Having a Parent/spouse Who Responds to Anxiety with Anger and Blame

Definitely not going to defend your husband for how he treated his son. But after reading just your title I said to myself that behind anger you will quite often find fear, frustration and anxiety as the root cause. I think it is pretty common.

Just an example from my own life: Sometimes when I am transferring my husband from bed to wheelchair or wheelchair to toilet chair, etc he will misstep or step before I am ready for the weight shift or just have a loss of balance and we almost fall and it takes all my strength to hold him up. My first response is anger. I'm not proud of it and I always apologize. But I will tell you that my future life actually does flash before me in that one instant. I see us falling. Him getting hurt. Me sitting in the hospital waiting for a bunch more brain surgeries, then rehab and Dr appointments. I see me getting hurt and having no one to take care of my husband or son. I see us losing our life savings because my insurance is so crappy. I see the next 30+ years of me taking care of him and trying to hold up a disabled old man when I am an old woman. In other words, I show anger to my husband in these instances but behind it is definitely fear and anxiety.

I try to catch myself at other times when I am angry about something and ask myself, "what am I afraid of?" There is usually some logical ,or not so logical, answer.

Like I said, this doesn't excuse the behavior, but might help you to understand it more. You can't change the ex but you can explain to your son that behind dad's anger is almost always fear.

i'm fortunate in not having family who acts like this, but yes, i've certainly know people over my life who have, and it sucks.
i'm sorry your son got subjected to that, and has to learn to deal with his dad's clear dysfunction.
i don't think it's a hill worth dying on. as you say, your ex has always been this way (have i mentioned lately how glad i am that you finally, finally, got out?) and he'll always be your son's dad.
of course it will impact your son negatively, and how awesome is it that his mom recognizes it and can validate his hurt and anger over it, and that you've got him in counseling to help him develop tools that will allow him to cope with it.
but i don't think you should intensify the focus on it. it's already big and miserable enough, and so long as your son knows that a) it wasn't his fault and b) you hear and understand him vis-a-vis his dad's blaming, i don't think it will be helpful to make it an ever Bigger Thing.
something along the lines of 'i'm so sorry you were made to feel as if it were your fault. but you know better, don't you? you have to let that stuff kind of go in one ear and out the other. let's discuss some ways it could have been handled so you feel more confident moving forward.'
pretty much what you did, right?
khairete
S.

Ugh. I feel for you.

I've seen that in a couple of situations in our family. I grew up with a mother who went through periods of depression and who had the up-and-down behaviors that are similar to bipolar disorder. She was never diagnosed so I can't use that as a definite cause, but I'm saying the behaviors were there. Nothing I did was ever good enough - no grades, no achievement, no nothing. She always could o it better, or could have done it better if she'd ever had the chance. Yes, it affected our relationship and my self-esteem until I was old enough to get into counseling and see her for who she was. I learned to forgive her, but not trust her.

My stepkids grew up with an insecure mom who retreated a lot from life's stresses. She took long walks, leaving pretty young kids home alone to function with an oven. If she took them through a McDonald's drive-thru, she often forced the kids to order because "I don't want to talk to those people." One kid now does all the care taking of her mom (emotional - there are no health issues) and the other has become so dependent (needing money all the time because she lost everything with her abusive, gang-banger, drug dealer husband). The first child is in an emotionally abusive marriage (stalking, accusing, and one serious beating), and the second is now in a domestic violence shelter. We were not able to intervene much because, at the time, the courts always sided with the mother, who always blamed my husband and me for her stress.

My husband had a very rare tumor called a paraganglioma (endocrine tumor, non-cancerous) that produced stress hormones on an epic scale. His anxiety level increased but it was treated as a mental health issue. Only when his BP skyrocketed and heart symptoms developed, but he was lacking other signature symptoms, did they search for another cause. This tumor is the sort of thing that doctors study but rarely ever see in patients. But the result was the type of behavior you describe - blame everyone else, for big stuff and little stuff. Example: we were in the kitchen on either side of the dishwasher, with him at the sink and me collecting various dirty dishes and putting them in. I left the room, and 10 minutes later came back to him putting all the dishes away and showing me one that didn't get clean. I said, "But they're dirty - they haven't been run off yet." And the yelling started because I hadn't told him these dishes were dirty. Irrational.

Maybe your ex finds the blaming is the only way he can have some control over a situation where he has none? Or where he feels he has none? The fear of "what could've happened" takes over the ownership of having caused some of the problem, or all of it. Helping your son see that, in a warped way, his father's love for him took over and came out as anger.

You have your son in counseling, and you know you have these issues with his father. He's also at the teen years which add hormones and whatnot to the mix, plus he's still getting used to your separation from your husband. You have older kids, so you know that kids sometimes feel persecuted. And the guilt-tripping over not having a phone is typical.

