Teen Daughter Not Willing to Have Contact

J.,

It sounds like you've done a lot already. It's too bad that you have family members making the situation worse. As for what to do, I think right now you just need to step back and wait. If you push too much you could damage the relationship further. She may not admit it, but she knows you love her. For now I'd step back, let her be an angry, frustrated teen-ager, and send her cards on her birthday and on whatever winter holiday you may celebrate. Be sure to put in those cards that you love her and would like to have a relationship, when she's ready.

You probably want to go to your relations that are not being truthful and ask them to stop being so negative to your daughter about you. Maybe have her dad (if the two of you are on friendly terms) try to counteract your relations, or have him tell your relations to knock it off.

I was going to say something else, but got distracted by my daughter (she's almost 1).

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Hi J.....

I SO FEEL for you!!! My oldest is actually a "step" for me...she is my husband's daughter from a previous.....

When she was in her early teens, she basically told her Dad,
Don't call me, I'll call you"......however, she never called! It was so hard for us to respect her wishes.....but we did.

Before she left high school (I know...that seems so long)she started having second thoughts and contacted us. We went real slow.....let her be the one to initiate, but we made sure she knew we loved her.

Now, she is an adult, and we have a fabulous relationship with her. Every once in a while she will bring up "that time" and say how much she regrets what she did. The morale to this story....I believe......is that we did respect her wishes.....and yes, we did miss out on several years......but we have a wonderful, active relationship now. I truly don't know if she would have come around if we had pressured her.

She was living with her mom....my husbands ex.....and was fed all sorts of negative things about her Dad. Now, she realizes that there is always two sides to a story.....and that the side she received was pretty warped. I'm trying to be tactful here.......:)

I don't know if that helps......but if you need to talk, I'm here.........

Take care,

C.

J.,
I feel for you. I have been on your daughter's side of a very similar situation. My parents seperated the summer before my senior year and my Mom forced me to stay with my Dad. I didn't talk to her for almost 2 years. I didn't even invite her to my graduation. Something I regretted later.
What finaly turned me around was having a supported boyfriend who would let me stay with him and his parents (they lived in the same town as my mom, this was all while I was at college) and I was able to slowly re gain a relationship with my mom. It started with a cup of coffee for 15 min. Then over the next year progressed into dinners and eventually being a part of her wedding a few years later. I now have a wonderful relationship with her and we talk almost daily. My best advice is to continue to send the letters, gifts, etc. And just let her know that when she is ready you are there. Don't talk about it to the other children, or any other family. Just tell her you are here whenever she needs you or when she is ready to talk. Just stay open. That is the only thing that will work with a hurt teen. If you have any support with anyone who does talk to her and who she listens to, having her join a support group for teens of divorced parents, or talking with a counslour can really help sometimes all they need is a safe place to talk and really express their feelings.
Hope this helps and keep positive. Remember that what you put out in the world is what you get back.
Good luck
C.

Hello J. -

The single best resource that I have found for creating real communication and understanding is non-violent communication (NVC), which you can learn from the book "Non-Violent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg. It is affordable (~$11-12) and classes are offered all ove the country wher you can learn it and try it out on non-family members before going to work in lifee's sticky family situations. I don't know where you are, but pretty much all over the country there are instructors and all of them will work with you to make it financially feasible for you to be in the class. To find them you can go to the website www.cnvc.org

I know, it sounds too simple, but changing the way we communicate cn be absolutely transformative.

I am not an NVC teacher, but someone who has employed it in my own life (saved my marriage!) and who has witnessed others using it to transform their relatiosnhips. It quite literally saves families and is especially powerful with teens.

Best wishes-
D.

Have you tried apologizing to her? I don't mean making excuses or trying to explain what happened, but just saying, "I'm sorry"?

She obviously feels like you've wronged her, and even if you feel completely justified, a simple apology can go a long way.

J., my first response is to just send you a big, warm, mommabear hug--no matter what has happened and how it has come about, I know just how much this hurts. There is nothing quite like the feeling that comes with the early weeks, months, and years with your precious new child--that closeness and intimacy can't be matched by ANYONE, not even your husband in a perfect marriage. So, if it happens, there is ALSO nothing quite like the feeling of rejection and hurt if that child who was so close turns against you. It's stronger than a divorce, because of all you've been through with and for her.

I've been there--different scenario and different reasons, but a daughter who was so hurt and angry that she completely blamed me for everything, and rejected me for a few years.

I'm here to tell you that you've got to hang in there. Keep loving her, keep letting her know you love her, and keep those lines of communication open--no matter how many times she pushes you away. Offer support, let her know her daily life matters to you, and you want to be there for her in any way she needs, if she ever needs you--your love will not go away.

I really agree with everyone who is suggesting counseling--and Dionna who suggested NonViolent Communication, a technique that is very effective in building empathy and helping another person feel respected and heard.

