Daughter Saw Pictures of Her Dad on Vacation Without Her

I think you're absolutely right. You need to talk to the insensitive lout and get him to see that he needs to include his daughter in family outings more often, especially after the loss of her Daddy.
You are such a wonderful mom to focus on her needs at such a hard time for you. Many women would be clinging to their child now instead of thinking of what she might need. She's a very lucky girl to have you, and I'll bet she knows it.

I agree with Momma L. You should ask for her so it is not uncomfortable. It is a simple question that should at least be put out there. And then I would tell him HE needs to address it with her. Maybe expalin that she is seemingly losing every 'father figure' she has and his excluding her insn't helping....BIG HUGS and hang in there. I can't even imagine the double whammy you seem to be facing.

I would say something to him, not accusingly, but to make him aware. Ask if he ever plans on taking his daughter on a family vacation, because she longs to go, and is sad to see all his vacation pictures and that she is never included.... especially since she recently lost her other father. If he says no, then ask, "Why not, is she undeserving of a nice vacation with her father?" Also, I am so sorry for your loss.

This is devastating to her, because of the loss she feels.
The lost time and the different relationship her young stepsister is getting that she never got with this father.

I am sure she is also feeling the loss of her Daddy. He would be there with you to comfort her, but he is never going to be there again. She is at an age that Daddy's are important to their daughters. They enjoy being admired, praised and valued by the men in their lives. She is totally missing out on this. She has lot of love she want so to give and is not able to do this at this time. Her feelings are real.

I am not sure of the dynamics in her Fathers second family, but the cost, the timing and the person planning the trips has a lot to do with these situations.

The last 4 years means the stepmom is making sure he is being a dad to their child. She sees that he has not/does not give enough attention to his eldest daughter and is making sure that does not happen with their child.

He had a chance before he had his second child, to make amends with your child, but he totally dropped the ball and continues this same pattern. He is older and does not make the same mistakes, but cannot make up the neglect to your daughter (in his own mind).

What he does not realize is that
1. he needs to get past this guilt and make a plan to start over.

2. Your daughter is soon going to be going away to college and without a good relationship, it will become more and more of an effort for him to stay in her life.

3. Your daughter has her own life and is going to be busier than ever these last few years in High School and is not going to want to spend time with him over the fun school activities with her friends.

4. She needs him to validate her as a worthy person at this age. When she gets older she is going to realize he dropped the ball and is going to be very upset with him. The sooner he can get this relationship on a good track, the better for HIM.

How do I know all of this? I was a child of divorce and this is pretty much the same situation I had with my dad when I was a teen.

He was remarried and we did not see him very often. When we did it was with his wife and their family. He was working on keeping her happy. She also held the purse strings and so he had to "shuck and jive" to her demands.

It is hurtful, but as I got older I had a better understanding of the dynamics. I was too self conscious and not quite aware of what it was I wanted or needed from him. He HATED my mother so even though she tried to encourage him or give him a heads up, he would of the opposite of anything she told him or suggested.

And so the bottom line is communication.
Your daughter needs to figure out what she needs and wants.
And somehow this needs to get to her father. Either through your daughter. From you. Or with dad and daughter going to some counseling together.

Their situation is not like anyone elses. They need to learn to communicate with each other.
Give her a hug and remind her that parents are not perfect. They make mistakes. They are never trying to intentionally hurt their children, it sometimes just needs to be brought to their attention.

Oh boy. This is just SO very sad on so many levels.

First of all, I'll never understand how anyone can say to anyone after losing a family member within the last few months that "she is better off without him" -- that is truly mind blowing. And mean.

You have stated that your husband was your daughter's "daddy" and THAT is a significant loss.
No matter what anyone thinks about the DISEASE of alcoholism.
My father was an alcoholic.
He was not the nicest guy in the world when he was drinking.
But I can relate enough to know that your husband was probably a fabulous person when he was not.
We can love the person and HATE the disease. A disease, be it alcoholism, drug addiction, cancer or diabetes doesn't make the loss any easier.
I apologize for the rude remarks of others FOR them. Please ignore comments like that.

It would seem to me that your daughter took seeing the pictures of her biological father SO hard because of this very recent loss of her step daddy. She's feeling a hole, and emptiness and pain of the loss.
Is there, by chance, a childrens hospital near you? Ours has a center called The Caring place where kids can get together and work through their grief. They have art therapy, group sessions with other kids who have lost a parent, etc. 14 is tough enough, but this grief needs to be worked through.
I do think you should let your ex know how this affected her. Hopefully you have a pretty good line of communication with him and he will not become defensive, but rather receptive to the fact that his daughter may need him now more than ever. She's going to still have the loss and the grief, but maybe, having her dad "be there" more will be a comfort to her. She is probably feeling abandoned by both--O. to death and the other to a "new" family. Poor kid. Can you check about the grief center?
Sometimes even talking to the school guidance counselor can really help.
All the best to you & your daughter and I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband.

I'm sorry for the loss of your husband.

I think it would be a great idea for your daughter to talk to a therapist. It sounds like she has a lot of thoughts and feelings to sort out. It's harder sometimes when they're so smart and articulate and wise.