I guess the only advice I would have is to work with the therapist about how much you call this "Dad's stress" - because everyone is stressed, at least some of the time, but not everyone responds with outbursts and blaming. So you might elevate the language a bit to "Dad suffers from anxiety" or something similar (and I realize you don't have a diagnosis), to let your child know that this is a condition that causes extreme reactions that are illogical. It's not okay. Dad's a grown-up and you have no right to force him into seeing a doctor, but it's not your fault or your kid's fault. It's okay for a kid to learn that a parent can be wrong. You don't want to blame Dad's upbringing, because that may affect your son's relationship with his grandparents. And it just perpetuates the cycle of blame. Perhaps there's a way to help him detach more from his father at these moments, the same skills one needs to walk away from other situations he'll encounter (name it: kids using/offering drugs, underage drinking, relationships that make you feel bad about yourself, unreasonable bosses). Part of the pain of growing up is seeing people with their warts and faults - it sucks, but it's part of the maturing that will also bring many new privileges, experiences and insights of a positive nature.

I also think you're doing great work helping him brainstorm that, while he has no ownership in the problem of being left there), he does have some ownership in not using some critical thinking skills to get out of it. The answer is not just "I need a phone" - he would need those same skills if his own phone had no signal or no battery, or if he left it at home or dropped it in the sink.

Wishing you peace and strength.

JB

Your husband has a point about the rink?! WHY did your son not speak up? Why did he NOT call someone and say HELLO!? No one from my team is here. I'd love to know the answer to that one. Your son is hold old? Twelve? He should have known to call.

I too would be angry that he, at the age of 12, didn't bother to call and say "there must be some mistake" especially after 90 minutes.

Did your ex-husband react properly? Most likely not. He views himself as perfect and infallible most likely. Are things avoidable? Yes. Does it mean accidents won't happen? No. Tell your husband he needs to apologize to HIS SON for blaming him for HIS mistake. Your son needs to take accountability for his actions as well, he should have called before 90 minutes.

Is this a hill worth dying on? No. Your son is old enough to accept that is a character flaw in his dad. I would reiterate to my son that he should NOT sit around someplace for more than 15 minutes, if he believes he is in the wrong place. He needs to speak up.

To an extent my husband might do something like that, and has done similar things. Apologizing does not come easily to him, and he is very defensive. We were married for at least 15 years before I ever heard him use the word sorry. I agree with Nervy that for some people admitting fault is like cutting off an arm, that's been my experience with my husband. Your ex's behavior is a defense mechanism, and it's annoying as hell. Good thing he's your ex.

Yes, your son will survive this. It's good that you can explain that that's how dad is, and that it's not your son's fault. I think your comments to your son should be something like Suz's suggestion. Sadly, your son is still going to feel hurt by his dad's immature overreaction. It's good that he can discuss it in therapy if he needs to.

At least you can model appropriate behavior to your son. Hopefully he won't grow up to mirror his dad's ways.

We can't make everything perfect for our kids; no kid receives absolutely perfect parenting. And you couldn't change your ex when you were with him, and you're certainly not going to be able to do it now. But "good enough" parenting is usually fine. Try not to worry about it too much. Sorry about your ex. What a douche.

I can only post from my own experience, JB, but yes, it does damage the relationship.

Speaking hypothetically, there are only two responses a child is likely to have in this situation. The first, very reasonable one, is anger and possibly a sense of helplessness. If they are inclined to internalize that anger, it can lead to behavioral or emotional issues now or later on down the line.

The second response is outward anger at his father and emotional detachment.

We have to remember that their brains are not fully developed at this point and it's a tall order to ask a kid to find empathy or understanding for someone who is blaming them, even if it is an anxious parent. Consider: at work, would we adults find the same empathy toward an anxious coworker who had thrown us under the bus, or would we just be furious at them?

I think you have to give the child room to have *whatever* sort of feeling they have and not to dismiss it. I think we also have to ensure that we don't make the mistake of expecting our children to cope on a higher level of maturity than we do the spouse/adult in question. Were I in this same situation, I would empathize with Kiddo, "Yeah, it really didn't make sense that he blamed you. And we now have a plan, so you will be okay because you will know what to do if this happens again." State the facts without explaining Dad too much. When we are upset and angry that someone has been mean to us, we don't really want much of an explanation, we want validation that what we deem 'not normal' isn't, in fact, normal. Their sense of rightness and reality needs confirmation, otherwise we get caught up in trying to occlude the situation to 'make it better' for everyone. "If only my kid understood that dad didn't mean it." That's a crazymaking triangulation where you can wind up being overly protective of a person who needs to deal with the consequences of their actions: namely, the dad.

I'd stick with the counseling. You have a history with your ex where you have been more than tolerant, patient, etc.-- more than I ever would have been, frankly. Child psychologist and author Bruno Bettelheim stated in his book (A Good Enough Parent) that kids can do okay with ONE good-enough parent. That they will be okay in the long run. I think counseling will help, not to undo, but to heal. To change dynamics, both parties have to be committed.can tell you from my own experiences that sometimes a parent's choice not to change their patterns of engagement and behavior can lead to estrangement .At some point, we become our own adults and realize that the only person making us put up with this shitty behavior from someone else is ourselves.

