Invited to an Out of Country Wedding That We Can't Afford!

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. Period. If he's a good friend, he'll understand. I think it was highly presumptuous of him to include "no excuses, please!" in the e-mail. It's not an excuse, it's a fact of life.

You'll just need to tell him that while you really appreciate the invite and really wish you could be there, it's just not an option financially. If he really wants you there (and if he really meant "no excuses") he'll offer to pay for the majority of the trip. Otherwise, if he can't do it financially, then he can't expect you to do it financially and it's not an excuse.

Just tell him you cannot afford to fly out of the country and that you are so sorry. Any good friend would understand.

Let him know immediately, before formal invitations are sent, that you cannot make it under these conditions. You don't have to say why. If you let him know now, then he can invite someone else.

We would love to and are honored to be included, but we regret we are not financially able to attend.

Please come to our home for dinner before you leave so we can toast the tow of you and wish you a Bon Voyage!

Join us again when you get back, we would love to prepare dinner and hear all about the ceremony and see all of the photos and videos!

Love Sally and the family

Tell him J. that you would love nothing more than to come and celebrate but unfortunately you financially can't afford to attend, although you would love to take them out to dinner and celebrate when they return!

Well, considering the fact that this is a close friend there is no reason why you can't RSVP now (before the formal invite) that you would love to attend, but that you cannot afford to fly the family overseas right now. However, you would love to host a small party (if you can) or take them out for a nice dinner when they are visiting after the wedding.

This does two things:
1. He now knows that there are two more "seats" available for the wedding if there were some folks on the "maybe" guest list.
2. Lets him know that you are willing to host a small reception here for those who cannot attend the wedding. This is a really great thing if you can swing it. My husband and I got married in NY for many reasons and many of my parents' friends made the trip from FL (where I grew-up), but some could not. My parents and sisters hosted a cocktail party in FL a few months later when we were in town and invited people to come "celebrate with the new Mr. and Mrs.". It was very low-key, but that way people who couldn't afford to come to NY got to celebrate with us...
- Wedding album there
- Guest book
- Cocktails and appetizers
- Wedding cupcakes
If you can't do a little party for them, then offer to take them to dinner when they come visit and try to send flowers to the hotel suite on the night of the wedding!

You are right, he doesn't get it. He won't get it until they have kids and someone pressures them into doing something like this. Just smile and do what makes sense for your family. Your close friends will understand.

Just be honest and say although you would love to go, your finances just dont allow for it right now. Send him a thoughtful gift and be done with it. In this economy, I find it a little surprising that he really believes average people could afford this. Good luck!!!

He doesn't get it so don't worry about what he thinks of your polite decline.

How soon is this wedding? I ask because it is possible that you wouldn't be able to get a passport if you don't already have one.

Since you haven't gotten the official invite yet, I would simply reply to the email now (so he can invite someone if he wants to). Tell him "We are so honored that you have included us in this intimate circle of friends that you want to share your wedding with. We appreciate the invitation and truly wish we could attend. Unfortunately, the logistics and costs associated with traveling to Japan is not something we can afford right now. If you are having a reception when you return home, know that we will be there with bells on. If not, once you return, we would love to have you and your bride over for an intimate dinner party."

Sally:

I would call him and ask when he can come over for dinner and talk about it then.

In the mean time - look around at flights and call a travel agent and see if there are deals you can book - you might have to ask someone to watch the kids while you and your husband go on the trip.

On Orbitz I just found flights from LAX to Toyko for $204 EACH. Assuming family of 4 - airfare round trip would be $1761.

http://www.orbitz.com/App/ViewFlightSearchResults?gcid=C1...

in my opinion, you don't owe an explanation, your financial situation is none of hs business, all you owe him is to send a timely RSVP that you regretfully are unable to attend and that you send your best wishes.

