Comming to the End of My Road

My heart goes out to you. I wish that I could tell you what to do, but I don't have the answers. I know that divorce is hard to think about... I have been divorced for 12 years and am a single mom to a teenage son. I am going through a similar situation right now with my boyfriend, so it's not really the same, but in many ways it is. Maybe you could try going to counseling. I started last fall and it has helped some. At least it gives you someone to talk to about stuff.
If you ever need to talk, please know that I am here for you and can relate to some of the things that you are going through. I wish you all the best.

25 is one of those ages where you begin to do a life invetory and mske big chsnges. You see what you are unhappy with and have a big itch to fix it NOW. I think you may want to try counseling and see what you both can do to make things better. Like I said you are at one of those ages that you go through a mini midlife crisis so I warn you not to make hasty decisions right now.

I went through something similar to this at 25 also. It turned out, I wasn't mad at my husband. I was very angry with myself for not accomplishing anything I promised myself I would after graduating high school. I was a mom sure, but I worked part time at a job I hated, made minimum wage, and we were broke living in an apartment. I like to travel and we hadn't gone anywhere since our honeymoon 4 years prior. All the same, I took it out on my husband and thought I wanted to divorce him. Instead, I went back to school and finished my bachelor's degree, we bought a house, had another baby, went on a vacation, and I have a great job that I love. I will be starting my master's degree in the fall. Now that I'm happy with myself and my accomplishments, I can be happy with him too, cuz he's the same person I fell in love with in the beginning. It sounds like you, too, are unhappy with yourself. See if you can make you better before you move on to divorcing a man who doesn't seem all that bad. Especially if you had the baby itch not too long ago...you've must have still been in love with him!

Marriage is about commitment. Even when you feel like this. So many people give up too soon and it does damage to every member in the family and also the others to enter their lives in the future (your son's marriage).

I would first look into getting your hormones tested. If that is out of wack that can make you very irritable and stresses. Unfortunately it is the people around us that get the blame for an imbalance in our own body. (ask me how I know - I am living it right now).

I just purchased a Balancing cream from Arbonne to help with that.

It also sounds like you need separate from your mom. Living with your mom is not healthy for your marriage.

As far as debt.... well.... it is an uphill struggle for many!

Ask God to help you and guide you in your every word, action and attitude. Listen for God's leading.

Many blessings. HOld on strong! I have often heard that if you can get through these times the road truly becomes much smoother on the other side.

I was at the same place you are when I was 24, except my son was 4 years old. I went to counseling to make sure I was making the right decision...not couples counseling, but just for me. Many of my friends were going through the same thing and I wanted to make sure I wasn't just commiserating with them. I went to the counselor for a few weeks until she asked me why we were still together- I couldn't answer her. I decided to leave my marriage. 8 years later I have remarried and have a 2 year old son. Life is good- but marriage is hard work! It shouldn't be horrible unrelenting work. Very quickly I found myself going down the same old paths. You have to put some effort into it- but you have to feel it is worth it. I do not regret getting a divorce, I feel like I made the right decision for me. Because I took the time, and help to think through my decision I have never had second thoughts. Just know that you have to be ready for BIG life changes, and sometimes you need a little outside perspective to see things clearly. Good Luck

The reality is that marriage is not easy. You made a commitment and through the tough times like you're going though now, you need to slow down and focus on you. Just a little while ago you were thinking of having another baby. Things in 6 months can change as well. I have been married for over 15 years. There have been 6-10 month periods where the word love was "forced". My husband is a good man, loves me and the kids, but here are times he can be an absolute looser. It takes the bigger person to work this out than to take the road that may seem easier - divorce. You need to be happy with you , your job etc. first.

I would definetely get seperated then divorced if that goes well. It's not healthy for you or your child to be in a volitile enviroment.

And to confort you a little you cannot have joint custody and move out of country to my knowledge. I would look into that first by consulting a lawyer.

I have been in this situwation myself for the last two years or so. I have a two year old son. My husband is just a lazy scrub. I know I should have listened to MY mother.

S., please get good marriage counseling, or at least counseling for yourself. You need to think through this rationally with someone who is objective. There are places of worship which will provide free or low cost counseling services. Do you honestly think your husband is the source of all your unhappiness? It doesn't sound like it to me. I think you have to look deeper. Try to remember all the reasons you liked him in the first place and appreciate those things about him again. When you start reponding differently, he'll start responding differently. You are caught up in a vicious cycle. Try reading the book "Love and Respect" (author's name is Emerson E....something) or "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. Hang in there. God can do miracles. I am praying for you.

