Husband Still Fails at Birthdays'and Special Occasions

If you know this is something he's not good at then stop expecting him to be good at it. You will just be angry and disappointed again and again. If you want something then you need to make it happen. You plan it and make him come along. You tell him exactly what to do, how to do it, when to do it.

My husband is not good at planning stuff. When it is my birthday I either go out and buy myself a gift or tell him exactly what to get, where to get it and how much it should cost. I plan the day, the outing, the meal and inform him of exactly what he needs to do.

What I do is this I just say "Hey we are going on a hike today - remember" let's get in the car in 30 minutes. My husband isn't a jerk. He is very forgetful he doesn't keep a calendar or anything to help counter act his add. He's use to being told when and where things are.

HTH

I tell my hubby, and then I do all the legwork. I pack the lunch, get the kids dressed, and then tell hubby it's time to leave.

I know, I know, it would be great for him to do it, but he is a man. Come on! What do you expect :-)

You should have packed up the rest of the family, and gone on your hike!

Perhaps he will listen next time...perhaps not! But at least you will have had your hike with family!

YOU are in charge of your happiness.

Happy (belated) birthday BTW!

This is another terrible case of, "If he really loves me, he'll do exactly what I want the way I want it."

Fail is a pretty interesting choice of word, and rather telling about how much you appreciate your husband.

There's an old adage, "If you want something done right, do it yourself."

Question: How long did he watch hockey before the passive aggressive cupboard slamming and sighing began?

Seriously: Some men don't take hints. My husband does, but he's an anomaly. Most don't. You go in and say, "I'm all packed up for our hike! When do we leave?"

Does your husband make a big deal out of his own birthday?

I think this answer would influence my answer.😉.

My husband will cook me anything I want, if I ask in advance he will brew me beer, but if I want a card, to go somewhere, I have to plan this myself. He is a wonderful man, he isn't a planner, I am the planner.

Figure out what your husband enjoys doing for you and pick that.

I know I am lucky that I have a man that will drop everything and cook me amazing stuff but every man has his wheelhouse. I hope you are happy you made me use the word wheelhouse!

Ya know as much as my husband loves to cook if I asked for a picnic I would have to have some skin in the game. My point is if you ask for the possible you will get it. I get a picnic seems simple but you didn't get it so apparently it is not.

Sorry for your disappointment. It's too late now. Next time he can record the game, and make the hike.

I'd let him know that you are disappointed, and are still interested in having a hike and a picnic as a "belated" celebration. Set it for this coming weekend, weather permitting.

Best,
F. B.

Maybe he should be aware of your high expectations.

I don't get why some women get all bent out if shape over 1-2 days of the year when they are not treated in a way the expect to be treated.

Gees... We do recognize a birthday and have dinner but in no way do we expect things. We do things throughout the year. Just 1 day is not a biggie to me to get my panties in a wad.

Look long term... I see this as drama mama activity.

Your hubby is either a major self centered jerk or is clueless when it comes to planning and executing a fun excursion. I don't know which it is. I hope it is the latter.

So, next year as your birthday approaches, ask him if he has anything planned. If in the conversation, he says no, then tell him you will plan it. Roll out what is going to take place and ask him to pick up the chips and drinks for the picnic. Then go on your hike and picnic together.

Some husbands are very poor at planning special occasions and it stems from years and years of wives taking care of it all. They are clueless and could care less about orchestrating an extravaganza. Yet, your simple hike and picnic is hardly and extravaganza...pretty simple really. But, you get the gist. His idea of a perfect birthday is probably watching a hockey game and eating snacks.

How about you give him a second chance to make good on your birthday wish. Ask him to plan it for an upcoming weekend..ask him what you can do to help him.

Happy Birthday! I am sorry you got let down again.

I'm the lame birthday planner in my marriage. If I made a suggestion my husband would undoubtedly plan away for me.

He has asked me for a picnic every year and every year I somehow, successfully, avoid the picnic. He wants a big Korean BBQ with all the sides and it's a ton of work. Even an American BBQ to me is a ton of work and I hate eating outside.

The most I'll do is pick up a pizza or KFC and take it to the park. But a hike and a picnic? That's way over the top for me. And I don't work full time.

