Teenagers in College

I am writing to you with the perspective of someone who has completed college, my children are nowhere near college age. My parents encouraged me by pestering me. They asked about my classes, what types of papers I was writing, and if my classes were going toward my major. They simply encouraged me to keep going to classes. I also worked the entire time, my parents paid for the classes, I paid for my books. Don't make things too easy on your child, he/she needs something to work towards.

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Quite simply put...YANK THE FUNDING! She will have more respect for her education if she is paying.I put myself through college with no help... not even moral support from my family. She has to want it and if she doesn't then she gets a job and moves out. She WILL then see the value of an education versus none. But she is legally an adult and there is not much more you can do to push her.

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Well, I hate to say it, but once they're in college you kind of have to let go, even if they're still at home. Be there for moral support, etc, but you really can't punish her for bad grades and the like now. It is really common for college freshmen to struggle because college is very different than high school. The work is harder, the expectations are higher, and there usually isn't anyone there to babysit you like before. I learned that way, as did my sister, and we both pulled out of it. But here are some suggestions. First, reconsider letting her have a part time job. My entire life I have had more direction when I had a job, and I went to school full time and worked 30+ hours for most of my college career- I ended up with a BA and five semesters on the Dean's list. Having a job while going to school forces kids to manage their time, and she will also have a little money, which means more freedom. Secondly, let her have more freedom in other areas. Obviously she sounds like a good kid, and it sounds like you trust her. I grew up in a different part of the country, but the second I graduated from high school my parents took away my curfew- but I still had responsibilities. I could stay out until 4 am if I wanted, but I still had to get up at 7 to feed my cows (don't laugh), and I still had to go to work. Or, if she has a cell phone, let her pay the bill herself (once she gets a job). This will make her feel more directed and grown up.

Lastly, you may want to have a very grown up, rational conversation (if you haven't already done this) about what she wants to do with her life and how she wants to get there. I know how valuable education is, but at the same time college doesn't work for everyone. If she has a path and knows what she is interested in doing, life and school become more interesting and she will have more motivation.

Good luck!

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Jennifer C. is right. I moved out when I turned 18, and didn't receive a penny from mommy and daddy from then on. I put myself through school, working 3 jobs. I think that your adult child doesn't appreciate the value of hard work. Success is soooo much sweeter when you make it there on your own. The real world is hard, and you don't always have someone rescuing you. (Well, these days parents seem to rescue their kids all the time.)

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Hey C. N,

it is a possibility that she is just burntout and tired of studying. As a college student myself, I also get tired of studying and burntout. She may need a break and go right back to studying, if she is taking too long on that break you may want to speak with her. Good luck.

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As a college professor I can attest that many incoming freshman have difficulty settling down the first year. In many situations they hadn't realized that college in many cases can be more difficult and in other situations college provides the student more autonomy. Young adults often forget that they won't be reminded about their work, it is expected that they realize it is their responsibility to stay focused and motivated. Reality sets in when grades come out; they then learn what is needed and expected. Good Luck

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C. - raising teenagers can be hard. I have an 18 year old senior and a 19 year old freshman in college. I thought this would be her time to shine, bit it's not that way. But those are my expectations, not hers. First, be grateful she's in college. And support her no matter what. My daughter doesn't discuss much about what's happening - and I ask. But I don't push. I know in the end she'll be okay - just have faith. It's a huge transition for them - mine went away for the 1st semester and came home (she was living with grandma and it didn't work). She still doesn't know what she wants to major in, and that's okay - for now. And on the other hand, my son, whom I thought would be the toughest to get motivated, was already accepted to State, has his major figured out, and just keeps surprising me. So, hang in there. And remember that she's in school - not you. It's tought to let them grow up without our watching every move.

good luck!

K.

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I have no wonderful advice; I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone! I think the teen to adult transition is the hardest many people have to make. They can't figure out if they feel like adults or like children, and often don't know why they'd want to be either. My 20 and 21 year olds (both went out of town to college) often tell me that they do not want adult responsibilities. As my second oldest said, "What fun is being an adult if you just have to work all the time to pay for stuff like rent and food?" It was very disillusioning for her, because she was one who had always figured that once she turned 18, life would be endlessly fun.

Another school might be a better fit - is her campus so large that she feels lost, or so small that she feels she has no privacy? Does she know what degree she wants, and why? A different college might make a difference in how she feels. If it's a financial option, going away to school might be a good experience. Some kids who stay at home feel that college "feels too much like an expensive high school," since they're still living with their parents. I've also known kids, one of mine among them, who chose a specialty or trade school instead of a 4-year university. My daughter went to culinary school, and now works as a cake decorator. One of my daughter's friends was miserable at the local university, but LOVED beauty college and her work in a salon.