I think you should watch Fireproof with your husband and go from there. I think it is normal what you are feeling because I have felt that way too and I am almost 28 and have been married for almost 4 years. It takes a lot of work to be married that is or sure. Maybe you two need a date night to reconnect.

S.,
First get a job. That will help you in so many ways. 1 talking with other people. 2 self esteme. 3 money (you notice that was not first) The list can go on. The next thing I would do is talk to your paster or a counselor and even your doctor. Also talk to your husband, let him know how you feel. See where he is in this whole thing. Not having money can cause huge problems in a mariage not to mention living with mom. Maybe try to work on the things you can do something about. It may help some of your feelings toward your husband, and if not than you will be on your own two feet to make the next step if needed. Good luck.
Tammy

S., just want to let you know some of the feelings you have are normal, but marriage is something both people have to work on, and it seems you and him need to sit down, most of the time if things are done in a such a way that benefits both partners, that love can be rekindled, marriages take time, and take effort, if you lost your effort, maybe he has not and is willing to help you gain it back, not sure, but i have a great book entitlted family happiness how to find it, i would be glad to mail you a copy if you wish, contact me and i will do so, ____@____.com i have been married for 27 years now to the same guy, and its been hard and its been wonderful, there are times i cant stand him and times i cant do without him, but we both work h*** o* our marriage, and we study things together that can help me and him, and our children, we also found many good information in this book so contact me, we can talk more if you wish, D. s

Hi S. I think the first thing you need to do is to try and figure out why you feel this way? Its normally some underlying issue thats causes us to find fault with the people who love us the most or who are the closest to us. Did you feel this way after your son was born? Is there some type of resentment that you have towards hubby because of something you feel youre missing in your life? And lastly weigh the pros and cons of staying vs seperating. Think of your child and how it affects him. Seek whomever you believe in religiously and let that be the road you take. I believe in GOD and I know that he can work out the kinks that we have within ourselves. Think about counseling for yourself so you can work thru whatever it is thats making you miserable. And if hubby has everything and you dont that can make you feel stuck and alone and miserable all in itself. Try to speak to someone who will have an open mind to your situation and not a biased opinion. And you have to be mentally ready to hear what they will say..It wont always be nice to hear about yourself but you have to be open to receive change if you want a change. Then you should try marriage counseling. It really does help..I'm 28 years old and have been married for 6 years. It has been a hard 6 years but we are trying to make it work. Please feel free to message me or call me anytime you want to talk, get out the house or just need a friend. Our boys are the same age so we could even have a playdate..Just let me know.. I'll send you my number if you want.. hope this helps..

I don't know anything about your marriage. But sounds to me like you are in a love rut. Marriage is not about fairy tale happy endings. And you made a choice to marry him because at one point you couldn't see your life without him. So many people take marriage for granted and have lost the meaning. You are at a point in your marriage where you need to make the CHOICE to love him. Unless he is abusing you or cheating on you I would start by realizing that you are not only affecting your life but the life of your child. This is no game. Sounds to me like you need to wake up in the morning and start telling yourself that you love your husband and start focusing on ALL THE GOOD that he does. You no longer have the option to act like a child, you have a child of your own. And if your hubby has not done anything to hurt your then you would be wrong to leave him just because you are bored and the honeymoon phase has worn off. I am sorry I don't mean to sound so harsh but there is really no easy way to say this. Wake up and realize that if you are walking out because this is a you thing than you have completely lost the idea of family because in a family there is no you there is we and us. Think about this long and hard before you do something you will soon regret. If you are bored with this man you will be bored with the next. You need to find a way to work on yourself and keep your family together...if you would like any advice on how to do this then just send me a quick email...sorry again if I sounded to harsh but this is a serious matter and this is the truth and sometimes that truth is hard to swallow....take care and good luck...

Hi Stacy, I am where you are in my marriage, too. I am currently searching for another place to live and looking for another job. When you get to the point, that everything your husband does is wrong, you can't stand for him to touch you the marriage is in serious trouble. I would suggest a trial separation instead of divorce. Maybe he could find someplace else to live for 3 months or so. You need some space to figure out what is most important and what you need to get your life back on track. Divorce is very expensive, I couldn't find a lawyer that you help me for under $2000.00, ouch. I am hoping that a few months apart may give both of us enough time to sort things out. If we get back together then great, if not then I will move along. Good luck to you, a very scarey and huge decision to make. Try to keep your little boy out of the problem as much as possible.

