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Hi,

I completely understand. I have felt that way before. What we ended up doing is switching churches. It was the best decision I ever made! We are soooo happy with our church and we love the people there- and they love us~ I would advise you to go and visit 10-12 different churches that are similar to your core values and beliefs. Then write the pros/cons of each one. Especially the ones with the programs you need for your family. This will help you with your decision. Then give your church one last chance. Talk to that core group of people and express your fears. Be open and honest and ask them point blank--is there something you have done to offend them? Is there a way to be closer? See what they say and see if they reach out. If they don't there is your answer.....GL

M

I have attended churches in which a significant number of people were warm and inviting. I have attended churches in which no real warmth was shown. I would switch churches, if I were you. There could be another group that is truly willing to embrace new people. You might ask your neighbors what they think of their churches.

On the topic of being an outcast, also try to be aware of what signals you might be sending out. I've known families who have trouble fitting in, and it can be for a number of reasons. If you wait until others introduce themselves and 'include' you, you might not be making it easy enough for other shy parishioners, who may interpret your behavior as a wish to be left alone. If you tend to be defensive, that shield will make other people feel less safe approaching you. If you are fashionistas, others might be afraid they can't live up to your style. If you want to be seen for your individualism and make a point of dressing in counter-culture fashion, that will throw off a lot of traditional families. If you are a 'geeky' bunch, you might need to look for group activities in the church that appeal to your interests. So be aware of whatever part you may play in this dynamic, and if you find something, deal with it honestly!

Time for a new place to worship! I spent many years in a Jewish congregation that didn't like me very much for a lot of petty reasons. Unlike your group, however, they let me know just what their problem was with me! It seems the top three reasons I was disliked were that I didn't dress up enough while pregnant for services, I taught at a Catholic school, and I named my son Christopher. After a stint as Rabbi's secretary, I learned exactly where this hoity-toity attitude came from. The Rabbi! I quit as secretary after only 4 weeks and left the congregation a year later when I moved. I was part of that congregation for nearly 6 years before I left.

The tiny congregation I joined in my new community has been the best ever. I have rediscovered my own love of Judaism by watching this group focus on worshiping as a community and educating our children (as opposed to being nominally involved to set a good example for my children).

The most I hoped for at my pre-move congregation was to get my sons through their Bar Mitzvahs. Thanks to my post-move congregation, I have two sons who love their faith, defend it against the naysayers at their schools, and proudly wear their tallit and kippot (prayer shawls and skull caps) at services. For that reason alone, I would encourage you to find a church in which you feel included. Find a group that not only believes as you do, but ACTS on their belief in Christianity. I shudder to think what my sons would think of Judaism if I had stayed at my pre-move congregation.

My grandmother always said religion was great until people got involved. That said, it's time to find new people!

Good luck!

You should definitely begin exploring and visiting other churches. Ask your neighbors, have your children ask their school friends - where do they go to church.

I go to church to worship, learn about biblical teachings, and for fellowship. If you do not feel included then you are missing out on a huge part of the church experience.

I recently had a similar experience with my church - but once I looked closely, and spoke with the Pastor's wife, I realized two things (1) I was not making enough of an effort to get to know people (2) some folks had been with the church for almost 2 decades and they were not making much of an effort either (3) we were all misreading each other and assumed that the other was just stand-off.

Once I began to be more open and not expect everyone to approach me, and Pastor's wife made it gently known that we were feeling left out, things improved tenfold.

If you have spoken with your Pastor and still feel "outcast" then it is time to look for a new church.

Good Luck
God Bless

Jaimee - I really feel for your situation and for how difficult it can be to find a new church. I really encourage you to start looking for a new worship family however because life's too short to have to put up with that kind of immaturity. Discuss the reasons behind your decision to leave with your church leadership and encourage them to pursue some correction for these families.

Ask around for recommendations on where some of your friends or acquaintances go to church. Visit a lot of churches and ask a lot of questions. Most of all pray and ask God to delight you with a church body where you are welcomed and valued and can pursue Him without burden.

