I'm Jealous of Daddy!

Hi P.,

I understand a little of what you are going through. There isn't much advice I can provide as far as your resentment towards your husband's inability to help with house chores. The only thing I can tell you is my husband use to be the same way. I was the wife, mother and maid. One day I got fed up with that and just decided I wasn't going to lift one finger anymore. To make the story short, he learned that if we both make a mess, we both must clean it up (learned behavior). But of course I am not advising you to do that. That resulted in a lot of fights even though in the end it was worth it. The best thing you can do is very nicely ask him "honey can you please do this for me?" and see if it works. For the second part, my daughter is so attached to her daddy that in the begining it made me feel jealous. But I learned two things: One - what better person to be attached to than their father? two - I read that children work hard at showing love to the one parent that they feel more insecure with. They know that the mother is always there and usually feel secure about their mother's love...not the case with the father. Wether this is true or not, who knows? But either way, he is going to identify with his father as a male figure and role model, this is a healthy normal thing. So don't feel bad, these are normal feelings. Good luck and hope things work out for the best.

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Your normal honey! Welcome to motherhood, where your job NEVER ends! I know you love being a mother but yes, it is nice to have sometime to yourslf to feel like an adult. Yes, it would be nice if you could leave your son with his father and come home to a clean house, or at least the way you left it and your son be bathed and in bed when you get home, ha ha yeah right. Your not alone, ALL Dads are like this, yours isn't the only idiot out there! They think that they are the greatest things for just watching their own kid, so don't expect anymore then just that. He sounds like a great father and I've been told this over and over and resented it until just recently, but be greatful that he loves his son and spends time with him. Men were not made to be multifunctional. Try to let go of some of the anger and just enjoy the good times that you do have with your son. Its ok to feel the way you do, but try not to let it ruin your life cause it will, it almost ruined mine! So what if your house is dirty or if the laundry piles up, and as for your son picking his Dad over you, use that time to do something for yourself, or to get some of the other tasks done that he doesn't do! Get out of him what you can and suck up the rest, but don't let it build up in you! GOOD LUCK!

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Moveover Family, Hello Sanity!
P., I would be lying if I said we all didn't feel like that sometimes. I found myself at that point in my career after 3 kids. One day I had enough, I went up to the local community college, enrolled myself in some classes , and demanded my space back (not an easy task to do, we were broke and used to depending on mom for everything). Finding my dreams again was a big step, prior to doing this I was a reasonably good mom, but now I feel like I am a great mom. I no longer resent what I'm missing in life and enjoy every opportunity I spend with my children. Sidenote: I am applying to medical school in May and have never felt as whole as I do now.

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Hi P.,

It sounds like you need to talk to your husband and make some changes. I am a single mother of three children and have to work full time to keep food on the table as we don't get much support from their father. So, I guess I think you are lucky to be able to stay at home with your son and not HAVE to work. I could only dream of that. I understand your feeling of resentment though towards your husband. Maybe you could work out a time out day for you. It sounds like you and your husband maybe need a time out day or night also. When I was married, I felt like I did everything also and my husband got to do whatever he wanted. He needs to understand that having a child together is the responsibility of both parents and not just one. I think you need to have a serious talk with him about this and not let it continue to bother you or it will affect your relationship with your husband and more importantly, your relationship with your son. I know it gets tiring to truly take care of a child. You need time for yourself and for your husband. Hope this helps!

M.

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I think you have some deeply rooted issues that should be addressed through counseling. It seems as if you don't know what you want. Most women will treasure the fact that their son is developing a close relationship with a Father who loves him, and they'll do almost anything to encourage the relationship. How can this father fully share the resposibility with you when he knows that you'll be jealous of the time he spends with the boy? You sound like a whinning woman who doesn't know a thing about counting her blessings. You happened to be a blessed woman who does not realize her blessings. You have a lovely family; take a momment to count your blessings, and be truly thankful for it. You should know by now that having a family requires work, and it is a labor of love. Next time you want to complain, be thankful for a husband who is willing to work, so you can be home with your son. Thank your God for the closeness between your son and his father; the child is truly lucky. (Don't destroy that with your jealosy)

P.S.
I was six months pregnant with my six years old son when his father died in an unfortunate accident. Yet, I still count my blessings, and I'm truly thankful for the beautiful life he left with me.

