In Desperate Need of Help with 21-Year-Old Son

This may sound harsh but I had a friend who went through same thing w/her stepson, except this 20 something wasn't in college. After a few years of letting him mooch off of them, bailing him out of all kinds of trouble, she and her husband finally had it out with him and told him that if he wasn't going to get a job, he wasn't going to mooch off of them anymore and life would be hard. His mom did the same thing, because he acted the same no matter who he lived with. And it was. He continued slacking and they stuck to their word, even though it was hard, and basicly he ended up in Job Corps so that he wouldn't be homeless.

It wouldn't have been as bad if he wouldn't have treated them so badly, and guess what...when he comes home from his breaks on Job Corps, they are still reluctant to let him come home b/c now he got married and he AND his wife still treat them badly...dirty up their house and eat their food....He, the son, goes to work everyday w/his dad while he is on his break and tries to find some excuse every day to get out of it...and my friend (the stepmom) has had to take off of work a number of times to go fix some crisis (or make believe) crisis at their house. So now, they aren't even going to let him come back to their house from Job Corps.

I told you all of that to tell you that becasue it was really hard for my friends to take such a hard line with him, but they had no choice because the son refuses to change. Even almost being homeless didn't change him. And, he was a good kid to start off with.

I hope it works out for you. let us know what happens.

Mom, I think you have been an enabler. Who pays for school? or does he have a scholarship? Take away that cushy lifestyle--place to stay, lots to eat, time to play--he'd go to work soon enough. You'll have to bite the bullet, practice some tough love. Let him know he either shapes up or ships out. You're not doing him any favors by supporting his indolence.

First of all im 24 now and held a job all through high school, but when I hit college I did the same thing. I thought I was in school and didnt have time to work. But it was only a little bit into my 2nd semester that my parents stoped giving me money. I quickly found out that I liked having that extra money. He can ref for the city and still make money. I had to learn the hard way that even though my parents loved me they had to put a stop to just giving me money. Now I have 2 great jobs, go to school full time and a single mom. It takes hard work to do school and work but it sounds like he just doesnt want to try. Hope this helps. Good luck

E.

Unfortunately, we don't realize that we are harming our kids instead of helping them by not instilling a work ethic in them from a very young age. At 16, it's too late. They need to see it from about 5 or 6, so they are accustomed to chores and allowance..."earning" money for the things they want and need.

We made this mistake with our oldest, and peer pressure from a bunch of other lazy teens who's parents just handed them money didn't help, either.

Tough love is all you've got or he'll be there for years. Soon he'll be dragging a wife and kids home with him. Our job as parents is to raise our kids so they CAN move out and take care of themselves. Whether they WILL or not is also up to us, but how SUCCESSFULLY they do it is up to them.

I never knew how hard it was for my parents to sit back and watch me make one stupid decision after another. I always worked hard, but I didn't always do what was best, and now that I have a 19 almost 20 year old, I see what they were going through. Have hope, though...I finally pulled my head out of my butt at about 29. I have a great husband, great kids and a great life.

We told our daughter, we are not "kicking" you out, we are "helping" you out, and we did. We helped her save her money, helped her get into an apartment, then lovingly cut her off financially. We still invite her to dinner, talk to her a lot, etc, but we don't offer money and to her credit, she doesn't ask. She is still a little mad; there's a tough transition between being a kid and being an adult and she still blames her hard times on us. It's only been a couple of months, but as she gets older and especially when she starts having kids, she'll understand A LOT more!!!

Good luck with your son! Be strong and remember that as parents our job is to do what is best for our kids. That includes tossing them out on their butts when they're old enough to support themselves! LOL!

hi G.,
firt i will say congrats on seeing your mistake with ur son and not repeating it with ur daughter. i too have a child like ur sonexcept he quit school and never went back. all e does now at age 24 is odd jobs. it is not that he can't work it is he won't. he has 5 kids by 3 woman but does not support any of them. so u will have to stand tough kick ur boy out on his own. it is fine to have him come stay on breaks but even then if he don't work he don't get anything but the regular meals u set on the table. i know is hard but is a must unless u want to end up haing a boy like i have and it is no fun beleive me.plz feel free to contact me n let me know what happens
gl
J.

