How to Celebrate Mother's Day for the First Time After Separated from Husband?

K.,

It would not be pushing it to plan something yourself.

I am a single mom, the father is not in the picture, and all of by bio family is deceased. My daughter will be three next month. For the past two years on Mother's Day, I have packed a picnic lunch and walked with her to a pretty park to enjoy the picnic. I use the time to tell her how glad I am that she is in my life and how blessed I am to be her mother. The experiences have really empowered me as a single mother.

Also, I am an advocate for not celebrating holidays in schools because there are so many more family structures than mom and dad, and so many more ways that families celebrate days like Christmas than what is commercialized. Last year I thought it was funny when my two year old came home with a Father's Day tie she made in preschool, but next year I know her questions and feelings will be hard for me to address.

About Robert, I would suggest to just let this year go. You two are working out bigger issues. The best thing you could probably do is be thoughtful on Father's Day, arrange something simple and nice for him and your child. But to suggest or expect something from him on your day is neither graceful, considerate or sincere.

Anyways, I want to wish you an early Happy Mother's Day. You are so blessed to be able to experience the wonder of being a mother, and she is blessed to have you for one:)

Sincerely,

B.

PS- EVERYDAY is Mother's Day:)

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Don't expect anything from your ex. You guys are apart, so you will have to get used to doing things on your own. That said, there are many, many other single mothers out there who plan their own day. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It is your day, so do what you want and what will make your daughter happy. I know that for me anything I do that makes my kids happy, makes me happy. It's pretty easy to have fun with a 3 1/2 year old. Talk to her and see what she wants to do...go to the park, movie, whatever. Just have a fun day together and enjoy each other!

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I agree with all the ladies who said not to expect anything from your ex-. It's harsh but true - you are not his mother. If he is exceptionally kind, he will recognize you as the mother of his child. At this point in your early separation, it might be asking too much.

I will tell you that I don't expect it from my husband either. It's just not his personality. It IS important to me, however. So he tries, and it is rarely what I would do for myself (I wanted a new TV remote? no...LOL!) I decided to do what I want to make myself happy then. He can also do his thing which is icing on the cake, but me...if I do for myself, I get the flavor of cake I want and all! I am so much happier now. I have changed my outlook and actions, and therefore the outcome is what I want. Yes, it would be nice if he could tune in to me more, but he is who he is and I love him regardless.

My husband is gone one weekend a month. I have three kids alone. I used to feel sorry for myself. Now I actually look forward to when he is gone...I cannot WAIT! It's free fun time for mom and kids. See, he's a homebody and I am not. I like to go and do things, almost anything! When he is gone, we always have a fun outing for mom and kids, we do whatever we want, and there is no hurry to get home! No stress. We turned it into a great day, great memories for all, and that way we also don't miss dad. I LOVE these times with my boys, it is priceless and has turned into the most fun high point of my month.

I would suggest that for you and your daughter, go out - find something fun - the zoo, the park, the nail salon, whatever works for you. Matter of fact, I am going to go plan my Mother's Day now!

Best of luck to you :)

p.s. By the way, I was thinking of my last Mother's Day where I wanted to be super mom for every kid because I appreciated and loved them so much. My stepkids were also over. I made a big breakfast and did all the dishes, I was floating around singing and all (very June Cleaver). My teenage stepson came out that morning and grunted at me, he did not say hello or good morning or anything. He was in a grouchy mood all day long. Sometimes you don't even get what you want (a happy house) no matter how hard you try! You just have to let it roll off your back. This year, I'll do something different and try again.

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It is nice to be honored on Mother's Day, but if there is no one to help the children, it likely won't get done. The next best thing is to spend the day together celebrating how wonderful your relationship with each other is. We go (cabin) camping together, but you could go paint pottery, go mini golfing, bowling, hiking, to the beach... anything you both would have fun doing. Then, honor yourself by scheduling a trip to the spa, or buy yourself something nice. You now have to learn to give yourself what you need instead of expecting it from others.

If your ex were putting your daughter first, he would know the importance of helping your daughter celebrate, and would also recognize that keeping his daughter's mother happy is best for his daughter. A depressed woman makes a half-a$$ed mom. (nothing personal there, just observations from my own life) In return, whether he is awesome on Mother's Day or sucks, you should help your daughter to really honor her father on Father's Day. He may get a clue and help her next year, Christmas, and your b-day. Try to stop thinking of it as doing your ex a favor and looks at it as doing your daughter a favor. Whether you or he likes it or not, her mother and father are both extremely important to her!