I know you are frustrated and disappointed that he doesn't put more effort into your birthday, but I'd like to suggest that you take the reins on this and you plan your birthday as you want and you tell him way ahead of time what the plan is for the day. And assign him a pick up duty, like pick up the cake, or drinks, and give him a cooler.

In essence, my answer is : Teamwork. Don't leave this entirely up to him. Dream and plan so that your birthday wishes come true.

Try taking him out of the equation. Plan your own fun for your birthday with friends or family, or do something special for yourself - get your nails done, treat yourself to some shopping. Maybe once he sees you are having fun without him and despite him, he will be more interested. Or maybe you will begin having a new tradition without him.

I'm with Beaver Canoe on this one. You know this about him, yet you expect it to magically change. I'd suggest taking charge of what you want and get on with the show.

Example: my husband works full time and doesn't always have the thought to plan ahead for Kiddo to do something for me for Mother's Day. So, if it matters, I nudge them along with a clear, concrete suggestion. (one year it was "go to the pottery place and have him pick out something for him to paint for me. Here is the address and we have time on Saturday afternoon between 2-4 for you to take him"). It wasn't done in a controlling way, just a "this would be great if you could...." way. This year, we were busy and I let it go. One day a year shouldn't be the proving ground for caring.

well, it IS the Stanley Cup playoffs.... ;-)

I kid, I kid. What happened during the rest of the day? The game only lasts for a few hours.

My husband is way better at occasions than I am. I feel bad I don't keep up with him but I do so much more the other 363 days of the year. So is that the case? Is he a great guy and considerate and caring every day but bdays? If so, just forget birthdays. Plan a lunch with friends or a pedicure. If he's no good all year and then can't even step up on your birthday, seems time to examine exactly what you are getting from being married to him.

I would have gone on the hike without him. Its very rude of him. I understand he works hard all week but its your day. You weren't asking him to buy you diamonds and spend a lot of money.

What does he expect out of you on his birthday?

I guess my answer depends on what his was when you told him you wanted a hike & a picnic. Did he say, "Okay honey, anything you want. I'm on top of this"? Or did he look like a deer in the headlights, unsure of what to say, and just murmur, "Mmm hmm"?

If the first, I'd have said something the day before, like "So we're all set for tomorrow, right? You've got the lunch and the picnic basket set, and the kids are all set with walking shoes and insect repellent?" If he said yes, then I'd "trust but verify" (looking for signs of lunch preparation) and then, if he was in front of the hockey game, I'd have my substantial butt right between him and the screen.

If the second, I'd say, "Do you think that this is something you can give me?" If not, I'd negotiate and see what he can do vs. what he needs help with. "If I set the GPS for the nature area and set out the kids' clothes, will you make sandwiches or stop at the deli?"

This is all assuming that he's a decent and thoughtful guy the rest of the time. If he's not, you've got a much worse problem.

For now, I'd sit him down and tell him what you told us - you're incredibly hurt and disappointed, and you don't care how hard he works or how much he wants to see a hockey game, it's your birthday once a year. If he can't manage the planning because you do it the other 364 days a year, then you sit down and say, "Okay, listen. What CAN you do and what can you commit to for my birthday? What are my choices?"

That's if you're the direct type.

If you're the indirect type, then you plan ZERO for his birthday, put on a Lifetime movie, and make sure there's no beer in the house. When he gripes, you say, "Oh I thought we weren't celebrating birthdays since you ignored mine." But that leaves you being hurt from now until whenever his birthday is. And even then, he might not get the point. Maybe on his birthday, all he wants to do is the same thing - sit on the couch and watch the hockey game.

The third option is to do what will satisfy you. If planning the hike and the picnic yourself makes you happy, do it. If taking the kids and the sandwiches in the car with no announcement, just being gone for the day, gives you pleasure (rather than resentment that he's not there and you had to do all the work), then do that. If you're better off just booking a spa day and a ladies' overnight in a hotel (leaving him with the kids, their needs, their whining, their runny noses, and their dietary fussiness), then do that. Don't load the refrigerator or make a list of things they eat - just leave. At least he'll appreciate you when it's over - when he's done telling you what a tough day he had.

