In-laws and Birthdays

I just have to say, I hope you stick to your rules!!! I think it's incredibly rude that your in-laws are that adamant about doing whatever they want in front of your child. A grown adult should know better than to act that way - cursing and namecalling - in front of ANY child. I think you should invite them to the party, but make it crystal clear that nothing has changed and that your rules still apply, and that if they continue to act that way around your son they won't be invited again. Tell them he's YOUR child, so if they want to be a part of his life they go by YOUR rules. I don't think it's asking too much.

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Yes, I agree with you. All relationships have boundaries. They have more than overstepped yours. Hubby should tell them that unless they agree to the rules they will not be welcome. If they agree and break the rules after they arrive your hubby needs to calmly step up and tell them that they need to leave. It will be the hardest thing you guys will ever have to do but it will make them realize that you are serious. If this was a member of YOUR family would you allow it to occur? If you have people there from your church would you allow anyone to be subjected to their negativity? I do not care if they are family, if they can't respect their son's choice of a life mate then they need to get over it. Would you let another child at church or school talk to your son the way his family does? If not, then why is it okay for them to do it?
Here is the most important part. If your husband decides to let them come you must show your support for his decision as his wife. This is biblical. You do not have to agree with him to support him and you will make your point better if you use sugar than if you use vinegar. If things go badly, do not, I repeat, do not say "I told you so". He will feel badly enough as it is that he said they could come and they acted ugly. If you say I told you so then you will lose your ability to be a support system for him. It will also take away an opportunity to show his family that though you dont' agree with him you are honoring him as God requires. Read the Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. It is an awesome book that can teach you a lot about praying for your husband under these circumstances and it also helps you learn to pray for others. No matter what these people say or do you must maintain your cool. Otherwise you will look like a screaming unreasonable person. People cannot argue with someone that refuses to take the bait. You are doing what is best for your child based on what you know about his family. He will either stand with you or not. One thing to consider is holding the party in a public place. That way you are in public and people tend to do better in a public venue. Or you can have the party you want and meet your inlaws at a different time at Cici's Pizza or Gattitown or McDonalds. That way if they get ugly you can pick up your child and go home. Be sure your husband tells them why you are leaving though. If you just say "gotta go" then it won't mean much. He should say something like "I had hoped we could have an enjoyable time celebrating the baby's birthday. You have stepped over the line and we must go now. When you are able to be civil and appropriate let us know. I can't have you teach my child to act in this manner. I love you but our time together is over for today." Then you get up and leave even if they apologize or cry. They will probably be stunned and you won't be faced with having unsavory people in your home that you must then try to remove. I would then have him follow up in about a week with a note stating something like "I am sorry we did not have more time together the other day. Let me know when you are ready to try again. I love you" You cannot change people but you can change how YOU respond to their actions. If you refuse to engage and argue it will be one sided and you are free to leave. I have had to do this with my ex inlaws and it worked after a few times. By the time the ex and I were on the outs, my inlaws were in love with me and now don't talk to their son because of how he treated me....lol. It did take about 6 months though to make the change and start to see results. You and hubby must draw the line in the sand and be ruthless about enforcing it. You can have all the separation in the world but if you don't clearly state your expectations and that you won't tolerate anything less for your child's sake, it will never be better.
Good luck
C

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I think that since they are your husband's parents he needs to handle them. Obviously his mother does not like you so she probably would not listen to anything you have to say anyway, so it's just better for your husband to handle it. I understand your husband wanting his parents there... it's a hard situation. I'm not quite sure what I would do if I were you... I'd probably be posting on here as well. =) You need to have a good talk with your husband about this. If he agrees with you then he needs to decide how important it is to have his parents there, and if he truly wants them there he needs to make sure they understand "the rules". If he doesn't totally agree with you, you two need to come up with some sort of compromise. I wish I could be of more help to you. I'm interested to see what others have to say.