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Hi P.,

I'm a huge Dr. Phil fan so I try to think like he does when i'm in a bind, well a tiny bit like he does anyway but I'd ask first, does your husband know you feel that way about the house? If not he can't fix anything he doesn't know about. Second maybe while you're at home with your son, have him pick up after hisself instead of you picking up after him constantly and maybe he'll continue doing it when you aren't there. At least if Dad approaches him about it, he'll be familiar. I had my son when i was 19 and my daughter when i was 25. I have worked a full time job since i was 16 and it doesn't get any easier!! My advise to you is communicate with your husband first and second, i think since you are with your son more, the time he has with is dad is (what seems to be) precious but it's just because he sees you more. I hope this helps. Good luck! Communication is the key!!

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Your feelings are normal, I feel the same way some of the time. Mostly because I take care of my boy and do all those things you stated, and my husband goes to the gym after work and has a lot more free time than I do........I feel like I do not have the right to ME time anymore. It is strange, and I understand where you are coming from......

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Hi P.,

It may be time for you to put your child in part-time daycare. You both need a break, and some time away from eachother will be good for both of you. This may also improve your relationship with your son. I would use the free time to do what you want for a change (get a manicure, massage, go shopping or just to a movie) get some alone time. You also need some one and one fun time with your son. Take him to a movie, or to public pool, or playground (just the two of you).

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Don't worry about being jealous of your son's relationship with Daddy. My 3 year old is the exact same way. Daddy, daddy, daddy, if I hear that one more time I will scream, especially when he is with me all day long and I do everything for him. It is just an age. If he wants Daddy, let him go to Daddy and enjoy the break, if possible.
Also, keep in mind, men take care of themselves first and then everyone else (and in a different way than women.) Women take care of everyone else first and then themselves. Sounds like you need to take care of yourself more and let Daddy have his little boy for awhile! Hang in there! You could ask your husband if he appreciates you. Sometimes they forget to tell us and we just need to ask, point blank. Again, hang in there!
Do you have a group of girl friends that you can hang out with, vent more, just get away from the house for awhile? Sounds like you are pushing yourself pretty hard. Any way of giving something up and just making time to get away from the house and playing, either with your son or without. I find that the only way the mess at my house doesn't drive me nuts is if I leave the house, go to the park, mall, somewhere where I don't see it. Out of sight, out of mind, at least for a little while. Again, hang in there!

Ruth

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i went through the same thing when my kids were that age. its just a phase. i even read about it in parenting magazines. after i learned that it was probably just a phase, the tables turned and my kids ended up favoring me more. now my 4 year old has evened out her" favoritism". i wouldn't worry about it, i felt the same way for a while but it changes. now for him not helping around the house... thats another story. its a very similiar story to many working mothers.to me, its all about how he was raised. now that he lives with you though and you have kids which brings on alot more mess he needs to get with the program. if you have already sat him down and told him how you feel over worked and underappreciated and his old habits die hard then my advice is to take a step back. do something for yourself. think about what you like to do as little as it may seem and set a time EVERY day or week and do it. even if the house is a mess,etc . Making the time to do something for YOU will give you time to relax,focus on yourself for once and make you a happier person in the long run. i go to jazzersize class for one hour 4-5 times a week. sometimes i bring the kids to the babysitter they provide but either way, its my time. before i started jazzersize i would go somewhere and read my favorite magazine where i wouldn't be bothered. your husband needs to help you as a team but changing him won't happen overnight. i hope i helped. trust me you're not the only one who has ever felt this way!--K.

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Dear P.,

I happened to be one of those rare, lucky women, who have a husband who dotes on me, and always shared the responsibility of our three children. Now, that being said, It sounds like I'm older than you. I'm 42, with a 20, 18, and 17 year old. So, I've been through the young years, etc. I absolutely DEMANDED that my husband help out. While we chose for me to be a stay at home MOM, it sounds like you've got some responsibility at home and outside of the home. This can be over-whelming. You need to ASK and DEMAND help from your husband. It's perfectly normal to feel jealousy. Your husband needs to pay attention to you, and feel damn lucky that you are willing to have his child, work inside and outside the home. Remember, he's lucky to have you as a wife. Remember your personal worth, and EXPECT and demand nothing less.