So don't offer an excuse, just say you're not coming. :)

I'm very sorry, but your friend doesn't sound reasonable or considerate in this situation. It's wonderful that he is getting married, but he is the one that chose to do so out of the country his "close friends" are in. It was in poor taste of him to try to guilt trip or obligate his guests by writing "no excuses". Do not feel pressure or obligation or "awful" about not attending. You should send regrets along with a nice congratulatory card and maybe a gift if you so choose.

Like he said, "no excuses." Simply RSVP that you are unable to attend a wedding that is out of the country. Don't offer any reasons in your initial RSVP. The fact is that anything will sound like an excuse to him no matter how valid the reason. He'll follow up, so that will give you time to prepare something short and to the point: "I'm so excited that you're getting married and I can't wait for you to start your new life! How romantic that you get to marry in Japan! Unfortunately, I can't afford to travel to Japan to attend your wedding. I'm so sorry I'll miss your ceremony, but if you have a reception here in the States I hope you know I'll do my best to make it."

Don't say "my family" because his solution will be for just you to attend to cut the cost. If you say "I" then you'll be including all options there. Not only can you not afford for your family to attend, but you can't afford to travel by yourself either.

Politely send your regrets and a gift/card.
Not being able to afford it is not an excuse - it's a very valid reason.

if you went i would leave the kids with a family member (unless on is a baby).
but i agree if he is a good friend he will understand if you can finacially go. if he wants you there that bad he can pay your way :)

cheryl--- your leaving out the taxes on your price :) there is like 600 dollars in taxes and fees. so it is like 881 per person.

That's crazy--the "no excuses" part....
If you can't afford to go, send the response card back marked "cannot attend"
Or was his email actually the invitation? How weird is that? I'd respond the same way to the email. If he's footing the entire bill-fine, he can beg you to go. Otherwise, he can't "demand" anyone's presence--that's just part of a destination wedding.

.

Tell him just that -it's too expensive to fly the whole family to Japan, stay in a hotel, etc. Let him know you love him and wish you could be there, but it's just not possible right now. IS is possible for you or your husband to go alone? That could be a solution. Seriously, anyone having a destination wedding should know that many people won't be able to make it. If they don't realize that -their head's in the clouds.

I think people who get married out of the country have to expect that not everyone can afford, or wants, to spend their money that way. The wedding couple is choosing the location and most likely you're going to be spending your vacation money on it. And if you have children, you have to figure out a sitter for them.

Personally, unless the bride grew up out of the country and you're getting married in her hometown/area, I think destination weddings are incredibly self-centered. I'd RSVP no, I can't afford it. Hope you have a wonderful wedding. We'll be thinking of you, best wishes, etc. And send a gift.

Like everyone else, I say the only thing to do is write him back and say that although you'd love to be there, finances don't allow it. Don't apologize or make excuses, just be upfront that you wish you could be there but you can't.

That said... are you sure your entire family is invited? Maybe he only meant you and your DH, which is significantly cheaper than adults plus kids. And if that's the case, could you leave your little ones with the grandparents and afford it that way? It's possibly a once in a lifetime opportunity...

(edited to add: WOW! The airfare Cheryl O. found is amazing! It would be cheaper for me to go to your friend's wedding than to visit my family in NY)

He wants just you? Just you and your husband? You, husband plus any kids--?

I hope that in a few years, when he has had to live with things like a mortgage and kids, he will realize how utterly self-centered and silly this "invitation" sounds. He may be a great guy but he's a clueless one about other people who aren't, like him, able to do and go where they want, when they want. The "No excuses!" thing -- boy, I hope that's meant with humor, because if it's not, he really is letting pre-wedding giddiness melt his good sense.

I would not say "we can't come unless you pick up some of the cost" as someone suggested. If he responds "Sure! Yes!" would you really then be able to go? With kids' schedules, work schedules, life? I've been to Japan twice and it takes really a full day to get there, with airport time, flights, changes, etc., and the jet lag is huge, so unless you are going for at the very least a full week it's not worth the toll it would take. Maybe just one of you parents could make it if you really want to and have the funds (Japan is very expensive), but taking kids? Forget it, unless they are old enough to handle the travel and the jet lag and the food that's new to them. So do not go the "If you pay some, we'll come" route unless you truly mean it AND want to feel indebted to him, which is no basis for friendship.