S.,

I think you have been given so great advise!! You are truly blessed to have a hubby who helps out and I agree men do things a little different and we need to accept them for that. I too have to just accept that.....but I'm so thankful for a hubby that helps out. I really think that you should find something that you are passionate about. When I'm down in the dumps that what helps me get back on track. Do something that is rewarding to you!! Fireproof is a great movie and there are a lot of great books too!

Good luck and just remember how important it is for your son to have 2 parents who love each other.

L.

I understand where you are at. When I was about 27 I realized that my husband and I didnt fit..at all! I was completely unhappy and hate who I had become, at the time I tried to work on it and myself after about a year I realized that I couldnt change anything when I was in a relationship that I couldnt stand. Make a long story short, we separated for about a year, sort of a trial, and I decided that a divorce was exactly what I needed. I knew that I would be a better person and mother to our 2 daughters. Anyway the divorce has been final for almost 1 year and I am very happy, a better person an mother now then I ever was. That is just my story though. Take time, figure out what it is that wrong with your relationship and work before giving up then make the best decision that you can for you and your child. Nothing is ever perfect but you can always change things!

I feel your pain, I do! I am now 28 years old and when I was 25 I got a devorse myself. I felt so lost in life. Fighting over our kids broughy me down so much. This is the time in your life were you need your loved ones and friends to help you throw it. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have them! I takes time to heal, alot of time. You know if your not inlove with someone, you know. You can't force yourself to love because it will just eat at you. You need to get away on a vacation and do something for yourself with your girls. This is what I learned.. You can't be affraid to ask for help, from anyone!!! There will be someone there to help you, I promise. Just talking to you about this brings back the pain for me. But I live one day at a time. Day by day. Thats all you can do. Pray to God! I don't know if you believe in him but what will it hurt, you know. Love youself and your son like theres no tomorrow! Keep talking to women, it will help. I hope you find yourself. It will take more then a day. Live, Laugh,and Love always!

S.,

Something to think about here, the word "Love" is a verb....an action word. Love describes the feeling you give or get when doing an action that will make others feel happy and cared for.

From your description of your husband he is showing you he loves you by doing the dishes, taking care of your son, and possibly other things in life.

My suggestion, borrow the book "The 5 Love Languages" from the library and give it a good read. My husband and I went through almost exactly what you are describing almost 6 years ago and we learned it was because we were not communicating our needs to each other well enough. If your husband is willing to read the book as well it will help the two of you to express your emotional needs to each other. It sounds like he shows how much he loves you by doing acts of service.

Also, go to the doctor and have a full physical done, including blood work. Your thyroid may not be working as well as it used to (common in women who have had children) and it may be affecting the rest of you. By re-balancing your hormones and getting your health taken care of you may feel 100% better.

Lastly, my favorite phrase is "Fake it 'till you make it" I'm not sure who first coined the phrase, but sometimes we need to do small things for others even when we don't feel like it because we care about them (ourselves included).

It sounds like you are very overwhelmed with everything in your life. Check out the website www.flylady.net. It is an organizing and house cleaning website, but it is also a website that helps those of us who don't know where to start find our place. Marla Cilley, the founder of the site, has a lot of resources to help her members (membership is completely free), but the biggest resource she gives us is ourselves.

6 years ago I was always complaining that my husband couldn't do any chores around the house correctly. After joining the flylady website and learning that love is an action word I started to change my mental attitude. Now I can see the problems in my life that I can change and I work on those slowly 15 minutes at a time. I feel I have more control over my life and I'm happy where I am at right now. It has taken time and effort on my part, but now my marriage and family life is better than ever. Now when my husband does the dishes or the laundry, even if he doesn't do it the way I would, I am grateful for the gift of his time and effort - and I tell him too, which makes him smile and feel appreciated.

Take a look at the things you can change in and around yourself and your home. As you start to gain more control in your life you will know where you should be and who you should be with. Don't forget you can also gain control of your debt one small step at a time. Here is another great resource for slowly getting control of your financial stress:
http://www.flylady.net/images/FACE2004.pdf

Good luck.

-C..