Sincerely,

M.

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P.,
I know how you feel, I am a mother of two girls, ages 8 and 6 and a son, age 5. At first, when i wasn't working, my kids paid a lot more attention to my husband when he was home. That's only becase he didn't see them as much as I did, he was the one that was getting missed because he wasn't home as much. Now, I work outside the home, and I also take care of the house. I cook and clean when i get home everyday after driving a school bus in the heat of the day...with no AC. Plus, my husband's brother and his mother lives with us, so I take care of her too, she is sickly, and requires alot of work...Thus is the life of a wife and mother. Believe me I understand. But, I also agree that your husband should be holding more responsability, you really do need to talk to him about it.

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Have you talked with your husband about this? I have been in the same situation, but my husband is my son's step-dad. It has always seemed to me that it might just be a male-bonding thing. I don't know but I also get jealous of my husband.

My son thinks that the only person to run to when he gets into trouble by me is his step-dad. But what he doesn't realize is that is that is not the solution for that. I sometimes have to warn him that if he doesn't listen to me, he will have to deal with his step-dad or his own father when he sees him.

If I were you, I wouldn't get stressed out about it, because it will hurt your body when it hits. I've been through that. Just maybe you need to work outside of the home and see if you can place your son in a child care facility to see if that would work. Then, you will notice that your son will not always cling on to his father.

I have been in your shoes and I still am. I really know what you are going through. My husband works nights, so I have a lot more time with my son than he does. But, when we are both home, the same things that are happening to you, happen to me.

Have a talk with your husband to let him know how you really feel. If you have and there has been no progress, think about yourself and talk with a close family member that might be able to give you some pointers.

I would tell your husband that he needs to help out with taking care of your son and to at least let you do the work that you need to get done without any problems. It should be a couple thing, not an individual. He should know that already.

But,if you do need anything, just give me a ____@____.com name is S. Brooks. (I have a 6 year-old son, named Zachariah.

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P.,
I believe most of the Moms I know, including myself, feel or have felt the EXACT SAME WAY!!! Validate yourself for doing what has been researched as the equivalent of two-and-a-half FULL TIME JOBS when you are an active/involved parent!!! The other thing you may be unaware of is the developmental fact that you have a two-year-old son that is identifying and role modeling his father!!!! That is what a typical developing little boy begins to do at his age!! IT IS A BUMMER FOR US MOMS when we do so much and feel so invisible just like the commercial on TV...have you seen it? I have a little boy that is 5yrs and a daughter that is almost two...so, I have to say I HAVE BEEN THERE...and little girls are so much different because they identify with Mom. HOWEVER, Thank goodness your son has an awesome relationship with his father because HE will be a better MAN for it!-A.

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I don't think that you are a horrible mom.You probably just need some "me time" or "mommy time".And I feel the same way sometimes.Talk to your husband if you dont feel that the chores are being split up evenly.It doesnt have to be an arguement,just confront the issue before it gets out of hand and you confront it out of anger and emotion.I also needed something to get away.Now I am an indepentent consultant for PartyLite.I get to have party's and get out of the house,make money,and get free candles.That may not be for you,but it seems to be working well for me!Well I just wanted to lift your spirit a little!And keep in mind,I think all moms feel the way you feel sometimes! :)

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Tell your husband to pick up after himself and your baby. Let him know it bothers you. SPEAK UP!! If he blows you off tell him you won't clean up his mess. As for your child preferring his dad, don't worry. It's normal. He sees you more than Dad. Have special days alone with your son like Kids day at the Mall(Mall of the Mainland). That is my special day with my daughter once a month. No matter how much time you spend with them at home, remember it's still work. YOu need a break to have fun with your child.

