I Need Ways in Which I Can Entertain My Nine Month Old That Allows Me Time.

M., I went through what you're going through with my son not knowing how to play on his own. I recently bought the book "Secrets of the Baby Whisperer for Toddlers." I started implementing her advice and my son is WAY better at playing by himself now. What I didn't realize when he was really little was that he needed to start learning to play (or just be) by himself for periods from day one! We were always playing with him or holding him and it set a pattern that told him that he couldn't play unless we were right there. I highly suggest getting the book (and the first Secrets of the Baby Whisperer, too), but here are some brief tips of how to get him to play by himself based on the book:

1. Always allow him to figure out toys by himself without you "showing him" first. If he asks for help, give it, of course, but encourage him to try first. This will build his confidence in discovering things by himself.
2. Only put out one or two toys at a time. Too many toys can be overwhelming and cause them to get frustrated or overstimulated too quickly.
3. Start out slowly by giving him a toy or two and then you sit in a chair nearby. Praise him BEFORE he starts to whine. Even though he's not talking yet, he understands more than you might realize just by the tone of your voice. If he gets praise from you about playing by himself or figuring something out on his own, he'll be encouraged to keep doing it longer. This will take several days, but eventually you'll be able to start doing something else while you're in the same room with him and then eventually you'll be able to move out of the room (assuming he's in a safe place like his play pen). Just be sure to keep up with the encouragement and praise every once in awhile.

The author gives much more detail and helpful advice about the methods for this, but I hope that gets you started at least.

Also, I know some babies are walking at nine months (I hope for your sake yours isn't), so I just wanted to mention that I've noticed with my son that he will walk around almost aimlessly sometimes even when he has toys to play with and if I notice that he's getting frustrated easily I will set up one project in his crib or play pen (or coloring at the table) and it helps him to focus if he's physically "stuck" in one spot.

Here are some other "me time" tips that have helped me:
1. Take your showers at night after your baby is asleep so this is one less thing to worry about in the morning.
2. Make sure your son's bedtime is early enough to allow you time to yourself and significant other if applicable.
3. Nap (or lay down) during his naps (or at least one of the naps)! I know this sounds crazy when that might be the only time you have to get yourself ready or clean, but it does help with the stress and anxiety.

Good luck!

Hi M.,

I totally understand where you are coming from. My son was very attached to me when he was your son's age... and still is to a certain degree. Basically I would set up a play area wherever I needed him to be occupied so I could get something done, even if it was just take a shower. An exersaucer is great for this! I would also sing songs to him while he was playing and I was doing dishes, etc. And I'll say it: videos or PBS shows are great for a 30-minute break. Everyone on this site seems so worried about TV, but I think that if you keep it to a minimum and use it to expose your child to creative or educational shows, it's fine. You need to take care of yourself to be able to take good care of your son.

Another thing I did recently is hire a friend's 13-year-old daughter to come over once a week for a few hours. She will play with my son or do simple chores like fold laundry, that way I don't feel so overwhelmed. She gets a start with some easy babysitting experience in the process!

Hang in there - as he gets older and more independent someday you might turn around and wish he needed you again. ;)

It might be a good idea to put him in daycare a couple days a week or for a few hours a few days a week; if you can afford it of course. I was absolutely against daycare but I have since changed my mind. It gives you some time and gets him socialized which is very important because that’s how they learn to interact properly with their peers.

Since I was so against daycare I purchased a Superyard XT and extension kit from BabiesRUs to keep our son isolated to one area so I could do housework but it only lasted until he started climbing out and running (somewhere around 10-11 months old). You just put a few toys in there and let him play. He needs to learn how to play by himself too because you can't play all day.

There is also the option of including him in the housework by giving him something he can do along with you (i.e. if you are cooking or doing dishes you can give him a wooden spoon and a pot to bang on or if you are doing laundry you can toss him all the socks and let him play with them). When it comes to you taking care of yourself, there is nothing wrong with putting him in a pack-n-play or playard for a little while you do so.

Just a warning...do not put him in front of the TV for any length of time because it will only make things worse. When children who seek a lot of stimulation get put in front of the TV they get overly stimulated and start requiring it to sit still.

I also want to say that I totally understand how you feel with the anxiety and stress. It's hard to have a good balance once you become a mom and although other mom's look like they have it put together but we are all just as frazzled as you are from time to time. Best wishes.

It takes time... a lot of time sometimes, to "adjust" to being a Mom, albeit a first time Mom. Feeling as you do is very common... sure, Moms out there may look so put together and "sane" and in control. But, behind the scenes... being a Mom is very hectic, tiring, and sure, you have no time to yourself.

You need to carve out some time for yourself... tell you Hubby too.. it is VERY important to keep in touch with yourself... babies/children can get affected by "negative" vibes from Parents... so in this way, yes, it's important we be "happy" and take care of ourselves.

To do this... have your Hubby watch your baby so you can get away... for how ever long is manageable. OR, you simply need to get help... have a relative or friend or even get a baby-sitter come and help watch your baby so you can do your personal errands or personal care
appointments" and even going to the gym.

