Husband with Bipolar II and I Think It Is Time to Seperate

I have an ex husband. And trust me when I tell you this...enough is enough when you CANNOT be in that house around him for ONE more second. Until you get to that point...you are accepting it and still trying to make it work. When you get to that point, kind of a peace comes over you and you just KNOW that you are done. Its very very tough...I wish you the best...

Take a deep breath and call his doctor and describe what happened. Have his doctor verify what he is on, what the dose is, and whether or not anything in his medication regimen has changed recently that would explain this behavior, or whether or not this med at this dose has run its course and needs to be increased or supplemented. I know that you are scared and exhausted, but think of this in terms of fighting his illness, not him. His illness has the best of him right now, which isn't fair to you, your kids, or him. He needs your help to fight this. That doesn't mean that you have to leave yourself and your kids in harm's way - I think that after what you described, I would tell him - with his doctor - that you are frightened for yourself and your kids and need him to find a place to stay until he is stable again. Perhaps if he has family members who know of the illness, you could speak to them in advance and ask if he could stay there for a while.

My husband has cyclothemia, which is a slightly more stable form of bipolar II (and some of his docs have dx'd him with BPII). He was on various SSRIs for many years on and off and they are just not the right medication for him. He did well on Lithium and Lamictil, but had reactions to both so now he's on Depakote, which seems to be working OK. I key to his treatment is my feedback to his doc on what is and isn't working. If you aren't in regular communication with his doc and don't have access to your husband's information with the doc, change that ASAP so that you can all be on the same page and on the same team, battling the common enemy, which is your husband's illness and not him. I wouldn't give up on your marriage until you have exhausted all medications and therapies - get the space that you need to feel safe and the support that you need to re-charge your batteries. It must be so draining to deal with his illness and your son's needs as well - take care of yourself as best you can so that you can take care of your family. I wish you the best as you weather this storm!

Ugh - after reading your SWH, call back his doc and tell him that this is an emergency and you need to know what you need to do to get him to be able to talk to you. I believe that he just needs to call your husband and get his consent - as a professional clinician, he may not be able to tell you anything but he should be able to take information from you and advise you on how to proceed. You, him and his doc being all on the same team with total transparency is MUST. I can't tell you how big a difference it has made in helping my husband get through his episodes more quickly and easily - those who have mood disorders cannot be left with the responsibility of self-reporting their manic or depressed symptoms to a clinician in the middle of an episode - it just doesn't work. Find a way to ensure your physical safety and then push this disclosure on your husband as a requirement. And shame on the doc for not pushing for this from the get-go.

If it was me, I'd get out (with that physical issue happening).

On the other hand, if you guys split how will you feel if he has the kids alone at some point?

You really need some help here to sort through this issue.

My heart goes out to you . . .

ETA: After seeing your additional comments - is it possible to go to the court house and get an emergency temporary restraining order to keep him out of the house for the next week or two until you can get professional help? Either that or I would go straight to a women's shelter with my kids. Please be careful with him (not that I think you should antagonize or anger him either). Your main goal is to keep you and your kids physically safe for the time being.

So I read your what happened. If you are going to try to work this out you may want to insist your husband sign the HIPAA forms so the doctor will talk to you. It seems like the fair thing to do. At the very least his doctor should be taking notes of what you say so that he can discuss it with your husband at appointments.

http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/games.shtml

Take a look at the link above. Separating from him is the right way to still keep him in your life (if you want to) but not subjecting yourself and the kids to his illness. I think you and both your children have suffered long enough, perhaps the kids will carry some scars but it's never too late to try to save them. This is coming from somebody who was also married to a bipolar man (left him as soon I realized it, though). My ex's mother is also bipolar and tortured him (psychologically) as a child in countless ways. Unfortunately illness produces illness. Educate yourself and be brave, save what's left of you and your children after 16yrs of pain, you will not regret it. Good luck.

I am sorry to hear about your situation. My ex is also Bipolar II. Dealing with a person like this is absolutely exhausting, physically and emotionally. I "walked on egg shells" for years. I am now better at realizing that I am not the cause of his behavior, but it's still hard. I still do care about him.

When I left him after 17 years of marriage and 22 years together, he had been diagnosed with chronic depression for many years, but after we were divorced his diagnosis was changed to Bipolar Disorder II. He also has anger issues that he has gotten counseling for, but has not ever been physically abusive with me or our daughter, but can be verbally abusive.

I had considered leaving for several years before I finally did. What convinced me was getting counseling for myself and going through a Life Coaching program. Also, knowing that I did not want our daughter to think that this was what married life was like. He was also abusing drugs at the time and I was concerned for my daughter's safety. She was 4 1/2 when I moved out. He had lost several jobs and had been repeatedly unemployed for months at a time.

Since then he has not abused drugs, gets regular counseling and medical care, takes several medications, has gotten put on permanent disability through both the VA (he's a physically disabled vet) and Social Security. Many people who are Bipolar are on Soc Sec disability because the disorder makes being effective in a job very difficult. Not having to hold down a job has reduced my ex's stress level considerably and helped him stay stable enough to be a very good father to our daughter.

Because of the volutility of your husband's mood, I would suggest thinking through your plan and putting a plan in place before you say anything to him about leaving. I might also suggest talking with someone with experience with domestic violence prevention: http://www.ci.seatac.wa.us/index.aspx?page=263

You need support to deal with this, so please reach out to people who you trust, and people with experience dealing with this disorder. Good luck to you and your family.

