I'll try and sum this up as quickly as possible. I have a dear friend who is also a neighbor. All my neighbors on my block are also friends and all our children are roughly the same age. They play every day together.
My one friend’s son is very aggressive towards all the kids. And not just a typical rough and tough boy...he's 3.5 yrs old so he's young...but old enough to know better. He will simply walk up to another child and push them over for no reason or he'll whack them upside the head with a stick, bat, golf club, etc.
Sadly, many neighbors have discussed his behavior and how the parents needed to use more discipline with him. But you can't really tell a parent how to discipline their child.
Anyhow, I'm feeling a bit guilty because the parents of this boy have overheard me (and possibly others) talking about their son.
I do feel terrible about this as he is only 3.5yrs old. He's just a child. But I also hate seeing my child or other children getting hit for no reason and a lot of times hurt (he has purposely thrown sand in their faces and purposely pushed them down on the concrete).
So my need for advice is...it was just brought to my attention that my friend is feeling like a neighborhood outcast now. I feel bad and I want to talk to her...problem is there are ALWAYS kids around or other neighbors. Her husband isn't very attentive to the kids so it's not like I can ask her to lunch with just us. So is it cowardly to send her an email to tell her I don't want her to feel like she has to bring her son inside all the time now and not be outside with us. Also, how do I approach that. I am feeling guilty because I have heard she overheard me. I probably should have talked to her instead of being gossipy as I am not one to gossip usually (this is why!)and don't want her to think we're all talking about her behind her back (even though truthfully we are). I know I would hate it if I found out everyone had a problem with my child though. It would be heartbreaking. I value her friendship and don't want it ruined by this. I also don’t want her child to not be able to play outside…he juEDIT: I should clarify...the things I was saying about her son were mainly how I told my daughter who is only 4 to fight back so he won't continue to beat her up for no reason. I also mentioned how I feel like I am more stern with her son when disciplining him than with the other kids because he deliberately hurts the other kids where-as the other kids it's typically an accident. We do all discipline each others children if the other parent doesn't see what happens but if she's out there she tries to discipline him but she's very soft with him.
We do go on playdates but her children require lots of attention (she has an 9month old as well who she literally has to hold ALL the time and he won't go to anyone else). Because of that no one ever wants to watch their kids. I have watched them on a few occasions and it's too much to handle to be honest. Her husband refuses to be left with the kids. Seriously. I tried to take her to get her nails done this weekend and her husband refused to watch the kids so we could go do that. Plus I'm pregnant so I can't be going out for drinks. So, I swear I'm not making excuses...it really is that complicated to get her alone or together. All of our yards back up toa park so it's near impossible to just have it be us outside. And all of the kids are close in age (from 3-5)
And I have been that mom. My daughter is super accident prone and I heard that they were all "joking" about me having Munchausen Disease. That REALLY hurt my feelings so I know how bad that sucks. I do want to talk to her face to face but it seems like it will be a long time before I get a chance to do that.
st needs to learn to not be so aggressive.
I actually just pulled her aside last night and had to deal with many interruptions by the kids. So it was totally nothing. She didn't even know what I was talking about. She said she was not upset with me or anyone else. That the only thing she said to this other neighbor was that she felt badly because she felt like her kid was the neighborhood bully. She said she knew people talked about his behavior and she said she did know I had mentioned my daughter should fight back...but that wasn't over heard...I TOLD her that myself. And it wasn't just about her kid it was about all the kids. Soooo I was upset and worried and feeling terrible and it was for nothing. Phew! I did apologize still and did tell her that it wasn't like anyone was bashing her or her son that it was just discussion like we all talk about each others kids and everything. soooo thanks for the advice ladies! :)
No email. Find a way to talk face to face. You owe her that. If she's a "dear friend" she will hear you out. Apologize for gossiping and express that you want her child to be included in all activities but a lot of the parents (including you) are concerned about his aggressive streak. See if you both agree that all moms are free to correct all kids as they would their own...