As with all the younger phases, this too shall pass! Hang in there.

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Hi C.,

Both of my girls are in college, and I let them know that I was there to support them when they needed it. One will be graduating this year math major, the other sociology major next year. The trick for me was to let them know that their father and I would support them, pay their car and insurance, but they go to work part time while in school and pay for any extra stuff and clothes that they want. They don't have to pay anything toward rent or food. They know the rules, school is work, i.e., we love you but you get this done, or there's a cardboard box always down any street USA waiting just for you. That's been the motivation, simply that life offers no free rides.

It's worked so far, just being realistic. At the same time, I have let both of them call their own shots about how they're handling their life, their classes, their business. I haven't been over them, never demanded they do a lot of chores (but lo and behold, they clean up because they knew I'm not going to do it!) I think they've become self sufficient because although I've made some demands (like reasonable curfews), mostly I've stayed out of their business with the expectation that they will be woman enough to handle their own business. And they have. Along the way, I've also asked them, what would you have me do different, and then willing to listen... and they're honest with me. I would say give her room to be her own woman, and she'll come around to become the person that you and God will be proud of....d.

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Another thought; I have seen this behavior time and time again, until the student finds their "niche". Nothing has lit her on fire yet; no subject, no teacher, no club or organization. Encourage her to try new things at school, take a broad range of classes, until she finds the thing that she loves. By the beginning of her second year, she will have seen a spark of something she can move toward. Maybe its art, or photography, or marketing, or history, or math...you never know.
She wont study until she either has to (at this point, she's smart enough to pass without it)or loves to. Maybe she's board because the classes arent a challange. Keep encouraging her to find herself.

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That's a tough situation. One thought I have is - is college her choice or yours? Does she know what she would like to do? You say she has "other priorities". Have you asked her what she feels would be right for her? Sometimes the first couple years of college are hard because you have to take all the general courses before focusing on your interest but is she taking any courses she enjoys? Maybe she would be better served going to a junior college and working part time at something she really enjoys. That way she can find out what she wants to do with her life.

V.

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While I don't have a college age child I can offer some advice to ease your mind. I struggled greatly my first year of college. The change from high school was a drastic one for me. Granted I went away to school, but friends that stayed home also had troubles. I was totally unprepared for college in high school. I too was a very good student in high school, but I didn't have to really work at it and I still got A's. That is not the case in college. I think your daughter is probably going thru the same educational culture shock I went thru. College is all about working and studying on your own unlike high school. For most students this is a big change and takes some time to adjust too. I am sure her college offers tutoring and seminars on study skills and various other topics. Encourage, but don't force!, her to seek out these services. Remember she is a teen still and for the most part, teens HATE being forced to do anything and will most likely do the opposite. Talk openly, lovingly, supportively with her about what you can do to help her. Ask her what she thinks is the problem. By simply asking in a kind manner teens are much more likely to open up and she may surprise you with some answers. Heck she maybe even able to come up with the solution herself! After all as you said she is a smart kid! Remember to be patient and supportive no matter what, given time she will adjust to the new academic regieme and will again be earning the grades you know she is capable of. Good luck!!

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Transition to college is a hard one for many people. Sometimes people are not in the right major for them and that affects their ability to do as well in classes. College is more difficult than high school, but there comes a time when we have to let other people experience the consequences of their actions. I know this from personal experience...when I was in college initially, it was difficult and I was not as motivated as I could have been. I think the best motivator, as hard as it might sound, is letting her do the work on her own, not criticizing her but encouraging her to do her best. Take a step back. If she gets a failing grade in a class, she will have to repeat it to graduate. In my case, I did not fail out of school, but ended up losing my scholarships because I did not have the grade point average needed. What motivated me was my parents saying, if you lose that scholarship, you will have to put yourself through school because we can't afford to. I ended up going back to school several years later and totally paying for it on my own. I graduated with A's in all my major subjects and went on to pay for graduate school as well. Just be supportive but let her make her own decisions and have her own successes and failures. You are a good mother and have raised her well. It is time to let her try things on her own. Good luck with everything. Be sure to let her know that you love her and believe in her ability to succeed.