If your husband decides to let the in-laws over and they decide to come over and make a scene, you should have a plan prepared. What will you do? Better yet, what will your husband do? Sounds like your MIL doesn't have a hobby or enough to do, so she's nit picking her son's wife and family rules. It's your house, it's your son and you should not feel guilty for keeping bad influences out of your child's life. They can do what they want at their house, but you don't have to go there and take your son along. The in-laws sound like "right fighters". They'd rather be "right" than happy. And by right, I mean they must think you're infringing on their rights to cuss, speak racial slurs, etc. Let them go live in their world of sin. :o) Your husband is caught in the middle so he has to find his voice and speak up for his wife and son.

A. PLEASE,STOP WORRYING YOUR NEVES ABOUT YOUR IN-LAWS.JUST WHAT THE WORDS SAY GOT THEM THROUGH MAARIAGE. PEOPLE WILL SAY AND AS THEY PLEASE. INVITE THEM TO YOUR SON'S BIRTHDAY PARTY,BECAUSE RIGHT NOW HE DOESN'T UNDRESTAND WHY HIS GRANDPARENS ARE THE WAY THEY ARE. IF THEY GET OUT OF THE WAY AT THE PARTY POLITELY ASK THEM TO LEAVE AND DON'T MAKE A SCENE WHERE THEY SEEMS LIKE THEY ARE THE VICTIMS. JUST SAY I THINK YOU GUYS HAVE CAUSED ENOUGH HEARTACHE AND ITS TIME THAT YOU LEAVE.ITS NOT WHAT YOU SAY ITS HOW YOU SAY IT SO YOU WANT HURT ANYONE FEELINGS OR CAUSE STRESS UPON YOURSELF.
LADYDEE

I totally understand where you are coming from. I tried to put rules down for my ex-father-n-law about his alcaholism. I got sick and he and his wife picked my then husband and newborn up. He was drunk as a skunk despite my rules so I made him pull over. He died of alcaholism shortly after.
What I am saying is, raise your child safe from unhealthy influences. These people sound like angry,spiteful people and those are not the kind to have your son around, family or not. If they refuse to follow your "bounderies" I would have a private party without them. Your husband is wrong to go against your wishes but he is also in the middle and probably feeling uncomfortable. Once a man leaves his parents, he is obligated to his wife and children first. The Bible says that and I commend you for wanting to raise your boy under the guidance and safety of Christianity! Praise the Lord for Christ.Please stand your ground and never allow your son to see you get bullied by anyone! God Bless You!

OMG I can't beleive how selfish they are being. I could'nt agree more with you. If you let them in without agreeing to YOUR family rules than they have no reason to change. And boy do they need to change. Stick to your plan and if they care enough about their son and grandbaby they will agree to behave. If not than they are not worthy of such wonder and awe that is a grand-parent. I pray for the best for your family what ever happens.

S.

If your son was 3 years old and you gave him rules to follow would you give in and let him act anyway he wanted? You must be in a tough spot but it seems to me if they wanted a relationship with their grandson they would want to be on best behavior around him. Good Luck

Hey there, i know how u feel i have the same trobles with my MIL and FIL .My hubby and I have been 13 years and they are still at it.The best thing for us was to shut them out of our lives and belive me that still didn`t help but , I don`t have to deal with them as much.I have alot more to say.Maybe we can chat sometime.U can e-mail me if you like. ____@____.com wish u and your hubby all the best and just keep your head up and know that your hubby LOVES U !!!

Hugs,D.

the only advice i have is to make sure it is your husband that does all the confrontations with his parents. they are HIS parents and if they hear you telling them what to do, they probably will just see you as a nagging "outsider", but if they hear their own son tell them the rules of his family, then they will be more likely to listen and comply

maybe it would be good to have a separate time to get together with his family. go out for a birthday ice cream, before or after the party at your favorite local creamery. (you don't have to let them in on there being any other celebration.) it will be much harder for them to cause a scene in public, and it will keep your home festivities from the strife of family fighting.

It sounds like you have put up with them long enough. You could give them one last chance to act better, but you might consider temporarily cutting ties with them. Thank goodness your husband is a wonderful man inspite of his parents. Write them a letter and tell them your terms one more time and that's it.