I don't want to sound like the bringer of doom or anything, just being realistic. Hopefully your ex can find a way to stop blaming when he is scared or upset. It can create hyper-vigilance or anxiety in our children. Admitting fault is akin to cutting off an arm for some- it triggers defense mechanisms perhaps that person learned during their own childhood. It's such a shame that we can't be kinder to ourselves and each other.

ETA: I want to add that other posters addressed the one situation you mentioned regarding the hockey practice. I think I was trying to address the bigger, deeper question you asked in regard to the dynamics overall. Yes, it would have been great if your kid had had the presence of mind to make the phone call when he realized he was at the wrong place. Some kids really, truly don't. My guess is that, when there's this much complication emotionally from so much, that nothing is as clear cut as it seems. Everyone brings their baggage to the party, so to speak. I'm not excusing your son's actions/inaction, just keeping in mind that sometimes, it goes far deeper.

My ex husband is like this too. I kind of assumed it was a Catholic thing, you know, the old saying, if something bad happens to you then you must have deserved it. He did it with me AND our kids. Glad I'm not living with that kind of negativity anymore.
The kids, have, over time, started seeing this as a problem of his, not theirs, but it's still hard for them :-(

It is a shame that your ex is not a nicer guy, and it sounds like he makes some strange comments (like the "weak stomach" remark you mentioned).

But in this specific example, your son was totally in the wrong!! First of all, at age 12 he is old enough to be responsible for his own schedule - he should have recognized that he was being dropped off at the wrong rink when they arrived (here in NYC a 12-year-old might be taking the subway by himself to travel to the rink alone...definitely old enough to be aware of the location). Secondly, he compounded the "risk" of further problems by being so petulant, just sitting there doing nothing for two hours. (Also - Hockey is probably not "free", right? Maybe if he was paying for it out of his own allowance he would not be so cavalier about missing a practice.)

It sounds like your ex reacted out of fear and frustration. Which, in this one example, I think was not way out of line.

He's your EX most likely for several reasons - this is one of them.
Other than sympathizing with your son, you might want to say that some people are here to be examples of how not to be - and unfortunately his dad is one of those people.
You want to be careful not to run your ex down - but at the same time tell your son that you don't think it's appropriate and you HOPE he will not copy that behavior later on as he grows up.

Sure. I'm going to guess that that person has a family history of a parent blaming and then punishing them for even trivial behaviors. So, as quickly as they can, they deflect blame.

I think one way to address this is to stay calm with something happens, to make it "safe" for that person who has this issue to say: Yes, I screwed up...without fear of punishment.

Speaking as someone whose mother didn't speak to her for 3 days cause I broke a towel rack, I can tell you that does a number on you when you become an adult. In my case, tons of anxiety ..and I see in other members of my family deflecting problems and assigning blame inappropriately.

They both could have done better. But your ex is the adult here, and he should have acted like one. The same message about speaking up and asserting one's self to find a phone could have been delivered with kindness by your ex. There is no excuse for yelling and name-calling.

It sounds like your son has already recognized the behavior pattern and isn't taking it personally.

Since he is in counseling already I would make sure he has ample opportunity to set some of the agenda with the therapist. He may bring it up in a session on his own if he is still upset about it. I think what you told him was good. If he brings it up again I would encourage him to ask his counselor to help process that circumstance.

oh this sucks. this is my ex-husband to a "T".

I divorced him. It was hard, because even **THAT** was my fault.

Your son SHOULD have called. But for dad to blame him for taking him to the wrong rink? WRONG!

Your husband is just wrong. Hopefully your son will recognize your husband's behavior are his shortcoming and not your sons.

Your son needs a phone though. Instead of waiting until his birthday in the spring, how about getting him one for Christmas or Hanaka. If this happen to my child, he would have had a phone that night.

Hi J.B.,
I wonder if it is helpful when you explain your ex to your son. I am very glad that you have a counselor to check in with and I think this particular incident is worth discussing. I would suggest you ask the counselor what you should do, or not do, that will be helpful. I may be so wrong here, but I think there may be a dynamic where your husband always feels the blame (an shame) and then deflects the blame. I wonder if there is another dynamic you could use to respond to your son, with support, but less explaining your ex's behavior. All my best.

what does the counselor say about dad and how his actions are affecting your son? maybe talk to them and see if you can add in a session with you to talk about it with son and then a second session with dad to show dad a better way to handle his issues so as not to ruin his relationship with his son.

Wow, that is so mean. I feel so bad for your son. If it were me I would be honest with my son about the fact that his dad does this...it's something he has always done and it is not very nice. If it were me I would send my ex a letter telling him how mean this was. He will drive his son away in life. Yes it will affect your son and I believe it will damage their relationship - even if he logically knows his dad is flawed and does this when he is upset. I guess it depends on how sensitive your son is.

My 'ex' was exactly the same way. Suppose there's a coincidence that they are both our 'exes'????