Husband Spent Money Without Asking!

I'd sell it on Craigslist. I'd talk to my husband about it first...how it is more than we can afford right now, how it is a style I hate, and how I only have one pair of dress shoes for work bc I have been being so frugal. It has to go...sorry hubby.

Most everyone has covered the "what would you do" aspect. I just want to reiterate that this is about SO much more than just a china hutch. Please address the underlying issues... the hutch is just a symptom.

Unless he can use his wood working skills to make it the style you want, that sucker is going back on Craig's list! You children will know that it's not ok to to run over mom and expect her to like it! The very idea, to give a "gift" that you don't like and expect to to act like you like it because the kids might not think you are respecting Dad! Bud, the day he worrys as much about you, would be the day I accepted that ugly china hutch!

In our marriage, we don't ask permission to spend money. We are a partnership and neither of us "own" the other nor do we act as our spouse's parent. I am not saying this is how you are but we both share control of finances around here.

Where was he coming from with this purchase? Sounds like he was happy and wanted to surprise you. What was the occasion? Birthday, Anniversary, just I love you?

I do think it is overboard to be crying about it. Also your children are old enough to see that you didn't appreciate his gesture. I would use it graciously.

Remind him that you prefer not to be surprised but be glad someone is thinking of you. Who knows.... maybe he has secretly saved up for this surprise.

Well, this would set my teeth on edge. What are you most upset about? The style or the fact that he did this without talking to you? I'm thinking that he did it without your knowledge because if you knew, you would have said, "oh honey that's sweet but it doesn't go with the furniture we have in there and its just not in the budget".

He was passive aggressive about this. I don't really have an answer because neither my husband or myself would do this to the other.

Either you accept this or you push back. You are worried about disrespecting dad but didn't he do that to you?

You could say "I love that you did this, but it needs to go back or sell it again on Craigslist. This doesn't match and it most definitely isn't in the budget". OR you sell it without telling him and buy one that matches your set or you put the money back in the bank.

Ya'll need to talk seriously about boundaries and money!

He bought it from Craigslist so you can't return it. I would tell him thanks, but no thanks, and just turn around and resell it on Craigslist. If your kids are 12 and 15 they can understand if you tell them while you appreciate the thought, the hutch isn't your style, and you can't afford it right now. The other option would be to take the financial blow and use the hutch, just until you find one that suits your style, and then sell it.

Ditto Osohapi. My husband and I don't get permission from each other before spending money, but I take a lot of pride in my home and if my husband spent a lot of money on an ugly piece of furniture I would be pissed off. I'd tell him to take it out to the garage and re list it on craigslist.
For those who say you should just take it, what about him? I get so tired of women telling other women to ignore their feelings for their husband's sake. You should absolutely have a say in how your home is decorated. If you're not getting a say in the decor I shudder to think about what other ways he controls you.

I'd make room for it.
Load it up and just tell the kids (AND hubby) that you don't like surprises when it comes to furniture. You'd like a hand in choosing anything further.
Crying over it? I think that's a bit extreme.

You know what? I totally get it.

You feel like you are broke. You feel like you are 'making do' and taking one for the team. Your husband asks you to account for expenses (or at least, this is your feeling) yet spent money on something unnecessary while knowing that things were tight. You went away and he 'surprised' you with something for... well, let's say 'kind of' both of you-- you wanted the hutch and he wanted the style.

I'd be p.o.ed too.

I understand asking each other about expenses. We are in a tight time right now and so, you know, so my husband and I do check in with each other about anything non-essential because it means "do we need to put it on the credit card so we don't overdraw our checking?" In this case, asking about spending is about Being a Responsible adult and working as a team to lessen the possible risks of racking up fees and overdraft charges.

I think you might tell him that you are ready to go talk to a counselor. I was married (once) to a man who was financially irresponsible and would buy 'me' gifts that were really for him, so I understand how you feel this *wasn't* truly for you. If he had said "hey, I'd really like to get this for you, what do you think?" it would have given you a chance to at least have a say about this and he took that away from you.

FWIW, I am married to someone now who would love for our house to be an antique museum. :) Love him dearly, but I had to really work with him to make him understand that furniture has to work for both of us. We both live here, with a young child,no less. We have similar tastes, but some of the things he'd just love to have I know are too delicate or not functional enough or just too much, period. I've had to learn to give a willing 'yes' or a firm 'no' without making it about our whole relationship, and without holding onto any resentment if I do say yes. That took some work on my part, to get to that point.