I don't believe he's leaving her out on purpose, but he's still leaving her behind. She may even feel left behind by her Daddy who just passed away. She may feel replaced by bio-dad's new daughter and wife, especially if they used to be close and that closeness just doesn't exist any more. It would be nice if he cares enough to make up for the distance get close to her again. But know that bio-dad won't make up for the Daddy that she just lost. And it's possible that that's why this hurts her so much right now... she's reminded of having "lost" him in the wake of losing her Daddy permanently.

I didn't read your other responses but here's my two cents.
I would talk to him coming from you and going to him "parent to parent".
I would also encourage your daughter to talk to him as well. I would prep her in that, she may not get the response she wants from him, it may not "fix" it, but at least she has spoken her mind and she release those feelings she has towards him and put them back on him.
I feel like this is why a lot of us as adults today avoid things, because as kids we were taught well your a kid so you need to be respectful and basically not always speak your mind. I try and tell my kids you can say whatever it is you have on your mind; DO NOT under any circumstances expect it to change because you don't like something, but if you don't tell people how you feel then they will never know and then you are denying the other person the opportunity to change their behavior.
Hope this makes sense!
Good luck and God Bless you both with what you have been through!

I am very sorry for your loss, I too lost my 1st husband but we had no children together he had 2 daughters that I stayed in contact with until I got remarried and they decided not to talk to me anymore. Thats another story.

Any way back to your question I agree with Bh that your daughter should ask him why. He needs to explain himself to her, not have you be the middle man. She is old enough and as you say wise beyond her years that she will understand and should not be treated like a child but a young adult. And if she does not want to go there for Christmas she needs to tell him why. Not you. She is of age that the courts will allow her to make the choice if he complains.

If she chooses not to talk to him than she should not complain or feel hurt by him not including her on their vacations. IMHO gl

I am so sorry to read this, D.. Your daughter is in the middle of grieving (I know you are too). And the grieving process lasts for a long time, whether or not there were personal issues such as alcoholism or anything else.

When my best friend died in college, people actually said to me the day after she died, that I just needed to get over it. One person told me "Well, at least it's not a member of your family who died." I swear, I think that some people who have "diarrhea of the mouth" have NO idea how terrible their words can sting to someone who has just suffered a loss. Please ignore comments like maybe your family is better off without him. I could speculate as to WHY someone would say these things, like what happened to me when my friend died, but it's not even worth trying to do that.

Have you gotten her a grief counselor? Please do that. Talk to the counselor, aside from your daughter, about this issue. Then she and the counselor can talk about it. Go from there.

My prayers are with you. It's a long road ahead, and it's NEVER simple.

Dawn

I'm sorry. My parents separated when I was 12 and got divorced when I was 15. My father was seeing someone else. It was rough on my sister and me. We were shown lots of pictures from trips they took, Hawaii, Florida, etc. We were never invited. Not once. It was kind of hidden behind us that he took the new family to Disney, too. I didn't find out until years later about that. I think my Dad must have known how much I would have loved to go. In hindsight, I wish *I* would have spoken up and told him that I would like to be included too on some of his nice vacations. I would encourage your daughter to tell him how she feels and be there to support her, but I think she should initiate the conversation. Just encourage her to go about it in a mature tone (though her hurt and anger are understandable). He should know how she feels.

Your daughter is wise beyond her years. She understands what is going on and and struggling with her emotions right now, understandably!

I wouldn't say or do anything. I would have your daughter write him a letter and have her tell him how she feels... about not seeing him, the vacations with out her... everything she is feeling towards him and her life.

If you do anything, it will go in one ear and out the other. If she does it hopefully he will wake up and see what he is doing to her. Im sure he is not purposly hurting her, but he still is. He needs to know that.

Even if you moved away he can still see her, a friend of mine drives 6 hours one way e/o weekend to get his kids, I think he can handle 2!

I'm so sorry for everything your family is going through!! My ex cut my 15 yo old of his life 100% 4 years ago. He only lives 2 blocks away, my son's 1/2 brother doesn't even know who my son is. I see the pain he dealt with ( counseling helped out alot!!) and still deals with. Your family is in my prayers. I hope you daughter finds the strength inside her to communicate her feelings with her dad. She needs to release it, even if its for herself!

i'd let him know how she feels in a nice way (what can it hurt). Maybe it would make him realize he's excluding her and shes feeling it. Maybe ask him that he has some alone time with her and reconnect. That stinks for your daughter=( My dad always did things with my brother growing up b/c he was a boy, and it stung badly. If I was you I'd make plans to do something special with her, J. the two of you, maybe a train trip to a nearby city and a play or something fun she'd enjoy.

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and her father.

This is a heads up situation for her bio dad. We would give our dad a heads up when our mom worked really hard on something or got a new hair cut and she loved to be noticed and appericiated. Dads usually dont have a clue (even when they should) about importance of others. My fil did not say anything about my mil new wig (cancer) and it was a big dissapointment for my mil. I did not know anything about it but my hubby did. I told him this is a heads up situation and he had to give his dad a heads up. Even if you want him to understand the importance with out being told. He needed to know it was important to her with out her knowing so she could feel good about being bald under there! Mom needed the heads up on her great job with a project she completed. Your daugher needs to feel included...if that is really what is going on. Tell the bio dad about it with out her knowing. Like when she is in school or at a friends. No where when she could walk in or over hear, or see the conversation.