S.-
I totally understand how you are feeling. I was the same way with my husband about a year ago. I knew he was a good man, but nothing he did made me happy. i was to the point where if he touched me it literally made me sick to my stomach. I went to my doctor and told her what was going on. Turns out I had some pretty bad depression. She put me on a medication called Celexa, and I have never looked back. Things are GREAT now. I have never been happier, we hardly ever argue and my mood from day to day is just the best. I still get stressed like any normal person, but I am more capable of handling it. Go to you doctor. You may be depressed, and meds could REALLY help you here. I know just by reading your post that you are under a bunch of stress. It might also help if there is ANY way that you can get out of your moms house. Even if you are renting an apartment. You should be able to find housing for low income families if that would help. I just think you need to get your family out and try talking to the doctor. I CANNOT stress how important mental health is, and how much better you will feel if that is what is wrong. PLEASE keep us posted. I hope this helped.

Ask yourself, would you find yourself without your husband there? Have you considered counselling? Sometimes, when we are unhappy with one thing, everything else becomes enormously overwhelming. Before you make a decision that is going to affect 3 lives, you have to figure out your life first. Right where you are is the place that affairs, divorces, people going in different directions, starts. You have many choices now. Your post says that you are 25 and having a hard time accepting where you are in life. That says to me that you are unhappy with yourself, but you seem to be blaming your husband. And it seems that you are also hinting at depression. Please seek help before making a decision that will break down your family. You are right to be concerned about custody, let that give you incentive to move forward for your family. I remember the 20's being a time of huge self-discovery. That can be a wonderful journey. Good luck.

I'm 24. Married to my high school sweetheart and we have a gorgeous and hilarious, 2 year old little girl. I know what you are going through (to a certain extent). I found myself questioning my life choices. If I shouldve waited for everything. I was overwhelmed with work and school not to mention EVERYTHING I was doing at home. I was bored and looking for something to brighten things up. But that made me not so happy with the things I did have. Who could not happy with a man that loves me to death and would do anything for me. Even if he washes dishes differently or brushes my babies teeth differently. The fact is: he's doing it. He's trying and I needed to give him credit for that. When I was pregnant I read articles that repeatedly talked about accepting the fact that fathers do things differently than moms. They are different people and that's okay. It's okay. As for not loving your husband. I knew that I loved my husband, but that I wasn't completely happy with everything. This made me irritable, mean, etc.

The point is: as I thought about it. I had a dream life. Their are
People who would love to be in my shoes no matter how boring (now I
Like to say laid back), how hard chasing. 2 year old is, keeping everyone fed, loved, and entertained even when I am sometimes (but not always) forgotten. Once I started focusing on the positives in my life, I got so much better. Everything got better. I have to remind people that young people too can have a breakdown/mental life crises as well. I tried MSUs counseling center. It took one appointment to turn me around. MSU Family and Child Ecology Program also has counseling for nonstudents: individual and couples. It's only like $40 an hour.

I'm not saying you're crazy. Just telling you how I handled it. I hope it helps.

you are a young mom, as am I, but as long as your husband isn't harmful to you it doesn't sound like there is anything wrong with him. waiting to your son is older doesn't make divorce any easier. maybe you just need a vacation or weekend getaway. fall back in love with your husband. i have many days were i don't want to be touched by my husband, or he doesn't do enough. but he does plenty i just don't relize it. we do "date" night, just yesterday we went to the movies and lunch for the first time in almost 4 years. the other night when i came home from work he had the house picked up, candles going, and a movie and popcorn ready (with no expectations of anything sexual that night) good luck. remember as you get older you need to grow older together not apart.

Hi, I know you posted this back in March, somehow I just stumbled upon this post. I know how you're feeling. I was there myself. Marriage is a very hard situation to live in day in and day out. My husband and I disagreed on everything. He always thought I was trying to control him and I always thought he had the better end of the stick. We found a weekend getaway called Retrouvaille. Here is the link http://www.retrouvaille.org/ My husband and I found a sitter for the weekend and went to the one they had in canada. Let me tell you, this turned our marriage around. There was a reason you married your husband. Whatever it was that made you fall in love with him and say I do, is just lost somewhere. This weekend helps you to find that love you once had. It really is a deep, soul searching weekend. By the end of the weekend, we were like we were the first months of being together. I strongly urge you to try this step. I think it is better than marriage counseling, because it isn't all long and drawn out. It is one full weekend of constant work on your marriage problems. After we did this course, I started to dive deep into my faith in Christ. Over the past couple of years I have started going to Bible studies with friends. These bible studies have taught me something that I never knew before. Getting a divorce is a sin in Gods eyes. Look in the Bible what it says about marriage. God meant for a man and woman to be united and stay that way until death do you part. Every relationship has problems. The grass is not greener on the other side. My friend got a divorce and her kids are really going through alot of anger and hurt. It made me realize that no matter what, I will do whatever it takes to make my marriage work. It is about finding what you once had with each other. It's there. It'
s just lost right now. I will pray for your marriage and hope you'll find each other again through the retrovaille program. God bless. D.