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You ARE underappreciated! It would be fine for your husband to go out, if you got to do it as much, while HE watched your son. Your son seems to prefer him because he already has you all the time, so he is inclined to spend other times with the parent he is with the least. Things do not seem to be balanced in your relationship and you BOTH need to compromise and take equal responsibility for your household, right now your relationship is about 70/30 with you doing most of the work. That is a quick way to get worn out and wear out your relationship as well!!!

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First of all you are not a horrible mom, if anything you are a great mom, any child would love to have their mom stay at home, it just sounds like you are stressed, and you need some time off! Second of all he is a boy, but I know that some boys are very attached to their moms but its kind of a good thing cause he will grow up to be a boy- if you catch my drift, not to be mean or anything- but that does'nt mean that you can't spend time with him as well. Third, you need to talk to your hubby too! If he is not helping you out at home while you're out on your other job, he needs to understand that it takes two and just because a woman has a lot of duties and he's a man does not mean he can just lie around, what type of role modle is he setting for his son? Our sons of today will soon be our men for tomarrow and we need all the men to have respect for our women as well as helping out. Any male that does what he is suppose to do and more is a MAN! Does he really want your son to grow up with women hating him? I'm sure he wants his son to grow up to find that special women who will take care of him as well as him taking care of a woman. I don't think your hubby wants your son to be alone for the rest of his life? So if he can understand how that makes you feel, that will change how your son acts around you, your hubby needs to realize that you gave your son life and he needs to respect you as well as need you. We all know that women live longer than men so why put his son in a lonely life with no respect, you should not have to fight for your sons conpanionship, your son should want you all the time just like he does his daddy.But like I said that doesnt mean he has to be with you all the time, try to set a schedule for a day out with you and your son only and not dad around. Or when dad is gone out the house try to play games with him, basketball, baseball, soccer, etc... whatever comes to mind just let your son know that he can spend time and have fun with you too.And let your son know how sad you feel when he doesn't want to be with you, hec, even let him help you out around the house, he might think thats fun, well I hope I didn't offend no one but I helped raise my lil bro from birth and believe me he is so attached to my mom it's actually annoying at times I can't even get him to spend the night at my house and he is 10 yrs old already! That's a real mommas boy, my step-dad tries to get him to be with him as much as he can, at times we make fun of him and say things like when he gets married he will have my mom live with him still or as he says, but we still love him the same of corse but we still consider him a mommas boy! But anyways your boy is still young and has alot to learn, and as for ou set a spa day for yourself to get all that stress off, even try to read a good book, that hepls me some times too, but no matter what the only way to get to your son is to get to your hubby first cause he sees and wants to be like dad!

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is this your first baby ? if so dont worry, boys always turn out to love momma, they are momma boys. i went through the same thing with my first son. His father wasn't even in the household and his first words were da da. I thought ..."some nerve", to think im here with you all day. have you ever thought that he may misses daddy because he doesn't see him all day. Never doubt yourself, a mother is the best person that a baby could have. Now to daddy having all the fun. Have you ever told him how you feel, eventhough he should know already, he cant read your mind. so tell him how you feel, if that doesn't work force him to help, i have to all the time. good luck.

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You are definitely not a horrible mom... don't be so hard on yourself. You are torn many different ways... I often feel the same way. Take some time for yourself.. have a girls night. I joined a bunco group about a year ago... so I always know (and dad and kiddo know) that there is always one night out of the month that I have "me" time. It's theraputic! My husband comes and goes freely... I often feel like I have to ask his permission to go somewhere... only because I have to make sure he can watch our 3 year old... crazy isn't it? Also.. it wouldn't hurt to let him know how you are feeling... communication is key.