God Bless

but how do you feel fullfilled spiritually? ah-that's the question my dear. Those others that are outkasting you and your family will be dealt with and the church wouldn't be a church if it didn't have the body and from what you describe here -it sounds more like highschool than church-lol! As christians we are supposed to be there for one another to pray, to support, and uplift and be intercessors. It doesn't sounds like you or your family is getting fed here at this church and if you were getting partially fed then I might say for you to fast and pray for these people but you know what I think its time to explore your options and if and when you have they will always be there when you decide otherwise. Unless of course others follow your suit because this type of thing is exactly what is going to push the hungry ones away to a church that actually feeds their people what they need instead of it being a clique or just another high school act. I'm so sorry that these people as christians are being this way-they need a revival-literally! LOL!

Maybe pray about it as a family?

If you do leave, I suggest talking to your Pastors first. It is not fair to assume they wont care. Now that you have become sensitive to this issue, you may carry those concerns to your next church. Better to resolve what you can and give God a chance to work on the situation you are in now, or at least voice your concerns before you leave.

My Pastor always says he would like to know why someone leaves our church. He would like people to leave with his blessing and without a lot of " what ifs" on either side. When you think about scripture, it says we are all one church, so it makes sense to talk to the Pastors before you leave because we are all supposed to support and grow together, becoming more like Christ, and by leaving this church you don't really leave the body of Christ, you are just moving to a different part.

We are all a work in progress, including your church leaders (and especially the teens...). We all need God to come in and fix messy situations. You are valuable, loved by God, so why not speak up and shed light on a situation that you are concerned about? Try not to worry about looking bad, just ask God to have a hand in your situation and to show you what you need to do.

I felt the same way for a while. What I did was to tell the click (cliche?) that I felt excluded and wanted to be included. I told them that I sometimes had a hard time fitting in and I sometimes had a hard time making friends.

Some of them were surprised and said they thought I was somewhat standoffish and didn't want to be approached. We had a really nice talk. My wife and I were invited to do things with the cliche/group. I made sure to invite others so they would feel welcome. Every week we had someone new moving in or passing through I would invite them over for dinner after church. One of our lady leaders was greeting one of these new families when I came over and during a pause in the conversation, I introduced myself and invited them to our house for dinner. The lady that was talking to them called me "Our Ward's (congregation) Welcome Wagon". Later she asked me if there was anything she could do to help.

I did what I could to be included. If they had ignored me I would have tried something else. Matthew 25:40 is one of my favorite scriptures. One of the scriptures close to that says something like, "When saw we thee a stranger and took thee not in?" I did my best to be included.

Good luck to you and yours.
(My church has a congregation near you. If you e-mail me I'll find someone there to contact you. I'm sure you would be welcome.)

I totally agree with your "So What Happened" comment. Especially since it's non-denominational, it makes it easier to change churches. As a youth, I've been to a church that was like that. I didn't like it at all. Some people are just clichy (clicky - how do you spell that?). I'm sorry that happened. It doesn't make sense! I don't get it. I hope you find a church where you can be accepted fully.

I was at a church like this once. Very cliquey. Core group of people who thought they were so Christian, but didn't ever try to include anybody in their circle. I never felt shunned, but also never felt included either.

The last straw was when my ex and I were having marital problems and decided to divorce. It was like we were lepers or something. My non-christian neighbors were way more helpful, supportive and kind to me during that time that anybody at church. So I left and found a much better church.

Don't waste your time at a place like this. You aren't going to change anybody, and people will label you as a complainer. I have a good distrust of "christians" after my experience, but there are so many other churches. Just go find one!

It's time to find a new church.
This one isn't a good fit.
LBC

You need to leave.
Church should not be a place of stress and discomfort. It should be a place of acceptance and love. If you are not feeling it there, then it's not the right place for you or your kids. If your kids aren't happy there, they'll quit going as soon as they have the choice. Time to move on to a place where you are cared about!

