Friends Bullying 3 Year Old

I would tell her point blank - you may not have play dates with us anymore until your child is under control... that means no hitting, kicking or pushing...we use our words not our body..

I am a holy terror when it comes to that - I would get in the mother's face and the child's face - seriously?! If the father came out to find me to tell MY child to behave?! He would've received a slap across the face (I know - didn't I just say we use our words?!!!!) and told to pound sand and to go to parenting classes so he can learn how to be a parent...

This child is going to have a lifetime of problems with the parents not parenting...

DO NOT meet up with them any more - they are NOT friends. If they were - they would be getting their child under control not out of control

4 moms found this helpful

Okay, time to be blunt.

I would NOT, get the kids together anymore.
And, I would, calmly tell them why.
I mean, kids are getting HURT! Literally.

You have to also SHOW your child, in front of them, on how to speak up.
This is a lesson for them, on how to speak up and how their parents handle "bullying" and torment by other kids.
You are their 'role model' for behavior and how to stop it.
AND on how to 'CHOOSE' friends.
You start teaching YOUR child this, already.

From 2 years old, we began teaching our kids, about 'friends' and people, and how to speak up and how to handle it, by telling us. AND how we handle it and take care of it, literally. In time, as a child gets older, they will learn. From you.
It takes time for young children to learn these concepts... so if you start now, and over time as they get older, they will 'gain' more skills... in it. And how tell the Teacher/the adult/the parent about wrongdoing and bullying... and how to speak up etc.

YOUR child, is first.
If that were me, I would simply not get the kids together anymore.
And I would tell, my friend, why.
THEY have to deal with their kid too.... because, as he gets older and in school, they will have a LOT of problems with him. By then.

I also, "CHOOSE" my parent friends, PER how their kids are with my kids and how they are as parents.
I do not continue friendships with other parents, when they or their kid, is Toxic.
I ALSO teach my kids why or why not we are friends, and explain it to them. That way, they ALSO learn... about life and friends and how to choose friends and what to do about it. And NOT being a "victim" about it.

I would steer clear of them.
Tell them, calmly.
Protect your kids.
They don't seem like good friends nor for your kids.
Having passive aggressive friends, is only gonna be really unpleasant.

all the best,
Susan

4 moms found this helpful

I would imply say that until her son learned not to hit, kick, or otherwise hurt your daughter that they would not play together anymore. However, that you would still like to enjoy her company on girl nights to the movies, out for dessert, etc. It is best to be honest. If your friendship is ruined, you have to realize you are protecting your child, which is more important than your friendship.

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Well. No matter what you say, she won't start disciplining. It's her chosen personality type. So her kid won't change. So. It's up to you if you want to bother or not. He's going to be a terror FOR SURE for the next several years, so it may be a good time to cut the cord a bit on the friendship. Lots of people distance when they become parents with totally different parenting styles.
Tell her respectfully that until her son outgrows the aggressive stage (which he won't for a very long time) you guys should just meet up without kids. Over time, let her see you don't want the kids together. If she brings it up, tell her you've noticed she thinks it's OK when her son acts out and doesn't discipline him, so you're keeping your daughter away, nothing personal, you still like her for a friend.
Whatever you do, don't be afraid of losing her friendship, because if she was afraid of losing yours, she'd teach her son to respect your child.

3 moms found this helpful

The bottom line is you have to protect your child physically and emotionally. Turn down any playdates and don't answer the door if she knocks. If she wants to know why you aren't available anymore, just tell her! Her child is out-of-control and his behavior could cause your child to get hurt or learn poor behaviors.

2 moms found this helpful

You have limited choices on this one, you are either going to HAVE to talk to her about her son's behavior and her lack of doing something about it, if that translates into critisism then so be it. If that is not an OK solution because you don't want to 'go there' with another parent then you will have to only see her on 'grown up' times sans the kidz. IF that doesn't work either then you are going to have to give up the friendship, I don't see any other alternatives for this one.
Better to lose a friend than a child, you said there was an incident on the stairs, what if the boy had knocked your or someone elses child down the flight of stairs? pretty scary stuff...he needs some kind of help for sure but you have your own little one to help & keep safe, that is IT...

2 moms found this helpful

Time to just back off this relationship. If she asks to come over tell her no. If you have no trouble being honest, tell her why. Some people just don't get it or just don't want to do anything about it. Toxic.
C.

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I had a lady like this in the daycare and her son was HORRIBLE. I kept coming up with ways I'm allowed to discipline and she'd shoot it down. Every single time I would start to see improvement she'd come a long and decide that I had no right to do anything at all. He was completely out of control, way bad with me and 10 times worse with her. I was NEVER so glad to see the child go when she finally left. I saw them in a parking lot one day and even though it had been a year or so I involuntarily shuddered.

