I Have a 7 Year Old Misbehaving and Rude

Because he has had an unsettled situation, I cannot help completely (he may need someone to work with him). But I did work in daycare for years, and I can help you with the time-out. You need to move his time-out spot to somewhere where he cannot interfere with whatever you are doing. If he is making annoying sounds or grinning, it doesn't matter because you don't even know about it! Time-out needs to be removed from fun, toys, and an audience. Try a spare room or dining room or something like that. You might also try taking things away - toys, games, computer time, whatever he values. Good luck.

Punishment only works if it's something you care about... your grandson apparently doesn't mind giving up his freedom for a time.

If my daughter misbehaves, she is sent to bed to think about what she has done. This gets her out of the situation and does not tempt her to make a scene and disrupt the rest of the family like your grandson is doing.

If being sent to her room for a few minutes does not do it, or if the offense was major or repeated then she loses something. It may be an event she was to attend or a special toy or a privilege like watching her favortie cartoon.

When she does the behavior, I tell her "you are going to be punished for {whatever she did}. Your punishment is going to be {name punishment}. Do you want your punishment or do you want to change your behavior?" I always give her the chance to do the right thing. If she chooses changing her behavior, I say "Ok, what should you have done instead?" and then she tells me what her good behavior should have been. That way she knows right / wrong behavior, consequences to her actions, and how to make her own good decisions. She also learns that misbehaving is her own choice, as is receiving punishment... so she is the one in control of her own situation and not me or anyone else.

If she chooses to continue misbehaving, or if it is a major offense or one that she has repeated frequently in the past then she loses something. Once she has lost the item for a time, I give her the opportunity to earn it back by demonstrating good behavior. Again, she learns that SHE is the one in control of her own circumstances.

But, one of the most important things is that I don't just punish her bad behavior. I frequently reward her good behavior. So if she's draws on a wall, she gets punishment because she knows we only use crayons on paper. BUT another time when she is coloring for awhile and has only colored on paper, I make a big production out of it. "Oh my! What a great coloring girl you are! You only used paper just like you're supposed to. Time for a good egg!" and we keep a little basket of plastic easter eggs on the kitchen counter with rewards in them like stickers, a little piece of candy, a new dress for barbie, etc. That way she doesn't just learn proper behavior from punishment which feels bad. She also learns correct behavior in a pleasant way which feels good.

Your grandson seems to be asking for more attention. So in addition to punishment/rewards, maybe it's time to smother him with some good old-fashioned love. Hug him a few more times a day. Tell him you love him a few more times a day. Tell him how wonderful he is and how lucky you are to be his grandma. Even though we do it a lot, sometimes kids need a heavy-duty dose of it. They don't know how to ask for it, so they act out instead. Good luck!

You are going to have to find something else to do if you cant enjoy TV while he is being punished. He knows he is getting to you. Now you need to get to him. What does he like? Is he in any activity that means a lot to him? The punishment has to deter the crime. Ground him for several days, send him to bed without supper- bread and milk only, put ear plugs in and read a magazine. Never let him see you upset or angry. Just be matter of fact and firm. If you have to go outside and sit on the porch, do so. Or get busy washing dishes, mopping floor etc, so you dont pay attention to what he is doing in time out- better yet have him help you and then he can sit in the corner.
If you do not have custody and are just babysitting, make sure his mom or dad is punishing him also when he gets home. For my own kids I washed their mouths out with soap for rude remarks or bad words. You are bigger than him, so get him in control before he is too big to control.

Your will needs to be stronger than his.

Kids usually act out for a couple of reasons: 1 - they're always testing the limits of the boundaries; which leads to 2 - if boundaries aren't in place well enough, then this happens.

As Dr. Phil says, kids need to be able to predict with 100% accuracy the consequences of their actions. If they know there's a consequence and there is no question as to whether or not it'll be enforced, then that decreases the odds he'll act up.

Start setting out the ground rules - or ammend the ones that are already in place. Might even be good to set a chart on the wall listeing them. Let him know that you expect him to follow the rules (even in the car or outside the home), and there will be consequences if he doesn't.

Also set up a reward system, so that you aren't just focusing on the bad behavior but the good behavior. If you guys go on a car ride, and he's good (doesn't torment his little brother, behaves, etc.) then at the end of the week, you guys can go out for an ice cream cone at McDonald's.

He's a boy, and they're so different from little girls! It seems like boys need particular care in trying to teach them appropriate ways to vent their frustrations or behave appropriately. If time outs (done the "Supernanny" way) aren't working, then you'll need to find an alternative way to get through to him. I saw her set up a "chill out" area for a family the other day. When the boys got extra "wound up", the mother told them, "I think you need to go to the chill out room" and the kid did, and was able to play with some toys and chill out before an incident happened with one of his siblings.