You shouldn't feel bad about protecting your child and family from their influence. They sound like contact with with them would do more harm then good.

My husband and I had to do a similar thing with my mother because of her abusive behavior. As an adult, I can put my foot down and say no more. And as a mother, I would not expose my own child to that kind of situation.

Hopefully your husband will back you up since he also agreed to these rules. It's hard to deal with family, no matter how horrible they are.

God Bless,
R.

I have been married for almost 15 years. I have had problems with my in laws since we started dating. You need to stand your ground and demand that they obey your wishes. Tell them if they don't respect you they should at least respect your child. If that is how you want to raise your child then They should respect that for his sake.
Go ahead and let them come to the party but let your husband know that if they start acting out that you will be forced to ask them to leave. It's your family (you , your husband and your child) your rules for your child and they need to respect that.
That is how I have it at my house. My in laws can come over but if they start acting like fools and getting ugly then they are asked to leave and my husband backs me up. YOu need to have your husband stand your ground and have your back when it comes to you and your family. If it means for him to disrespect his family then so be it as they are disrespecting his immediate family. YOu and your son. You are his family now and he needs to stand up to them for you .

Hi A.,
I am going to tell you what i think, you might not like it.
This woman offered you money to get a divorce? She is trying to break up your family! As long as she doesn't accept you as her daughter in law, she has no bussines beiing at your place anyways. Have a Birthdayparty without them, and take him over there house the next day, so they can 'celebrate'. And if they can't act normal you can leave with your family. Your husband has to understand you in this case and make a decision on whose side he is. A.

Unfortunately you can't pick and choose your familiy, in-laws or otherwise. It is difficult to explain my thoughts but here is how I explain these issues when they come up in my house. I have a 7 y/o girl and 10 y/o boy. Every family has different rules or lack of in their household. The rules or as I call them expectations for my kids are always going to be different from their friends or other family memebers. Just because their cousin is allowed to lie and use vulgar language and get away with it doesn't mean that my children are allowed the same freedoms. I firmly beleive that the expectations and morals that you instill in your children will stay with them every where they go-even to other family or friends house. I've tried the "rule" thing with my husbands family before. For example, they wanted to have a bbq for my son's first birhthday. Beer and all. I was totally against the alcohol at a first birthday party. It created a huge distance between the family because they felt as though I thought they weren't respectable people for wanting beer. That wasn't the case at all. As frustrating as it is you can't change everyone's view when it comes to raising children. Just surround yourself with many people who have the same views as yourself. Please remember that you are the only person in this world that know what is right for your child-no one else. You're child will one day realize that your in-laws don't make good choices. Until then, just raise your child right and everything will fall in to place.

A.,

Ok, here is my two cents worth. I would invite the in-laws. Sometimes it is hard for people to come back and say "Yes, I will follow the rules". It hurts their pride. And if there have been issues with you and your mil in the past it will be even harder for her to swollow her pride. Especially if she has not seen her grandson for a while she might take you seriously. Invite her. If she starts making a scene your husband needs to ask her to leave. She needs to see that he supports you and will not tolerate her breaking the rules. And I would also suggest he be very direct with her and tell her the reason he is asking her to leave. That was the key with my mil. She had to hear it from her son ... not the woman she didn't respect.
Good luck. I hope your son's first birthday is wonderful.

A. K

hi A.
I'm sooo sorry to hear about your inlwas and how they treat you and your family.The word that comes to my mind is (selfish) these poeple sound very selfish.How can they treat thier own son thats not to mention is fighting for our country and is already under alot of stress,to just add all of this stupid nonsense. you know what I would say to them "that when they can grow-up and be better parents themselvesby all meanse be a part of your lives,and be a family" I know it can be really tough to have family like that,I have'nt spoken to my own family in years because we have differnt belifes.But family is family and in times like these we should all put are diffrences aside and just love one another.I hope every thing works out for and your family.

sincerly vel.