Stop giving him money, and when he has none he should get the hint. you can not bail him out even though you will want to, it is going to be tough love kind of thing. I know when I wanted things as a collage student and I ran out of the money my parents allowed me to have my first semester, I went out and got a job. And I did work from the time I was fourteen until I was a freshman in collage and that did not last very long. It is worth a try I know it worked for me when my parents just cut out any extra money. Good luck.

Good morning - I feel for you - I know how frustrating this situation can be for you. Do you give him money throughout the school year and summer? If so, hard as this sounds, you might consider cutting him off, thus theoretically forcing him to go out and earn his pocket money. Are there any external forces that might be affecting him so that he won't get a job? I'm not speaking of his baseball time. I wonder if you could speak with his advisor? I realize that as your son is an adult, that his advisor may not talk with you, but it's worth a shot to try. Good luck - sounds as if your daughter has her head on straight.

maybe he could check into a work study program at the college or a job on campus in the library. you get to study and get paid there. i know alot of kids when i was in college did that. i am 23 and i work full time and i am a step mom and i am thinking about going back to school. its not hard to balance it.

Is he at school on a baseball scholarship with a promising potential career in semi-pro/pro baseball? If so, then you may want to consider it his job, but cut off all funds in the summer when he is home. He might also consider a work-study program at the college. I know that it is usually less than 20 hrs. per week, and often fits around a school schedule. What does he want to do with his life? It sounds like he needs some motivation. Does he have a strong father figure in his life that can encourage him in manhood? Bottom line is that he doesn't have a job because he doesn't have to have a job. As long as you are paying his way for everything, including spending money, he won't get a job. McDonald's and Walmart are always hiring! One thing that we did with our 19 year old son, who attends college full-time, but still lives at home, is tell him that getting a job IS his job. He got up every a.m., dressed in khaki pants and a polo shirt, and went out applying for jobs for 6-8 hrs., 5 days per week. He finally got hired at Staples and loves it. If we didn't MAKE him do it though, he would not have done it.

Hi G.,

I can empathize with your problem and it's going to take some fortitude on your part to bring a positive end to this situation. As hard as this is going to sound I think it's time for some tough love. It sounds like you are going to have to force his hand. In my opinion, and if it were me, I would tell my adult child that without good grades AND a part-time job I wouldn't be funding his college and extra expenses anymore. Also, at age 21 I wouldn't allow him to live at home anymore. Maybe you can find an apartment for him, pay the 1st month's rent and partially stock his cupboards then hand him the key. Then lay down the law and tell him there is no moving back home or "borrowing" money. Unfortunately some "kids" need that proverbial push out of the nest before they learn that they can survive on their own.

Good luck and God bless.

W. Q

G., know u did not mean to, but seems u made a mama's boy out of him. You do not say nothing of his father and this can happen with none around. Truthfully that is the problem today. Mothers love their children an they should but children wrap mommies around there little finger.

Some one mention depression here, I doubt that is the case. However if you can get him to a doctor you may want to have him checked out. If you do, speak to the doctor regarding this, one never knows it may move him on the right track.

Since he is using baseball as his primary excuse you should talk to his coach. If he wants to play ball, the coach can be the fatherly figure and may get him to see the light.

He knows, or think he knows he has the upper hand with you and that you would not cut him off. As you been talking to him and he just does not care. Since talking is doing no good I suggest that you sit down and write him a letter. Tell him your concerns, as Jenny says tell him you are going to pay his lunch and board, and do it direct to the school, tell him that if necessary you are going to cut him off financialy. And this is the hardest, give him three weeks, set a date, this is the hardest, THEN DO WHAT YOU SAY, DO NOT BACK DOWN, IF YOU DO, I AM SORRY TO SAY THAT THE FUTURE MAY NOT BE GOOD FOR YOUR SON. IF YOU LOVE HIM, AND HE DOES NOT WANT TO HELP HIMSELF, DO IT FOR HIM.

My parents were immigrants with no educatin, I worked all my life, in grammar school at the grocery and drug store. High school threw morning papers every day. Sorry I did not know the value of college and never went. However I had a job all my life until the day I retired.

To Kimberly, go back to school, you can do it.