Happy Mother's Day!

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It is your day and I say, plan something for just the two of you. She is too young to plan an outing, but maybe you could explain to her about the specialness of the day and she can give some input.

Zenana in NW portland has a mother-daughter nail special that might be fun. Check out their web page. I'm thinking of doing this w/ my daughter. I'll probably plan it for a weekday and put my son in the child care that they provide.

Maybe you two can plan a special picnic and fix the picnic menu together. Give her some materials to make a collage card and let her go. The possibilities are endless.

I'm afraid that you are on your own for this, unless you have some girl friends that you can do something with. It wouldn't be right to ask her daddy. But, when father's day comes around, be the big person and take her shopping for a card and a small item under $10 for her to give her daddy, or have her make something for him. Hopefully, he will do the same, but I wouldn't count on it.

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Mother's Day isn't about celebrating your husband, it's about celebrating the relationship between mother and child. You don't need him to do this, it would be nice to have someone plan a day for you, or for your Mom to be home so you could do something with her, but that's not the case, so you and your daughter make this a 'Momma and Me' day. At her age, a really nice restaurant would be lost on her, so go to a Denny's or someplace similar for breakfast. Wear coordinated outfits. Then go out and do something fun and different. I see by your profile you live in Portland, go to the Portland Zoo for the day. Or see if there's a shop that you can go and paint pottery... the two of you each make something for your Mom's. While you're out, if there's one of those photo booths that takes a strip of pictures, do it and then use those pictures when you get home to make a scrap book page. You could paint sweatshirts together. Fabric paints are realitively inexpensive... let her make handprints on her's and/or your's. Date the shirts.... Have fun and relish the awesome relationship and memories that you and your daughter are making. Plant a tree, like a pink dogwood, and watch it grow through the years.

And if you and your husband decide to divorce, make sure that the parenting plan stipulates that you each have custody of your daughter on the appropriate holidays, such as your birthday and Mother's Day, and for him, his birthday and Father's Day. It will be so much easier if you can just agree to these four days up front.

Happy Mother's Day!!! Happy Daughter's Day!!! Happy Momma and Me, every day!!!

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Maybe you could pack a lunch, head up the gorge a little and find a nice place for you and your daughter to eat lunch together. You could go on a nature walk, play at a park, and just relax together. I am not sure on how your papers look for custody, but every one that I know gets their child on the holiday (mothers for mothers day, father for fathers day). Personally, I wouldn't expect my ex to plan something. I would just find something special that you'd like to do with you and your daughter. I hope you have a good day....

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I remember, when I was a young adult, feeling that someone else should plan special days for me. Somehow it just felt wrong for me to be in charge of "my" special day. Then I realized it is "my" special day and I wanted to have that day be a happy one for me. What better way to make the day happy then to plan it myself?

If I waited for someone else to do something special I was frequently disappointed. I also resented the person(s) that I thought should do the planning who either didn't plan or planned something that I thought they should know I wouldn't like.

Now, I make a plan. I talk about my plan with people I want included on that day and we may modify my plan or not. This way I have a sense of companionship with important people in my life for several days. I also have a sense of control over what makes me happy. I'm not relying on someone else to make me happy.

My granddaughter has enjoyed shopping with me since she was around 3. Sometimes we would shop together for a gift for me to give to her or her to give to me. Now, she's 8, she'll sometimes say she wants me to buy something. This past weekend it was flowers. I was going to buy 2 bunches for my daughter who was having a party. My granddaughter picked out 3 bunches. I reminded her that we needed just 2 but she calmly but firmly said, "no Grandma, we need 3." So we bought 3 and when we unloaded the car she said to leave the red carnations in the car because they were for me.

If you go shopping for your gift with your daughter you are teaching her about giving and you are doing it while you're sharing love. Just be sure you shop for something inexpensive that would be in her reach as she gets older and wants to shop on her own. It is not the value that's important. It's the love that goes with the gift.

I remember that when I first started planning for myself that the day seemed different and could feel sad. We've been taught to believe that someone does this for us to show their love. So I focused on my love for myself. And for Mother's day the love I shared with my daughter and now my granddaughter.