Older people really resent being told by a younger person how to act or what to say. However, your happiness and wishes should come first with your husband. However, if your husband has been away in the Marine Corps, I am sure he has missed his family very much. If you don't think it would totally ruin the birthday, perhaps they could come because your husband would like them to come and perhaps if things do not go well your husband will be able to reason with them about respecting your wishes. If families truly love each other they can usually reach an understanding but if not then it may be best if they don't come and upset the party. It is very hard to get along with in-laws if there were problems even before the marriage. You are to be admired for wanting to raise your son in a Christian environment. It is God's will and your son will respect and love you even more for teaching him and leading him in the right direction. God bless you.

Hello A.,

I understand what you are going through. My mother in-law has not liked me since day one to this day she has nothing to do with our children by her choice. We had the same problem so what I did to make my husband feel better about his parents not showing up is. We invited them to the childrens parties, and we reminded them that we would like them to respect us like I respect them. When they decieded they did not want to respect me I asked them to leave nicely. That way I gave my husbands chance a try and they where still asked to leave. I know it is a hard thing to deal with because I hate that our children miss out on there other grandparents, but that is the choice they made. My kids have not seen them for the last four years, and for the first time they will see them at a family reunion for my husbands grandmother Sat. we will see what happend.
Hugs and Good luck!
M.

oh wow! that just doesn't sound like people i would want my child around. and i agree, if you let it go now, then how will it be any different in the future? they should be kissing your feet to let you see their grandchildren and those are your children and not theirs; what you and your husband say goes.

BUT, the big thing is that you need to get your husband to be firm on this and let him do the talking to his parents. don't get in involved unless it comes straight at you. let him do it. it's really not your responsibility to take care of things with his parents. you should never have to be put in that situation.
if they really love your kids, your in laws will respect how you want to raise the kids and do things the way you want it because they just want to see the kids. apparently, they love themselves more!
my in laws make mistakes but they love my kids so much that they will do whatever it takes to be with them.

good luck.
R.

Dear A., As always seek the Lord and let Him lead you. I assume your husband is in agreement with you about 'the rules.' Which I commend you for this. I do the same with relatives or their friends. If you both are in agreement, he has already committed to no rules - no seeing grandson. He must stand by that decision. it is just like a child if you make a threat, (ex. if you don't clean your room I'm gonna take away your TV, something like that.) you must stick to what you said or the child will learn you do not mean what you say. The child learns that mommy or daddy will not go through with the threat. So will his parents. If you give an inch they will take a foot.If they are allowed than you've open the door with an open invitation where "no rules apply." Yes, this seems harsh, but if they truly love their grandson than they will abide by their son's wishes. God Bless you and your Family.

I'm sorry that you and your husband have to put up with this. I had the same kind of problems when my first son was born. When my inlaws would babysit we would give them certain rules and instructions, and they completely ignored me. They did not like me telling them what to do since they raised three kids they thought they knew better than I did. It caused a lot of problems that as he got older they backed off alittle but I recently had another baby so I know they will come up again. So I say stick to your rules its your baby and don't let anyone tell you how to raise your child. Soon they will realize what they are missing out on. Good luck.

Sorry they wouldn't be there. They'll ruin your day and your son's 1st birthday. NO WAY NO HOW. I don't care what your husband says. Unless there is a heartfelt apology with agreement to not just follow your rules.....they need to act like adults. Cursing, using racial slurs, and acting like idiots is just unacceptable in any situation.

Seems to me, they're set in their ways. Pray for a miracle. Until then, BAR them from you and your family. If your husband loves you and your son, he'll support it.

G.

Your mother in law does not need to like you, but she does have to respect you as a wife and mother. Not only that, but you and your husband came up with these rules and they are not difficult! If other family is willing to respect that, they should as well-for their grandson's sake! My mother in law is great, but she has said that if her grandkids are grounded at home, they are not grounded in her home-therefore, my son's stays home if he is in trouble, because I don't need her spoiling him when I am trying to set boundaries. Also, my husband is very supportive and will say something to any of his family who forgets or disrespects our rules! Your husband needs to do the same and stick to it regardless of the special occasion! They can see pics! They obviously do not mind missing out, if they are not willing to act accordingly for a couple of hours!