So, go talk to someone about improving the communication in your marriage. I'd live with the hutch for now, but let him know that you are very frustrated that he is not considering you an equal voice in the marriage, because this is what it sounds like to me. You have a right to your feelings-- listen, no one else here is living in YOUR marriage, in YOUR family with YOUR situation. Families on tight incomes DO check in with each other about spending. Like I said, it's about being responsible with the money, not about being each others keeper. I found that when my ex didn't check in with me regarding spending, boy, we had a lot of extra bank charges to pay. Not smart.

I would be upset that he bought something you guys cannot afford at the moment. If you have to ask to spend money, so should he.

I would really be upset that he bought a style of furniture, knowing you don't like it.

And I would be furious if I did not have a say in decorating my own home!

He sounds like a control freak (jerk) that is trying to look like the good guy in front of the kids, for buying you a hutch.

There is way more going on here than a hutch. Not sure why some of those replying don't see that?

I would just tell the kids that you should not be spending money on the hutch, it is not your taste and turn around and sell it. If your children are daughters, please teach them to marry an equal partner.

This sounds like there's more going on in your marriage than just money struggles. I would stop crying and start acting.

I don't get how you can be married to a "man" like that. Basically - everything is HIS way?

Is he a stay at home dad, unemployed, working full time - what?

Why do you have to JUSTIFY your expenses to him? Are you his daughter or his WIFE/PARTNER???

I don't get what's going on here. I really don't. It doesn't sound like a happy marriage. It sounds like your husband is a controlling rat who doesn't respect his wife or even take her into consideration.

What would I do? I would tell my husband that I appreciate his efforts to decorate OUR home - but I don't like it and it needs to go. IF he didn't listen to that...we'd be having a SERIOUS conversation about the status of our marriage.

You state to your kids that while you are happy there is a hutch - it is NOT what you wanted and in a marriage - you work TOGETHER.

My husband and I don't give permission to spend money. We are a cash only family. We know what we want in our home. We decide together on spending money on "big ticket" items.

If your husband didn't buy it for you - and KNOWS you do NOT like this style of furniture - did he do it to spite you or what?

Why are you not working together on the finances? If you didn't have the money - where did he get the money from?

I'm just sooo confused...my whole response is disjointed.

If your husband wants to save the marriage? You BOTH need counseling on how to communicate and share the responsibilities of the home - decorating and all. No more justifying expenses. Working TOGETHER. If he's not willing to do that? Ask yourself - are you better off with or without him.

ONLY YOU can determine that one.

Your husband has to *ask* to spend money?

I can totally understand your frustration - but I am hoping he doesn't really "ask" and he just talks with you about it instead.

You cried all night about this? That says to me there is far more going on than just you not liking the hutch. Do you and your husband fight a lot about money? It sounds to me as if there have been some other "unfair" things in the past, as you mention you must justify your expenses to him each month as well as him getting his way all the time. Has he done this splurge spending before?

It sounds to me as if you two should sit down and talk about your expenses and budget in a different way than you have been.

My husband and I are very open about money. He will come to me to discuss any big purchases (say over $350) and I will do the same for him. But he is never required to ask permission. We VERY rarely fight about money. But that is because we are pretty much on the same page. Our budget may be different than yours, but the discussions are the same - we all have a goal we want to reach. So the plan has to be to reach it together.

About the hutch - I would honestly not say a word about the style issue, and would just leave it where it is and deal with it. What I would address is why you feel so hurt about his actions. There is something deeper going on. I am guessing you don't feel like his partner lately for the many different reasons outlined in your post.

ETA:: I don't seen any insinuations that the poster and her hubby fight about money. What I do see are questions from readers asking whether they do, and suggesting the OP dig a bit to see if it really is the color of a hutch or the purchase of it that is making her cry. I also don't see anyone "slamming" her for her choice of words (spent money without *asking*). Again, what I do see are people saying they hope what she means is they discuss, not that they ask each other for permission. I don't see how it is so "clear" that is what she meant, when she said "ask permission" and again mentions him not "asking" her and her having to justify her expenses to him. That doesn't sound like a smooth money-sharing relationship to me. I don't see any slamming statements, just helpful ones (TF in particular) suggesting her and her hubby communicate....no harm in that. Sigh..and that is why I hate this site.

I would not be upset about my husband spending money without my "permission" but I would be upset about the furniture not matching the rest of the house and him just assuming I would be happy about it. My entire house matches, it's solid oak, which is out of style and most people don't care for, but I LOVE it. I would be upset if my husband said, surprise! I bought you a black lacquor china hutch! I would be like, WTH??!!! So I understand that point of it. What would I do about it? I'd put it up for sale on Craigslist and use the money to buy one that *I* wanted. Not sure how that would go over with your husband but I would not want to look at a large piece of furniture every day that basically had bad feelings behind it. And I would have a long talk about BOTH of us agreeing on large purchases BEFORE they are made. Good luck.