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college is completely different from High School. You dont have the same peers anymore and the classrooms are a little impersonal, no bonding is just go sit for an hour or two, listen to the lecture and get ready for a test. More time is demanded from you to study and read a book and less contact with profesor or peers. She probably needs more time to adjust to the routine. She can also be confused on what degree to get, when I went to college I had no idea what to pick end up picking criminal justice because it was the most interesting subject but not what i really wanted to do. After starting I went through everything, graduated but still i am not fullfilling my career of choice, recently I am a day care provider. Therefore have a nice talk with her and figure out what is going through her mind and support her regardless her desires. A college degree is not everything in life, but a strong desire to do something will always make a difference. Make sure she makes the right choice according to what she wants not what we want.

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C.-

My children are small, so I can only give you advice from my own experience. I received my Biology degree 12 years ago from an amazing, private Catholic college. My parents couldn't afford to send me to school, but I was lucky to receive an academic scholarship. However, room and board were not covered. Since it was my first choice school (and in my home town), I agreed to commute to save whatever $ I would have had to take out on loan. It seemed like a good deal at the time, but I must admit that I was so unmotivated to put the real hours needed into studying. I had a lot of friends on campus, was head cheerleader, etc. but I still felt like I was a bit of an outsider. I missed all those moments when everyone is taking out a few hours together a day and studying. I was busy at home; working 2 jobs, helping out with siblings, chores, other family things...

Young minds get easily scattered when there are so many things to try to focus on. I wish I knew that then. I thought I could handle it (even though I felt a little resentful that I was missing out on the full college experience). When you are in college and living at home, you miss the interaction, debates and discussions with your classmates about the classes you are going through together. There is no one at home to have these interactions with. It's a whole different kind of studying and kids are feeling their way through. When you are not truly part of the community, you miss the times when people discover that others are having the same challenges you are facing (writing papers, understanding exactly what your professor was talking about in lecture, etc). You lose momentum because you think you are the only one who didn't "get it".

On a campus the primary focus is education. Maybe she should go away to school.

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It sounds like you are a great mom, with lots of compassion and respect for your children, and their needs. College is very different from high school, and many freshmen do poorly their first semester. She may be enjoying the freedom that college affords vs. the restrictive nature of high school. She may also have been unaware of the amount of work it takes to get good grades in college. One thing I noticed you wrote is that you need to light the fire for her. Remember that you don't have control over anyone else's behavior. (A tough one for us moms). Your best bet may be to ask her to talk about what is going on with her. Get a sense of what she thinks you could do that may be of help to her. If may be that she just needs a supportive adult to share with about the struggles of beginning college.

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Is she at an in-town school because YOU guys wanted that for her or because she wanted that for her? Does SHE want to learn how to manage work, school and her free time on her own or are you guys doing that for her? Maybe her "unmotivatedness" is coming from the subconscious thought that "i don't want to disappoint my parents but THEY know what's best for me whether i am happy or not." i'm sorry if these standoffish but i saw the effects of this in my family. my aunty thought she was doing the best for her son when she did everything for him, his homework (this was in the 80s), his laundry, everything. so he grew up to believe that "my mom does everything better than me; why should i even do things for myself..;" maybe he thinks she doesn't "TRUST" that i can do things for myself. now as an adult, he has such a low self esteem, has turned to alcohol (we are christian as well) and some drugs, lies and has very poor, insecure relationships. i am a mother of 4 and a christian as well and i can see sometimes that i may get very over protective over my babies...but then i see, i just may be disservicing them in the long run to not allow them to be who they truly are from the inside out. hope this helps or maybe this all may not even be the case. either way, my prayers are with you. laulii

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Is your daughter one of the youngest kids in her age group. I was only 17 my first year of college. I dropped out. I did poorly and was miserable. I also lived at home.
I told my parents that I wanted to take a year off, that I would work, and help with money (which they saved for me and gave back to me when I moved to my 1st apt)
They knew my heart. I did exactly that, I worked, had a fun social life thru church etc then went back to school and did very well (3.8) I went on to earn my Masters in education.
You might consider offering her this option. She sounds lost.

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As far as your eldest in college, it is something that your whole upbrining has culminated into. You can speak with her about how this will affect the outcome of her education as a whole, but she may not be tuned into that right now. Maybe something else is going on. Talk with her about what her goals are....maybe her ultimate career has nothing to do with a college degree. Maybe it is more a specialty school or something along those lines. If she isn't interested, she won't do well. If she doesn't do well, she won't be in it for the long haul. These grades will follow her and haunt her too! But it really just sounds like something is going on in her head that has nothing to do with college. Something is drawing that attention. You have provided her with the most you can, no job...lives at home....she's well- grounded. Good Luck & God Bless You!