There are many types of counseling approaches--I suggest a family systems therapist, no matter what other techniques or methods they incorporate, the idea is that the entire family dynamic is involved in what happens, so even though you will get help individually with how you participate in that, the therapist will work with other members of the family as well to help everyone learn a better way.

My daughter came back to being my daughter--we talk, she respects my opinion, and our sense of love is healing. There is no way to replace the lost time or get back to the track you were once on, but there is absolutely hope that, as your daughter matures, she and you can find common ground again and get back together.

Best,
Fiora

This sounds very complex. I would see a counselor. Remember that teens number one job is to establish their independence and figure out who they are. The hormones are zinging around and peers are of course of primary importance. Seems like she is feeling some abandonment issues. This is going to be a long haul, complex mending of the fence. Look for a compatible counselor. Let her know that you love her as much as her other kids. Better she receives the cards or gifts than not at all. It is a big, cold cruel world. Let her know the door is always open. Prayer never hurts unless your atheist.

Having gone through similar things in my own life, I know how hard this must be for you. I was given to my grandparents when I was born, my mom was not exactly ready to be a parent, and my grandparents did not want me to be adopted by a strange family. My mother went on to have other children, and anytime my siblings were being a problem, my mom would call and ask for me to talk to them. My question for you would be, how old are your two other children? If the two other kids are old enough to understand the situation, maybe they could try to have a talk with her. Sometimes kids respond to siblings well, if they feel that their thoughts and feelings are being understood. I have learned to talk to my siblings, listen to their feelings, and then talk to them as a person, not a little sis/bro. I don't treat them bad, and when we talk I make sure that they know I am listening, and respond to their feelings. Now if the other two kids are not old enough to help in this, then I would reccommend a family meeting, first with your family members that are degrading you, be forceful but polite, in saying "Thank-you for your concern with my daughter, but your concern is causing terrible pain in our lives, whatever problems are in the past, are over, and it is time to move forward and be positive influences in her life. If you cannot do that then please step out of the picture, before irrecompenisble damage is done to your relationship with your neice". This will get their attention. And then I would set up a counselor, either school, church, someone that can begin talking to her, and try to find out what has brought her to this point. Many times once children are brought to realize the other side of the story, things begin to change. Have a conversation with your ex, and let him know what you want to do, and that he needs to explain to his gf that she needs to step back into her roll as his gf and not the roll of her mother. I have had many conversations like this one with members of my family, and situations very similar to this I have helped to deal with. Believe me it is not and easy road, and yes the pain is sometimes unbearable. But if you want to have your daughter in your life, you are going to have to take bold actions. And then be prepared for a long road ahead, for both you and her, to work through the feelings, hurt, tears, pain, and eventually forgiveness that will occur. Best of luck!

J.,

It is really great that you are asking the group here such a personal question because many women think they need to do things alone and you knew better so, good job on reaching out. That's huge! What I suggest is that you find a counselor that will help you on this individual case only. That means that you are not there to talk about your life or to go deep into your past you just want help with this particular issue with your daughter. That is your main focus right now and you would like to have advice for xxx amount of time to resolve this problem.

I say this because often counslors will want to bring up situations and conversations that bring you to tears and pick apart your personality, life, etc, but you don't need that right now in this situation. What you need is to have this issue resolved in some form and more importantly you need to feel like you can do it yourself and you have the counselor there to support you through this goal and objective of yours.

I would make it clear you are there for this reason and if the conversation gets off track tell the counselor that you are sorry you started to talk about something else and you would like to get back to the reason you are here (your goal and objectives) and you appreciate the counselor supporting you and couldn't do it with out that support. Only you know if you feel supported or not and if you don't understand the counselor then just ask what they are saying because they are there for you and you deserve to know how they are planning to support you.

I realize that you are doing the work because in this case it will be just you, but in the long run with the help of the counselor, you will feel so much better about your abilities and ways of handling this situation and others that come up in your life. This means that you are not looking at what this person is telling you and feeling sorry for yourself or talking about how you don't like it when you are not treated respectfully by others in this way and that. This is about how you are reaching the goal for you and your daughter only and getting support in doing so. I am suggesting you go to a counselor not because I think they are the cats meow, but because they will handle situation professionally and they have the knowledge and background to handle it.

Many times we go to family or friends and they take it personally or they are not able to handle giving advice or better yet support you. It's nice to hear what works for other people because then you might get an idea, but overall, I think you are plenty capable of finding a solution. You might already have a solution that works for you and you need someone to be there to support you.

OK that is it.. Good luck to you and your daughter! I wish you, your children and family all the best.

G.

Let me see if I get this right. You have a new man, a new baby girl, the 11year old is at an age where she really needs a mom and you send her to her dad because...why? Her sister is good enough to live with you but she can't...why? Sounds like you should think about what the family is saying, you know the bs, and see if there is not some truth to it. Girls need their mom's not when they are babies, but when they are trying to figgure out the hard parts of life. You have clearly chosen the man and your new baby, will fit in the other three kids you have it there is time. Don't blame your daughter for abandonment issues you have created. Your kids will have to try to find their way through the mess of your "relationships. Try reading the book "girls without mothers".

