I Have a Mother In-law Who Sucks the Life Out of the Room.

It's amazing to me that some of the craziest people call themselves Christians. Christ said, "you will know my people by their fruit - my people love each other" (paraphrased). In ancient Christianity the virtues are:
1. Humility 2. Liberality
3. Chastity 4. Mildness
5. Temperance 6. Happiness
7. Diligence

The 7 Grevious Sins are:
1. Pride 2. Greed
3. Lust 4. Anger
5. Gluttony 6. Envy
7. Sloth

It sounds as if she has a LOT of problems with pride and anger. Pride showing itself as she knows everything better.

You can actually participate in her "sin" by being silent instead of doing something about it. So don't feel bad about protecting yourself. Even proverbs says not to associate with an angry person.

Slander, gossip, meanness, judmentalism will only hurt the person doing those things. Believe it or not, it's worse for her than it is for you. The new testament speaks against those behaviours. Maybe you can write HER a note, which talks about all of these things that includes scriptures. Holding a mirror to her behavior by showing her scriptures which is what she is doing to you, may reverse the tables on her and bring her to think about what she's doing. In this way could be beneficial (there's s slight chance).

I have known several people like this in the past. The only thing you can do is remove yourself from their presence, and pray for them. Hopefully God will open her eyes to what she is doing. However, don't be an enabler to her behaviour. Like another person said in the responses, "a woman and a man shall leave their household and become one flesh". Anyone who tries to divide that is working against God.

God bless you. I've seen other couples in your circumstance - a dear friend I had in Arkansas. I tried to help, but discovered the hard way, that the Mother in Law would attack everyone - including me. One day I lost my temper in return and told her EVERYTHING I had been feeling about what she had done and what her slander was doing to everyone and I never saw her again! Your MIL obviously has a big problem with unforgiveness somewhere and it's coming out of her as poison. She needs healing and counseling.

Dear J.,

You need to have a serious discussion with your husband and tell him exactly where you are (if you haven’t already). You need to be as open and honest with him as you can be (meaning that you have gotten to the point of considering ending your relationship with him just to not have to deal with her anymore.) Obviously this is not what you want, but he needs to realize that even though she is his mother who will obviously never be replaced for him, your mental health can no longer handle dealing with her. Although it will make some obvious challenges to not include yourself in family get togethers, or to not invite her to yours, and therefore likely make her actions worse, it's what needs to happen in order for you to save your marriage. I'm sure you've had this conversation with him to some extent already, but you need to draw that solid line and stand your ground for your own sake. You have tried beyond what most people would, and apparently what most people have (other than her husband and kids). Although I'm sure she has her reasons for being how she is, it's not your responsibility to be the brunt of her pain, especially to this extent. The ball has been in your lap to deal with the situation that you have no control over. You need to pass the ball to your husband and tell him where you are and he needs to support your decision, as difficult as it may be for him. He can continue his relationship obviously, but you cannot. Obviously you may have to just start having two celebrations for certain events, like your husbands birthday, but if that’s what needs to happen, then so be it.

I wish you the best of luck. You are not in an easy situation at all, and you’re not a horrible wife for feeling the way you do. Keep your head up and do your very best. That’s all you can expect from yourself.

My heart goes out to you. I had to deal with a simular situation for several years. I found it best to Pray for them. When ever a nasty comment was made I prayed for God to touch her heart and ease her pain. This may sound crazy but it actually worked. It's hard to feel ill towards someone when your praying for them and it aggravetes the person your praying for. good luck

Oh, J.- this is more than hard --- the MOST you can hope for is to keep your relationship with your husband'''clear'''. You have a completely impossible task- to be in relationship with a disaster-.

You might consider saying to your husband '' I know you can't fix this for me --- but it would help me so much if I knew you see how hard this is for me'''. If I were you- I would literally make a list of ''what you can do something about''' and ALLLL the things you can do NOTHING about -- because most of the dreadful things that are going on are out of your hands - one hundred percent. You can't make your husbands' Mom healthy- you can't change how she behaves- you can't change her access to your husband. I pray for your strenght- and for your sense of humer ( NOOOOOTTTTT because any of this is funny-- but because you need a sense of humor--- and a bit of ''chocolate'' -whatever gives you a sense of lightness and happiness and delight-. Whatever those things are-- do the best you can to increase those things- because you truly are under dreadful stress-- I pray for you, dear heart---

This old Mom is proud of you-

Blessings,
J.

If your husband believes in the Bible's teachings, have him read: Mark 10:7-9
"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."
Your husband married you, and at that point chose YOU over his parents. He can love and respect his mother and still not support her bringing her negativity into his or his family's lives (no matter how well meaning she is at saving your souls by her criticism).

