medical problem, then I think that both partners should still be committed to the relationship and accept this as part of the "worse" and "sickness" parts of the marriage vow. I probably would give my husband a "hall pass" but that's because we already have a bit of an unconventional arrangement that's way too much info to get into detail here. So for us, it wouldn't be as big a leap as it would be for some couples, but I totally understand couples where that wouldn't be an option. If my husband were unable to have sex with me, I don't think I would do anything on the side as long as we were still intimate in other ways.

If one partner just decides that he or she doesn't like sex anymore, then that's not OK. It's not OK to lead someone to pledge their life and fidelity to you, let them commit to monogamy with you, then deny them sex. Sex is a healthy part of any adult life and a part of a healthy marriage and for one partner to stop participating, to me, equates to unilateral decision making, which is not OK in a marriage. It's not right to say "I won't give you what you want and need but you can't get it anywhere else either." The couple should then either work to figure out what's wrong (physical problem, emotional or mental health problem, etc.) or let the other person decide what to do (stay and be celibate, stay and have an open relationship, or end the marriage).

To be clear, I'm not saying that we all have to be ready, willing and able to have sex all the time. Certainly there are times of stress, exhaustion, tension, being busy, or having medical problems that may mean a temporary break, but the intent should always be to continue intimacy in some form or another to the extent possible during those times and get back into a regular pattern eventually. But...I don't foresee ever just saying "OK I'm done" and closing up the shop. I'm guessing that all couples eventually get a stage where sex fizzles out, but I would expect that to just evolve naturally over time and not be a conscious decision that OK, we're all done I don't have to be intimate with you anymore.

3 moms found this helpful

As a few others have said - if it were a mutual decision, OR a medical one, then yes. If it were just one partner saying "I'm done with sex" - then i think it would be mighty tough going.

My own Dad told me many years ago that for the last 15 years before he died that he was unable to perform. That was his pep talk to all his kids and grandkids not to smoke.

3 moms found this helpful

I think it depends on the reason why the sex is off the table and if both of you are in full agreement.

Sex is meant not only for reproduction or for fun, it's a bonding moment. I know when life gets in the way and we have a dry spell, then finally get some time, it's wonderful to reconnect. I don't think I could ever "retire", I'd miss him too much. Yes, there might still be holding and petting. Heck, I can even "handle" myself and so can he. Even when there are some nights where we "handle" each other it's nice to have him but it's just not the same. It's lacking.

Now, if something medical happened I would like to believe that we could survive. While I love sex with him and would miss that certain connection, I am a big girl and can suck it up if there were a serious reason behind "no sex".

Personally, why would you want to retire? I'm sort of confused. If you love a man and still like him why wouldn't you want to have sex with him? It makes me wonder if he's not attentive enough, if the sex has gotten to be a service and not a joy for you?

Please, this is no attack no you and your husband. Just a general question to someone wanting to "retire".

3 moms found this helpful

Much depends on how important sex is to each of you individually. My ex had had prostate cancer before I met him. Sex was iffy. Sometimes even with pharmaceutical aids, the equipment just didn't cooperate. We found workarounds.

If all you're worried about is pregnancy, go 69 or anal.

If sex was a deal-breaker for him and I couldn't/no longer wanted to, I would give him an amicable divorce and wish him well.

3 moms found this helpful

To be honest, I've wondered the same thing. I've even asked my hubby if he would stay if I became ill or for some other reason could not have sex. He insists that he loves me enough and he would stay. He also says that he would not want to have sex with anyone else. Not sure that I believe that after 6 months (or maybe not even that long) he wouldn't think about straying. I feel confident that if he did, it would only be for the physical satisfaction. I truly believe he loves me to his core and that that will never change. Not sure I could give a free pass though.

Have a great weekend!

3 moms found this helpful

well, do you really want to give up orgasms & the peace it brings? Don't you just feel totally relaxed afterwards? All smiles here....

moving on, YES, I think a relationship can survive without sex.... but I would miss the fun. :)

& sometimes, due to medical issues, sex is not a possibility. We have several friends who are paraplegic & are in wonderful relationships.

3 moms found this helpful

My dad and stepmom got married in 1992. He passed away in 2007. Due to health issues from 1995 till he passed away he was unable to perform. My stepmom finally has a boyfriend but according to her they have not had sex, so it has been quite a few years for her. I think i could survive without it......its not a real big deal to me.