Wow, this is a tough situation. On one hand, you want to protect your baby, and keep the atmosphere safe and calm - - just as you wouldn’t let him play in a dumpster, you wouldn’t idly stand by while someone is committing acts that go against your beliefs. On the other hand, you don’t want your son to grow up without knowing his own family. I commend you for being a concerned, proactive mom. Many more are needed these days! I believe that you and your husband have already set the tone for what is acceptable in your household. If the in-laws cannot comply, then your husband (not you) should ask them to leave. The mil needs to hear from her son, not the woman she tried to get rid of, exactly what is acceptable. If the disrespect from her continues, any attempts to continue to invite her into your home = blatant disrespect to you. I pray that everything works out.

Hugs,
J.

hold tough and dont invite them. this is what might break them. i mean who wants to miss their grandsons first birthday? hold tight i know its hard believe me my mil is no saint either. good luck and let us know what happened.
L.

Girl you have alot on your plate. I too am raising my son in a Christian Home and with the world being what it is... well I do my best. The only thing that even comes to mind to hold on to your convictions, you have them for a reason. Pray with the power and authority that God had given you to take charge over this difficult situation. You do not want to make it to were they think that Christians are crazy. Just stand your ground. And let God guide you and your husband.

A.~You and your husband have to stand your ground. Do not give in. Just like a school teacher showing her students who the "boss" is you and your husband need to show his parents the two of you are in control of your son. If they can not respect you and your husband (their son) and do what you have asked, they do not deserve to be in your son's life. I know this will be very hard on your husband, but if the two of you give in it will only get worse. They will think they have won. If you keep them away from their grandson, in their eyes you will be the bad person...not your husband...but they will someday realize they will have to abide by the rules the two of you have set up or they will not enjoy watching their grandchildren grow up. God luck and most of all PRAY, PRAY PRAY for their hearts to be softened. Through God all is possible.

I think that if they cannot abide to your rules then they should not be invited. He is your child. If that is what they need to do in order to see their grandchild, and be with him on his special day, then they should do it. If you let them break the rules then they will never abide by them. Your child is precious. He does not to be in the environment that his grandparents are making for him. So I think that they should not be invited unless they go by the rules. If not then it's on them.....

I think you need to do what you think is best for you and your family. If they do not listen to you and go by what you and your husband wants for your child then they are not allowed around your child. Now if your husband wants them to come to the party then he needs to go talk to them alone and get them to understand why you are doing this. If they say that they are not going to listen to you about your own child then you do what you think is the best thing. Maybe you could only let them come to the party and then that is it. Let them know that they will only see their grandchild on his birthday and then that is it, until they understand that whatever you and your husband says goes for your child. Hopefully they will understand and come around eventually. Good Luck!!

Sounds to me like she will just hang her self for lack of a better term.
If you let them come, and they start acting un-couth, spouting profanity and saying inapropriate things around all those kids, they will look like fools infront of everyone.
Maybe a little public humiliation is the RX for them!

I commend you for sticking to your rules! I have issues with my mil about our rules. It's tough, i know.

Keep up the good work!

Dear A.:
You cannot enforce what they do on THEIR side of the fence, you can only reason with them and ask them to adopt a sensible policy.

In your house, you make the rules. Now is a good time (he turns 1, so he is pretty uninvolved on a cognitive level) to establish what you want on YOUR turf - assuming you and your hubby agree. Plus, what you ask for is not unreasonable. It is not like you are making them hop on one foot or crawl on their knees.

Be prepared though that they may DECLINE to see your son. If cursing and lying is more important to them, that is GOOD.

Irrespective of 'turf', what makes more sense: To take a break from moral rules or to take a break from bad behavior? However, if for example Christian and Jewish beliefs collide, you may want to play those differences down. Avoid talking about Jesus (different views) but focus on the commandmends (same views AFAIK). You can defer your prayers until after they are gone or switch to silent prayers. Kind of like a truce...