My husband wouldn't plan a big dinner because he doesn't know how. He would take me out, he would make me brunch, he would get me 2 cards (one for the morning, one on my pillow at night) plus a card from the kid and one from the dog, and he'd ask me what I wanted to do. He would send invitations to friends for a party here, if I called the caterer to set a menu. He'd order pizza if I wanted a "just us" evening. He'd choose good gifts, and he wouldn't get flowers because he knows I don't like them. So that's okay with me because he can do plenty that I want and like. But there is NO WAY he would watch a hockey game if I told him I wanted to feel special and what that meant. And there's no way he'd be getting any sex or special treatment from me for a very, very long time.

So a lot depends on your husband's motivation - does he not care, or is he overwhelmed with not knowing how to do what you want? If the first, get counseling. If the second, then break it down for him to help him organize it. But overall, realize that he's not only hurting you, he's teaching the kids that Mom doesn't matter and no one ever has to make a fuss for her. That's not a legacy you want to continue.

Updated

I guess my answer depends on what his was when you told him you wanted a hike & a picnic. Did he say, "Okay honey, anything you want. I'm on top of this"? Or did he look like a deer in the headlights, unsure of what to say, and just murmur, "Mmm hmm"?

If the first, I'd have said something the day before, like "So we're all set for tomorrow, right? You've got the lunch and the picnic basket set, and the kids are all set with walking shoes and insect repellent?" If he said yes, then I'd "trust but verify" (looking for signs of lunch preparation) and then, if he was in front of the hockey game, I'd have my substantial butt right between him and the screen.

If the second, I'd say, "Do you think that this is something you can give me?" If not, I'd negotiate and see what he can do vs. what he needs help with. "If I set the GPS for the nature area and set out the kids' clothes, will you make sandwiches or stop at the deli?"

This is all assuming that he's a decent and thoughtful guy the rest of the time. If he's not, you've got a much worse problem.

For now, I'd sit him down and tell him what you told us - you're incredibly hurt and disappointed, and you don't care how hard he works or how much he wants to see a hockey game, it's your birthday once a year. If he can't manage the planning because you do it the other 364 days a year, then you sit down and say, "Okay, listen. What CAN you do and what can you commit to for my birthday? What are my choices?"

That's if you're the direct type.

If you're the indirect type, then you plan ZERO for his birthday, put on a Lifetime movie, and make sure there's no beer in the house. When he gripes, you say, "Oh I thought we weren't celebrating birthdays since you ignored mine." But that leaves you being hurt from now until whenever his birthday is. And even then, he might not get the point. Maybe on his birthday, all he wants to do is the same thing - sit on the couch and watch the hockey game.

The third option is to do what will satisfy you. If planning the hike and the picnic yourself makes you happy, do it. If taking the kids and the sandwiches in the car with no announcement, just being gone for the day, gives you pleasure (rather than resentment that he's not there and you had to do all the work), then do that. If you're better off just booking a spa day and a ladies' overnight in a hotel (leaving him with the kids, their needs, their whining, their runny noses, and their dietary fussiness), then do that. Don't load the refrigerator or make a list of things they eat - just leave. At least he'll appreciate you when it's over - when he's done telling you what a tough day he had.

My husband wouldn't plan a big dinner because he doesn't know how. He would take me out, he would make me brunch, he would get me 2 cards (one for the morning, one on my pillow at night) plus a card from the kid and one from the dog, and he'd ask me what I wanted to do. He would send invitations to friends for a party here, if I called the caterer to set a menu. He'd order pizza if I wanted a "just us" evening. He'd choose good gifts, and he wouldn't get flowers because he knows I don't like them. So that's okay with me because he can do plenty that I want and like. But there is NO WAY he would watch a hockey game if I told him I wanted to feel special and what that meant. And there's no way he'd be getting any sex or special treatment from me for a very, very long time.

So a lot depends on your husband's motivation - does he not care, or is he overwhelmed with not knowing how to do what you want? If the first, get counseling. If the second, then break it down for him to help him organize it. But overall, realize that he's not only hurting you, he's teaching the kids that Mom doesn't matter and no one ever has to make a fuss for her. That's not a legacy you want to continue.