If you have any friends who are also alone, you could get together to celebrate. I wasn't a mother until I was in my 40's. I frequently celebrated special days with friends who were mothers. I appreciated being included in their family events. One year I couldn't be with my mother on Mother's Day. An older neighbor had no children and her mother was gone. We went to lunch together and had a good time.

Each of us is responsible for our own happiness. It is important to not expect something from someone else when we know that they aren't able to give us what we want. When we do want what we can't have and try to get someone else to give it to us we end up angry and unhappy. So "seize the day" and make it happy for yourself and your daughter.

Yes, you'll feel sad. You've lost a relationship. You'll miss your own mother. Let yourself feel sad. The add some happiness to the day by focusing on your daughter and doing something together that you'll both enjoy.

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ouch. this was so hard for me the first year, partly because, like with you, he had recently left. Not much better the second. This third year I find I don't care at all.

What actually sucked MORE for me was that he tries to get the kids to do something for me ... to me, having him reject me as their mother and his wife and then try to do the holiday (for the kids? or maybe to please his mother? I never could figure out why he did it) was just rubbing salt in the wound : P ... I'm kind of hoping he forgets this year. I chose to be grateful and accept it as a gift to me from whatever deeply hidden stores of affection he maybe had :P, but it was a challenge. (Nowadays we have real affection. Stick with that counseling thing, even if you stay apart etc., even if people think it's weird to stick it after you separated. It did help.)

One thing to consider (practical advice) is doing something with your daughter that is hands on--that produces something concrete. Since she's so young.

I'm thinking flowers ... picking and arranging flowers is a nice, body-active way for a young child to center herself in a holiday, while celebrating beauty and creativity and all kinds of things we mothers probably hope to be for our daughters ;).

Maybe I'll do that too. Oo, since I always buy the carnations at the fundraiser after church that day, I'm good to go! Yay!

Have a happy and blessed mother's day :).

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Maybe suggest to her that on Mother's day, she gets to spend the whole day doing what she would like to do with her mom. Be prepared to offer the same to her dad. It doesn't have to be celebrating you as her mom, it can simply be celebrating time with mom. Do fun things together that she enjoys but that will be fun for you too. Plan it with her and then it's not you pushing it, but she's getting a say in how things go which might be really good for her right now! :)

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I would definitely not rely on your husband. Just do it- plan a day to go to the zoo. Have fun, take a picnic lunch and focus on all the good things of that day. :) Don't forget to sleep in and add in a little extra snuggle time. These are the things your little one will remember and will create bonds between you that could never be undone.

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You've already received some wonderful ideas from other moms. It's your day so why not start a tradition of "girls day out" with your daughter! If in future years you want to include your mom you can and still include your dad and other family members at the end of the day by having dinner with them.

I have a friend who is in her 60s and started something like this years ago and now gets together every mother's day with her daughter and now her grand-daughter, too! Now it's more like a mother's day weekend since they live several hundred miles from each other. They start planning several months in advance and pick something they all want to do.

Since your daughter is still so young, you may want to start out with something simple like others have suggested -going to the beach or the zoo - anything you think you both would enjoy. As she gets older she can get more involved in the planning process.

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Mother's Day is to honor your mother. Celebrate with her when she gets back or before she goes. Focus on honoring your mother, take her to lunch, etc. On the other hand with your daughter, she will most likely make you something cute at daycare, and at 3 1/2 years old, that is her honoring you on Mother's Day. I had 3 kids and my X did not (of course) help them honor me I was the wicked X and not HIS mom! So, I just taught my kids as we went along...for example I would take them to the thrift store a couple days before my b-day, mother's day, etc. and I would tell the store lady that they were shopping for b-day, or Mother's day gifts. I closed my eyes, they each picked an inexpensive token,then the sales lady hid it in the bag and I didn't see it, but I bought it. At home sometimes I helped wrap it blindfolded, or they had decorated a lunch sack ahead of time and plopped it in there. As they got older, we talked about how they could make me breakfast, or do a special little thing for me, make me a coupon book, etc. The purpose is after all for my children to give honor to me for all I've done..gratitude. BUT on Father's Day, I always did the right thing and helped my kids make a card and make a small gift for daddy, and they took with when they went to see him. Your daughter will LOVE Mother's Day if she can pour the cereal into the bowl, pour on some milk and bring it to mommy in bed!! A breakfast together in bed! Just love her, spend time with her, etc. and maybe your mom could talk to her a little bit about Mother's Day is coming, what would you like to do for mommy?