I would tell him how thrilled you are that he's getting married; how exciting the wedding sounds; and that you cannot come but can't wait to throw him and his spouse a great dinner (or a whole party, if you are really close to this guy) back home. IF you want that expense, by the way.

If he gets snippy or worse, say to him what you said so well here: "I know you're coming to the States for X's wedding, and that's fine, but I think that you may not realize what a big thing you're asking of us." If he is really a good friend he will wake up and realize what he's doing. If he persists in pushing you to come, or is rude about it, or even cools off communications, you will know that he is out of touch with your life right now and unable to get past himself to see how others live.

You say that you feel awful right now but honestly, he's the one who should feel awful for pressuring people to come to a destination wedding that goes way beyond the usual "Come to Bermuda" ones we see talked about here.

He's insanely insensitive if he doesn't realize that most people won't be able to afford this trip, for a variety of reasons.

Be straight with him. And he gets upset, I would make the suggestion that he's welcome to pay for your tickets and hotel. That should put things in perspective for him.

Tell your friend that you appreciate the invite but you simply cannot swing the trip. Anybody who invites people from out of the country or has a destination wedding MUST understand that not everyone can come. I would send a gift and a heartfelt card but if you can't go, you can't go. Don't let his personal means or comments make you feel guilty. I get from your post that he's currently a single guy with lots of time off. That's very different from a family.

I told one of my friends that due to the short timeframe (the wedding was thrown together in weeks) and the ban on children, ONLY I was able to attend and I needed to leave at a certain time. So I came, and then I had to leave for another event (which I'd already agreed to attend before the wedding invite arrived - remember, it was all very last minute) before the cake was cut (very poorly organized event). Friend had to just deal with it. I was not the only parent or member of a couple there alone.

(And, personally, I don't have even 1200 (two adults, no additional fees or kids), let alone 1600 or 1800 laying around for two people to fly. If she can't afford the tickets, nevermind all the rest, then she can't afford it. Her friend has to understand this.)

You have to tell him that unless he is willing to accept some of the cost you are unable to attend. I know someone who had a destination wedding like this and they were able to instantly stream the nuptuals on a password protected site so people who could not make it could still see the ceremony. The site had TONS of photos of the couple thru the years, funny stories from the wedding party about meeting and good times had, a bio about the bride/groom from each parent's point of view, a "things to do before we die as a couple" list and there was a comments for others to add suggestions. The site even had a place to email your advice, your questions, you well wishes (all sep emails) and links to charities the couple supports should you choose to give a donation gift and links to their registry should you choose a tradtional gift if you choose to give at all. I think they got more and "better" gifts because so many people could not make it they spent a little more than they normally would - many bought a gift and made a donation. The site was well put together, had everything you could want about the wedding location, reason for the destination, fun facts and the ceremony was streamed live and if you could not watch it live they added the video permanently the next day.

If he's a close friend, just tell him point blank that as much as you would love to be there, it is just not financially possible to fly the family to Japan and if he truly wanted all his close friends and family to attend, he would get married in the US or he would offer to help pay expenses for his guests.

Just be honest.

Just did a quick Google search for flights from LAX to Tokyo. Using travel dates in June (I just picked that randomly) - you're talking around $1,000 per person minimum just for the flights. Hotel will run at least $200 per night - most likely more. You're obviously not just going to Japan for a quick weekend, so figure you'll be there at least 3-4 nights minimum.

Unless you're friend is footing the bill for the flights & hotel stay, my answer would be a polite NO. I think it's a little unreasonable for someone to think that anyone - let alone people with jobs, kids & responsibilities - can just drop everything and spend several thousand dollars on a trip to Japan!