So he spends money your household can't afford, doesn't allow you a voice in your own home, makes you routinely justify your expenses to him, and now you're worried that you can't simply say "I don't want this." without being disrespectful to him as a father?

Why have you lived like this for so long with this man?

Maybe he was trying to surprise you, since you have wanted a hutch for 20-years now. You could tell him that it's not your style or grin and bear it. My husband decorates the man cave/family room and it has wall to wall wood panelling. A throwback to the 70's and he LOVES it. I hate the paneling completely, but I let it go because I don't need to control every aspect in the house. In this case, I think you are more upset that you don't get a say in certain things - not about the hutch.

It sounds like this is less about then money than about him decorating the house without your input. As for the kids, there is nothing to explain. Disagreements between you and your husband are not their business and you should not involve them.
Do you have joint finances? If so, separate finances might work better for you and your husband so that you have your own accounts and each have your own family bills/expenses that you're responsible for covering. Then if he has extra money, he can buy furniture without asking, and you can buy shoes without asking.
As for the not liking the hutch, I think you need to confront him that he's ruined your dining room with a piece of furniture that does not match. My husband isn't great with that decorating stuff either and I have to point out when certain things simply don't go in the room. I'd ask him to use "his" hutch down in his woodshop for his tools and not in your beautiful dining room.

Does he work? Honestly, if it was not more then $100 my husband and I would not have asked each others, it is both of our house and we both have a right to put pieces in it we love. I hate my husbands big black kegarator, but it is not just my house so I deal with it. He hates my shabby chic coffee table, but I love it so he deals. When a home belongs to a couple you should be able to see them both in it, but rather then say he can't get things he loves, how about you adding pieces you love. It seems odd to me that this simple thing had you in tears, and it makes me wonder if there is more going on deeper for you that you have not dealt with, something that may or may not have anything to do with your husband.

As for the shoes, is that your choice or his? Have you decided not to buy more or has be told you you can not? You can get comfy shoes for not much money if you look. Also, I am not sure why having only one pair of work shoes is so odd, most people I know wear the same shoes to work everyday unless what they have to do at work changes (like my mom who wears her dressy shoes on clinic days and her tennies on surgery days)

In the end this really does not seem like it is about a china hutch or a pair of shoes, and I think counseling could be a great step for the two of you.

I get your ire. Decorating is stereotypically the wife's domain.

My first husband did all of the holiday shopping for his family. I felt as if my opinion and taste must not have met his standard.

No advice. Just sympathy. Been there.

I think her crying shows that that there is deeper issues in his not allowing her take on a female role in the home decor. That's major. Women pride themselves on their decor.

I agree with isntthisfun - there is more going on here imo

I totally understand where you are coming from! I went back and forth about buying myself a jacket that was $40 and my husband goes out and buys $60 boxing gloves.

I think you just need some more communication. We've had to have numerous conversations about money and how it's spent because we don't want to feel like we have to ask "permission" to buy stuff, but at the same time why should I worry about a $40 jacket if he's going to easily buy $60 gloves?

I think communication, not fighting, is the key. Hopefully you can reach a compromise about the decorating--can you choose a room and he choose a room? I think the secret is to talk to him when you're both not going to be emotional about it.

My dad used to sneak and buy things when my mom was out of town. It burned her too! So I understand your feelings, and I hope you can reach a resolution.

Sell that thing on Craigslist!! LOL!

The way I see it you have three options.

1. Repost it on Craig's list and try to get out of it what he spent. It will let him know that you CANNOT afford this.

2. Accept it. Not my top choices as this is only going to add to built up resentment

3. Take it outside and do you best to restyle it to something you like. If you succeed, you have a piece you like and can be proud of. If you fail..... well your husband will figure out what you will do when he doesn't listen to you (yes it's passive aggressive but at least you tried).

Sometimes a hutch is just a hutch.

Since it's so much more for you, and you're taking it as a supreme act of disrespect and thoughtlessness, you need to either figure out why or straight out admit why. There's just too much resentment and bitterness for this to just be about furniture and money when you said yourself that it was an inexpensive item. I mean... you cried for the better part of a day and night. That's not about furniture or money. That's about marriage.