The day before your birthday (or whatever day you plan to celebrate) say to him, "What time should I be ready to go?"

Clearly you have to be specific and make specific plans. Tell him where you want to go, what you want to eat on your picnic, what he needs to do in order to have the picnic completely prepared and ready to go. You might even need to tell him that you plan to drive away at 10:00 am, so he needs to have all the food, drinks, paper products, etc. packed and already in the car by then.

I think if I had your expectation and saw my husband turn on the tv, I would have stood in between him and the tv and made my expectations known. I don't love it that that's sometimes necessary, but I'd rather remind him and enjoy my day than just sit back and be upset that he isn't doing what I asked.

If my husband is out and I need him for some reason, I call him. If I'm out and taking longer than he thought or he needs me, he sits and stews. Then when I do get home, he gets upset. To me, that's a stupid waste of energy. You have a phone ... use it and save yourself the time and energy you would otherwise put into being stupidly upset.

Instead of being upset that he's watching tv and not getting ready for your outing, turn off the tv and say, "Hey, what happened to my picnic?"

You can get up on your birthday and tell him what you're doing. Because you know he doesn't remember or make plans. He's not going to change. So you make the plans. I suggest you include him in the planning. He may pick up on how to remember special days but don't expect it.

Each of us is responsible for our own happiness. That means that when what we're doing isn't working try something different.

Well ... my husband, my brothers-in-laws, my friends' husbands, etc. all sound like this.

I think they are clueless and they get lazy.

I had a few emotional mother days, Christmases, and birthdays - because I expected too much (what I thought was normal), but then my sisters sat me down and laughed and told me their best gift stories. One of my sisters got a bag of manure for Mother's Day because she loved to garden.

So .. I have learned to let it go. Otherwise it ruins the whole morning or day if you have a tiff, and who wants that.

It's not so much a reflection of you - or his feelings for you. So long as he's good the rest of the time, it's easier just to acknowledge you will have to do it all. When your kids are teenagers, they take over thankfully.

Happy Birthday :) I think most of us can relate!

You stop expecting him to do the planning and surprising, and you won't be disappointed. You do for yourself on your birthday what makes you happy. Plan the hike, make or buy your favorite foods for a picnic, tell them when you are leaving (make it when YOU want) and invite your family to join you. Tell them you'd really like to have the day together. If they get it then and come, great! If not, bring a wonderful new book, or a friend or friends. And have a great time!! Evaluate whether your husband just isn't a "birthday planner" kind of person, or if it's just a part of overall thoughtlessness.

My husband and I have different leisure activity likes. I would rather be on a beach and he would rather be on a softball field. We try to accommodate each other, but it doesn't always work and neither of us expects the other to be miserable to make the other one happy. So I want the beach, the kids and I go. He wants softball, he will take the kids and go.

My 30th birthday weekend my husband ended up being out of town with his mom who had surgery. She kind of planned it, but it wasn't months out. My husband COULD have come home in time for my birthday, but he chose to be with his mom, which in hindsight was the right call for what was going on. I could have been miserable and mad that he wasn't there or I could have been happy he was able to be with his mom and thankful for the awesome time I had with my kids and parents. I chose happiness.

My intent on telling you all of this is that it's all a choice for you. You wanted a hike, go. Plan it and tell him when you're leaving - he can come or not. Things that make you happy won't make him happy all the time. Some husbands go above and beyond for special days, but if yours doesn't, and you know this, you need to find a way to make yourself happy on these days.

I am willing to bet that one or two years of you doing what you want and him not being involved might do a little something to make him do more - if he truly wants to.

If you husband is good in other ways, but just fails in this one particular aspect of your relationship, I would try to find a way around it. My husband has had some spectacular fails in the past when it came to holidays and gift-giving. Now, I make all reservations for places I want to go and I send him links of the gifts that I want so all he has to do is place the order. It actually makes it easier for him and I am happy. It would be great if he could do all of this without my input, but it doesn't work that way in our relationship.