I wouldn't send an email. Since you "heard" that she overheard you.... maybe you could ask the mom/ neighbor who let you know to watch out for the kids while you nonchalantly (sp) pull her aside and have a chat. OR you could invite her over for a one on one playdate in your backyard. This way the kids can play while the two of you have a chat. Be gentle with her, let her know that you value the friendship you have, but express your concern for your child/children's safety.
I would talk to her face to face about this situation. I understand both of your perspectives here, but mostly the other mom. My son is special needs, and when he was that age, he was very aggressive due mostly to sensory issues and a speech delay. I'm the outcast mom in my neighborhood and have been in every neighborhood we've lived in. It's not always lack of discipline either; some kids struggle more than others despite typical disciplinary measures. I'm sure people on my block talk about me and my family, and they all have get togethers in their yards and do not invite us. So I know how she feels about hearing all of you talking about her behind her back. It's extremely hurtful to think you're doing the best you can and still be judged.
Sorry but you need to talk to her face to face. Maybe over coffee, tea or a lunch at your house so you can apologize. I would rather someone tell me to my face. She will respect you more. I would never send it in a email that is not personable at all. And when you talk to her do not throw others under the bus. This will only make things worse. Good luck!
Please do not send her an e-mail. Just try to talk to her. If I thought people
were talking about me behind my back, I would not be happy. Could it
be there are just two many older kids and he feels intimidated. Maybe
two or three kids his own age would work better. Just be very tactful in
your suggestions. Good luck.
You need to find a way to speak with her alone.
Her husband can watch their son one evening for a couple of hours while you 2 go for a margarita.
Be honest with her and apologize that you are sure she over heard your conversation. Tell her you never wanted to hurt her feelings, but were just frustrated and afraid of telling how you feel.
Then tell her how you have felt. How it feels when her son hits other kids and it feels to you. lIt concerns you that maybe he must not understand how serious his actions are because he continues to do this. Also mention that you all love spending time with them, but it makes you nervous that a child may be seriously hurt and that would be terrible.
We had a very close group like your neighborhood when our children were babies all the way till high school.. As a group, we were pretty much on the same page about expectations for behavior. If we noticed someone else's child upset , whoever was closest would comfort that child. If the child became angry frustrated, whatever again any of us would help that child. If a child hit, pushed yelled, we all would use the same types of corrections.
"Ryan, we do not hit. Looks like you need to come and sit down".. Or "Ryan we do not hit, what do you say to Rachel?" "Suzie, Ryan was riding the motorcycle. Will you please share in 2 minutes? Ryan, look how nice Rachel is, she is giving you a turn. Rachel give me a high 5. "
"Sand is not for throwing. If you throw sand, you will not be able to play in there for the rest of the night. "
The more we all did this, the better easier it was. I think we learned a lot from each other and our children were all on the same page.
I know you feel bad and you would never want to hurt any ones feelings, but now it falls on you to apologize and let her know your concerns..
You pay for the drinks.. Hee, hee...
If you do choose to do an email, I would start with, I owe you a huge apology! I have embarrassed myself and I have hurt you and I really feel awful about it. I should have spoken to you face to face, but it has been very hard to get you alone and I do not want to cause you any further hurt feelings. I understand if you choose to have nothing more to do with me, but i hope we can work this out. I would love to sit with you and discuss my inappropriate comments. again I apologize for using email for this, but I truly want you to know how awful i feel. ...then let her contact you. If she does want to know exactly what was said, you have to buck up and tell her what your comments were. Embarrassing, uncomfortable, & a big life lesson! Those who live in glass houses should get dressed in the basement! :D hope this helps.....Oh as for the whole kid thing, I have a 3.5 yr old & he doesn't hurt other kids, but does try with his sister & i try to word it a bit different & it stopped. I told him that i will not allow him to hurt MY DAUGHTER. That my job is to protect my kids & if he can't control himself playing with her, then I will keep them seperated to keep her protected. So far, I have not had anymore incidents. He saw her as my daughter & not just his sister. so perhaps if this kid has been talked to perhaps you can interveen & state to him that it is not acceptable for him to hurt YOUR child & then he will see it as him against you or hurting you & not another peer. Just make sure your friend doesn't freak out. Best of luck...bad situation for sure.
