I Nedd Help with a Very Angry and Out of Control 9 Yr Old Girl

This may sound ridiculous but it seems to be helping my overly aggressive 4 year old boy...have you tried YOGA? My son is learning how to deal with his anger, stress, etc. in a much calmer and less threatening way. I stumbled across it on accident one day. Good Luck

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I'm sure it's frustrating for you and your husband. I would think that anything that promotes self control and relaxation would be a benefit. Yoga as suggested by the last person, or theraputic martial arts (this form is not for fighting, only for relaxation and mind/body control)Meditation of some sort may also be useful. I know many feel that child therapy isn't a useful option but if it's something you may consider, it too could possibly help not only point you towards ways to control her anger and be productive with her feelings but it may also get to the root of what ever is causing her to feel and act out in this way. I wish I knew of some magic answer for you. Your guess is as good as mine but relaxation and self control activities and therapy are all that come to mind. Good luck J., I hope some of the suggestions you get here will help! :)

Hi

I understand your frustration. I adopted a little girl from foster care and have found out that she suffers from multiple personalities. This started out with her appearing very angry. I have had some measure of success with St. Vincents and also Dublin Counseling Center. Roberta White is her therapist and she is wonderful.

L. M

Have you heard of Borderline Personality Disorder? It is just a thought. I have my own experiences w/ a chils that was very aggressive w/ others (especially smaller than him) and doesn't respond to ANY punishments of any kind! So frustrating! After years of wondering what we were doing wrong and fighting about it, we finally found a professional who figured it out. Like I said I could be WAY off. The big thing w/ Borderlines is that they are hard to diagnose because they tend to take on the traits of people around them and therefor get diagnosed w/ the wrong things! They tried to tell us that it was ADHD, dislexsia, etc. just check it out.

I had a similar problem with my middle child her first 3 years of elementary school. She was struggling with alot of things and I finally pushed them to test her for learning disabilities. This type of struggle can make them have behavioral problems also. I was correct in my suspicions and she tested LD. She was put on an IEP and given the extra learning attention she needed.

Another issue may be to go to a counselor just to possibly see if she had been abused by someone close to her that is threatening her, so she in turn takes it out on the other children.

Children are just not born angry.

One thing to think about is what you said"I work outside of the home and don't always have a lot of time to spend with my kids like i want too". This could be her way of getting your attention. There also could be somthing else wrong that she don't know how to talk about it and this is her way of getting it out by anger. You need to find out what is going on with her. Sit down and try talking to her don't get flustrated when she won't tell you at first. Maybe she needs some mother daughter time. Set aside a hour or more if needed where you guys can spend some time together go shopping, walking, to a day spa something. I think once you build that relationship back with her she will open up and talk to you. I would try that and see. Good luck and let us know how it goes

I am not an expert but simply another mother who has dealt with a similar problem.. you know..its true ..kids do learn alot at home..Im not saying it is our fault but kids learn alot in how we deal w/situations, and even special children like ours with different behavioral issues need structure and standardization...I ended up leaving not just a career but THE JOB of a lifteime..because my child needed me more at home ..I still work but have a job that allows me to help guide my lovely wonderful special child...just a note ..God Bless you

J.,
Have you ever tried a psychiatrist? Or tried looking into medication? Because at the end of the day, if it really is a chemical imbalance, she really wouldn't be able to control it on her own. I had a friend with a similiar situation and after a lot of heartache and testing they found she had a benign tumor at the base of her brain which affected her behavior. Now she is on medication and doing much better.
Good luck.

Hi J., my name is T. and just my thoughts on your situation is sounds like shes trying to get your attention. I know working alot makes us feel gulity for the time we loose with our children. You have to remember that at certain ages as a girl we want to be close with our mothers and if she feels like your attention to her is not satisfying then this may be why she acts out because then she has your full attention when she does act out. Maybe try doing one on one things with her shes getting older, for instance I have 2 children that are 2 and 7, my 7 year old needs his breaks away fom his sister and quality time with me wihout his sister. and it's not just to the store, maybe it's out to eat or to the movies, or since shes 10 to the mall to pick out new clothes with just you. Maybe you could have a girls night every week out to dinner that way it gives her time to open up to you and tell you about problems she may be going through or having. I hope my thoughts will help you in any way good luck with her and wish you the best.