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My advice is to plan it yourself and be okay with that. Don't worry about pushing it. You are her mother and if there's no one else to help her plan a mother's day celebration then do it yourself. We all deserve to be treated well and also to be treated special on those special occasions when others are also being treated special. So what you made the plans? So what you bought the card (have her help you pick it out)? So what you made it all happen? You deserve it and your daughter deserves a special day with her mom.

I wouldn't try to involve your husband on this one. You will want this day to be special, calming and joyful and it sounds like you can't seem to be around him so why bring him into it?

The BEST advice for this and all other issues or situations you come across in your life is to not care what others think and to always take good care of yourself...treat yourself special because you are.

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It's not easy to be a single mom, but I applaud you for making a tough decision, for yourself and your daughter.
As for Mother's Day, it is definitely up to you to find a way to celebrate the day with your daughter.
Take her to a children's museum, the zoo, or even just a nice breakfast and some play time at a park.
Mother's Day doesn't have to be about receiving cards and presents, just look at it as a day for you to appreciate the best part of being a mom, spending a fun day with your daughter!

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I figured I'd add a note - granted I've been married coming up on 12 years - but even that my husband isn't good about celebrating me. Looking back at pictures I realized there was nothing of me on my -b-day or mother's day. So finally I told him exactly what I wanted - sure it kind of sucks they can't read minds - but I was never really good at it either.

Since your daughter is so young she's not going to come up with things on her own - so if I were you I'd plan a fantastic girls day out - just have fun - buy yourself a gift for her to give you - as she grows older she can choose things.

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Make a day for the both of you. Later, you will both remember the wonderful mother/daughter mother's days that you had together.
It's about the memories, not about having someone remember that it's mother's day. Enjoy am outing together. Celebrate each other! You are a mother because of her.
Enjoy!

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I think you should take control of how you want to celebrate being a Mom. It's a day about you giving birth. Who cares if you're pushing it? But I don't think that you are. Do something you wouldn't normally do with your daughter. Take a day trip somewhere and just relax. Go to the beach or to Bend for the weekend.

check you local paper for a mother daughter tea social. i know alot of churchs offer this event and always a great way to celebrate for little or no cost at all, or find anouther mom and daughter to have a tea social with, you know silly frilly hats and gloves and all

I would just take my daughter and head to the park for a picnic lunch or something. It doesn't have to be fancy, just something you both would enjoy!

don't expect anything from R, then you won't be disappointed. Just think of it as a day to be especially grateful that you get to be a Mom! Celebrate the other Moms you know.

I wouldn't stress about this one day. Mothers should be shown appreciation and love every day!! When your daughter gets older she will surly make a big deal of this one day, but for now focus on just enjoying each other everyday.

Hi K.,

I understand the idea of not wanting to plan anything for yourself, but I think you will be disappointed if you expect anything else. Maybe you and your daughter could brainstorm some ideas together. At 3½ years old, she could probably help you come up with some fun ideas, but she will still need your guidance (and perhaps fine tuning). If you take control of planning the day without relying on your husband/ex, then you know that you'll be taking advantage of the day as much as you can and be doing something that you and your daughter will enjoy together, instead of being disappointed for having too high of expectations of your husband/ex (given your situation). If he does plan something, then you can consider it, though I think you'll have a much better day if you plan it with your daughter and leave your expectations otherwise at the door. Enjoy your Mother's Day with your daughter. Isn't that the most important part of it?

I wish you the best of luck with your family, and I hope you find your happiness within yourself, and can show your daughter how to do the same.

Your daughter is plenty old enough to come up with ideas (in response to other advice). I think this is the perfect oportunity to let your daughter take the wheel! Forget expecting or wishing that "dad" would facilitate...
Talk to your daughter about how special a day it is and how it is set aside for kids to show their mommy how much they love them. Tell her that you really want to have a special day with her and let her decide what to do. I am sure she will have a million ideas. It might not be what you would hope for, but remember if you ask her to decide what to do for mommy, that whatever it is, she really is doing it out of love. If she wants to take you to the park and play, go enjoy the time you have together. Later play dress up and let her dress up like mommy and help bake cookies or something special...whatever she wants to do to show you how special you are to her.