my child is like that and i regret letting her get away with it when she was that age because i thought that she was young but wrong.you better let your friend knows that theres nothing wrong with his child but he should start learning not to hit and at his age he should get a time out everytime he's going to do it ,or teach him to apologize,its not good to embarass the kid infront of the other kids so she should approach her kid and explain and let him know that she is have the authority over him through changing the the voice tone.let her know that you are and others are not judging her kid,you are just worried that he will bring this as he grow older.and set example of your own kid or you maybe when you were little,just to get her into flow that you are concern to her and her kid.and let her know that other kids are kinda getting scared to be hurt but they loved to play with her kid still.hope it will work,and with regards to your kid,tell them not to fight back but go straight to your friend and tell exactly how they are hurt,this will soften any moms heart that eventually she will feel for the other kids that being hurted by her own kid...i hope this will work! and you have to do it soon,bec yu dont want something worse will happen...and if it doesnt work ,well i think you have the right to say something to that kid you are not going to lay hands on him anyway, just let him know that he CANT hit your child,ITS BAD!
Wow! It sounds like this woman is totally and completely overwhelmed! She's dealing with a clingy baby, a wild, undisciplined toddler ,and a totally WORTHLESS JERK of a husband!
She sounds like she is desperate for help in a desperate situation, but doesn't know how to get it. She must feel absolutely trapped and alone!As a dear friend (and it sounds like you really are, despite making a mistake with the gossip), try to find some way to give her some relief, and then maybe she would be open to suggestions about disciplining her children.
I like the wording of the suggested email another poster provided; you need to get her away from her children, and this may be the best way to start. You could also offer to get a babysitter to come watch her children while you go out for coffee. Is her birthday coming up? Might make a great birthday gift. Don't even mention her child-raising unless she brings it up. She needs to relearn how to trust you again, because she desperately needs you.
In time, maybe she will be more open to you and the other mothers helping with disciplining her son.
Don't let her drop you as a friend. She needs your support!
Talk to her and offer to help with her son. I'm sure she sees it but just isn't sure how to address the problem. It might not be a lack of discipline as much as it's just that he has never been taught how to play appropriately. Schedule some one on one playdates with her and plan on the 2 of you being active participants in the play. If it's a small number of children and planned activities with the 2 of you involved to help him to see how to play appropriately he will learn. Over time the 2 of you can step back from the play and just watch and then can start to play with larger groups. This will help him and her so much!
Good luck,
K.
It's totally not cowardly to send an email, to compose your thoughts in a non-aggressive manner. And it's not bad to wish to protect your child from aggression and the possibility of learning that behavior.
Maybe approach with "I" not "you" statements, talk about how you value your friendship and your child's relations, your worry about safety and long-term consequences, maybe look online for other communication stuff...
And good luck with the drama, mama:)
Do not send an email. They tend to be read the way the reader wants- sarcasm where it's not intended or uppity attitude where there is none, etc. Go on a play date with just you two and the kids....let the kids play while you both talk and watch the kids as well. Explain the the problem, also the apology of talking behind her back. Let her know that you weren't doing that maliciously, but trying to seek help before approaching her and making her feel like a horrible parent. Her husband seems to have that duty-he should be more of an active parent, dicipline or not!
Be gentle, still keeping an eye on the kids, tell her that your daughter is tired of him hitting, pushing or throwing things at her and you don't feel that it is your responsibility to continually correct this behavior in her child when she is right there.
Let her know that you have seen this happen with others children (being hit, etc) and you are or are not speaking for those parents. You don't want her feeling ganged up on at all.