I really don't have much to say other then I know that living with parents can add extra stress to a marriage. If at all possible you might find if you move out things might get somewhat better. I personally think all marriages are worth trying to fix. I think our society is too quick to jump to divorce. (Not saying you are doing this as I don't know what if anything you have tried) You might want to try group or marriage counseling. I wish you the best.

OMG,some people are ignorant and are willing to do just about anything so that life is the way they think it should be. If it's not working, it's not working!! Don't force it!!
It may be just a hormonal thing, or just a too comfortable thing, I agree, but in order to figure that out, you need time apart to see how you really feel about everything. Without being together all day, and hating every move that he makes and narrowing your eyes as soon as he comes in the door, you will have time to reflect if you really want to be with him.
Some people grow up, while others don't, why would you want to stay and raise another child in the form of your husband/wife? People grow apart, while others are fortunate to find the person they will be with for the rest of their lives. Or sometimes, because of ignorant comments and beliefs, they are stuck with these people and just learn to live with them.
I know that everyone goes through a rough patch, but it's not supposed to last a long time! If it does, and nothing is done about it, then you just get to the point where you just learn to live with it.
Why women make excuses for men is beyond me, but calling you a nag because something was done half-assed or carelessly is just plain insulting. You should expect things to be done with common sense and to the best of that person's abilities. Why would you expect any less or make excuses for laziness?
Pick and choose your issues with him, only the careless and lazy ones count, not the ones that are not up to your 'standards'. Take a long hard look.
My advice is to separate, don't even have to legally, for a couple weeks, maybe a month, and then see how you feel. Maybe you will discover again why you married him, you never know. I hope that you do.
Please pay no attention to the people who tell you to pray about it and 'give it to God'. He has no bearing in this. It is up to YOU and you alone as a human being. It is not to rely on someone/thing else to tell you what you should do, based on thousands year old beliefs, and to basically turn a blind eye towards the real problem. I have seen people do this so regularly, it is sick.
I do go to church, and yes God has a place, but not as much as people think He does. Your #1 should be yourself before anything else! If you don't believe that, then your purpose is to hide away from the world and not own up to your own issues, or come up with any beliefs of your own.
So put yourself first, and ignore the naysayers.
PS, yes counseling can help, but only if you do it BY YOURSELF first! you need to work out issues individually before you could ever hope to work them out together. Otherwise you just sit there accusing the other person the whole time.

The best advice I can give is, start with counseling. Also how does your husband feel about the situation? Is he willing to work with a counseler? Work on your problems and not just give up and throw everything away. If you just give up you will take all the problems with you into the next relationship.

I understand where you are at. When I was about 27 I realized that my husband and I didnt fit..at all! I was completely unhappy and hate who I had become, at the time I tried to work on it and myself after about a year I realized that I couldnt change anything when I was in a relationship that I couldnt stand. Make a long story short, we separated for about a year, sort of a trial, and I decided that a divorce was exactly what I needed. I knew that I would be a better person and mother to our 2 daughters. Anyway the divorce has been final for almost 1 year and I am very happy, a better person an mother now then I ever was. That is just my story though. Take time, figure out what it is that wrong with your relationship and work before giving up then make the best decision that you can for you and your child. Nothing is ever perfect but you can always change things!

(I just realized that a friend of mine had logged into my computer and I had posted under her..so I logged in and reposted :) )

Hi S., I am sorry to say, but it sounds like you are dealing with more than just being "not in love any more". It sounds like you are doing what I generally do, focusing your unhappiness (either with yourself, or with things that happened in your life that you haven't dealt with) onto your husband. Has he threaghtened to take your child? If so, you will need to deal with a women's crisis center, before you even talk to him about divorce, and it will become so much more complicated than just getting a divorce, if he is the type to run away wiht the child (which is illegal, but still done, then there is a whole lot more going on than you are letting on).

If it is just what is in your post, then maybe you need to seriously consider getting into some counseling. You might find that you can learn to love him again, once you learn to be happy regardless of him.