Hi Moms,
I am very angry with my father in law. My husband has not spoken to his parents in several months, and his father is blaming me. He thinks I do not allow my husband to talk to them! Wow, such power he gives me - truly unbelieveable! Of course, I have absolutely no control over whom my husband does not speak.
The reality is that my father in law is the reason my husband does not talk to them - not me. But he chooses to blame me. Here is the problem (if that's not problem enough) - as frustrating and unfair it is that my father in law blames me, what is completely unacceptable is that my father in law is voicing his blame to my own father!!!!! How dare he badmouth me to my own father (or anyone in my family)!!!! Did he really think my father wouldn't tell me? Did he really think there would be no consequences for him badmouthing his daughter in law to her own father??? This must stop, and I am going to put an end to it.
Here's my question - how do all of you suggest I handle this? Thanks.
There is only one person who can put an end to this and it isn't you. Its your DH. He needs to get on the phone tonight to tell his father exactly why he isn't talking to him. He is a grownup so it is time to start acting like one and stop letting his wife take the blame for his actions.
My response would be NOT to respond. He's doing this tattling thing to make you get upset with him, so he can blame you. Set your own dad straight, let your husband know what happened, and then let it go. If he's delusional that it's your fault, you are NOT going to be able to enlighten him. Your FIL's got to deal with your husband, not you. My guess is that he did something provocative in order to get a response. I know you are feeling angry, but let your FIL deal with his own BS with his son. THAT is what he needs to address.
If your husband hasn't been straight with his dad about why they aren't speaking, then it's time for him to come clean. He shouldn't let you take the blame and he does need to "man up" and deal with what he's avoiding. This is between the two of them--- let your husband take it from here. I can assure you that if you go in with a confrontational attitude and your husband isn't on board already, it won't end well.
And if your husband can't seem to defend you to his father, time for a little counseling. Sorry.
Your husband needs to do it NOT YOU!!! If he's pissed he needs to say he's pissed and why, and also he needs to defend you!!! It's not your place. Remember blood is thicker then water!!
Were you planning on having your FIL killed?
Sorry... but having dealt with a lot of crazy over the past few years... you can't stop crazy.
You can remove yourself from the situation, and refuse to allow crazy into your life... but you can't make another person stop being nuts. Or stop gossiping. Or stop ANYTHING they don't want to stop.
From having lived with a master manipulator... it sounds like, on the contrary, the "consequences" you seem to be thinking about, are exactly what your FIL is looking for, not consequences. He's gotten you mad enough to start a dialogue between you/him/his son. Ummm.... ? Which isn't a consequence. It's a reward.
Unless you want him running to your dad every single time he wants to get your goat, don't react. Your dad can block his number if he likes.
The answer is:
Your HUSBAND, himself, needs to tell YOUR Dad, personally... that it is not YOU nor your, fault. That his Dad... is blaming you, unfairly.
That is what needs to be done.
Your HUSBAND, has to tell your Dad.
AND tell his Dad, to BACK OFF.
Then, do not interact with your FIL and your Husband already does not want to interact with his own Dad anyway.
Your FIL is off the wall.
And he is telling your own Dad.
So your Husband needs to... TELL your Dad what the REAL TRUTH IS.
Your husband needs to man up and talk to his dad - that's how you handle it!!!!
You can't control what your FIL thinks or says. However, your husband SHOULD set him straight. I would ask your husband to handle this. He could simply say,"Dad, the other day you told (your name)'s father that my wife does not allow me to communicate with you. That is not true and I wish you would not say untrue or mean things about her."
Honestly? I'd suggest you have broad shoulders - let him say what he wants. You know the truth. Your husband knows the truth. Your dad now knows the truth. I wouldn't put another thought into what this curmudgeon has to say about you. Support your husband's choice not to speak to him and let the rest go.
...and have a wonderful holiday!
Your husband needs to set his dad straight.
I suggest that the best way to get this to stop is to not pay attention to it. Does your father believe him? If not, what's the harm. If your father is asking you if it's true then talk to him. You have no control over your FIL. I know of no way to make him stop.
You do have control over your reaction to this. You can find a way to shrug it off. You know it's not true. Truly, why does it matter what your FIL thinks?
I do agree that, if he hasn't already, your husband needs to tell his father why he isn't speaking to him.