Churches only kick people out for REASON. Usually because they are verbally poisoning the health of the church. If this mentally unstable and negative woman were anyone else, he would not have let her get so close to you or your children. Let him go to his mom's by himself if he feels it's the right thing to do, but don't back down on what you need to do for your own mental health.

I encourage both of you to go to counselling as others have said here, and see that your husband understands how hurtful his mother's influence is to you and your children.

You have my prayers.

She is pathological. Her "Christianity" is nothing more than the means through which she tries to manipulate and emotionally blackmail everyone.

If your husband wants to go, let him. But he has no right to ask you to sacrifice your happiness to be around her. Nor your children's. You are not in charge of your husband, but you ARE in charge of protecting your children. Do you want them to feel the criticism of that woman?

Don't make your husband choose. Let him figure this out for himself. The more you demand, the more he will cling to her in defense. Let him decide what is best for himself, but make it clear that you will do the same for yourself and the kids. You have that right.

Then you can celebrate his birthday when he returns...

I'm so sorry to hear that you are forced to deal with such a toxic person. I hope you are able to find a way to have joy in you marriage and your home life despite her attempts to take that away from you.

From what you have said, it doesn't sound like you can cut this woman completely out of your life. Maybe you and your husband can talk and agree on exactly how much you will be forced to endure her. If you know you will only have to deal with a face to face with her once or twice a year, that knowledge might help you get through the visits.

If she is constantly texting and calling your husband, maybe you could have times set aside when he turns his cell phone off so neither of you have to think about her.

If he believes the things she says about you and is starting to take her side, then I think you two could benefit from marriage counseling. I have a sister who divorced because her husband took his mother's side too often. Counseling might help you husband see how hurtful that is to you.

Even though your mother in law gives Christianity a bad name, the Lord can give you comfort in a way that people can't if you turn to him.

J.,
I am so sorry to hear about MIL. I thought mine was bad, yours truely takes the prize. Something that has worked for me with my husband is we set up boundaries and limits for me and the children having to see her. It did take a third party to help us get to that but it was worth it because I felt that same as you. We have been on this new program now for a year and it has worked great and Thanksgiving went the best it ever has. I think she knows now that if she starts anything I will leave immediatly and that means the kids do also. Maybe have your husbands brother try talking to him or try the councelor it is the only thing that worked for me, my husband is an only child and a son. You are in my prayers and thoughts, I know it is very hard. Something else you might try is just not going to her house, I am not sure how far they live from you but I just quit going with my husband unless it was absolutly necessary, I would just make up things why I could not go.
J. A

Hi J.! I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I have a MIL who is also nutty but my husband knows it. If your husband is at all accepting of counseling, I would really encourage that. Until you two can become a united front - you may (will!) continue to struggle.

I deal with my MIL by being courteous and that is it. Fortunately, she moved out of state and does not visit. But she does call and I say hello, exchange pleasantries and hand the phone to my husband.

I will you keep in you in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong!

J., sorry to hear about your dilemma, I have a MIL you sucks the life out of everything with her constant depression. My husband and I have just decided that we aren't going to let her get us down and we do as we please. However, it isn't always that easy.

I agree with what several others have said in that you and your husband need to communicate and consolidate. He needs to know that you are at your wits end and that you need his help.

I also agree that your MIL is not right in the head. If she was kicked out of her church, she obviously is NOT preaching correct gospel. Since this is the case it is important for you to check base with your kids about what they hear grandma say and what of it they believe or you believe. If your kids are 11 and teenager age they are very impressionable and it is important for you to give them a religious based foundation for them. You didn't mention what your religious views are, so you may already know all this, just covering all bases. :)

And one more thing, it is NOT that I am siding with your MIL, but you need to figure out why it bothers you so much what she says, is it just the way that she says it? Or are you offended by what she is saying because part of it might be true? It sounds like your MIL is pretty extreme, so I am sure that you are a good mother that provides good meals for you family and wholesome television for your kids to watch. You have older kids, so I do imagine they watch some shows that grandma, being the Bible basher that she is, is not fond of. So, remember that not everyone is perfect and that you are doing the best job you can - if you aren't then change those things so that you can confidently tell yourself not to be bothered by what she says because it just simply isn't true.

If your husband comes around and you are on the same side, have him lay down some ground rules for visiting grandma or when she comes to visit. My husband and I have done this, whether we are visiting his parents or mine (although mine are more likely to commit the wrong) if they undermine our authority with our kids, we will leave. While I know it would be hard and that feelings would probably be hurt, they know the rules we have with our kids and if they want us to visit then they'll respect us as parents.

Good Luck with all this, has anyone tried talking to your FIL? He could be a big help, but if he is anything like my FIL then he is just enabling his wife's condition. But, maybe he could tell her that if she doesn't lighten up that she is not going to be able to see her grandkids anymore because she will have pushed them all away. Maybe if he points out to her all the people that she's pushed away and how she has isolated herself she might listen and change.