Now, if your husband treats the rest of your marriage the way he does special occasions, I would have to re-evaluate the entire situation.

I'm sorry. I can honestly say most men are not very good at this sort of thing.
So here's what I suggest:
-plan something for yourself w/your friends (even if it's the weekend before or
after
-ON your special day....treat yourself to your favorite things: a Starbucks,
lunch to go, a pedicure, shopping. Even if you do this by yourself. The point
is you have to take care of yourself so treat yourself to all of the things you
absolutely enjoy/crave/love etc.
-pick up a special bauble for yourself. It's still not too late. Do it now. Do it
online, at the nearest store, after you drop your kids off at the school etc.
-Something to think about....never rely on someone else to make your
birthday special. It is YOUR day. You do what you want. You treat yourself.
-okay so next year- tell hubby what you want to do 2 weeks in advance, then a week before remind him what you want to do then 3 days before...a
gentle reminder then the eve before, the morning of you start getting the car loaded w/hiking gear (bottle water, extra shoes for the kids & both of you, snacks, a big backed lunch, a bottle of wine/beer/champagne for you two to share, blankets etc. Tell him in early a.m. you want to leave at so-&-so time then when that time rolls around if he doesn't want to go....YOU GO w/the kids AND you have a great time. Listen we only have one chance at this life so you just go out and do it. Take the reigns & have a ball. Take control of your happiness & create your own destiny.
It's still not too late. Do what you want for yourself tomorrow.
Order a fun little treat for yourself online tonight.
Buy flowers for yourself.
Go shopping....just don't go crazy. Buy yourself an outfit & a knick knack for your house.
Have a great year! Oh & decorate your house next year w/a "birthday banner" & balloons! Hv a great year honey!!!!

My husband isn't a big celebrator, either. My birthday is today and I booked myself an appt for a mani-pedi knowing it was up to me to make it a fun day. Honestly, my day started off with scooping up dog poop before our yard guys got here and having my daughter yell at me for reminding her too many times to come eat breakfast. I don't think the rest of my day will be anything too special, aside from opening some gifts and having cake. I'm fine with that, knowing I had my 1 1/2 hour break during the day.

Definitely take the initiative if celebrations aren't his thing. If you wanted that hike, I would have started packing things up and telling everyone to get ready to go and just made it happen.

Some guys can be good husbands but just suck at special events.

You teach people how to treat you. If you told him you wanted him to take you on a hike and buy lunch with the family and he said "ok" then when he was watching the game you should have said, ok, it's time for the hike, let's go. If he then said, oh, I really want to watch the game, then you take the kids, stop at Subway on the way for sandwiches to go and when his birthday rolls around, you make a regular dinner, get a store bought cake and a small gift and don't make a big deal. If he complains, you innocently say, oh, I thought we weren't making a big deal out of birthday's since you didn't bother with mine. If he apologizes then because he gets it, then every holiday and birthday you make it CLEAR to him what you expect. Then you do a count down. Hey babes, don't forget my birthday is in 2 weeks and we are going to the fair with the kids then dinner at Skippy's. Then a 1 week notice and again the day before. Then there should be NO reason he "forgets". If he does or has some excuse, then you have a WAY bigger problem because he is purposely being disrespectful and rude and thoughtless. That's a bigger problem to deal with. Good luck.

You might have to meet him where he is at. If he has always been hands-off in regards to birthdays and events, he may remain so. This means that waiting on him to be a different person is only going to bring frustration and disappointment. Would it be nice if he did? Sure! But that is out of your hands. What you can control is how you handle the situation.

Instead of telling him "I want an XYZ for my birthday." and waiting for him to get it, you buy it for yourself and tell him, "This is what you got me for my birthday." If you want to go out on your anniversary, make the plans and tell him "We have reservations at La Fancy Cafe at 6pm." If you want a picnic and a hike, you're going to need plan it out and tell him the details so he knows what he's doing that day.

The most important thing is to go forward with humor and acceptance of the reality, not passive-aggressiveness. You can only change yourself, so focus on what you can to so that you're not irritated anymore.

I greatly admire the quality when people choose the most appropriate, thoughtful, PERFECT gifts.
I try, but I just don't have it! 😁

That said, your husband sounds like a clueless lost cause.