Just a few thoughts....good luck!

Having been a "strong willed" person my entire life I want to defend that strong will. Strong willed children must be guided in the right direction without dewstroying the strong will. I am positive that my strong will is what has helped me "make it" through life. In my opinion it has probably got something to do with being "different" than other children in school and the need to feel loved and safe. My youngest daughter was not my biological child and we went through many difficult times because of the difference. I suggest talking with the child about why he is doing what he is doing. Children know, usually, regardless of what some experts say. Assure him that if he needs a hug from anyone all he has to do is ask. Don't allow him to disrespect you. Tell him that you will not do that to him and he will not be permitted to do that to you. Tell him that when he runs from you that you will start counting and every number you saywill be one more minute that he has to sit. I would suggest using a timer and letting him see how the time adds up.(suggested time out is one minute for each year of age) I have done the same thing for the noise and not staying on the chair. The rule was -"you must sit quietly and stay on the chair" I would start the time over everytime there was comments or she moved from the chair. The child should be reminded that it his choice how long he sits. Seven minutes or ___, as you have to keep adding minutes. It sounds like he is looking for his place in the world and needs to be reassured. Stick to your guns youe will not be sorry in the end.

I agree with kitty's response so I won't repeat that part but will add that it's nit uncommen for kids to misbehave with an absent parent in hopes the parent will return; even if it's unrealistic to us.
Also this may be a time to start introducing positive male into his life. Big brothers?

Hi S.,

First I want to say that I think you are a very special lady for caring for your grandson. I am sure you didn't invision a "do-over" parenting young ones, but I commend you for your commitment to him.

Some things to try,

Give him opportunities where he can be a "hero" to his little brother and be there for him in a positive way. Let him teach little bro how to brush his teeth, or let him help him pick out his clothes or jammies. Find his currency, so that what you ARE taking away matters to him. If he likes video or computer games, he loses them, outside time, TV time, early bed time and so on. Ignore the attention seeking and the rude noises he makes. If he knows it bothers you then he wins. Instead, play a board game with the others in the house - something that rude noises won't bother.

Have a list displayed with expectations on it that are short and simple with corresponding consequences and rewards depending on good or bad choices. And whatever you do, follow through.

Give him some one on one time with you each day so that he gets attention in good ways.

God bless you, S..

L.

Try positive reinforcement. I have a very strong willed niece. She always seemed to be fighting with her parents and screaming from her room during time-outs. I created a chart on a piece of poster paper and hung it on the side of the frige for all to see. She was only 4 years old so I gave her 5 or 6 "jobs"... (ie - no time-outs in day care, pick-up her toys before bedtime, brush her teeth before she went to bed, no time-outs all day, go to bed without a fight, etc.) For each one that she accomplished each day she got a little star sicker on the chart. (Stars were never taken away or used as bribes... they had to be earned.) When she had 25 stars we made PBJs and went to the park... or maybe went to the mall and rode the merry-go-round. The older kids can have a larger goal (maybe 50 stars earns a reward - more/different "jobs" (maybe an A on a test paper... being quiet during TV show... a day without hurting his little brother...) The reward can not be too far away (such as 1,000 stars) and the reward is about special 1-on-1 time with you - not an expensive toy or game. It worked miracles on my niece. Her mom and dad couldn't believe the difference.

You can try calling the following resources to see if they can give you some assistance

Beech Brook 216/831-2255
Applewood 216/741-2241

They work with children with behavioral concerns.

Please consider enrolling him in counseling or have his school counselor talk with him. :)

Sounds like you need to have lots of talks about appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Talk about WHY it's inappropriate and what are other options.

Give him brother responsibilities and acknowledge him for helping and good behavior.

If you let him take charge.......he will. Make SURE you do what you say and don't give in. Set rules if you don't have any and make sure there are consequences if they are not followed. Have HIM be in on figuring out what some of the consequences are. This way he feels like he has a say in things - a bit of control. BOUNDARIES!! BOUNDARIES!! BOUNDARIES!!

S.,

Because he is hurting his younger brother, I would not just tighten up the dicipline, but I think you should consider a developmental evaluation. You don't say if he ever responds to the time out with any success, but if you cannot seem to find a tecnique that works for him, then you may have more issues than just what to do to correct him.

Developmental Pediatricans are a good place to start, they can be found at children's hospitals and are not your regular pediatrican. You can be sure if you start here that you have not missed anything and follow the plan without wondering if you are doing the right thing.

Good luck,

M.