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Hi C.
I have a daughter in her second year of college and I felt the same way you did when she was a freshman. I had to evaluate a lot of things. She was very intelligent, and did well in high school with little effort. She never develop good studies skills, because she never had to when she could study the night before and make an A. She learned the hard way after going away to college--you can not study like you did in high school and do well. By her being away from home, she had to adjust to campus life,meeting new friends and just trying to find her way on her own. It was a big adjustment for her and it reflected in her grades. Her second year--she has develop some studies skills and is doing a lot better. I am sure your daughter will start to improve as time goes on. First year of college reminds me of the first year of high school. Is that the same correlation that you are experiencing. Hang in there,
be encouraging and supportive.

S. C.

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maybe she wasnt prepared from the work load or her classes arent challenging enough for her. some will slack in work if they arent being challenged enough or are overwhelmed. have you tried talking with her? she sounds like a great young lady that may just need a mental rest. im sure she will pull out of this and excell just as you want her too!

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If it makes you feel any better, I did not do so well at first either. The first GE classes were so boring. Now, I am 31, have my BA degree in Psychology, my Teaching Credential and a home business so that I can be at home with my 2 year old.

The biggest mistake I made was not realizing how important my grades were until I wanted to go to a grad school. She is still young and may not know what she wants to do with her life. She may need to try some classes and find her niche. Also, it is a huge change from High School, does she know what she needs to do now or does she still not care?

You might what to think about her having a part time job since she is not spending that time studying anyway. ha ha Maybe something on campus with other students working towards their degrees would be beneficial. I did not work on campus but I worked 30-40 hours a week while I was obtaining my degree. I had jobs that allowed me to pick my schedule. I mostly worked for smaller companies. One of my best jobs was working for a non-profit.

I hope this helps,
K.

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Hello C.~

I was just reading your post about your concern with your daughter's academic acheivement so far in college. I have just recently graduated from college and understand your concern as a parent but also have a college student's perspective. The first semester of college is quite a transition...getting used to the corse work, professors, and college community. I myself was a good high school student and did poorly my first semseter of college. My advice is to ask your daughter if there are specific areas that she is struggling in and get some help. Almost all colleges have free tutoring in every department and it is definately something to take advantage of. Also, it never hurts to talk and to get to know professors; they are always more than willing to stay after class, even set up a lunch or coffee meeting to help out their students. In addition, many professors will hold study review sessions for students to come in before an exam. Another thing that I found helpful was joining organizations on campus like student government, intramural sports, or community service organizations. These groups have students from all walks of life going through the same triumphs and struggles and it is good to form bonds with people with similar interests. Lastly it is important to remember that this time is definately a time of growth and exploration for your student. She may not be recieving the grades she did in H.S but that is okay. What is most important is that she is learning, growing, and preparing herself for life after college. It is so important to just be supportive and encouraging....it may be hard, but it is a time where she needs to figure things out on her own...if she fails then she will learn, but as parents, there comes a time where we must let go and let our children go and hope what we have taught them will help them through life.

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Hi C., A friend of mine went through a similar thing. She told her daughter that if her grades didn't improve and she didn't study as she should, she would have to get a job. She told her that with good grades she would continue to support her, but otherwise she would have to support herself. I think this worked, as she knew her mother really meant what she said.
Another thing you might share with her is that although she might not be feeling motivated right now, she needs to plug away and do her best. Many of us, even the most succesful people had times of feeling bored and unmotivated. Regardless, you still move forward and do your best!
I hope this helps!

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I was the same way when I first went to college. All of a sudden I had freedom I wasn't use to and a lot of new distractions that came with being on a college campus. What shook me up and got me to take my education seriously was when my mother became very ill and my parents could not afford to help me pay for school. All of a sudden I was hit with the realization of how much my playing around was actually costing. The next semester was a lot better and I ended up graduating a year early. Make her partially responsible for some of the costs and let her know what she will be facing in today's world if she doesn't have a good education.
Hope this helps.

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Good morning C.,

Take a deep breath momma,
It's time to step back and let all that you've guided, and spoke of and lived through as a family the opportunity grow in your daughter. Tell her that too. She may need to live in her own decisions for a while to see what happens. You'll be there. You can tell her if she has questions or stresses that your there for her, but you trust that she will find her way to her best self. It's hard to let them stand on their own today, but they must and we must let them. Best to you!

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Drug test her. Home drug test are available at wal-mart and many drug store.