Take Care,
M.

Know that whatever your mother-in-law says, writes or does to you is simply her opinion. And, her opinion doesn't really matter in the big scheme of things. I'd suggest you not "tell her off", because she is your husband's mother and she deserves respect for raising him.

If you think about your mother-in-law as having an emotional issue or even a mis-guided interpretation of the Bible, it might make deaing with her a bit easier. Smile and be nice, and I'm sure your husband will appreciate it.

Inviting you to stay at a hotel close to them for your husband's birthday isn't a bad idea. At least you won't have to stay in her home and be subject to all that entails. If your husband wants to spend his birthday with his parents, you should go. But you can let him know that you'd prefer to spend as little time at her house as possible. Take a sewing, scrapbook or other project with you to work on in the hotel room. Or, you could go sight seeing or window shopping if you don't want to stay in.

I think an invitation to stay at a hotel is a pretty good one. You can have a little bit of a getaway and have a place to go to when you "don't want to impose on your mother-in-law any longer.

Good luck. F.

I'm sorry for your situation. I don't know how to relate since I have never really had to deal with this kind of problem. I guess my only advice would be to see a marriage counselor since your MIL is weighing heavily on your marriage. Maybe a good counselor will help your husband deal with his mother in healthier way. You don't have to have problems in your marriage to see a counselor. They can bring an objective opinion to the family situation. If you do see a counselor, make sure he/she is the right one for your situation. If not, keep looking.

I wish you happiness.

K.

Try to NOT TALK BAD about his mother to him. It will only make it worse. Get to a good family therapist. AND get your husband to attend. Don't make it about how awful she is. I think (as a non-professional) that the therapy should be about keeping the communication open and honest in your marriage and how to respond to your perception of her. Perhaps see the counselor alone at first.

You are in a really bad place. If he is getting mad at you because of the problems his mother is causing, you really need to sit down with a 3rd party. Have you told him that you have contemplated divorce because of this? Does he get how serious this is? What about his brother? Does he have the same problem? Could you ask your SIL how they have dealt with this situation? Maybe something that has worked for them would work for you. You need to set some serious boundaries on how often you see her, take her calls, etc. Your husband should always take your side. period. How many mothers talk badly about their grown sons wives to their son!!!! Shouldn't this behavior be a red flag for him. Maybe he should ask his buddies. I don't think he ould get too many yeses. MIL may critize and complain about DIL, but not to their son!
You didn't say if you atten church, but if you do can your pastor/priest help? Some are better at dealing with these things than others. OR does your husband have a childhood pastor/priest that he trusts that you could talk to? that person would certainly know what you are up against and may have a way to get your husband to see what is going on here.
I would also be very concerned for your children. I would be very careful that she is NEVER alone with them. Who knows what she might be saying to them. She may be saying horrible things to them about you, themselves (their looks, hobbies, friends, talents, etc) or her misguided beliefs about God. Not to be jumping to conclusions here, but I noticed that your children are older than your marriage. I could care less, but a hyper-religious misguided Christian may have very negative feelings about that, no matter how it came to be.
In the end, I don't think confronting her would help. I am sure with the multitude of people who have removed themselves from her life, at least one person has put the mirror up to her face, told her off, or sat down and had a serious heart to heart with her. But life is not a Hallamrk movie and obviously that has not changed her. She sounds seriously disturbed and you cannot change that. The only person you have control over is you.
So, you can either choose to remove yourself and your children from her presence and let your husband go on his own and deal with his reaction to that, or you can have a few standard replies to her comments and work on setting up boundaries with your husband.
I have a friend who is married to a man with a woman similar to your MIL and I have watched her respond to her MIL and it really reduces the tension. My friend never gets sucked into to the drama that her MIL is trying to create. When her MIL says something critical, my friend says pleasantly but forcefully, "Thanks for your concern, but I think it's just fine." and walks away. end of conversation.
If her MIL says something rude, she says, "That was rude." or "I don't speak to you that way and I expect the same curtesy. Thanks!" and walks away to some other part of the house.
If she complains about something at my friend's home, for example, dinner, she says, "I am sorry that dinner wasn't what you expected. Feel free to decline the invitation next time. You won't hurt my feelings."
She has found that she has to be really blunt (without being mean) to get her point across. It makes her feel better that she has stood up for herself and not allowed herself to be treated badly, but hasn't done anything that others could misinturpret as mean. I think it is important for you to keep your communication with your MIL short and to the point.
The bigger issue is how your husband is responding to it, how your children are viewing it and being affected by it, and how your lack of feeling supported by your husband is affecting your marriage.
Good luck on this impossible situation.