Husband Wants to Go Drink After Work.

well, on the one hand, a couple of drinks after work from time to time is no big deal at all. so i'd need more info on why you're so against this.

but i do see a few potential red flags here. not sure because your information is so sparse, but i think i'd take a somewhat dim view of drinking at 5am. but maybe i'm being silly. if your husband is in tune with this shift and has been for a while, that's his 5pm which is cocktail hour for many.

is it that you don't like the new guy? is his single status some sort of cause for alarm for you? is it that you think your husband will therefore be around single girls? i guess it's possible- but the singles scene isn't exactly flourishing at 5am.

the broken promise is an issue. but why was the promise extracted in the first place?

why do you track his every move? why do you check his phone?

and most importantly, why don't you trust him?

okay, maybe even more important, why are you pregnant with the child of a man you don't trust?

hard to say what to do without more information.
khairete
S.

You guys need to sit down and have an adult conversation where you come to a compromise that works for you both. He is a grown man and does not need to be mothered, but he is also a husband and soon to be father who needs to grow up. There is nothing wrong with needing time with friends to unwind, so agree to maybe one night a week after work, like Friday, is guys night (my husband and his buddies do it on Wednesdays), and then find a night for you to spend with your friends (we do a book club because we are all into reading, you and your friends might decide on a movie night, or going for drinks, ect) so you feel things are fair and balanced.

L.,

Welcome to mamapedia.

I'm sorry - You do NOT trust your husband. He is your partner NOT your child. You should NOT be tracking him - damn - that's REALLY sad.

Being pregnant, I'm sure your hormones are all over the place. However, you are NOT his mom. You are his PARTNER. Either you trust him or you don't.

You need to LEARN to communicate WITH your husband. WITH means sitting down and talking like an adult and compromising - talking TO him? Means you are controlling him and dictating what he, as a grown man, can do.

Does your husband have a problem with alcohol?
DO YOU have a problem with alcohol?

What is your problem with the situation? That he will be driving under the influence? that's a legitimate problem. However, are they drinking alcohol or coffee???

What do you expect from your husband? It's 5AM - what are you going to be doing at 5AM??? Pacing the house waiting for him?? Girl. breathe. You need to chill and trust. If you don't trust. Divorce him now and save him the agony of having to prove himself to you every day. I know that sounds rough, but really - take a step back. Are you 19 or 20? You expect to control him and watch his every move???? You need to take a step back. Communicate WITH him.

Marriage counselling, now. Neither of you trust/respects the other. Your relationship is in trouble.

ETA: As explanation, here are the things wrong with this that I can see:
- you gave him what appears to be an arbitrary ultimatum instead of working out a compromise.
- he agreed to the ultimatum, but then broke his promise
- instead of discussing his change of heart about the promise, he tried to sneak around
- you are tracking his phone as if he's a misbehaving child instead of treating him like an adult

In other words, you are both behaving badly instead of having a real conversation to come to a compromise you can both live with.

L.. Your marriage is in trouble. You don't trust him. You are treating him like a child.

You need to tell him, in a mature way, what your problem is with this. You can't accuse him. You need to be honest and tell him you are tracking him. Your marriage won't survive with secrets.

If it's about driving while intoxicated? Tell him that. Are you sure it's an alcoholic drink? What if it's coffee?

Start acting like a partner and not an untrusting mother. Your marriage is doomed with that behavior.

Welcome to Mamapedia!

Can you elaborate a little more? You can add to your post by clicking the edit button, and then writing "ETA" for "Edited To Add" - that will help us.

When I saw the title and read the first few sentences, I wasn't sure it was a big problem, that someone wants to go for drinks after work. But then I read that he works the night shift, so are you saying he gets off at 7 AM? So where is he going for drinks at that hour? Or do you mean he works evenings, gets off at midnight, and then goes out because bars are open until 2 AM. Is he drinking to excess and then driving? Is he doing this every night? Or did he just do it 2 times (did it once, promised not to do it again, but did so anyway)? There's a big difference.