Why don't you turn the day into Mother/Daughter Day. You could go out to tea, take a stroll through the park or hit the beach. Just spend time together being the special people that you are. Good luck!

This is mothers day plan it yourself that is not pushing it you are planning somethinfg fun for yourself and your daughter. Even when i was married if i wanted to do something special i had to plan it my self Good luck
Paula

Another thing you could do with your daughter is to shop for or make a mothers day gift for your mom, to be saved for a belated celebration after her trip. It would be a nice activity for you to share with your daughter, and also model for her how to honor someone you love.

Sorry to hear about your separation. I'm in the same boat and we are trying to figure out new ways to do things, both in our daily routine and for these special occasions. It is difficult but I look at it as a new beginning. We can start fresh and make our own traditions. Blessings to you and your daughter.

I would just spend the day with your daughter go to the park and have a picnic or do something fun with her. Mothers day is about you just celebrate being a mom no husband needed. My husband doesn't do anything for me for mothers day because I am not his mother. He helps the kids do things for me but nothing really comes from him and I am fine with that.

Why don’t you look and see if any restaurant or hotel is offering any kind of a Mother’s Day tea. It’s ok to plan your own event. After all, it is special time for you and your daughter. It's your day and your daughter is the one that made you a mom. Don't count on your husband to plan anything--it may disappoint you. You don't him to ruin your day. The only person you can ever count on 100% is yourself, so plan a special day with your daughter and have a great time!!!!

Why don't you spend the day doing something fun, just you and your daughter. Mom and Me at the Zoo can be fun, but I think that is actually on Saturday this year. Pick something that you really enjoy and then spend the day doing that with your daughter. For example, when my son was 4 or 5 he and I took some balls, frisbee, baseball bat, badmitton, cards etc and spent the whole day playing on the beach. It's my favorite thing to do.

I'm sorry about your separation - that must be really hard. But as most other people have expressed, I would definitely make it a day to enjoy with your daughter - don't worry that you're the one planning it! Low-key, little work, and just enjoying your daughter (she is the reason you get to celebrate, after all! :-) ) is all it takes. Doesn't have to be complicated, but treat yourself to time together and forget other things. Best wishes for a WONDERFUL Mother's Day!

You can make it Mommy's special day to love her daughter. Take her to the park. Do not expect one single thing from the ex, you will be disappointed if you do. Make it a special mother/daughter day and plan the whole thing yourself, that is not pushing it or going overboard. You will make the day special for your daughter, there are years down the road when she will return the favor to you!

I think the only way to get what you really want is to plan it yourself. Tell your daughter that Mother's Day is your special day and make plans for the two of you to do something special together - go out to eat or the park or zoo or shopping or whatever you think would be fun. Maybe you could get take out and have a picnic at home or somewhere else. Do you have any friends with young kids also? If you don't want to be alone ask if they would like to do something with you, you might be surprised that even if they have a husband they might not be doing anything with him.

If you are newly separated from your husband I wouldn't place any expectations on him doing something special for you, I think that is just setting yourself up for dissapointment.

I remember growing up my mom usually wanted me to help her weed the garden for Mother's Day which I HATED to do as a teenager, but that one day I would do it and try to have a good time because I knew it made her happy.

Hey K.,

First of all, I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time. I hope you all find peace and a workable solution.

As for Mother's Day, don't ask your ex to do anything for mother's day and definitely don't expect anything.

Even loving husbands can forget mother's day or be really bad about planning things!! I'm married to a man who remembers birthdays, anniversaries, etc., but is horrible about planning anything. I have learned to just plan my own birthdays and mother's days and then invite him along ; )

To expect an X to do something special for you is simply unrealistic.

A divorce/separation is like a death. Letting go of expecting your X to be or do anything can also feel like a death. So, let yourself cry or rage - away from your daughter and your X, of course - and be gentle with yourself. Talk to a good friend or your counselor or journal about your feelings. Whatever it takes.

Then start planning the perfect mother's day for just you and your little girl.

My prayers are with you.

Go to the zoo. Find out if the Portland Zoo does Mom and Me at the Zoo for Mother's Day like they do in Seattle. If not, it is sure to be fun anyway. Spend all day enjoying the animal mommy and babies on exhibit. It is always fun for kids and a great way spend the day together.