God Bless

Everyone else seems to have hit the nail on the head - your son hasn't realized that he needs to work because he has never HAD to work. It's a hard thing to go through, making stupid decisions as a young adult, because he wants the right to spend his time however he wants to, without the responsibility that goes with it. I don't think people really grow up until about 25, after about six or seven years on their own. Sometimes the right thing to do for our kids is NOTHING; to let them learn in the School of Hard Knocks. He is convinced you would never NOT help him, because it would hurt you too much to see him hurting. But if you don't do the hard thing now and be a parent, then you will keep him a child forever. He will be convinced he doesn't have to work, AND that he is incapable of taking care of himself, because you treat him like he's unable to do so, like he's not strong enough to pull himself together.

I don't know where your son attends college, but I am staff at a state university and we have student workers come in 20 hours a week in to the office and they come in between classes, an hour here and 2 hours there, whenever they can. Now our particular office is only opened 8-5 but there are others on campus that are open 24 hours (library) and hire students to work. Surely his campus is similar. Also places like Wal-mart are opened 24 hours also. I worked at the both the university library and at Wal-mart when I was an undergrad.

I can see how this situation could have evolved right under your nose and with very good reason. i.e. his involvement in sports and clubs. I have a son that is in 4th grade and is heavily involved in anything and everything so I am curious to see what the others say.

My only suggestion is to stop supporting him. Or- cut down on your support.

Good luck. M
PS: after reading the responses one other thing struck me: He probably does not know how to apply for and keep a job. That in itself is a skill that we develop after working from age 13 or so. That whole process has changed over the years and it can be confusing to your son. Also, having him work on a resume may suddenly wake him up to the fact that he has no skills. (or maybe he does, and that will boost his self confidence).

I began working as soon as I can remember-Of course,I did the norm:babysitting at an early age; then, when I was about 13,I started working for cash at a catering company.My mother was an office manager at a travel agency and the man who owned it also owned a 4star restaraunt and catering company here in our city...he was completley short handed for a HUGE wedding one night and asked my mom if she would allow me to come help out- I continued working w/ him off and on throughout highschool age-Also, at 16,I was the afternoon "manager" for a small,lunchtime cafe-I would go in after school and handle the last shift and then close everything down.On Sat.I was there to open the store and run that lunch crowd w/one other worker.I held down that job,babysitting,and catering,FULL school,FULL social life,and still found time to be at home for my own alone time.I worked at that cafe throughout the summer (almost everyday)and then she closed it down because she moved to California to be w/ her partner..I replaced that job immediatley w/ a another restaraunt job,etcetcetc...I worked through college and up until 2mts before I married.Now, I'm a SAHM of 3 little ones and another on the way-I still keep bsuy w/ everyday life-paying bills,kids,hubby,house,internet,etc...
My advice?-Cut him off!!! Eventually he'll figure out a way of making money on his own...One girl had a great idea: have him look into the city program...they pays guys his age to be the refs and umps for local teams....good way to make money and to enjoy what he's doing! Maybe u can make a deal w/ him for incentive-tell him u will still alot him a certain amount monthly as long as he is proving that he's helping to pull his own weight in the paycheck department...If that doesn't work, well,I'm assuming he's going to school on the GI Bill that YOU earned-tell him to straighten up or you'll ship him out w/ the army so he can earn his own GI BIll!! HAHAHAHAHA....that was funny-;)

he's 21 years old cut the apron strings. Time for him to grow up tough love is hard but in the end worth it. Focus on the 16 year old now nad get her to 21 and the enjoy YOUR life if no more children at home. You paid your dues now its his turn.
Good luck. Pray hard.
Jan

I won't tell you anything different than what every other mom is suggesting on here so that should tell you something right there. Go back and re-read Meegan H. She said it on the money. The first part is up to you, what he does with it is up to him. Do not blame yourself for what happens to him after that, he is a grown man and needs to make his own choices. Don't enable him anymore. When school is back in session this fall, this will be your chance. Take it. No matter how hard it will be at first, you won't regret it in the long run. Good luck!

G.,
You may have summed it up in your last sentence. Here's where the "tough love" comes in. Unless he is on a baseball scholarship, why is he practicing so much during his school semesters ? Why is he umpiring kids' games during the summer break ? Don't get me wrong here, I applaud his involvement with youth, but I must point out that priorities should be set. He seems to have a problem with that. If you are continuing to provide for his financial upkeep, why should he look anywhere else or do anything to change an already satisfactory arrangement ? If you ARE still subsidizing him, give him a definitive date when the Bank of Mom closes down and he'll be officially on his own and stand firm. It won't be easy.....probably one of, if not, THE hardest thing you've ever done, just remember, it is our job as parents to raise our children to be independent and self-sufficient. Good luck G. and God bless.
A.