Soooooo....put a reminder on your 16 calendar to make your own plans for your birthday. Take your kids, buy yourself a nice gift and send yourself some flowers.

Seriously, I doubt he'll ever change, so expecting a change is futile.
You either wallow in it or take charge and change it yourself!

I hate these kinds of questions :( Mostly because in my case, I was basically buying my own presents and planning my own events, because he just didn't care, and it led to divorce. Sorry to say that. Anyway, I'm going to assume that this is a wonderful man in every other way and his negligence of your birthday is his only flaw....and not put my experience on you.

I ended up, as I said, buying my own presents, and planning my own birthday dates or get-togethers. it DID relieve my disappointed feelings once I finally truly stopped expecting anything...but it was still kind of a sad way to have to spend my birthdays. I guess in my case, there were just too many other things going on, it was just a symptom of a much bigger problem. hope that isn't the case for you!

Well C., sometimes you have to just go on that hike on your own, if that is what you want to do. Chances are, he will come along.

After 18 years, my husband completely forgot to say Happy Birthday to me. We did celebrate on a holiday, so I can see where he had already checked this off as completed.

I know acknowlegement is wonderful, but, I find that is what we women do and often times, men don't get it.

Boy/girl issue.

They probably feel we overreact and are not interested in all of our fun, well planned surprises.

My husband forgot my birthday one time and since then we decided that we're too old for that. So I don't get him anything and he doesn't get me anything. If I want something I go get it myself. You could have planned your own hike and told hubby to run to the store to pick up deli stuff. So it's a fail all around. Kids should have remembered it was your birthday and what you wanted and pulled him along.

The definition of crazy is doing the same thing and expecting different results.

You know your husband even though you haven't said how long this has been going on but if you want someone like this to do something for your birthday then you need to take the wheel and plan it out and execute the plan.

Doing this isn't the end of the world but there are some men that this method works for better than telling them what you want and expecting them to actually do what you desired. One of my wise mentors told me this is what she did with her husband because he NEVER did special occassions like what she deemed as normal husband behavior. She told me if she had known this would work sooner she could have spent 10 years ealier doing this and happy instead of miserable. All her hubby had to be was prepared to pay for the activity.

So I say to you be wiser and plan things out let him know to have his schedule clear and then execute the plan you have for your special day.

He should be that responsible for your happiness. Why couldn't you go hiking and picnicing in the afternoon after hockey?

I have had the exact same problem for years now. My husand works hard, loves me and our kids so much, and is a good person. He doesn't like a big deal made for his birthday, and couldn't understand why I needed it. I was finally able to put it in words for him: I spend my of my day and life catering to him and the kids. While I do take time for myself, I need something to get excited about. I need to get excited about my birthday, Mother's Day, etc. Those days might seem silly and unimportant to him, but I need to be able to look forward to them. I can't do that knowing he wont even attempt to make those days special do r me. So, I began explaining all of this to him. Next, I tried my best to understand his mindset. He wouldn't intentionally forget the day, but I realized sometimes he doesn't even know what day it is. This year, on my birthday, I walked in, told him the calender date ("hey. Today is Tuesday, February 15th." Two seconds later, I saw the light go on. I have started clearly explaining my expectations for days like these. On my birthday, I told him he had to wish my a happy birthday at least three times. When he came home from work, I told him that was a good time for the second happy birthday. I did the same before we went to bed. The week of Mother's Day, I told him I wanted him to help the kids make cards for me, gave him the needed supplies, called in the kids, and walked away. The day before, I told him I wanted breakfast in bed. He had me pick up groceries for what he wanted to make. But he wished me a happy mothers day twice unprompted.

I have also always made a big deal of his birthday because that's what I like on mine. We made a deal: I would try to no longer do this (as previously mentioned he honestly does not like it) and he would try harder to make a bigger deal on days important to me. No offense to men, but their minds are more simple and certain behavior has to be taught. Telling my husband what I wanted wasn't good enough. I had to explicitly show him, step by step. It might not work for every man, but this Mother's Day was by far the best one I have ever had.