I Don't Know What to Do. - Navasota,TX

I have 2 step children and we went through some similar issues. We were advised that I as the step parentshould not discipline them, let their Dad do it. I did not think this would work as I spend more time with them than he did, but low and behold we took this on about 1.5 years ago and things are very different. The taking away and punishing from me NEVER worked. We all get along better now that Dad does the disciplining. I still take care of them, and do everything but the discipline. Try it, it actually is good for everyone, especially if you are pregnant, you need a little off you plate. Good luck!

Hi B.. I am no expert here but I have participated in tons of courses, programs, etc. on the subject of parenting and can offer you a bit of educated advice on this subject. It sounds like you have not found the "thing" that gets through to your child and she is acting out because that's how kids respond when they are not getting something that they are needing (time, attention, etc).

We all have different "love languages" (read the book - 5 Love languages for children -it is GREAT) and you must speak to the heart of the child. Study her. Figure out what makes her happy. Try spending time alone with her. Tell her you want to understand her better and want to know what you, as a parent, can do to help her to make better choices. Ask her how she feels. Is she sad or upset about something? Does she feel that she does not get enough time with you? I can promise you that if you put just a little time into building a relationship that is open and if you give her the time that she is demanding (that's what the bad behavior is suggesting), you will get to the root of the problem and will be able to work through the issues together.

Hi B.,

Alot of times when step kids are involved, I think they sometimes have mixed feelings about, the stepmom that has come into the picture, and surely, once other kids (babies)start coming into the picture. Maybe she's feeling neglected, being that, there are more kids in the house and one on the way. Also, it's best that she always see your husband and you communicating on the same page, because, when that doesn't happen, children have a tendency to get excited about it and feel that they have control, rather than the adults having control. I have an eleven year old stepdaughter. When I married my husband she was six years old, and we went through all kinds of behavior problems with her, simply because, before me, my husband would let her have her way. But that's not the way my parents raised me, so, I was not having that from a child living under my roof. I have to say, we did use the spanking method, but also, my husband and I had to learn that we would come to an agreement with situations concerning her and not argue over her for things about her. Now, she's a much better child than a few years ago, but, we still have to get a little tough sometimes and let her know, we mean business, when we say something of importance to her.

My advice to you is to keep in communication with your husband...It is very important that she see that both of you are on the same page with her discipline...get the family together and set up some rules that everyone needs to follow...maybe she feels left out..being a stepdaugther, I don't know...but maybe that can help you out...that she feels like everyone is getting treated the same and fairly...I hope this helps in some way...Good Luck

Thanks
M.

Hi B.,
I'm sorry your having such a rough time, especially being pregnant with all those hormones. Pregnancy is a time where you would just like everything to go smoothly. Regarding your relationship with your step-daughter... It sounds like a power struggle has ensued. I am wondering what sorts of things does she "not listen to"... And what is your husband's take on it? You mentioned that you two are starting to disagree. And though I don't know all of the details I am able to hear that you have gone the punitive route (grounding, taking away things etc) and its not working. To me it sounds like the two of you need to have a weekly night where you and she spend time together alone and connect. Sometimes letting a child know that they are "good" valued, and appreciated makes all the difference in the world regarding their behavior. And believe me, I know how hard it is to be the one to make a kind first move when you feel like the other person is being horrible to you. But often, it just works.
Lots of luck!
A. - mom to Dominic (9) and Julian (6)

I know that this is probably not what you want to hear, but YOU should NOT be the primary person disciplining your step-daughter. Your husband should be. I love my step-dad. I have called him Dad my whole life. He and my mother made the discipline decisions together, but my mom enforced them. This way I didn't resent him, and treat him like an outsider. This didn't mean that I wasn't to respect him at all times, and do what I was told. You and your husband being divided is the worst example you can show your kids. Form a united front, and maybe think about some counseling for your step-daughter to help you guys through this rough patch.

My first impression is that she is desperately trying to gain your or your husband's attention. You may try telling her when she acts up that since she is having trouble behaving, she must need a hug and shower her with affection. I'll just have to hug you until you agree to mind the rules. Tell her that you're going to love her no matter how ugly she acts or how she feels about you. Pretty soon, when she starts acting up all you'll have to say is "Do you need a hug?" The main thing is for you to maintain control of yourself and stay calm. Otherwise you are handing all of the power over to her. Also, if the behavior is an attempt to get attention, at least she will be satisfied with positive attention instead of negative. I would starve the negative behavior by only giving it the most minimal acknowledgement possible. Never let her see that her behavior upsets you.

Take every opportunity to praise her for good behavior and positive participation.

Good luck.
D.

B., I don't believe that it is really your position to punish this girl. She is actually not your daughter and probably resents you for taking her mothers place with her dad. The dad should be handeling the punishment. She would probably much more respect him than you. I had many step parents growing up and while I wasn't a bad child, I would never really respect any of them - especially the ones trying to discipline me. You just have to think about her feelings and how she must feel that her parents are no longer together and here is this woman trying to tell her what to do. I believe she should definitely respect you and your wishes, but the dad should do the punishing.