It's possible that your husband is indeed taking his meds but that they need to be adjusted. They don't remain static for years on end but need adjusting/increase for various reasons. You can mention what his behavior is like to your husband's doctor without asking for information in return and suggest that his medication isn't working as well as it was without crossing any lines. But his doctor does need to know these things.

I'm really sorry that the incident occurred in front of your children. While he's physical like that with you, and with such a short temper, it's possible he could lose his temper like that with the kids. Separating is probably a good idea. That doesn't mean that the end result must be divorce, but the kids' safety and yours are paramount. Hopefully if you're not in the house with him he'll still be able to even out.

Sounds like his medication still needs to be adjusted. Your husband can sign a waiver that allows the doctor to discuss his treatment of the Bipoloar if he is willing. Also, get another opinion from another doctor. People with BiPolar can do very well with a proper medical regiment and therapy. Don't give up yet. I think you still have some opportunities to explore before throwing in the towel.

I can relate to you. My brother in law is bipolar too, we were living with my in-laws for a while, and it was like walking on eggshell around him. *HUGS* After he attacked my husband, we figured it was time to get out of there. Have you thought of talking to his doctor or a family counselor in your area for resources on helping you and your family?

I do not know where you live or the options. I do know one thing that no one ever tells you, not docs/rehabs/inpatient/counselors......I went thru the suicidal in crisis husband calling his doc and being told he could not speak to me....bit. Two things that MUST CHANGE as far as info out there and NEEDS to be out there for ALL people in this situation. BP person signs forms so his DOC and Counselor can speak to you. You are first line of defense for this person. It is crazy that everywhere anyone goes to for bp info does not SHOUT this out first.

My family 5 people wrote letters to this doctor when I could not get him to call me back telling my husband was in crisis, possibly going to hurt himself, psychotic episode.....DOC never called....

The second thing.....that needs to be out there-In our area we have what is called a mobile crisis unit through a group called SANTE. I called them. My kids and I couldn't see him suffering anymore or suffer ourselves. Like your husband who through my experience seems to be in need of hospitalization and stabilizing, we sometimes need to step in. If you have such a thing, they usually come to your house appointment or as a surprise. Assess person. They will get it done. They are pros. And a plan will be made. It is confidential when you call. They assessed him, had him a bed at hospital by next day, they will follow up with family and docs.

I pray maybe there is some way to get him help.

No matter what you have to take care of you first and kids.

And BTW, the Doctor returned my call three days after my husband in hospital. It has been three weeks of trying to reach him.

I feel very sad for you. Going through this is so hard. I have a friend in the middle of a divorce right now and her husband is bi-polar and she also has an autistic son. I can tell you that my ex also had mental issues and I stayed around thinking that with my love things were going to change. Never happened!! I spend years of my life being miserable. I can guarantee you that once things start getting physical then it only gets worse. No one deserves to be treated like that. My ex would always turn everything around to be my fault. I mentioned divorce and things were always because of me. It was a losing battle. Finally I just had the locks changed and gave up on talking to him and took things into my own hands. I don't know how to approach this subject with him. I guess you can sit and talk to him and go from there.

I agree with you; I think it is time to separate. The bottom line is that you need to keep yourself and your children safe, and if he has escalated to being physical once, there's no way to know for sure that he won't do it again. Do you have family or friends you can stay with for awhile? Just until you can calm yourself down (I know you must be shaken up by him being physical like that; I know I would be) and talk to a professional (like your therapist) about what to do. I don't like the fact that your doctor won't talk to you about your husband; how are you supposed to help him and support him when you don't know more about how to deal with him? Bipolar disorder, like any mental disorder, is difficult for the whole family, not just the person suffering from it. Does your family therapist have experience with bipolar patients? Possibly he may need a different doctor who can be more supportive and try other combinations of medications?

Also, something else you could do is to try and find a support group of other people who have spouses/family members with bipolar disorder. I think it would help you a lot if you could find others who have gone through what you have gone through and learn what has worked for them and how they've handled it. Ask your therapist, ask the doctor, and do some online research to see if there are any groups like that in your area. Good luck!

You have been there for him, over and over. G-d bless you for that--it is so hard to keep doing it, and riding the roller coaster up and then down....

However, getting physical crosses a line of safety...... Think about if it were one of the kids--you'd probably be out the door so fast his head would spin. Well, your life and safety are equally as important (and in some ways more so because the kids rely on you to keep them safe and healthy, and you can't do that if YOU aren't safe). He's crossed the line once, and it'll likely be even easier for him to cross it again, and perhaps with even more damage.

Yes, he's sorry, and yes, he is suffering from a disease. But maybe it's time for you to separate for a while. For him to see that if he wants to have his family, he needs to be more proactive about getting his meds fixed. Separating doesn't necessarily mean it's over, but it may give you space and time to think, without the constant stress and emotional turmoil. It might give enough space to think through things and see what changes he's willing to try to make, and whether you can continue.

And frankly, I'd call the therapist and the doctor and tell them about this, in no uncertain terms, that you need help NOW and you need them to be more proactive.

I'm so sorry you are in the situation. My heart breaks for you and for your whole family. I will be praying for you. (hugs)