Here is a different point of view. Is your friend or his fiance of Japanese descent? If so, perhaps marrying in Japan with their specific wedding ceremony traditions is very important to them. I can understand why they will only invite few people. Have you asked your friend if they are coordinating a hotel for everyone that is invited to stay in (i.e. cheaper rates etc.). I've been to at least 3 out of country weddings. In my experience, there is coordination of rates for hotel guests, transportation coordination (usually pick and drop off from hotel or rides to events), daily itinerary for activities, events, meals. I think you need to ask your friend and be honest. Perhaps they are covering certain expenses in Japan and you would have to only worry about flight expenses, meals and incidentals. Another thought would be what if only one of you attended? If this person is a close friend, I believe it is important to him to have you or hubby there. In my opinion, I'd go. You only live once! Good luck!

Note: Are they marrying in Tokyo? If so, you need to take the express train (cheaper way) to Tokyo from the airport.

It would be soooo cool though! Once in a lifetime opportunity. You said yourself, you'd love to go.
Can you leave the kids with gramma and just you and hubby go?

He's a close friend, so I'm sure you can openly discuss the cost. See if he has booked a suite of rooms for the guests. Your hotel may be free. Use vacation time and just go for it. If this is a pre-invite - it sounds like he is giving more than enough time to plan, budget, save. GO FOR IT!!! Live a little. You can't take it with you. Your friends are going to come back with all these great stories and pictures and what will you have to show for it? an extra $1,000 in the bank? No Bueno Sally. No Bueno.

i'm not sure i understand the angst, or why you feel awful. unless he's a real douche, surely he understands that this is an expense not everyone can afford.
all invitations have decline options. use it. and take him at his word, don't offer excuses.
just say no.
politely.
khairete
S.

he sounds totally CLUELESS. don't feel any pressure at all - it's a simple "no, thanks." the wedding is all about them anyway - they will hardly notice you're not there.
good luck!

If you cannot afford the expense and/or the time off, then simply decline the invitation. He is presuming an awful lot, and it's actually kind of nervy to say, "No excuses please" when he expects you to spend probably a couple thousand dollars to attend his wedding. Tell him something along the lines of, "Thank you for including us in your small guest list. We would have loved to be part of your special day, but simply do not have the finances nor the vacation time to allow for such a trip. We are so sorry to miss it." Seriously?" "No excuses"? Really, that takes nerve.

Tell him what you just told us. Even if he were to get very inexpensive hotel
rates, good gracious, the airfare would be a killer. Then what you go for
a weekend, not to Japan! You would need to eat and you cannot go to Japan without doing the tourist thing. All that adds up. I can't even imagine
what the cost for that wedding would be. My mind can't even go there.

Wait for the invitation to come in the mail. Check "no" on the response card. Mail it back. No explanations needed.

Saying "no excuses please" is kind of rude and presumptuous, in my opinion. No one should be expected to fly to Japan (not a cheap flight!) for a wedding.

Do you have any other friends going? Could you possibly go without your family and just with another friend? It would be a lot less expensive if you only have to pay for one plane ticket and you split the cost of the hotel room. Maybe your friend even has friends or family in Japan that you could stay with so you don't need to pay for a hotel at all. Since you really want to be there, it seems like it's worth at least looking into.

Maybe you can get a cheap ticket through priceline or a similar bidding site.

Bottom line - if you want to go and can make it happen, do it. But don't get guilted into going if you can't afford it. You should absolutely not be expected to fly to Japan for a wedding.

I personally would not even bother to respond at all and I definitely would not go. The no excuses please really got to me. If he asks again before the wedding to see if you are attending I would simply say unless you are paying for my flight, my husband's flight, my babysitter and all hotel and food costs then the answer is NO!

A true friend would not ask something so ridiculous and a true friend would never say, "No excuses please." He has a lot of nerve.

Oh, I would also tell him that i would be glad to come to a reception that he throws here in the U.S. and that I do not want to hear any excuses please. LOL!