It sounds to me he hasnt found the job that calls him for part time. Maybe he could apply for a sporting goods job or part time as a teachers aid, ect. Something to do with sports. If he is in college, unless he is taking over 20 credit hours he isn't going to school from morning to night every day. There is a break somewhere in there and definitly on the weekends. He will learn if you cut him off pretty quick to get a job or have nothing to eat,lol. I know as a kid who did work 50 hours a week and went to school 22 credit hours per semester that you can work enough to live on your own and still have all the fun you want while getting good grades =). mama's little guy has to grow up some day. Good Luck I can only imagine how I will deal with this when my kids are that age,lol.

I am so sorry to tell you this, but it sounds like he might need to be cut off financially if you haven't already. Sometimes when we grow up not wanting for anything it is hard to grasp the fact that real life is not as easy as it was growing up. You did not mention whether or not he is good enough at baseball to qualify for scholarships. Hopefully he has already tried to use sites such as fastweb to find scholarships to make his mom's financial burden a little easier. The only reason I know this is because I was once like him. I was 19 before I got a "real" job waitressing, and I was only 20 when I found the career I am excelling in today at the age of 32. My parents had never taught me how to even balance my checkbook before I moved out at the age of 16 to attend college, and I was a financial disaster, taking out credit cards once I was 18 and maxing them out and then defaulting on the bills. I must say, though, that them cutting me off has really made me the person I am today. Went back to school at 32, attained a 3.98 average so far, raising 3 kids as a work from home mom, working from home (losing a little hair and going a little crazy), but it is worth it. If you can shove him out of your nest with kindness and good intentions and be there for him when he needs advice (sometimes with a hot meal), he will probably thank you when he is officially a happy and successful adult. I really hope this helps and does not offend because I am speaking from my own personal experience in his shoes...

what does his contract with the athletic dept. say about working. Some schools don't permit it. IF his does, maybe a conversation with his coach. ( not a threat to him but an actual conversation) will help. but as for college. he really does need 3 hours a week for every hour in the class room. an as far as his grades, thats a conversation for the coach as well. especially if he is on scholarship, there should be tutors available to the athletes. A conversation with his coach might "encourage" him to visit with them more often. Good luck. You have let him get away with this all of these years, you can't suddenly start parenting in a super strict manner now. You have tolerated this behavior and he knows there are no consequences for his actions. Sitting down with him , apologizing for letting him get away with things, and the idol threats of the past.explain the new expectations and the timeline ( like 30 days). explain the consequences and Stick to it. now excuses , don't buy in don't care. Still contact and be cheerful etc, just if money comes up say I told you this would happen, and move on to something else. good luck

Sounds like you are going to have to stiffen up your "request". Obviously your son does not understand that living in your basement and eating Ramen is not an option for him once he "squeaks through" college. Per your own words, you have made the "allowance" for him not to work through school because of extra-ciricular involvement. He continues to see that as a valid reason NOT to truly seek a job. I would discuss real world politics and consequences to his actions. When he comes to you for $$, you just have to turn him down flat due to the fact that he has not made any progress in trying to help himself. Also it sounds as if there may be an element of depression at play in his actions. You might want to explore that concern with him.

Are you sure your not talking about my son? I went through this same thing. Right down to the baseball excuse. I will tell you that my son finally got a job this summer but only because he wanted to stay in Stillwater so he wouldn't lose the house he was renting. Once he started working and saw that he could make money and enjoy it he seems to be ok with it. I think we tend to spoil them without even knowing it. I too didn't press him in highschool because of sports but now I wish I had. Now I don't know what will happen when school starts back up but I can only hope he continues to work some. Good luck and I hope he turns it around soon.

