So I guess my question here would be "what the heck?"
My husband has a host of health issues...he's overweight, has high cholesterol, a fatty liver, enlarged spleen, ADHD, bi-polar II, sleep apnea, heart palpitations (none of those are currently being treated despite having the means to address them, he took himself off his mood stabilizer a few months ago and stopped marriage and individual counseling too) and lately has been prone to muscle injuries that are slow to heal, is more fatigued than normal, and he just learned that his testosterone level is very, very low. For this new problem he saw his PCP, who sent him first to get blood work and a urologist to check for signs of obvious issues like a prostate problem or pituitary tumor. Those checked out OK so he saw and endocrinologist this week, who will order up more labs.
Anyway... the endo appointment was an hour and he says that it covered many things. Her overall message (or his overall takeaway, which can be very different from what she actually intended) was that he is under a tremendous amount of stress, most of that seems to stem from our marriage and that if we divorced, he'd be under more stress but that would be only temporary and then his stress level would subside and his health would improve. And silly me all along I though that perhaps moving even just a little (like using the gym membership that we pay for, or walking the 0.4 miles to the playground instead of driving) or not doing things like chomping down a big bag of Doritos at night and drinking soda on a regular basis would be wise steps.
My initial reaction was, of course, to be first stunned and then dismissive. But...I know plenty of women whose health was affected negatively by an unhappy marriage who, a few years after the split, do seem to be happier and healthier. Who's to say that the same wouldn't hold true for my husband? And I do believe that stress is an underlying cause of many health problems...but enough to end a marriage over?
FWIW I asked him if he was going to act on that advice and he said no, not now, but then proceeded to try to start a conversation along the lines of "I told you it was all your fault" at which point I just walked away. I could list all of the ways in which I absorb a lot of stress for both of us an make his life easier (not the least of which is the fact that he doesn't earn enough to support himself, never mind contribute an equal share to the costs of supporting our 4 kids) but that would be a novella. I'm not saying that I'm superwoman or don't contribute to our marital problems, but I thought that blaming me for his own poor health was just a new level of irrational. I'm sort of just bemused by this latest development.
So...what say you? Any words of wisdom?
Yarrmatey...very insightful. I can hear it now: "it's the last thing that I wanted to do but being married to her was literally killing me. I'd be dead right now if I didn't get out..."
Thanks everyone for your responses and support. It's great to have a relatively anonymous place to air my dirty laundry.
@Riley J - I've seen you mention that before. What is your source? I actually asked his psychopharmacologist about that and he said that they are absolutely not mutually exclusive diagnoses and that there is a high rate of comorbidity between the two and that the symptoms of one can look like the other but that the symptoms of the two different disorders can be recognized over time. One example is that someone with just bp will experience issues with focus during a manic or depressive phase but someone with bp/adhd will have problems with focus all the time, even in a neutral phase, and even when on a mood stabilizer that keeps them in "neutral" more often. My husband has actually seen great results from a combination of Depakote and Ritalin, which make him feel so normal that he decides he really doesn't need them and then stops. Of course it's a tricky diagnosis and treatment, and I can recall clearly the joys of "Adderage" a few years back before he was dx'd as bp. There's a joke that if you want to know if you have bp, take Adderall and if you fly into a rage, there you go.
I think perhaps he is just voicing his thoughts through the doctor. That way he isn't the bad guy giving up on his marriage...he is the good guy following his doctor's advice.
If he is unhappy in the marriage and isn't willing to work on it perhaps divorce is the way to go. But, there is no guarantee that he will be any healthier or happier post divorce.
Sounds like he needs to find a different doctor. That one is a quack!!! Either that or he misinterpreted what the doctor said. At any rate that advice or perceived advice is bull!!!
Just a bit of levity...clearly the doctor has never been divorced. Divorce rarely if ever gets rid of stress, especially when children are involved. What results are different kinds of stresses. The grass is never greener on the other side and it still needs mowing and maintenance.
Run.
Your husband sounds like my dad. Bedridden. By choice.
A thousand doctors have told him over the span of 15 years to exercise, lose weight, go to counseling, take his meds, stop drinking liters of diet coke every day, etc, etc.
He changed nothing.
Now he's morbidly obese (300 would be a huge improvement). My mom waits on him like a maid. He can't climb or descend the 5 steps to leave the house. His only movement (yes, movement) is to walk to the bathroom (sometimes). Often my mom has to change his diaper.
He has checked out of life. By choice. And my mom, god love her, will people please and enable him until he dies. After that she has given herself permission to move and live with her sister (or me, as I've offered).
But he wasn't bedridden at the beginning. At the beginning he was your husband. Didn't need his meds. Took himself off the mood ones (also depressed). Went to counseling but didn't invest himself in it. Quit counseling. Refused to try any recommendations by counselors (keep a journal, talk, go for a walk, etc). Refused any recommendations by doctors (go for a walk, just move) unless his refusal would end his disability benefits.