It sounds like way more trouble than it is worth. Is it not supposed to be the place where everyone feels welcome? If it is causing you grief find a new place or find another way to show your faith. Life is too short to waste energy on negative people. Gotta love organized religion.

I think you, as a family, should decide on one service a week. The same one. And go through the phone book and look at churches that believe similar to your beliefs. On that one service per week visit a different church. I think you might find that you really like one out there somewhere. This way the kids still have that consistency and are not suddenly tossed to the wolves of a new youth group that may already have a lot of friends in groups. If you find one that just makes you feel wonderful when you leave then talk about it and see if the family is game to try another service or two during a different time plus the one already in place.

Yes, you should switch. People like that are not worth knowing. Move on and find quality people like yourself.

Please switch! You don't want your kids to get a bad taste in their mouth and grow up to not want anything to do with organized religion... show them how it is supposed to be. That fellowship is incredible when you are with others who are like-minded. Good luck!

Go elsewhere. The Lord loves you and your family, and will lead you to where you belong, and where you can find the support you need in raising your family. After all, God gave us our families to help us become what He wants us to be. I will be praying for you as you work through this transition!

I would go find another church - you do not want your kids to think that this is how church is everywhere and be turned off to God.....

I think the Lord gave you your answer in your post!!! I am sooo sorry that ya'll are having to go through that. It is such a tragedy when there are cliques at church, you would think church is the one place you can go and be accepted by all. I will pray for your family, and I also think maybe you should switch churches. Maybe the one you find will need ya'll and it will be mutually beneficial!

If you sat down a wrote a list of ALL possible things why your own church family of seven years sort of shuns you and your whole family, forget about what ALL you do or have done for your congregation, just get right down to the nitty gritty. I know it is not very Christian to shun ANYONE because of personalities or personal habits or just the down right attitude of "when I see this person (these people) coming, I just want to run the other way!" This could be anything from personal hygiene (too much perfume...not enough perfume) to gossip about others, poor me syndrome, judgemental attudes, and the list could go on an on).

I would have gone to my pastor a long time ago. After seven years if you love your church and the message the senior pastor delivers, I would give it one more try and talk to the church leaders and elders. Other then that, I think it might be time for you and your family to find another church family.

I wish you all the best.

Blessings.....

Doesn't sound like these people are very good Christians to me. I'd switch churches.

Is this a small town and ya'll moved here from somewhere else? If so that is why they will never accept you. I know from my personal experience moving to a small town from another state at age 12. By the time I graduated and turned 18 I still was not accepted at my church or anywhere else in that town even though my dad was a deacon. None of the kids talked to me and I never got invites from anyone so take my advice and run like hell.

i liked what Peg had to say and she said it soo gently. I do not feel involved either, but i realized I don't really like the people at my church and I wasn't trying hard because we just werent' a good fit. Dh enojys it adn has friends that are much older, their wives are nice to me but I woudl rather be with people going through the child raising years like i am, if i need advice I have lovely family that have been there done that.

I know how hard it can be for the kids though, and that is so important. This is where what peg says really comes into play, Why is this happening? is it your highschool past haunting you? is your world travelign making them feel like they can't connect with you? EVen if you do research other churches and end up leaving, YOu really really owe it to others that might join after you to speak up to the youth pastor or the senior pastor and documtent that you feel excluded so that this doesnt' contiue to happen. I'm not saying that well, but there maybe others that feel like you do.

find a new church. try a different one each week until you find one that feels like home.