I wouldn't talk to her at all. Avoid her like the Plague. The next time she calls or stops by, tell her that you need a break and you'll try again next year sometime to see if she's handled things.

2 moms found this helpful

If I were in your shoes... I would absolutely flat out tell the Mother - if you will not discipline and control your child - I will. PERIOD.

Whether it was at her house, the playground, a party, or your home... that behavior is not acceptable anywhere and I'd not only let that Mother know that but to be prepared for me to step in and do the task she she and her husband are not up to it. If they don't like it - then they can find new friends.

2 moms found this helpful

If you want to give them another chance, then you need to establish rules at the beginning of the play date. And yes, this means even if you're at their house or somewhere neutral. Before the children start playing, give "them" the warning that you expect them both to be on their best behavior. Tell them that if they don't behave and there's hitting, kicking, or any other behavior of the like, that the play date will be over immediately. Then you have to follow through and explain to "the kids" why the play date is over. If they're at your house, yes, that means asking them to leave.

Then you can say, "Well, we gave it a shot but it looks like maybe the kids need a break from each other for a while. I know this is awkward, but we just can't tolerate hitting/kicking/punching/pushing."

1 mom found this helpful

M., you have gotten great advice and YOU have done a great job in actively standing up for your daughter!

I have had to cut out play dates with my own sister because my nephew was so out of control. That did NOT go over well, but it was for the best. I also had to cut play dates with a friend who didn't understand that her kids repeated pushing, hitting, kicking and biting my child's face did not fly with me. You are doing the right thing to stand up for your daughter. Mabey this will be the wake up call that your friend needs. Kudos to your other friend for saying something to bully kid's mom too!

*edit* OOPS! I forgot to say that my sister got a clue and started disciplining her son and now we can have play dates again! There is hope! :)

1 mom found this helpful

Sadly my younger 2 children are on the busy, agressive side. If you were to read back at one of my posts "WHAT CHILD DOES THIS!!" I was very upset with my own child for tackling another teammate in tball. One of the parents was like very hurtful in saying they would pull their child way from mine. I am a very weak discipline mother, I have too much pateints my aunt tells me. I have learned because of the embarresment of my children and their actions. I have learned a lot from Love and Logic with rerouting their misbehavior. Some technics work great, some have not. Again it's all about the parenting. Yesterday after picking up the kids from preschool they were fighting over a toy in the car. I took both of them get out of the car, stand by the front door until I locked it, and made this sit at the counter while I prepared dinner. No we want to play out side. I told them that is too bad, you should not have fought over the toy in the car and got in your seatbelt. So I am having to learn to disapline. Maybe your friend is not sure how to disapline.

http://www.loveandlogic.com/what-is-for-parents.html
Not sure if you would forward this website to her, she might find it helpful. Sadly I am in your friends shoes with my children. I only am very horrified at the actions of my children, and want to correct them. Good luck to you and your friendship.

1 mom found this helpful

ask her to be in your shoes. How would she take it if your child kick and pushed her child all the time and may be that is what your child needs to do? I am not for kids hitting and pushing and kicking but when one takes it all the time one does need to stand up for one self. Than may be your friend will see the light. I know how it is my son would let people do what ever to him until he had enough. Than look out he was going to get you.

Good Luck with friend and prayers,
T.

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Next time she asks to get together, just tell her no because you don't want your daughter to get hurt by her son. Do this a few times in a row, then get together with them. If the boy is still the same, don't let them come over for quite a while.

1 mom found this helpful

I would tell her you really want to get the kids together, but can't anymore because your daughter gets hit by her son. You saying they are passive aggressive and don't discipline sounds like they are perfect examples of permissive parenting who want to be their little one's friend instead of parent. With the reaction she had to your friend I definitely think she has the my child can do no wrong mindset or thinks kids will be kids and just shrugs it off.

I don't know if anything will change her around and you don't want a wolf pack on you should you try to give him a proper time out or whatever else. If you do hang out again and he hits her say, When you hit you won't be allowed to play with "name"... then go home. Even if his mom doesn't discipline and you still want to hang out he will most likely get the picture after a few consistent times of that.
...Or you could teach your child self-defense and see how that turns out (I don't know how violent he is) Just sayin :)

I agree with another mom about saying you'll discipline him, just be careful because a lot of times kids of permissive parents will actually go whine back to their parents because they know there parents are always on their side and if it ever comes to light in the future it might backfire on you. Just saying, you know the little boy and his mother best.

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He won't be 3 forever. Maybe just don't get the kids together for awhile and try again in a few months or more. Also, I understand it's your friend's kid doing the hitting, but where are you in this situation? An adult should always be right there, down on the floor with the kids, ready to help and steer the situation if kids that young are playing together.