So he has a nurse come out for physical therapy about once every few years - on orders of the VA and on threat of losing his disability. As soon as it's over in a few weeks, he goes back to slothfulness and glutteny.
Type 2 diabetic. Sugar readings between 300 and 500. Won't change his diet. Stopped taking insulin. Declared himself cured.
Let me look into the crystal ball for you. If he doesn't change, this is what your life will look like:
He will sleep in a hospital bed in your home. You'll need to get up extra early to make his breakfast, and bring it to him in bed. You'll also need to make his lunch and pack it in a little cooler next to his bed.
On a good morning, you'll help him stand and shuffle to the bedroom. He'll be heavier than he is now, because eating without physical activity will lead to extreme weight gain. Your back will constantly hurt, but you won't be allowed to complain, because he's bedridden.
THEN you can turn your attention to getting your kids ready for the day.
On a bad morning you'll need to wipe him and change his sheets.
You'll then go to work.
You'll return in the evening, clean up his mess from eating in bed while watching tv all day. You'll make dinner, serving his in his bed.
He won't be shaving at this point as it's too much effort. He also won't be bathing, brushing his teeth or wiping himself very well. You will resent the "partner" that not only has simply stopped helping with the kids, but refuses to take care of his own needs. YOU will be his mommy, and he will be an infant.
The doctor didn't say get a divorce. The doctor said exercise, eat right, take your meds, go to counseling. He complained that he was stressed. Doctor said try to lessen the stress - just focus on KEEPING YOUR BODY FUNCTIONING. He said he's stressed from all the counseling and the marriage. The doctor said then if that is the cause of all of it, then he needs to protect his health first and foremost.
He reports back to you the doc said to divorce. It was meant to push your buttons so that you'll not complain so loudly as you continue taking care of him.
I don't know how old your kids are, or anything else about your situation. But my first answer is to run. Well - maybe to tell him that you're out of the "babysitting husband" business and if he doesn't start taking care of himself then for the good of you and the kids you're out of there.
And then I'd run. Like a bat out of hell.
I think that maybe you should take her advice to help YOUR health get better. Perhaps without having to fight a losing battle with a man who only wants to blame you for not taking care of himself, you might feel better yourself.
However, he may find that his own health takes a nose dive without you there to pick up his dropped pieces all the time...
Dawn
He probably heard what he wanted to hear.
I doubt she said "you should get divorced to improve your health."
Rather, he was probably complaining about how stressful his marriage is, and she may have said something like, "well, yes, stress CAN contribute to poor health."
Honestly you both sound miserable.
It doesn't sound like you communicate, you shut down, walk away and absorb stress for both of you to make life easier.
How is life easier, living like this?
I don't have all the facts, obviously, but from what you've shared here I don't even SEE a marriage, I see two unhappy roommates. I hope you can figure something out, and soon, because your kids are taking all of this in, and it can't be good for them.
Hmmm...I've gotta say, J B, that I find this advice from a doctor (especially a "new" O.) very dubious. Doctors are usually very logical and approach health issues in a step-by-step manner for treatment.
Now, if your husband offered up that his Number O. stress source was his marriage...and went on and on about it.....MAYBE.
I just don't think this adds up.
While a doctor DOES look at the overall lifestyle of a patient, I've never known of an instance where a medical doc has advocated divorce. On the first visit to boot? Odd.
You're right--blaming you for his poor health IS some kind of irrational!
I'm sorry for you.
No O. should hear that from their spouse. From anyone really!
HE is responsible for his own life. If he is unhappy, HE needs to make some changes, even small steps. Unless he'd rather wallow. Which is a WHOLE other topic....
Actions speak louder than words. I think he is speaking clearly by stopping both marriage and individual counceling. It looks like he's done and is using his doctors appointment as a way to bring up the subject which is what he actually wants. He probably brought up the fact that he isn't happy in the marriage and she said that *could be* a contributing factor to his health issues so he just took that and ran with it. Next thing he'll likely do is start picking fights with you so you finally "agree" with him and say, ya, lets get divorced. DONE! So I would just sit him down and have a heart to heart with him and take it from there. In the very least, next time go with him to the doctor so you can hear for yourself. Good luck.
Marriage does not cause stress, if it did everyone who is married would be under stress and who would get married! What is causing stress is how he is behaving within the marriage. Divorcing will not change the person he is so obviously will not by proxy reduce his stress over time.
What I mean is her hypothesis would have to be divorce would change the dynamic and over time he will change how he relates to that dynamic. Pretty big leap if you ask me.
I get the feeling her words were more on the lines of how you relate in your marriage is causing you stress and if you cannot change that then maybe divorce would be the healthier alternative.