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Sounds to me that you have no time to yourself. And I also went through the stage of being jealous of my first child when he was born and grew older. You know that broomstick, vacuum and laundry basket is one size fits all. You should sit down with your husband and tell him how you feel. Communication is very important when you are married and have kids. I was a neat freak and found that like you had no time to myself. I learned through therapy yep, that the dirt and dished and laundry isn't going any where if I didn't do it right then and there. Take time out for your self, you don't have to go out get a book, run the tub, light some candles and music and take the time. Only you can do this for yourself. It will only be more demanding on you as your child gets older, yet you do need to talk to your husband. He is sending your child a wrong message by not helping you. Teach your child to pick up after himself. He is old enough to pick up toys, give him little jobs to do with you. Like for instance, laundry, ask him to get the socks out while you are folding the other cloths and then sit with him and match the socks. Or with laundry while your husband is sitting there watching tv give him the basket and tell him while your just sitting there doing nothing humor me and fold these up. Also remember you have to take care of yourself. When I started on my ex-husband about the kids and help and time out for me I felt guilty, but then I realized I deserve this for myself. I felt I was a bad mom and then I thought no this will help me my patience.Get a baby sitter so you and your husband can go out one night a week as a couple

Wow I sympathize with your pain. Check out www.marriagetoday.org There you will find answers you need. It comes on DayStar at 9:00am on Sunday's. Also you must have a sit down talk with your husband and let him know how you are feeling. If he is unwilling to understand then he needs to re evaluate himself. Plus letting your son know who's boss is important. What you say goes b/c kids will push every button they know they can. Thanks hope it all works out.M.

Hey P.. Sounds llike your littke boy is wanting daddy time!! My 10 month old daughter does it to. When any body else is at our house she wants nothing to do with me. It hurts me when she does it but she wants to be with them also. I am with her daily just as you are with your little boy.
A.

P.,
If you are open to suggestions. If the second job is not necessary, please consider giving it up. If you need time away, then volunteer or work with some type of ministry. The stress of the responsibility will not be there. Helping others can be a refreshing experience instead of a stressful one.

As a single mom, I will say that you are blessed to be able to stay at home and watch your child grow. It is great that your son has a relationship with his Dad. Make sure you don't forget to have a relationship with your husband also.

As for feeling like you work all the time, and the underappreciated part, that unfortunately is how we all feel from time to time. I will come and go often. It would be great if you can find the time to talk to your husband about it. Pick a good time when he is in one of those reachable, quiet moods.

Most of all Focus in on your blessing.

I'll be keeping you in my prayers... hang in there!
R.

I understand where you are coming from.... I have a 4 year old girl and there have been times when she only wants her Dad and times when only I will do. During the times when she only wants to "have fun" with her Dad, it did hurt my feelings, even though I tried really hard not to take it personally. Hang in there, as your son gets a little older, he will better be able to express his appreciation for you too. The good news is that no matter what, this will all change, and likely improve with time and communication...I do understand though...take good care of yourself. - Kim

HELLO,
I JUST WANT TO LET YOU AS FAR AS THE KID AND THEIR DADDY THING GO IT REALLY DOESN'T GET A WHOLE LOT BETTER AS THEY GET OLDER. MY BOYS ARE 16,14,12 AND THEY ALL MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I AM NOT NEEDED INCLUDING MY HUSBAND WE JUST WERE TALKING ABOUT THIS LAST NIGHT AND HE HAS NO CLUE ABOUT WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT MEN ARE JUST CLUELESS. AND OF COURSE NOW HE IS MAD AT ME BECAUSE EVERYTIME I CALL HIM ON THINGS LIKE THIS HE GETS MAD AT ME AND TURNS IT ALL ON ME. BUT I TOLD HIM THE BOYS ARE TREATING ME THE SAME WAY YOU DO. IT IS REALLY LIKE I HAVE 4 TEENAGERS IN MY HOUSE. I KNOW THIS DOESN'T HELP YOU BUT IS DOES LET YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND THAT IT REALLY DON'T GET ANY BETTER AS THE BOYS GET OLDER. GOOD LUCK. C.

Pam, I dont think you need to seek professional help as was suggested in an earlier email. i am an air force wife and i understand. when they dont see daddy as much as they see mommy they naturally cling when the other parent shows up. but you are seeing all the moments, you get to be there. when i stayed at home, i had a habit of spending more time on keeping house than playing with my kids. now that i work, when i get home, i play more, my house looks horrible, but i have a better relationship with my children. and last but not least when baby wakes up in the middle of the night my money is on mommy for chief consoler you are loved, even if it's a little hard to feel right now.