I know you have received a lot of responses, and I hope you find what you are looking for. I know for me when I am searching for something or not feeling right about something I take it to the Lord. I ask him to direct me or bring someone into my life that will show me his will for me and my family. If you ask with real intent, and are humble enough to hear him, he will guide you to what is best for your family. I encourage you to check out this website and see if it is something that might interest you and your family, it has made a HUGE impact on my life and am very greatful to have this religion for my family. www.mormon.org. God knows you, and wants what is best for your family, he is just waiting for you to ask. Hope this helps

You HAVE to find a new church!!! We have tried plenty of churches (some like the one you are describing), but a good church will not have people like that in it. I am glad that you have made the step to look for something new. It can be scary, and it can take some time (it took us over a year and a half), but once you find it, you will be SO glad you left! :)

They way I look at it is if you don't feel at home there, then you need to leave and find the one that fits. It took me awhile to find a church but as soon as I stepped into the one I attend, it felt like I found home. You don't want your kids to get a bad taste of church so I would look for another. Every church is different regardless if it's the same denomination so you just have to find the right fit for your family. Go exploring....Good luck and God Bless.

One of the reasons for attending religious services is fellowship. Without it, you might as well just watch a televised sermon. I would look for another church where I felt wanted.

I think I'd switch if we went to church and it were my family!

LEAVE! I applaud you for sticking it out that long, you've given it more than enough time. However, I am wondering what the deal is?! Did any of your family members have a "run in" with anyone? did any of the older kids say anything to someone in their group that would have offened? Is their a "profile" that most of the people fit, and how similar is your family? Most churches ARE loving and accepting, what is wrong with this place...did you miss a memo that went out to members ;) I'm sorry it's not working out, you will eventually find a fit for your family. There is a place for everyone... God leaves no one behind!

I went through this 2 years ago- with a church that I had belonged to my entire life! It was a really difficult decision but we looked around and found an awesome church that we are now attending! My kids love it, we have made some really good friends, the sermons are really good and thought provoking. and there is a real sense of unity and genuine friendship through out the church. We don't know everyone there and due to other circumstances we don't go as often as we would like, but we always feel welcomed when we are there and missed when we are not. Find a different church- it might be hard at first, but if you are really looking you will find exactly what your family needs.
~C.

Don't settle for a church like this. It should be so much more. The people who go to church ARE the church! Although no church is perfect, it should be a place where you feel you belong, are welcomed and loved by your church family. When I find myself whining/complaining, it's a red flag to me that I need to get unstuck and take some action to change my situation. If I were you, I'd start visiting other churches.

I'm glad you have decided to move to another church. People like you are a asset to any congregation. Just realize their loss your gain to go to another church. In Christian Love, N. P.

I've never seen a church or large organization that didn't have it's share of gossips and a few cliques. From what you've described, there is more going on here. It's so easy to dismiss these people as being poor examples of Christians. But look a little deeper. Take a moment for introspection and see what role you play in it.

You are saying they are loving and kind to everyone except your family. Have you ever heard the phrase "wherever you go, there you are" You can't run away from issues within yourselves and may find yourselves in the same situation at the next church. It sounds harsh, but try to examine your behavior and mindset and recent interactions to pinpoint what is happening in that moment that people are pulling away from you. For instance, you meet a new person, are assigned to work a booth with them. Things start off very friendly and then at what point do they turn chilly toward you? That's the moment that needs prayer and reflection. Pray that whatever you are doing to alienate yourself be revealed to you.

You say the youth leader was best man in your wedding but you aren't close anymore. Now youth group isnt accepting of your kids. The 2 might be linked. Why are you not close anymore? Examine that relationship and the disolution of it to find why people might be upset with your family.

This is NOT a Christian Church or a Bible based church -this is a High School clique...

I wouldn't waste my breath on the pastor nor would I waste my time with the youth pastor either as from reading what you wrote - they don't care.

leave. Find another church and leave..don't look back...learn from this experience...as they say - those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

Find a church that is truly bible based and open...I'm TRULY sorry this is happening.

I think the Lord gave you your answer in your post!!! I am sooo sorry that ya'll are having to go through that. It is such a tragedy when there are cliques at church, you would think church is the one place you can go and be accepted by all. I will pray for your family, and I also think maybe you should switch churches. Maybe the one you find will need ya'll and it will be mutually beneficial!