What do you mean that you are "tracking his every move"? Are you tracking his phone by its location? Are you following him physically? Do you not trust any man because you have been cheated on or lied to before, either by him or by another man? Where else does he go? If he goes from work at midnight to a bar for a drink or do and then gives the other guy a ride, can you explain what you are upset about? Is he drinking to excess and then driving? Is he spending precious dollars on things you consider frivolous? Is he not telling you he won't be home? Those are problems. Is he running away from his responsibilities at home? Do you get the feeling he doesn't want to be with you at all? Do you object to alcohol for any reason? Are your pregnancy hormones kicking in and making you especially sensitive? Do you think there is something else going on with these men? An affair? Other women? Gambling? Drugs? Illicit activities?

The point is, regardless of the answers to the above, you don't trust him (so you track him) and he doesn't trust you (if doesn't tell you where he is). What you do is, you go to counseling. If he won't go with you, go by yourself. Work with an objective professional who is in your corner and who will help you sort out all these questions.

Well, I don't personally see a problem with this other than he's going to be driving after drinking a couple of drinks. That's not good.

The thing I don't understand is why you don't want him to go over there after they get off and hang out for a while at all. He might not even have an alcoholic drink, he might have a bowl of cereal and milk.

The fact that you feel the need to track his every move makes me wonder if he's going over there to have more time away from you. Okay? not to be mean but you sound very controlling in your post. Written words don't show us the full picture though so that's why I am writing this. Perhaps you are being to controlling and he doesn't want to come home to you right after work. Maybe he needs some down time before he comes home.

Do you let him go to bed when he gets home? Do you have a long list of things you want him to do? Do you demand he spend time with you? He needs to sleep, all day, so he can keep his job.

Maybe you guys need to sit down and get to the bottom of the real issues.

It would help a lot if you explain why you are not ok with this.

If my husband were to get a drink or two every night after getting off work, I would have a problem with it for several reasons. First, simply because he is a recovering alcoholic, so that would be very bad. But let's say he wasn't. I would actually have a problem with it simply because evenings are our only time with the kids during the week. We can't both be with them every evening (to much going on), and I definitely think it's ok for adults to have drinks with friends occasionally. But not every night!!! If we didn't have kids, I think I'd be ok with it once in awhile ... especially if I could join him :-)

But that doesn't seem to be the case here. I'm sure you have a good reason for not wanting him to have a drink. And I'm not a fan of having a drink every day, especially if it takes you away from family. But what is it that is bothering you?

L.,
I can completely understand that trusting him can be really hard especially that you are pregnant and going through emotions that he will never understand. Not sure if he did something to create trust issues or if you have a bad past from others that created trust issues. But from my findings to a happy marriage is to give him a little time with himself.

If you continue to breathe down his neck and not give him any space he is going to feel trapped/boxed in and might do something that he wouldn't normally do out of frustration. You have to trust him and let him get an hour or two, to himself. He should do the same with you especially after the baby comes.

I was really controlling of my man and things were not healthy all I would do was think is he cheating on me? What is he doing? I would Track him like an FBI agent and blow up his phone. This created distance between us and when I started to accept him going out with his single male coworkers for a few beers, he would come home just so happy.

It is funny because I have been where you are right now, every story is different but try to not focus on his whereabouts (easier said than done) but a relationship is not a good relationship without any trust. If you want things to work you have to give him a little space.

On the positive you are only seeing he is hanging out with the male coworker, not texting women or going over to anyone else's homes without you knowing. You have to trust his word unless he shows you different. If you let him go, try not to have an attitude towards him, support him and try something new. Create a happy family and not a controlling one. At least he's with a coworker as he has to still remain some what professional even if they are friends.

Best of luck!! Stay strong mama!

While I agree with others that tracking your husband (even if he deserved it) indicates you and he have trust problems that are bigger than this one issue, and you absolutely should get couples counseling ASAP (before the baby gets here, for SURE)....I do think that any grown man and about-to-be father who is going to his work buddy's house repeatedly to drink at 5:00 a.m. is:

Immature.

Or: Going through an "I'm going to be a dad and I'm terrified so I'm desperately trying to recapture my young, crazy single days with this cool new guy from work" phase. Which is also immature.