I also suggest that not speaking to someone sounds rather childish especially if he's not told him why he's angry and not speaking to him. One can be civil without creating the anger that not speaking causes. Make a distance, yes, but let the other person know why you're doing so.
Yeah, um, been there, done that, got the T-shirt that says "don't poke the crazy", went on high blood pressure meds and lived to tell the story.
For me it was my mil, after my FIL died, she told so many lies about all three of her kids, to people that we loved and loved us. Truth is, she has a mental illness that causes her to do these things. She has finally offended everyone she knows and lives with her brother who had her sign over the will and everything she owns to him.
She has Borderline personality disorder. Look up the symptoms on BPDfamily.com. See if it fits your FIL. If it does fit him, the best you can do is avoid him and protect your family. There are great workshops and lessons on boundaries on that site. People with this problem tend to find someone to paint as the bad guy. In their minds, they could not handle the reality that they have offended their son so bad he won't talk to him, so he must find someone else to blame, enter you.
I could be totally wrong. Your call.
Make your husband talk to him. He created this. Let him explain to your Father-in-law that it is not your fault that the two of them are not talking.
Ignore it. You and your hubby know the truth and so does your FIL. He's blaming you because it's easier to do that than to own his part in whatever caused the falling out.
To react at all is to give your FIL satisfaction. Hard as it is, I have learned to ignore the rantings of idiots. Once they see that they didn't get a rise out of anyone, they move on to the next target.
This is really not just your FIL's fault, mom. It's your husband's fault too. He's letting you be the fall guy and that's not fair to you.
You should insist that your husband clear the air with his parents. That doesn't mean that he should stop being mad. He's clearly mad enough about something that he has walked away. But he needs to man up and tell them why, and that it has nothing to do with you.
He also needs to go to YOUR dad and tell him as well.
If your husband weren't allowing this, it wouldn't have gotten to this point.
I'd be mad at my husband as well as my FIL, if I were you.
Dawn
I think that he can say whatever he wants to another grown-up. That grown-up can respond however he/she wants. If he doesn't say it to you or your children, you needn't respond to him at all. What did your father have to say to him about it? Be thankful that he is talking to people who know you.
If anybody should be talking to him, it's his son, and he's not. Being blamed for stuff like this is so par for the course as a spouse. Anything that a person does that seems different to others will be attributed to the association with the spouse. As annoying as that can be, it's rarely a good idea to run off defending ourselves every time something comes up.
Do you and the kids have relationships with him? Do you still talk to him? Just keep on doing that; it will play itself out.
Your husband needs to grow a pair and set his dad straight. His dad, his responsibility.
In this kind of situation really all you can do is let go and let God. Meaning anything you do at this point would probably only make matters worse. So, just just pray about it and God will work it out. The devil is busy coming in
between your family and loving every minute of it. So, fight fire with fire and pray (the Lord's Prayer is a good start).
Your husband's father and your father seem to be on speaking terms.
You didn't mention what your father said in response.
You also didn't mention WHY you are angry with your husband's father.
You did say, in your own words: "This must stop, and I am going to put an end to it". Sounds like a powerful to me.
More information is needed before anyone can provide a solution to your family problems. What happened?
You need to sit your husband down and talk to him and tell him he may have to have a talk with his father and tell him hey he's the idiot that is causing the problems between them not you!
I would write a very thought out letter explanning that you do not control who your husband talks to, keep anger out of it. I would also talk to your husband about maybe writing hem a letter explaining why he does not speak to his dad. Just my suggestions.
I think your DH needs to clearly state to his parents why HE chooses not to speak with them and that he expects that his father will cease to badmouth his wife to her own father.
I would ask your father to simply enforce boundaries with FIL in that he doesn't entertain FIL's venom. It's not good for him or you. Your dad can simply say, "FIL, I understand you are upset with my DD, but that's something you need to discuss with her and your son. This topic is closed."
I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but your husband should have stepped up to the plate. I think you need to ask your husband to speak to his father about the issue and be frank about why he doesn't wish to speak with his father. If it was your father, I think you'd be the first to address it yourself as you seem to be a pretty frank and practical person. And honestly, with the situation, it's not going to get any better (probably only worse) if you try to talk to your father-in-law yourself. He's probably just going to take it as yet another way you interfer with things in his point of view if not worse.