My ex one time came home saying his doctor said I was causing all his stress. Turns out the doctor said his reactions to me were causing his stress and then gave him a mess of prescriptions to help him chill.
Anyway, kind of rambling here. In the end it takes two to make a marriage and the stress that goes with it.
On average, married men live longer than single men and single women live longer than married women.
Why?
Because we take care of them and often neglect ourselves in the process.
We nag them to see a doctor so they get better rather than let health issues go till it's too late to do anything about it.
I tell my Hubby "I nag because I care" - we share a laugh over it.
Your Hubby is off his mood stabilizer and self medicating with Doritos and soda.
At some point, you need to figure what you can put up with and for how long.
If you guys eventually split - he'll have no one left to blame his problems on - what will be his new excuse? I'll bet you 50 cents he'll STILL be saying "it's all YOUR fault".
In your place I'd consider taking the doctors advice and setting him free.
I think you WILL feel better eventually once you are not beating yourself up against a brick wall.
Then ex Hubby can merrily continue to dig his grave with a knife and fork and you won't have to watch him do it.
I think deep down you know your husband is full of $%$&! I don't know if its possible with HIPPA, but could you reach out to the doctor and verify?
I have read some of your other posts and it appears he likes to blame you alot of everything. Its raining, must be JB. Its sunny, damn JB. Sounds very irrational to me. Quite frankly, I don't think I could live like that. But that is me.
I think in the end, you need to decide what is best for you and your kids. Your husband has checked out, he checked out when he stopped taking his med and quit therapy. He sounds passive aggressive and is going to use this as a way to get a divorce.
I would consider taking that statement to a counselor if it's become a blaming system.
I would also tell DH to get a second opinion. How dare that doctor tell him to DIVORCE vs doing other things to improve his physical health? I had a doctor dismiss my concerns as stress and told me "well, you just need to quit your job." Really? Well I have kids to feed, so what ELSE do you suggest? She half-hardheartedly said exercise but really didn't want to listen to me. I think any doctor who can't tell you more than, "well, get a divorce" is not going to be a good long-term care provider. Are those women happier just because they are divorced or because they are finally meeting their own needs and were not in the marriage?
Are there healthy habits you can start together? I know that when my DH was unable to exercise and was under stress and gained weight he was a bear to live with. But maybe going for routine walks together or as a family will help everyone on a physical and emotional level.
You're only hearing his side of the story. Maybe he went in blaming everything on you and she said tongue in cheek and dripping with sarcasm 'Well if you divorced all of your problems would go away.'
It sounds like he has A LOT of issues and maybe his first stop should be for his mental health rather than an endocrinologist. Maybe once he has his mental health in order he can go on to address all of the other issues.
I would be floored.
Ok, so I have seen numerous people who have divorced or had a major break up which has led to them losing a ton of weight and getting "healthy" or at least it appears that way from the outside. Don't let that fool you because appearances can be deceiving.
My SIL is an example. Major breakup, her ex just got married. SIL has lost 50 lbs in the last year, spent a fortune on a new wardrobe, exercises daily, spent a fortune on dental work and has a new blindingly white smile. She looks fabulous. Everyone tells her, constantly, how wonderful she looks. Inside, she is a MESS. Sure, her health has somewhat improved due to exercise and losing a bunch of weight. However, those closest to her know that she has actually become an alcoholic, eats 500-600 calories a day so she can drink a ton without gaining weight, purges on a regular basis, started smoking like a chimney to deal with anxiety, refused to see a doctor about depression meds because she was afraid of weight gain, mentally is not in a good place at all. She is not more healthy than she was "in a relationship" she is just thinner.
A breakup or divorce or anything life altering like this can be a big motivator for change but I am really surprised that a doctor would "prescribe" divorce unless your husband presented you as abusive and unwilling to work on your relationship. It seems like any responsible doctor would hand out the name and number of a marriage counselor or therapist or ask why the hell your husband is not taking his mood stabilizers.
I think your husband most likely misinterpreted the doctor or made up stories. I am sorry. I would definitely see a counselor on your own, if he won't keep going, and I would prepare myself in case of divorce. :(
One doctor, or even two, do not always have all the answers. Only you and your husband know if divorce is the 'right' answer, not a person who has seen him for a short time. Keep going to counseling, even if it's only you going. It's frustrating when we feel all the blame is dumped on us, but I also want to give you one word of caution in going forward: your husband's doctor only knows what your husband told her. If he painted a picture which made himself out to be the victim, then her response was likely a pretty glib, but natural one. Maybe he *does* want a divorce, but doesn't know how to talk about it. I don't know, because I don't really know either one of you.
I will say this, however-- when it became apparent that all of my exhusband's problems were considered (by him) to rest on me, that's when *I* left. My sphere of influence was just too much for me to manage, I guess. ;) I can't be that all-powerful and feel good about it. I don't know what to tell you other than this. Life tends to shake these things out on their own. Good luck.