Hey G., you will probably have to cut him off financially in order to make your point....you said in high school he didn't work because of sports....well, now he's playing baseball in college and to him it's the same....he hasn't seent he difference in honor society vs barely making grades, etc. to him he's probably doing what he's always done. My youngest son is in his 3rd year in college as well. we put $75 every 2 weeks in his checking account. During the school year he uses his FAFSA & 1 other loan to pay for his duplex-utilities-school, etc. When he's home or if we go visit i may go buy him $100 worth of groceries or fill up his gas tank but he rarely asks us for additional money unless there's a special event or something of that nature. We do buy his books each semester and pay for his fraternity dues. he plays all of the intermural sports. Ususally in the summer he comes home and works with his dad but this summer he's stayed at school to take classes and work...G., you will probably have to cut of his funds except for essentials in order to make your point. He's 21 and you can't do it for him, he has to choose....he'll probably be mad at you for a while but hopefully he'll get the message and become what he has to potential to become...hang in there...R.

I know when i was about 16 i learned really quickly that if i wanted a car, i better get a job. If i wanted to go to college, i better get a job.

Only thing i can suggest is tough love. Don't give him any spending money. None. Once he realizes that mom does not equal a bank, he'll get a job. There are tons of part time jobs available to college students. Has he applied for a student worker job on campus? If not, tell him to go to the Financial Aid department and ask them if they have any available. I used to work at LSU for 8 yrs, and i'm pretty sure they still get their jobs thru that department.

Good luck!!!

I know this is furstrating to you.. In every situation there are things that may work for one that want for others.. i have found that you can not change anyone or make them do anything. no mater what you do sometimes as a parent.. it may not work .. everyone is diff. Now there are several things you may try becaus it is proven that people continue to do things when their is a pay off.. He is getting his needs met. so sometimes children will not learn responsibility if they are not forced to be resopnsible. that is the hardest thing for us as mothers to do.. we have to allow them to fail and struggle . It is tough love.. It is called that cause it is so hard to do.. not only for us it also is hard to watch our children do. you have to find a way to not give your son everything he needs.. i have had to kick him out almost. make it h*** o* him. In college they have work studieds and jobs that work around his school and sprots. he is snowing you. you just have to get tough.
he will not change if he does not have to..

You may not like my adivce, G. but I suggest you stop giving him money. Pay for his tuition and school supplies only. If he needs money for baseball or whatever else, then he can find a way to procure it. I promise it won't take long before he figures out the value of part-time job!

If he likes umpiring so much he should do more if it. Each season has different sports and it depending on the sport it makes decent "spending" money. Girls softball pays $25-$30 a game. Vollyeball is getting I think over $50 a game because there is a lack of volleyball "umpires" (not sure if correct term.) He should look into ASA sports and such.

On a different note, my dad sat me down when I was about 18 and told me from that point on anything extra that I wanted was my responsibilty. He would pay for food and shelter but that was it. I didn't believe him at first but he kept to it.

You said, "So I cannot figure out where my son got the idea that he doesn't have to work"
It sounds like he got the idea because his life is great and he has never had to work! You obviously are happy that he is in college and you are supportive of his choice to play baseball which is wonderful. But you must be supporting his social life or he would get a job.
I VERY MUCH disagree with the folks who think he should get an apartment. That costs alot of money and it may be very overwhelming for him to juggle. My suggestion is to get him a meal plan at the cafeteria so he won't starve (paid for in advance), pay for his dorm/living ONLY during the semester, and tell him the rest is on him. No allowance, no extra funding. (not for clothes, not for a mini-fridge, NOTHING) Believe me, that's what did it for me when I was in college. And, my parents reason? They had no extra money. Period. And lastly, for that "no time" excuse - College classes don't last from 8am til 3pm. A full 15 - 18 hour class schedule could be over by noon every day if scheduled properly. (I worked on campus for just three hours every afternoon for my extra cash) So, even when he is in school he could get a job in or around campus where they will work around his schedule. Good luck!

Has he had a physical lately to make sure he isn't suffering from depression, anemia, or something else that is causing him to not be self-motivated? If that's not the problem and it's just a lazy thing, I have friends who are in the position. We always had to work part-time once we turned 16 or we wouldn't have any money for gas or hanging out w/friends. We have one child who is now old enough and works 2-3 days per week and our younger daughter is already looking foward to a PT job when she is old enough. We will give them a car and pay the insurance but if they want to drive it (and they can't drive ours) they have to work for the gas and their spending money. I will give both of them an allowance to help out if needed but only if they work to earn most of what they need. Otherwise, they sit at home and be bored (but it's their choice). Oh and if it happened that they were glad to stay home because they could goof off on the computer .. nope, it would bug me, but our internet would get cancelled and I would just have to use it at work only. I know this is frustrating for you but our parents would have done this to us and this is what we're doing to our kids. I hope it has same results and we're all responsible.

