Incorporating a New Man into Our Life

C.,

Do not introduce a man to your daughter until 6 months have passed, preferably longer. You can say you have to go out for some grownup mommy stuff, but don't say anything about dating.

You may think you have met the man of your dreams after a month, but don't make the mistake of introducing him to her yet. You never know. It is my understanding that it actually takes 2 years for someone to show their true colors, so a guy can be on his best behavior for a long time. You don't want to end up with an an abuser-substance or people. So be patient. Just stick to a 2-3 hr. date once a week or two until many, many months have passed and you are sure about him.

Intoducing the man you are going to marry isn't the problem-it's introducing several different men to your daughter.

Good luck! And bless you for being such a wonderful, caring, single mother who puts her child first. Single mother's get a bad rap, but we're not all bad! :)

Dating doesn't have to cut her out. You could try going out when she's at a friend's house or at a church group meeting. Then she wouldn't feel like she's missing out. She would be having fun while you get to have some adult-time.

Try introducing him gradually. When he's over, involve her in conversations and playing together as a family. Any man in your life will need to see you are a family, and no matter how much you love him she will always be first. Try short outtings or meetings with him... maybe 2 or 3 hours.

After a month or couple months... you gage... bring him around for longer if you feel like you and him are getting along quite well. In this way she will not grow attached to a man that may not be in her life for long.

Continue your normal routine with outtings, study-homework time, TV time, while your dating. As long as everything stays relatively the same, she's not going to feel left out. She'll feel like you've included her in a new relationship, which I think she'll respect you for.

____@____.com
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I'm married but I do have a half sister and I've talked with my mom about what it was like being the "other" woman.

Since your daughter is so much older then my sister was, try sitting down with her and talking to her. Try to explain why you want to date. Try to get her to open up as to why she acts up. Try to find a middle ground. You can try having day dates where its the three of you. Think of it this way, he has to woo both of you and the day dates are between him and her. On the day dates you can let her choose where you all go, make sure the focus is on her, give him chances to interact with her. Tone down the romantic "iky' stuff, don't let her see more then a hand hold or a quick kiss until she is comfortable with your gentleman of choice.

This is awkward, does she know about sex yet? Yes or No, I would hold off having him spend nights over or you staying over. I would recommend not doing either until you are remarried. I know that sounds odd, but think of how difficult a situation it could be. It is up to you and her really, if she knows and understands about sex and is alright with him being over for the night, then fine. If she doesn't and you start staying away all night or he starts staying over, you could ruin everything you have been working for with her.

Any man who's worth having will put up with this, Remember that.

I hope this helps. Good luck

Why are you feeling like you need to move on with this part of your life? It sounds like you already have so many blessings... 50% of 1st marriages fail, 75% of second marriages fail...I say be content with the beautiful life you have & fill that void doing things for God or just getting to know Him (Jesus) That's what He's done for me! Don't get yourself in a load of trouble by catching a man!:)

If and when you find a man you want to incorporate into your life, you should be able to do that. If he is the right man he will enrich not only your life, but your daughters as well. I have a very good friend who was on the opposite side of your dilemna. He fell in love with a single mother of a beautiful 6 year old (eery how similar the situations are) who was also very protective and a very smart little girl. When he and her mother became involved the little girl started acting out etc. Her mother was loving and firm with her. She didn't necessarily punish her, but she let her know the actions weren't acceptable and that they wouldn't make the man go away. He handled it beautifully and neither of them gave in. They now all live together and are thriving as a new family. I really think finding the right man, who will endear himself to her is the key. You'll know when the time is right ... and whatever you do ... don't feel guilty - when you are happy your children will be happy!

I think it is wonderful that you care so much about your daughter. I think that when the right man comes along, it will just fit. Your daughter will love him. If your daughter doesn't love him, that should give you a clue about the guy you are dating.

I am remarried and my daughter immediately took to my husband. She met him when she was only 4, but they both adored each other right away. My second child was only 1, so it was pretty hard to tell with her. My husband and I are very happily married almost 3 years now.

Hun I know exactly what you are going through. I had my son at barely 21. He turned 7 in October. I lived at home and finished nursing school and ended up buying a house 2 yrs ago. I got engaged a year ago and it was hard allowing someone to parent my son, love me and love him all at the same time. My fiance adores my son as if he was his own and plans to adopt him after we get married (my sons father was never involved). My son and I are very very close. ALmost buddies and its hard to break that mold and create an actual family but when you do its wonderful believe me. Feel free to email me. ____@____.com

M. Mommy to Darien (10-27-2000) Momma Shell to Allison (4-16-06) and new mommy and dairy cow to T.J. (2-8-08)

Sounds like you are doing things right-good for you! Like the last person said tell her you need adult time to go out with friends--you don't have to say you are dating yet. Also get together with groups of friends--both male and female--so she can see you interact with a variety of adults(and their children). Have potlucks, board game nights etc. When you meet the right guy take your time and let them slowly get to know eachother--since you will have already established regular get togethers with friends you just invite him to be a part of it and then there won't seem to be such pressure on the two of them. And make sure that he knows what the household rules are but leaves discipline to you after you are together. My wonderful guy has been with us for 8 years now--I remember one incident well that we still laugh about. My then 16 yr old daughter cam home from school on a Fri and asked her step dad if she could go to a friends house(I was not at home). He knew the family so that was not an issue--but he said to her, Well, I would not want to be here if your MOm comes home and your chores are not done! She pouted but did her chores before leaving. He knew what the rules were but did not try to step in --just pointed out to her that she probably would not want to break them--knowing what my reaction would be!

I know how you feel. I have done that in different ways I am seeing a man now and I introduced him into mine and my daughters relationship in a different way. Before I would do it to soon, in anticipation and excitment but I found that my daughter got very clingy and if it didn't work out then she would be heart broken. Her father has never been apart of her life so a dream of having a daddy is very big and real for her. This time I made sure that I knew the relationship was going somewhere before I allowed him to meet her. Beware of someone who wants to introduce themselves too soon. You could be getting into a potential domestic violent relationship.(trust me I know) a true man will feel the same way. I wouldn't incorporate a new man in your life any sooner than 3 or 4 months, or until you feel confident about how well you know him. How well you know that he isn't some psycho-path. Give yourself time to get to know him, make sure he is the right one, not only for you but for your daughter. Look for any red flags, gut instincts, things that he says or acts that may make you feel like "he may not be the one". Stuff like that, trust me in the end it'll pay off. Don't rush in. That is the mistake I made before, and vowed to never make again. The man I am seeing now we have been dating for 4 1/2 mos. now and about 2 weeks ago was the first time the three of us went out together. He took us out to dinner after church. Just as I knew would happen she got excited. Now she can't wait till the next time we go out again. Now she expects to go out to dinner with him every sunday after church. However it is ok now because I know where the relatinship is going. If your daughter asks when will she meet him, I would say that you are making sure that he is good enough for your her. My relationship with my daughter is the same, very, very, very close. I am very protective of her as well of her for me. If when you do incorporate a man into your relationship with your daughter, and your daughter tends to act not receptive, don't automatically think that it is because she is jealous. Alot of time children can see things we can't, because we get caught up into someone caring about us. Remember who is more important, but also consider you. I hope that helped.