As your baby gets older, it WILL get more active...your baby will get more active. THUS, you need to get a method going now, so that you have something to look forward to. Sure, some will tell you that this is just what a Mom is so don't "gripe." BUT... all human beings, need solace too, and "me" time to keep healthy mentally and physically. Or, you may have to join a "Mommy & Baby" type of play group so you both can get socialization and interaction.

Each baby is different...some more clingy than others. BUT a baby is a baby...naturally they look to their Mom for any needs, including being a "playmate." They aren't doing it on purpose, it can't be helped they are so young. My firstborn daughter was more clingy... my 2nd child is more independent. To this day....my daughter still tends to be clingy. But now that she is older, she has matured out of it to an extent. My boy on the other hand is very self motivated and can entertain himself on his own, so my relief.

Babies also go through developmental phases... and separation anxiety (at about this time) and "stranger anxiety" etc. So, well, they will not like to be apart from you.

Still, understanding all these child development phases will help, because MANY phases are still to come. But, you need time for yourself too... and are feeling down about it.... so enlist other people to help you. You need to be proactive about this... ask, and you shall receive. Many times, people don't think of helping unless asked. Ask your Hubby too, even if it means making a "schedule" and coordinating your calendars to "block out" time for you to have "me" time. It is fair and not too much to ask.

All the best... do not worry, ALL Moms feel like this at some point, and it ebbs and flows. And, don't always feel like you HAVE to "entertain" every second of your baby's awake time. You don't.. .sometimes, just lay down on the couch and let him be and just cuddle. Also, when he naps... this is YOUR time to relax and just do nothing, absolutely nothing if you want.

Take care,
~Susan

Hi
I would try giving him some toys and getting him playing with them. Then when he is watching walk away. Come back when he starts crying (or play peek a boo- I still see you). Gradually extend the time you are away from him. Object permanence should set is soon, so he will realize that you still exist enven though he might not be able to see you. ALWAYS make sure he is safe, before you leave the room.

As for exercise, I LOVE www.babybootcamp.com It has helped me so much, and you get to take your baby with you, so you dont have to worry about the whole gym babysitting issue.

GOod luck

I would put my daughter in her highchair with some toys and bring it with me when I took a shower. I would have a nice shower and would sing, or talk, about anything, they don't understand, so as long as you keep a happy voice, they are fine. My daughter really liked that, until she was walking. The other thing I would do was put her down for a nap in her play pen and take a shower. If she woke up, she would cry, but I knew she was alright, and could relax in the shower. For a while, she wouldn't cry when she woke up, so that was nice. They do change a lot at this time, so the things that worked last week, don't always work this week...
Now my husband will switch off with me and let me sleep in on the weekends... =)
Good luck, and have fun.
R.

It sounds like you are looking for a healthy outcome for both you and your son.

It is so good that you are looking for that. The general overall wellbeing of a mother is a priceless investment to keep strong. I hope some of the following wisdom might work for you in addition to the wonderful recommendations other women are contributing here too.

First of all, the scriptures give a rule of thumb for joy. That being replenishing. Replenishing leads to joy in our posterity, so, naturally, depleting one's self leads to misery. The following four books are incredible gems in the replenishing department.

One of the best resources in validation is a book called I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better by Gary and Joy Lundgren. The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute gives the skills for building others productively. Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World by Glenn and Nelson is also fabulous. Total Nutrition for Breast-feeding Mothers by Betty Kamen, PhD., and Si Kamen is amazing.

The books I mention here will help you prepare the right frame of mind to work forward with. I hope you will consider them. Your boy will be blessed with people building skills like none other too. It was such fun to see my daughter using negotiation skills, validation, and win/win thinking as her speaking skills began emerging with other kids her age. How you view and build your son now as your work forward to replenish yourself really does make a difference.

Hi M., I have a few things you can do, that I did, but it is going to take you being strong enough to not give into crying, believe it or not a big percentage of babies that age crying is manipulation, and If you have no time for yourself or to do the things around the house you need to do, that tells me it is working. First of all you do not need to entertain you son 24/7, he needs to learn to play on his own, since he crawls, I suggest you get a playpen put some toys in there, and do what you need to do, that is what play pens were designed for, and do this daily, around the same time each day if possible, so it because a nirmal part of his day, he may cry and yell, but believe me there is nothibg wrong with him, he will be trying to manipulate, they all do it, so many mothers today are exhausted because they allow that crying to control them, I've been a mom for 24 years, back then the parents were parents and the kids were kids, and there was no misunderstandig about who was in charge, You can get one of those saucers with all the toys on it and let him pkay in that sometimes, but you dod need to take care of you, being a first time mom at 37, I'm sure you are tired, also when your hsband gets home he can take over for an hour so you cab go shooping or take a bubble bath, that's what my husband did for me, he was in the military, and he came home from work tired, but he loved spending time with the kids, so I could have time to myself. One more thing have a set nap time, I used to get alot of stuff done during their nap time, I am a Dayacare provider, I have 6 kids during the day, and they all lay down at nap time, and that is my time for me. Hope this helps. J.