We were in the same situation with my 13yo step son.
(although his situation was pretty extreme, and you sound like you really care, as opposed to his absent mother)
He was/is very angry with his mother, b/c she basically abandoned him and his sister with their dad (my DH). When she came back around (2 years later) he wanted nothing to do with her.
Even though we understood his reasoning (and agreed) we felt that his issues with his mom needed to be worked out.
So, we discussed it with her, and set them up in joint counseling/reunification therapy.
Now, 2 years later, he still really couldn't care less about her, and doesn't enjoy seeing her every other weekend.
BUT through the reunification therapy, he was given a safe place where he could ask her the hard questions. He didn't really ever get any straight answers from her, but he got to say how she made him feel, and to tell her how mad/sad/hurt/etc he was. And that changed him from a grunchy, sullen, hard to be around kid into a happier, lighter boyo. Not to say he isn't still a pain in the behind sometimes, but it's much easier now.

So, I guess the point is, whether your situation is better, or more extreme, having a safe place where you BOTH can voice your feelings would make a big difference.
And if you do it through reunification, or just joint counseling, showing her that you are going to show up to the next appointment, will begin to show her that she can trust you and that you DO care.

Well, that was a lot longer than I thought it would be...lol
Anyway, I wouldn't try to buy her love, kids see through that (at least my boyo did..haha) just giving the gift of time is enough to make a difference.

Seems she is upset with you and perhaps it is understandable. With a new baby and new relationship she may be feeling that you needed her away in order to enjoy your new life. So, she felt abandoned. You hadn't mentioned why you had her stay with her father. But, I'd say it's gonna take alot of healing and allowing her to be with you again in the home if that is possible.

I've learned through my own work, and have heard from other teachers who have worked with traumatized, angry teens, that what finally got through was gentle persistence with no emotional manipulation. They just kept showing up for the kids over months, or even years. They didn't give up and abandon the kids like other adults in their lives had done.

So I wonder if that will eventually turn your daughter around: you just being patient, consistently loving, willing to hold the heartache and reach out anyway. This could take a long time, especially with the family complications. Not an easy assignment, for sure, but love often asks a lot from us.

Dionne's suggestion of learning about Non-Violent Communication is excellent, too. It's a wonderful tool for those moments when you might actually have a chance to communicate with your daughter. It will give you the ability to hear her feelings, which will no doubt be difficult for you to hear, and to respond in the most loving possible way. It will also enhance your communication with your ex-husband and other family members, perhaps helping all of you to work through the emotional tangles.

I wish your family well.

I would let her have her time, but I would journal for her. Write her letters and say how you feel and keep them for her so that when she does come around you can show her how you thought of her all the time.

It is hard when you have one child leave and the other stay. I am not sure of everything going on. But I can tell you that my daughter hated me when she was a teenager, and now that she is 22, she loves me again. And has apologized for EVERYTHING she did....
Hang in there.

She is understandably very hurt and feels rejected. She may not understand why she was sent away, but all the other kids got to stay. Even if she does understand it, she is still hurt. She will not forgive you until she has time to process her feelings (without being bombarded by you) and she feels like you REALLY get it. If you are making excuses and justifying, then (in her eyes) you still don't get it. Give her some time, and then tell her you are sorry you hurt her, and you are ready to listen without justifying or defending yourself. When she does vent on you, don't tell her she can't yell at you, and don't try to make her understand. Just aknowledge her feelings, appologize for what you can, and ask her how you guys can move forward. If you want to repair this relationship, you need to treat her like an adult and allow her the right to her feelings. If you and her father get along, ask him to help you... even he has to agree that it is best for your daughter to not feel this way, and he can really help her work through it.

Hi J.,
My heart goes out to you. I agree with Bev. Children will act out because of anger over a divorce or a feeling of rejection and loss. Write those letters, keep that journal and when she is ready to make contact with you, give her the treasures. Others have painted her a picture of you that is unpleasant. When she is mature enough and is ready, she will find out what you are really like and be able to make up her mind for herself. I know that it can be really heart breaking, but sometimes when we want something so bad, we just have to wait. Never stop believing that some day you will again be together and all this will be behind you. God Bless.

It is so painful when someone you love so much treats you that way. I don't think you are going to have much of a chance to change things until her father helps you out. If people she knows are saying bad things about you then she will feel ok doing the same. Her father needs to tell her that it isn't right to ignore you and try to get her to accept you as her mother and stop being so disrespectful. It sounds like there may have been a lot of things happening in the past that has led to her moving in with her father and with another family in your home, of course she will feel like you traded her in. Just keep sending cards and letters so that she knows that you haven't given up on her. She may be expecting that so she doesn't want to get close to you. Even if she ignores them, she is getting the picture that her mother is there and loves her.