You should talk to him, plain and simple. In a very sincere way and be careful not to bring anything up to make him defensive. Warn him that she is angry with him and to take the high road regardless; remind him not to get frustrated if/when she rejects him. Come up with a plan to see her and he has GOT to stick with it. Like every two weeks or something. ...and without the half brother sometimes too. She is feeling very lost. There's nothing harder on a kid than a divorce when parents go on to have children with their new spouse. Then these kids are left feeling unwanted because they are the product of a split and watch their parents ooh and ahh over their younger (and cuter) half siblings. It's hard and she should absolutely get lots of attention and made to feel important. By the way, I'm so, so, so sorry for your loss. This must be so difficult for you.

First....I am saddened to hear of the loss of your husband and daughter's stepfather. I know this must be a sad and hard time for you both. [hugs]

As hard as it is, your daughter has to face that her bio-dad doesn't want her along or he'd be asking her to join them. Your X posts all his fabulous trips on FB for everyone to see? Let your daughter ask him on FB why he didn't take her along too. He deserves to have all of his family and friends to see how shabby he treats his daughter. After that, you should unsubscribe your X's FB from your or your daughters FB. That's rubbing it in her face and is making her unhappy. Remove that from her life.

Take care.

I would definitely say something to him about her feeling left out of the family. He needs to know how she feels. I would also share what your DH meant to hear and he, as her father, should take up some of that slack. She needs him now more than ever. Then I would leave it at that and let him do what he is going to do.
I am very sorry for your loss.

Just to reiterate what everyone has said - so sorry for both your and your daughter's loss.
sometimes men are obtuse (sorry guys out there in mama land - i know a stereotype) and it is time to gently remind him of what your daughter is experiencing with each post, each update and picture that she is not in.
I think it goes beyond simply being in vacation ,but being thought of as part of the family.
Also, It is important for dad to know why daughter is not keen on going over for holidays, etc. Give him a chance to make it better. If he doesn't, he doesn't, but you know you tried.

I am so sorry for what you are going through with the loss of your husband, I don't know how I missed the post of you planning to leave and he had a heart attack the next day, it's awful.

I'm just guessing (and apologize if I am incorrect) that since your husband came into your lives when your daughter was three years old and you moved around so much that her father wasn't encouraged to be around that much because she had her "daddy". I'm divorced and we agreed that we wouldn't move away from where we are now (one mile apart) to be able to maintain the constant communication and co-parenting.

You are all still reeling from the death of her "daddy" even though he had an awful time with alcohol. We tend to remember the good and look for blame in other places "her father" in this case.

I think it would be best to talk with her "father". Give him a heads up on how she is feeling and how to make improvements. Is there a visitation schedule even in place? He may have felt he was replaced by your husband, the two families did kind of move their own ways. See what new routines can be made: texting each other, having a standing father/daughter dinner night, spend more time together as a family and plan for the future.

I was trying to follow all of the moves and it looks like you may be away again, is this something you can change for your daughter? She is not only troubled that she didn't get to go to Hawaii or Chicago, she is upset that you lived with an alcoholic, accepted that, moved around so much and he died very recently. Please, please open up communication with the two families. Work very hard with her father to help build the relationship. This is such a crucial time in a girl's life and she has a lot to carry.

Best of luck.

So so sorry for the loss of your husband.

Your daughter must feel just awful that her bio father is doing all these family events without her. Maybe you should email or.call him, just to let him know how hurt his oldest child is that he is not involving her in his life.

First, I"m so very sorry for your loss. You daughter is feeling this as well, which is why is situation is hurting her double.

I think you need to address it with him. I am not sure how your relationship is with him but I would let him know that you are disturbed by this. Tell him that she was deeply hurt by being excluded from the family vacations. 14 is hard enough and she has lost so much in her life that it would be nice if he stepped up to the plate and became the dad she needed. If not, then you can't force him to be a good parent. You can just be there for your daughter and love her like no other! Blessings to you both.

I absolutely would say something to him. His daughter is hurting and grieving and she needs him and he needs to be there for her. As far as the vacation, you could explain that because they live far away of course they may take vacations without her but it doesn't mean that they don't love her or aren't thinking of her. Then maybe try and figure out a way for them to spend more time together or even have a phone or skype date since he is out of state. (oops I meant in another city)

I'm sure she feels like she lost 1 dad and is losing another since she is being left out. I'm so sorry for your loss. You may want to look into grief counseling for both of you, it may help her figure things out.

yeah you should deffinitly talk to him about it, 14 is a very hard age anyway without the extra stress shes going through & men dont notice feelings as easily (expessially when they arent around) so call him & explain what shes going through she just lost her other dad & seeing her REAL dad not involving her hurts. the very least he could do is invite her over more or a phone call even if it isnt a trip to wherever its the thought that counts.

This is sad. I am so sorry for your loss. It would make me cry and I would not have handled it as well as you did.