I'll talk to you from your daughters point of view. When I was younger I was the same way. I think I was about 11 when my mom came home and found me strangling my older sister. She tried individual counseling and family counseling. That did help a little bit, mostly it showed different ways of expressing anger and how to deal with it. Chances are she feels that you are giving everyone and everything else more attention than you give her. Spend the time you do have with your kids but find something special that you can do with her. Make her feel special and loved. Spend alone time with her every day doing something she wants to do. This may seem like giving in or spoiling to some people but some kids just need more attention. Have your husband spend individual time with her too. Another thing is her age, some girls start internal changes early. Even if you didn't your daughter might. Chemical changes in the body start long before any visible changes and these may be effecting her overall mood. I would consult with your doctor about her behavior and recomendation for a family counselor but mostly she is just needing more personal attention.

hello J.!
ok maybe its because you dont spend enough time with just her and she feels like you love the other two kids more. not saying you do! your husban is her father right? because sometimes when its not the childs father that act on that. look at the age difference between the kids. maybe she was use to getting everything her way and then it was taken away and she doesnt like it. maybe you should have a 1 on 1 talk and see whats bothering her. maybe you could even take her out and do something that she loves to do, with just her. have mother daughter time atleast once ever other week or more. she will love it i promise. if that doesnt work maybe you can call nany 911! lol!

Please do not get offended when I say this, but they may be right about her having a Comprehension problem.... But, what is she failing to comprehend??? When you get angry and have boughts of aggression you can't comprehend....
But, you may also be right... But, here is my experience...

My 9 yr. old has ADHD, and Aggression problems... He tends to be the worst when he can't figure out what he's doing wrong... They may know the consequences to action, and posititve and negative to a certain level... But, to them the levels are different and when they become slightly frustrated they get raged...
He will get very mean and sometimes be a bully to his sister... To me it's for no reason, to him it's because she won't leave him alone and it sets him off.... They have different triggers as do we as far as to how much we can take...
I'm looking into getting a counselor for my children and myself, so we can all deal w/ these issues as well as others.... Maybe it will help, to see what you can do for her...
Maybe sit her down, and calmly (which is sooo hard) and ask her what upsets her so much....
Hope it's some help...

I don't think it has ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT YOU WORK OUTSIDE THE HOME! Some of us have to and some do not. I would have yor daughter tested for some psych disorders, it could be as simple as needed a therapist to talk to, but it def. sounds as if she has a disorder of some sort.

J.,
I know how frustrating this situation is. I think the hardest thing for parents to so is to see their children in situations that we as parents can't seem to help them with. In raising my three children, I have found Flower Essences to be very helpful. Flower Essences deal with emotions and helping to express them in healthy ways. FESflowers.com is their web site. If you would like further help, you can always email me and we can talk. ____@____.com. I love to use Flower Essences because they gently help to release in this case the anger from the situation. They are worth looking into.
Have a Blessed Day,
L.

I like the ideas the others gave. Another student in my class was having troubles with her 8 year old daughter with things at school. They didn't take things away to solve the problem...they took EVERYTHING away. Actually they moved her to the spare room and she had to earn everything back, tv time, toys everything. She said it worked. Other people have stripped the room down to the mattress and sheets, not even the bed frame any more, and took all their clothes away. Mom and Dad lay out clothes for you to wear and you earn the right back to even pick out your own clothes for the day. I know this sounds a bit extreme, but it has worked for the few families I know that have tried it.

Hi J.,

I recommend that you call your local Health Department for some direction. I don't know where you live, but there may be program in your area that may work with your daughter & help you deal with her aggressiveness. It sounds like she needs some counseling. There are counselors and services that work with kids. Usually low cost also. Perhaps some testing to determine what may be going on with her.

Don't wait too long, the sooner you can get help for her the better for your family!

Good Luck!

K. :)

Are you hoping to find some more coping skills for your daughter to deal constructively with her very strong emotions which are right now coming out as anger and violence? A wonderful method of communication for children, adults, (well, for any human who likes compassionate, harmonious living, really!) is Marshall Rosenberg's method called NVC, or nonviolent communication. He has written a book called "NonViolent Communication: A Language of Life" (http://www.cnvc.org/nvc.htm) which describes this method. There is an accompanying workbook, as well. NVC helps get to the root of a person's needs and focuses on getting everyone's needs met in a way that diffuses anger/defensiveness rather than creates or perpetuates anger/defensiveness. There are some specific books out there that talk specifically about NVC & parenting, too:
http://www.cnvc.org/parents.htm

Here's a link to the first chapter of Marshall Rosenberg's book I referred to above:
http://www.cnvc.org/bookchap.htm

I realize that there may be other things or perhaps more things going on with your daughter, your family, etc., than you are able to share here in a short request, so I certainly don't purport that NVC is the answer to all of the issues you guys are experiencing. However, I do think that NVC is incredibly helpful and could be one approach to giving your daughter some good coping skills and strategies to get her needs met and your family's needs met by using other approaches besides her anger.

Another idea to consider is that undiagnosed food allergies or sensitivities can cause angry, violent, aggressive behavior. A wonderful resource for learning how to recognize such an allergy in your child, the next steps to take to start to improve the situation, etc., is a book called "Is This Your Child" by pediatric allergist Doris Rapp, MD:
http://www.amazon.com/This-Your-Child-Doris-Rapp/dp/06881...

Best of luck!