All I have to say is He's a Dr. not a marriage counselor.
Wow. Just playing Devil's Advocate here, but from an Endocrinologist standpoint the levels of cortisol would be decreased substantially by reducing his stress levels. Hormones wreak havoc on the body and can virtually halt your metabolism.
Having said that, my guess is that this is NOT what the doctor actually said, at least not in the right context.
Just touching on a small point:
You cannot have ADHD & be Bipolar.
They are mutually exclusive diagnoses. Taking the wrong meds (ADHD when uou're bipolar, or bipolar meds when you're ADHD), or WORSE taking both at the same time WILL make a person crazy. Off the deep end. Seriously bonkers.
Yipes! This so many ways of wrong I am stunned. I have a person in my family that sounds a lot like your H. He hears what he wants, is tough to live with on a stabilizer much less off, had lap band surgery but didn't do any follow up exercise or therapy and has lost 5 lbs. His wife is his Stabilizer.
I know talking to him may just be blowing air but if you could, get him to write pros and cons of divorce. It would give him reasonable time to think. Ask him what stress would be less? What would he miss? If he is anything like the guy in my family that list would Change about every 3 weeks because that's how often he cycles. I hate to add counselor to your list of jobs but it's better than divorce, for now.
We don't know exactly what she said...but I would guess that she implied that some of his stress is due to the marriage. From your side of the story it sound as though both of you make stress within the marriage. Heck we all do! Whose the person I blame when I'm stressed...yep my husband! He's a wonderful husband, father, friend...but some days I think it's all his fault. It's not...it's how I choose to react to the things I need help with. If I don't ask him to to help me he doesn't then I get mad at him.
THis sounds like your husband. I'm not perfect...but I admit to my faults (most of the time).
Sounds like by quitting counseling he's already made his decision and regardless of what her exact words she inadvertently gave him the "go ahead" and now he can say well someone told me to get a divorce. He can blame the doctor & you now. Not himself! Which ultimately he's responsible for his happiness, health and stress levels. Sounds like he doesn't want to work at it only wants to blame.
I'm not an advocate for divorce...very much a do anything you can to save it...but only if two people really want that. Sorry to be blunt here but it sounds like he doesn't. I'm sorry for that...maybe you should think hard about what you really want. If you choose to stay and be with him...you will have to fight hard are you ready for that?
Good luck and take care of yourself and your kids first...
Okay, here's what I got out of your post....
Hubby went to a new doc and told him a lot about his home life and how unhappy he was.......how else would the doc have known?
Hubby must be very very very unhappy to have just let it all out to a new person he's not met before. I would make him go back to counseling and make sure I went to and did both individual and together.
Hubby sounds miserable and this doc probably just told him what he thought he wanted to hear. That's it's not his fault, all yours. This doc only replied to what hubby told him, he could not have known there were issues at home otherwise.
Hubby needs help with his life. He might be having a mid-life crisis but still, he is floundering.
WOW. Just......WOW.
Only you know the status of your marriage.
However, I might, if I were in your position and my unhealthy husband who refuses to take meds or take care of himself and who came home claiming the doctor blames you, go back to hubby in a few days and suggest a trial separation, with him moving out of the stressful situation, to see if that helps his stress levels. If he's not currently contributing financially or physically to the marriage, home-keeping and child rearing then you will feel much less pain than he will if he leaves.
And if its just a trial, it won't feel so permanent.
Obviously your husband is giving you HIS version which is either what he really "heard" or what he outright made up to blame you. You can suggest a separation to give him space (although it sounds like, financial, it's already a hardship). While this doctor cannot talk to you without your husband's approval, you can suggest that you go with him to the doctor so that the doctor can explain it to you directly. My guess is, he'll nix that. Which throws his argument down the toilet.
I sympathize with you - I have a friend who went through a similar situation for years with her (now) ex-husband. Work a few hours, come home and go to bed, blame her for everything. Difference: 5 kids, not 4. She carried all the stress, handled the kids, handled HIS family as well as her own, and on and on, all the things you are handling that you didn't even list but I know are on your plate. I don't know what your limit is, but her bottom line was her own health and the health of the children. He was using one of the kids as a sounding board - totally inappropriate. So yes, stress is a huge problem and it may or may not be something to end a marriage over. The main things are that you have no partner in this family (not financially, not emotionally, and I'm sure many other ways). But HE is responsible for his own self-care, and he can't just sit around and be blameless by shifting everything on to you. It's hard to say whether your husband's stress is the cause of his health problems, or the result of them. And if the stress comes from the marriage, that still doesn't mean it's your fault! It means you may not be well matched. Maybe it could be helped by therapy, maybe not. But I'd suggest you get some help so you have a place for support that's safe for you to talk without your kids hearing the discussion.
Good luck!