You love her and hopefully she will take the chat as intended and not a personal attack. This is a delicate line.
Her home life can't be that great if her husband isn't lifting a hand with the kids. Just being the breadwinner is tough enough but he created these kids, too! I've known a few guys like him and they really aren't fun to be around.
My boys were brought up that if they were purposely hit by another child, report it to an adult. If the same child hit them again, report it again and be louder about it/tell 2 adults. The third time the same child hit my boy, they had my permission to take that child down! BUT, they best be darn sure they have done #1 & 2 first! I will back my kids up. I've had to go to bat for the oldest one one time. Never happened again! The kid who did the hitting was finally punished and the other kids in the neighborhood appreciated it greatly-as did their parents who were more afraid to step in. I do not condone hitting or fighting, but when the adult was told about it and the child talked to, nothing happened....when it happened twice and nothing was fixed, well, all bets are off! My kids are 11 and 18 and one time was all it took to stop bully behavior against them.
Good luck and let us know how things go!!!
face to face talk takes out the element of cowardice from at least your part. all neighbors should follow your suit. actually, you should rally up the neighbors to get them go individually to her to apologize. why? because you do not want to wish upon anyone to be the mom who gets cast out. imagine her heartbreak. she has to go into hiding because her neighbors (once friends) criticized her because her 3 year old son (again, 3 year old son) acts out. if you have never been that mom, trust me, you do not wish to wish it upon anyone. i just hope she gets gutsy to face you all, and never ever feel like she has to go get locked into the house because other moms are talking about her. do the right thing here.
(i am very upset with you for having stooped to this level. very very upset. i am holding back all that i would say, but you already said you felt bad, so no need for more gasoline)
S., can you go over to her house and ask to come inside? Leave your kids at home with your husband and just try to talk over the craziness of her kids. I would tell her basically what you wrote on here, starting with the fact that she is a dear friend. Apologize that you were talking about her instead of to her and then explain her son's behaviour. This talk may not change her son's behaviour but it might save your friendship. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
Even though you guys can't seem to get away alone to talk, do it with the kids around. They can be in another room playing or right outside while you sit at the park. Just because they are there doesn't mean they are paying any attention to what you are talking about.
This boy's mom needs to be made aware of her son's behavior and they need to step up and get if nipped in the butt!! You need to think of the safety of your own child. And is that more important than her friendship???
Good luck
S.
Sounds like drama to me. Just go up to her and ask her if you could talk and when a good time for her would be. Then tell her your concerns and give her some suggestions on helping, or specific occasions things have happened that you thought were not handled right. She may open up and want to talk about her frustrations in dealing with him or she might not know how to handle the situation.I know i have been there, during the terrible twos/threes! I would appreciate it if someone came to me (so long as they brought it up tackfully and not like 'we have all been talking about you'). If you approach her it shows you care about the boy, her and the neighbors and want the best. Also, refrain from talking behind her back, she might not trust you. And lastly, maybe think of way you could help her, or bring up how you handle discipline situations with your own child and what works.
tell her you need to talk to her without the kids around so she is not blindsided & you and her can figure out a time.....how about after the kids are in bed, but face to face is best & sooner rather than later
I agree the actual talk should be alone...
One suggestion to get her alone is to find another neighbor who would be willing to watch her kids for an hour or so...if that neighbor can't handle her own kids plus the difficult kids, then ask a 3rd neighbor to watch her kids and she can be left with just the difficult kids...
I know this is a lot of switching kids around, but it sounds like it may be the only way; and if other neighbors feel the same way as you do they should be willing to help out so that you can address this...GOOD LUCK!
I would talk to her about this straight on. Tell her you're sorry and you highly value your friendship. I think this will only help the relationship if you are very open with her, and express a genuine concern that you have hurt her somehow. If it feels right, then also gently express your concerns for her son. She probably feels confused and upset about what to do for him, and having someone to talk to about it could really help her. I hope this helps, good luck!