STOP GIVING HIM MONEY! plain and simple solution....not easy for a loving, caring mom to do... i know. i've been there and done that. it hurts us more than it could ever hurt them. IN fact, on the contrary, giving them what they need and want only makes the problem worse. He will become tired of having nothing eventually. YOu will have to be quite strong, standing firmly to your position, and give NOTHING. Also help your daughter to see that she too must remain strong and say "NO." It works, I promise. For some it takes longer than for others. So be patient and be consistent. Say NO.

and good luck. D.Maria (____@____.com) if you want to chat more on this from my experiences with my own son.

Dear G.,
I hate to say it but your son will not get a job until you stop giving him spending money. My son was also active in high school. He played 4 sports, was in several clubs and was in boy scouts. As soon as he turned 16 his allowence stopped. He worked on weekends for spending money. He is 20 and getting ready to start his third year in college. He is still just as active. He is down to one sport and 3 clubs. He has reached Eagle scout so not as busy with the scouting. He carries a 3.2 grade avg. For the last 6 summers he has been a volunteer at camp smile, a camp for disable children, and still holds down a job on weekends. He also is taking summer classes on the computer, he has to go to school for only one of thoses classes. Sears is a great place for college students to work, they work around their schdules. It is all up to you to put a stop to the gravey train. If you are not giving it to him then he will have to go out and earn it.
Good Luck,
C. B.

G.
Kids have it too easy today. Parents continue to do the supporting and kids continue expecting it. As long as you supply what he wants, why work. My youngest is 23. He graduated in 2004. He worked a full time job at McDonald's when he turned 16 and worked there until he graduated. He now has a full time job with great benefits. He still lives at home, pays 100.00 rent and half all the utilities. Ever time he pays, his share, he says, thank you mom. I could not live on my own this cheap. Now, some day I do want him on his own, but he will know what it cost to do so. He will turn into a lazy bum if you encourage him to do so. Set some guidelines and make him stay within them. If he chooses not to, let him find his own way, the hard way.
Sometimes that hard love, is hard. Also, remember that 21 is still so very young. They just think they have all the answers.

Good Luck
S. Miller

S.

I had two 'honor' students, also. My oldest, a girl, didn't work in high school or college either. Fortunately for us, her 'honor' status paid 100% of her undergrad AND law degree, and she was satisfied to 'do with less' so didn't have to work and concentrated on her grades. We gave her an allowance of $85 per month until she got married a year before she graduated from law school. That was enough for her. Her younger sister needed more 'things' so she HAD to go to work to get them. She also didn't have the grades to pay her entire college. My youngest, a boy, also got everything paid for but needed his toys, so he worked, but not as much as no. 2. My opinion is, you can scream all you want, but they won't work until they're ready. And in your son's defense, it IS pretty hard to find a job 1-2 weeks before you need it, and are only going to work a few weeks before going back to school, especially a part time job. They just aren't that available (at least not in our small town.)My son worked for the school he was in, both in HS and college and those jobs just kind of fell in his lap. Both 'honor' students graduated and found career jobs immediately, even before, they graduated. I will say, though, that they both chose majors that are in great demand: law and aerospace engineering. The middle 'non-honor' student is still in grad school, and still working. Their dad worried endlessly about them, but it all turned out fine. Hope my experience helps you.

I am 24, so have not been in your shoes yet. I am glad. But I have worked either part/full-time since I was 16, with the exception of maternity leave. When I got my car, my dad paid for the insurance and gave me money, but he insisted that I get a job "to help pay for gas and other things I wanted." He griped and complained and my mom nagged. They felt that since I now had transportation, it was time to work. But I think in the end, for me, it was peer pressure. My friend had a friend at a fast-food place, and while it was not great fun or money, we got and kept our jobs. It sounds to me like you might have already tried this route, but I am sure you will make the right decision for you. Good luck. I am tackling the twos but am dreading the teenager years! :)