2 moms found this helpful

It absolutely can work as long as both parties are okay with it. Some people do not need sex to connect with their significant others and some people need it. Depends on you and your spouse.

If worries of pregnancy are your concern, why not get your tubes ties or your hubby a vasectomy? Then you can have all the kinky wild fun sex you want without worry of pregnancy.

If the problem is that you've lost interest, you may want to check in with your doctor. This could be an indicator that there is another larger problem.

2 moms found this helpful

Well, this actually brings up a fair number of issues that could be controversial, IMO - not even counting the BC issue! =D

1. Marriage is a life-long committment. "In sickness and in health" would be the line that applies to the "cannot" have sex any more. I have a family friend whose husband had a heart problem followed by a stroke. Due to loss of oxygen to his brain, he has major short-term memory loss and a lot of physical limitations. He's just not the same man she married and he's not terminal by any stretch. But, they're still married and she's still faithful.

2. Marriage is more than sex - it's not simply a piece of paper that says: "You can DOOO IT!" (Waterboy reference...) It's about companionship. Support. All that jazz.

3. As for withholding - the Bible (if you believe) actually has a statement on that - that it should only be by mutual consent for a defined, short period of time to allow for fasting and prayer - focus on God. The Bible acknowledges that sex is an important part of a marriage relationship and helps keep it healthy.

As for "would I give my SO a free pass"? I cannot imagine... I don't know that he would WANT a free pass - having to go out and pick up girls again - all that work!! =D

Hopefully this post comes across as lighthearted as I intend - I certainly am not trying to start anything or turn your lighthearted post into anything more...

2 moms found this helpful

no I do not think someone could stay married and not have sex. Sex is a huge part of being married. For us, it's how we connect and bond and feel close to each other. I would NEVER withhold sex from my husband.

2 moms found this helpful

I think it would change the marriage, but it would be up to both partners to maintain their relationship if there were no more sex. I also think it would depend on the circumstances. Why did the sex stop?

There are many married people that cannot have sex for an array of differences and I think that if they truly love each other they will stay together. I think that if it were one of them making a choice to not have sex then there is another question. Why would they choose to not have sex if they are able?

Last summer my hubby could not walk, move etc. because of a herniated disc in his back. No, he could not have sex and he had no desire to have sex. Was I disappointed? Yes, but I would never leave him for that (even if it was forever) and we would continue to have a great relationship because we love each other and there is a lot more to life then sex.

2 moms found this helpful

It all depends on the couple and how secure they are with eachother. Yes it can survive if you have a great friendship to back it up. And no I would not give my husband a hall pass!!!!!!!!!

1 mom found this helpful

It really depends on the couple; I don't think young couples would survive, but I think older couples who have been together for a very long time already could...

I had a good friend that was in her early-mid 20's when she met her husband, they got married about 2 years after met her. She had been dating the guy for about a year before I met her. He was in his upper 30's when she met him, I think he just turned 40 when they married. Anyway, she would tell me they would go months without sex, like 5-6 months. She still wanted kids too, why shouldn't she. They divorce less than 5 years of marriage.

I would NEVER give my husband a pass to cheat on me. Many times he said sex is just sex to him, he doesn't have to have feeling for the person to do it. I just could never let him go be with someone else... Just isn't going to happen...

1 mom found this helpful

Yes many do, but they are most likely unhappy on one part or the other or both. Also, it opens the door for an extra marital affairs.

1 mom found this helpful

I think a marriage can absolutely survive without sex, but I think it depends on the reason. I know for sure that if I had some medical reason that I either couldn't have sex or couldn't enjoy sex, that my husband would not leave me because of that.

I am not sure that I could just decide I was done, though, because it shows a real lack of respect for his wants and needs, and our relationship is built on mutual respect and love, and the idea that I will watch out for his needs because he will watch out for mine. I don't view sex as a chore, but something I share with someone I love.

I haven't seen the movie Hall Pass, so I'm not quite sure about that reference, but whether I would give a "free pass" to my husband if I was unable to have sex with him, no, I wouldn't. I would not want him doing anything that would encourage him to form an emotional bond with another woman. Whether I would let him visit a (legal) prostitute or something - I have no idea. I think it would depend on the situation, and I can't predict my mindset in that case, if I would feel threatened or relieved to let him let off steam...yeah, I have no idea. Hopefully, I will never have to find out.

1 mom found this helpful

Not in my house!!! LOL

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