I would work on the household budget together. Start going shopping and paying bills together. Budget clothes and shoes for yourself because you need them to appear professional. You mentioned that you work, but made no mention of your husband working. Is that the real issue? He spent "your" hard earned money? Money that belongs to the household? Is that why you feel he needs your "permission" to spend money and you get to hold the purse strings so very tightly?

As you work on a household budget together, you need to open up lines of communication. Talk without accusing. Try counseling.

It would have to go. What a jerky move on your husband's part. Go buy yourself a pair of shoes too.

I don't get it -- the kids are excited because they knew how much YOU wanted a china hutch?

So did he buy it for himself, or for you? A china hutch is not something a straight male usually buys, so I'm guessing it was a gift for you.

I don't think you need to say anything to the kids. But I do think you need to talk to your husband about the discrepancy between your having to justify all your expenses and his getting to buy whatever he wants.

The hutch isn't the issue, but his micromanaging your spending, without allowing you to do the same, IS.

I agree with Wild Woman.

You cried all night...over a china hutch? And you are struggling with how to explain to your children...about a china hutch?

Are you talking about a china hutch or an abusive relationship?

If this is really about spending money - you earn a salary so...go out today and buy three pairs of shoes, and while you're at it, but a second china hutch!!

And/or - consider this china hutch your hubby's Christmas gift. In advance. You don't have to spend any money on him at the holidays, since he spent so much of your (?) money on himself!!

ETA: You mention that you have to "justify expenses" to him. Well, from now til eternity your "justification" can be: "This is payback for that time you bought a china hutch."

Sell it and use the money for new shoes.

It sounds like he found something he thought you would like. I think you need to stop bringing the kids into it too. It has nothing to do with them and it's not really their business.

"The kids are so excited; they know how much I have wanted a china hutch (for 20 years), but I don't want it this way" says he could have bought it for you. The kids have the idea he bought it for you so he must have said it was for you...

You and he have to come to terms about your finances though.

You should not have to report to him and he shouldn't have to report to you. You both should have joint bills that get paid then if you want to have responsibility for any certain bills out of your own money then divvy them up.

Each of you need to have an allowance that is throw away money. Not for clothing, not for groceries, not for anything for the kids, just for nothing at all. You can spend every cent of it on bubble gum if you want. It is for totally blowing on nothing. This will make you feel a little more independent.

Sell something else to make up for the shortfall in funds.
Seems like your marriage has a whole lot of give and not a lot of take and it's not a 2 way street at all.
Your husband steamrolls over you and your feelings are not considered.
Do you REALLY want to stay married him and live like this till one of you dies?
Get some counseling and determine if this is a deal breaker for you or not.
Explain it to the kids like this.
Imagine you dreamed of something you've always wanted to get and then you got it but it was totally not like you what you wanted at all.
Does Dad steamroll over the kids too or is it just you?
Are they learning how to become like him?
If you decide to stay, get one room of the house that you have total say over and design it exactly as you want then put a lock on the door and don't let anyone else into it.
In the meantime - it's his curio cabinet - he can store what ever he wants in it and you don't have to use it.

I would say thank you. Put your dishes or whatever in it and be grateful. I would love it if my husband did that. Your kids were obviously happy because I am sure they knew you wanted one. The days of matching furniture is long gone. Variety of different pieces is great. Crying over it?
I don't think so unless there is something else going on.

My husband would'n't even acept a FREE china hutch without running it by me first. It's OUR house and OUR money.

I agree with the other posters, you have more issues then your dinig room furniture. If you are literally wearing the same pair of shoes to work every single day and he feels just fine about spending on furniture without talking to you, something is wrong.

weird how many people were projecting their own situations into this one.

I have been in this situation, and I would have cried too. To play devils advocate though, I know I want a fold down secretary desk for the upstairs hall, I can picture it but haven't seen any for sale. and our living room that we don't use has no over head lights and the lamps we have are crappy, but any time we go look to buy new lamps dh picks the most ugly things ever and we fight and leave with out buying them. I don't want to settle for a secretary desk that isn't what I want, and I don't want to have ugly lamps just because he is making a fuss. I don't know why the heck he even cares about lamps. but yet, I could have "something" for the hall and new lamps if I were just willing to shell out the money and settle. I might end up doing that it's been 5 yrs.
so can't help you with your situation because I know in my relationship me listing something he bought back onto craigs list would cause a lot of hurt feeligns and sometimes its easier to just cry and suck it up hating the dang thing that deal with the blowup.

Oy...this is exactly why DH and I don't share money. At all.
Separate incomes, separate accounts.
He is in charge of certain household expenses...I am in charge of others.

And you know what? We've never had a fight about money. Ever.
Food for thought.