Sounds like you need to schedule some you and baby time...It can be in the house or out of the house as long as there are not any distractions from daddy...Also it would be a good thing to get some away time for you..And i dont mean at work..How about a girls night out....Do you live in Plaquemine? I do..Please contact me if you want to schedule a play date..I have a 2 and half year old little girl..I know what you are going through--the job never ends...24/7 GOOD LUCK

Hi P., i read all the email people sent you , and well, i suppose they should of helped you out bye now. But the more important thing is, dont just read it, akt up on it!
If your outside job makes you breath, keep it. Tell your husband, that he comes to a clean home, and you want to come home to one ,too. Since your son seems to love spending time with him, half an hour before you come home from work they can play the 'clean up game' together.Good Luck!!!
And trust me , there are alot of woman out there that wish for their husbands to spend time with the kids, let your husband and your child know every day, that you like it for them to be friends. When i look at most men today, i hope that you are going to be one of the few woman that rase a responsible, helpful and understanding boy.

Have you tried discussing your feelings with your husband?

oh, honey, e-mail me privatly, i went through similar feelings. Not so much as far as being jealous with my daughter and her father's relationship, but all the resentment feelings your having and the unhappiness. I feel like when i had my daughter i became Kaily's mom and that was it. I completely lost myself and everything i enjoyed and things i liked. Her father frequently made plans without consuting me assuming i would just stay home with the baby and I know exactly how you feel. I love my daughter and I love being a mother, but the change was drastic and I feel like 90% of the responsibilities fall on my shoulders. Send me an e-mail and we can talk if you need to ____@____.com

Ok, well, I have 4 kids and there are definately times that they act like they don't appreciate me. I just flat out tell them how I feel. I try to say it so they can understand it. One reason why he might be choosing daddy over you is lake of respect for you. And that can be fixed by putting your foot down. HE is the kid and YOU are the parent. YOU should be making the choices, not him. YOU tell him what is for lunch. YOU tell him it is time for a nap, etc. Dont worry it is probably a stage that he will soon grow out of. You have to teach him to follow the rules and to respect those that are in charge. I is really tough, I know, trust me I know. You want to be remembered as the loving momma not the mean one, but you arent being mean. Just firm. Just a suggestion.

And about the other thing. I think that getting that second job might have been the best thing for you. I was a stay at home mom with four small children. I realized one day that I had completely lost myself. I didn't know who "A." was anymore. I ran into an old friend of mine that had gotten into Mary Kay and in a few short years had bought the house of her dreams because of it. (really!!! They live on 26 acres in crosby with a 3 acre lake on it!!!) I signed up and now that is how I support my family. See, I was in an abusive marriage and didn't see anyway out because daycare for 4 children would bancrupt me!!! It gave me the courage to leave and now I still get to say I am a stay at home mom, but I pay the bills!! I am also more than just a mother now. I actually have something that turned me back into "A." and I am a better mother because of it.

Good luck with all of it!!!

P., I know how you feel. My daughter has always made me feel like her daddy is the most important person in her life. I was always working. I also had two jobs, my husband was laid off. And I was doing all the housework, errands, anything extra-curricular with my kids while he sat watching tv. I finally was fed up. I quit one of my jobs. Gave him (husband) a choice between two different household chores that he was to take responsibility for. Now realize, all I wanted him to do was one thing. He chose to do the laundry. That was 8 years ago. He still does the laundry. I do the rest of the house work. We take turns doing 1 on 1 activities with the kids. Then we do activities as a family. But most importantly I did alot of praying. I found a church to go to. One that really showed they were involved and cared about kids & family. That gave my kids other kids to be around. As well as gave me new friendships. That was 7 years ago. We are very involved in church activities (specialty groups). We still manage to have time for jobs, family and friends. The key to gaining peace and to get rid of jealousy was to learn to put God first in my life. It didn't happen over night. But it did happen. One of my family's favorite places to be now is home together. We now love hanging out together. And our kids are now 17 & 11. I hope this makes you feel a little better to know it's ok to feel a little jealous of daddy, it will pass. And one day will come when your son will do something totally unexpected. And you will smile and know deep in your heart that he loves you more than you ever thought possible. Trust me it will come.