B.,

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this! I have a 4 year old stepson who is doing the same things and I am so frustrated also. My husband and I have an 8 month old daughter and I refuse to let her grow up acting the same way that his son acts. Im at the point that I want supernanny to come to my house and help me keep my sanity!! It makes me furious when he wont discipline him and he babys him. If he gets to the point where he wont listen to me, I take him to his dad and tell him to do something about it and I just walk outside for a break. You and I have alot in common so if you ever need to talk just email me or call me at ###-###-####. Take a deep breath and just know that I completely understand how you feel and know that you are definitely not alone!

K. Ginn

Brandy,
I know what you are going through. I have been dealing with my stepdaughter for the last 6 years. She is now 12. We've tried the whole restriction from the phone, having friends over, spending the night with friends, etc... We have tried counseling through the schools and even through the Star Program at Buckners. Unfortunately in our situation my stepdaughter has alot of negative influences from her mother. We have had custody of them for 6 years and nothing has seemed to make a difference. So should you find something that works for you, please do let me know as well.

Stepmother to 7...ages 9-19, and mother to a one year old.

Is she the only step-child? Could she be missing her mom? I had a step-daughter too and I would notice that when she missed her mom she would act out in ways I felt I could not handle. She may need some alone time with just you and her.

You two have to form a bond in order to make things work. She has to know that you love her as much as the other children...especially if she is the only step! She may be feeling down from many things and punishing her for having feelings might not be the best way to go about it. You can't just let her run amuck she needs boundries, but remember that there may be something emotional behind her behavior!

Good Luck. I hope you both find a way to communicate what is going on with her!

Please dont think you are alone! I have 2 stepkids myself. Long story short we have custody of a 8yr boy and the mother has the little girl age 6. She is a handfull. Her mother and I have NEVER seen eye to eye and she puts out alot of negetivity about me to our daughter. The older she gets the worse it seems to get. We now have her for a month and let me tell you this past couple of weeks have been no picnic. I have to remove myself alot. The only thing that we have found that works is to treat her like she treats us. Not quite as bad but enough to get the point across. She seems to be responding well so far. If you need someone to talk to that knows what you are going through please feel free to email me anytime at ____@____.com By the way my husband and I have been married for 6 years and the kids are now 8 and 6.

B. darling, The first thing you need to do is relax your self. I too have an 8 year old stp-child (boy) and i too went through this. What i did to change him was simple I started making him my friend. Follow this steps (given to me by my mom). When making plans to go out has a family to a restaurant ask her if she would like to pick the restaurant/fast food place. (take turns with your other children). When going out shopping for yourself ask her for her opionion on an outfit you might be considering buying (if she dosen't like it just let her know that you would let her pick the accesories and wear them with the outfit so she will feel like her opinion does matter and you do care. When you want her to clean her room ask her in a way that it does not sound like you are demanding. (i'll clean my room and you do yours, let's see who cleans it up neatly and quickly). even if the bed sheet is on crooked compliment her and ask her if you can show her how to fix it for next time. When watching t.v. as a family as her to seat with you and with the other kids, so she does not feel left out. And speak to your husband about this ideas you have to improve your relationship with her and ask him to please encourage it. And if you have other daughters plan a staurday morning mommy and me morning or mid day. If you have boys ask you husband to plan a day with them so they don't feel left out. And remember blood is thicker then water and that is his child and you are the stepmom no matter what (i learned the hardway) he does not like to be in the middle of this type of situation. (when you have to discuss her please do this behind close doors, because kids love to play parents against each other. I am still married and my step-son adores me.

good luck, G.
e-mail me let me how it turned out.

Hi B.,

The whole parenting thing is so hard. When my son was 7-8 things got really crazy. Your description fits how he used to be. We signed up for family therapy. We let him know it was not all about him, but rather all about us as a family and how to get along better. Our therapist told us that all children are different and that some children just don't reposnd well to punishment. We put our son on a reward program. Basically everytime he did what he was supposed to, he got rewarded points. We put some easy things in there like brushing teeth and making the bed, as well as things that will help him grow and be responsible like taking out the trash and helping put away laundry. As well, we had catagories for temper tantrums and arguing. So when he was bad, points were taken away. Bottom line is when he hit certain amouont ofs point he was rewarded. It turned everything from negative to positive. We still have ocassional problems, but this made a world of difference for us. Email me back if you would like me to send you a copy of the reward chart we created. We also signed him up for Karate. It has helped him learn about respect and patience and self control. It helps feed into the self confidence as well.

Good Luck! CJ

Are you sure you dont have my kid? HA HA...
That sounds exactly like my 8 year old. YOu have to find the one thing that gets to them. It is different for every kid. It took me awhile but I found that if I take her TV away she gets so upset. Anything else and she could care less. My 8 year old is my difficult child so hang in there and now that you arent alone. HUGS!