Or: Has some reason he doesn't want to come home when he's done with work. Maybe because he's stressed at work and is using drinking to relax, which is a red flag that there may be a drinking problem. Or he's stressed at home because his wife is mistrustful so he's avoiding going straight home.

I agree with B's post below: Your husband could make the effort to get onto a day shift, so there is more time with you on a normal schedule and so he can be present to help with the baby.. Frankly, you and he both sound young and inexperienced. You're not talking with him and working things out; you're resorting to phone tracking behind his back. He's not talking with you; he's just doing what he wants behind your back. You're both creeping around doing things that are setting you up for serious marital troubles. That's not how adults behave.

Talk to him. Tell him you tracked him and are sorry and will not do it again, but that you realize you and he need outside help before you have this baby in your lives. Tell him you and he need to think through jobs, schedules, friendships and priorities. Get a counselor, now.

Well I could never work a night shift - it would mess me up too much.
I just can't think about any drinks at 5 or 6 am.
If he needs to come home and get to sleep, the alcohol could mess his sleep patterns up.
This new single friend needs some other single friends and/or a girlfriend.
Married people generally don't hang out with singles because they are settled and the singles are still on the meat market.
I think maybe your Hubby should be working toward getting a day shift.

Is your husband mature and makes good decisons in general? What kind of job does he have? How long does he stay? Is he obviously intoxicated when he gets home?

I suggest that if you approach this focusing on alcohol related issues and come to a compromise that works for both of you. I suggest that when you tell him he can't he may want to stop at friends house to show you, he's able to make his own decisions.

I worked with nearly all men. I was single. Most of the men were married. We did often go across the street for drinks after work. We were buddies. The men respected me. No passes or inappropriate conversation. I was good friends with several men. I knew some of the wives, been to their houses. The wives trusted their husbands. Some officers did go to each other's houses.

When I worked graveyard, the only places open were on their way home but too far for me.

If you don't know this man, ask to meet him so you can get to know him. Single does not necessarily mean he's chasing women. Perhaps he shares his place with a girlfriend. Meet her, too, so you'll be more apt to know their commitment. Does he have a roommate? Who is in the house when your husband is there?

Perhaps you've had bad experiences with alcohol. If that's the case, I suggest you try to discuss this with your husband keeping an open mind. I agree that doing this every morning is nOT good. You can ompromise by making it lomitted in das aND time. Together, decide how long you're comfortable with him staying.

I suggest that when you say he can't stop at friend's house, he feels like you're taking over his life. He has the right to make decisions for himself. Ideally couples talk together until they can reach an agreement. Controlling spouses make for a difficult marriage.

What does being pregnant have to do with this situation? Yes, your hormones are changing and you're more sensitive. That doesn't mean your husband has to do what you say. You may have difficulty controlling your emotions. You can still have an open non-judgementAL conversation.

You followed him? You're gathering evidence to be angry with him. Why don't you trust him? Why haven't you talked with him about those reasons?
If you attack him in an angry way, he will leave or fight back. You'll have made your situation worse.

i gather that you talked this over with him before and he promised he wouldn't go out and have drinks with another guy. so now you track him and hes having the drinks at the guys house... without telling you.

i see no issues with your hubby wanting to have a few drinks after work with a guy.
i see an issue if its alcohol and he is then driving.
i see an issue of you tracking him so there may be other things going on that you didn't mention. if there are other factors that break your trust then get marital counseling. or consider divorce.

I'm not a fan of drinking. Neither of my husbands drank and I never dated anyone that did. That being said, why don't you want him to? Is it because once he starts he can't stop? Or because he will do it every day and it's expensive? Because he's away from the family? You think he's going to get into other trouble? Regardless, maybe it doesn't matter WHY, we all have our reasons for things. Just talk to him and tell him firmly you don't want him to, for whatever reasons. Most adults in relationships will try to do as the other asks if there is a problem with them doing something and the other person really has an issue with it. You can't control another person but as your spouse, he should listen if you have a problem with something he's doing. Good luck.