Regards,
W.

I just recently got a divorce after 5 1/2 years.I got along with some of my in laws...but what I have to say is that if you do invite them to the party they would have won. I would not invite then unless they agree to your terms. I know that the first birthday is the most special but, I would call them and tell them that the birthday party is coming up and if you can not agree to what you and your husband want then do not show up. If they love their grandchild dhe should be willing to make that scarfice.

I hoped I helped

Hello A.:

What a horrible perdicament to be involved in. Never-the-less, stick to your guns. Personally, I would NOT invite them if they were not going to agree on the rules/standards/morals/issues that you set for your son. Just the way you have your rules, I am sure they had theirs when your husband was growing up and probably did not take any sh*t from anyone about them. Soooooooooo, you can tell them they are not welcome around your son until they can follow the rules that you & your husband set. Hope this helps & good luck. Happy birthday to your baby!!! L.

A.,

Stay Strong!!!!! If your husband is giving in to what you BOTH agreed on in reference to your son, then he cares more about what his family thinks than raising his son properly! I know this situation all too well as my 2 year-olds father and his side of the family have no problem using the F-word as an everyday adjective and they have all receintly been investigated for manufacturing METH!!!!! (some have even been arrested) As a result, my son does not know his father or that side of the family and I stand by that he is all the happier for it.

If your husband puts his parents/family before you and your son, then you know what that is telling you. You have a BIG decision to make at that point.

He is breaking under peer pressure (most men do), but you stand firm. If you don't they will NEVER take you seriously again!

Your house, your child, your rules. Would you allow your child to play with a child who acted like your in-laws????

S. D

I belibe you should ask your n laws to follow the rules. The should I have been through this, I stuck to my guns but it took a LONG TIME!! Good Luck!!

Well...my situation is not quite the same as yours, but we are still having problems. My mother-in-law was awesome until I had our son. Now I am fearing more and more that she thinks she is my sons mother and not his grandmother. We made a list of rules and posted them on the refridgerator (because we are having to stay with them for a little while). They took them off the fridge and laughed at them and threw them away. The reason I made the list is because they ignored our spoken rules, such as our son not being able to eat anything with dairy in it because he is lactose sensitive, or the fact that i wanted him to have fresh fruit instead of candy. But what I have learned is that if you back down they will take as much advantage of you as you will let them, so don't back down....and just try to get your husband to realize it is for the good of your son, and he should understand. Good Luck and God Bless.

A., hate to say it but you are probably better off w/out them in your little family's life. My husband & I have had problems w/his side of the family ever since we've been together. We've been married 5 yrs & I've tried getting along w/them the whole time but they just keep saying terrible things. My husband & I have 3 children & we decided it was best to put our energy into raising our kids w/out all the negativity so we have cut all ties w/them. Our life is much more peaceful. I didn't like seeing my husband suffer emotionally & although he misses them we feel we made the right choice. You can only go some of the way & your in-laws should meet you the rest of the way. I know it's hard to understand since you only have 1 child but it took our 3rd child to finally realize that we were making no progress & wasting time & energy trying to make something work that just couldn't "work". Our kids come first! Good luck to you!

A.,
Stick to your guns. If your in-laws loved (read: respected) your family, they would at least follow your rules in your presence. The rules are by no means odd or weird, like only having green M&M's in your house. You want to be able to raise your child the best you can, and you can't do that with them around. Don't let them push you over- it seems that's what they want. If the in-laws were interested in seeing your child, they would have made an effort, and it doesn't sound like they have. Stick to your guns- you'll be glad you did when you see the wonderful young man your son will grow up to be. Take it from one Marine wife to another- it's tough, but we're tougher!

stick by your guns!!!! your that child's mother if your dh's parents will act like that to you then they need not be in your life or the life of your child. negativity breds negativity

Kill them with kindness!! It's hard to be around people who don't like or respect you or your wishes. Just be the bigger person be super sweet and they can do nothing but complain how great of a person you are! I found inspiration in a pastor Joel osteen! He teaches nothing but positivness!!