Husband So Self Involved

Yes, I had one and then we started marriage couseling. Someone woke up really fast and now he feels bad that he left me alone to take care of everything in addition to managing a business full time. You need to speak up and tell hime how you feel or you will just become more and more resentful. Unfortunately, it is up to you to take the first step to get the marriage back on track. If he acknowledges how you feel and decides not to change, then you can be as angry as you want.
C.

Nothing feels nicer than being appreciated! I am thankful to have a husband who expresses his appreciation for all I do frequently. However, we've been married 21 years and it took a bit of calm discussion initiated by me as to what my needs are (& they are few!), Make a date to go out for coffee or dessert and tell him that you appreciate HIM and how hard he works to provide for you. Then tell him often. If he doesn't get the hint, you need to nicely tell him that you feel a bit unappreciated and that it would be nice to hear it once in a while. Most men realllllly appreciate their wives, but they are clueless that we need to hear it! It's all in the training, my dear :)

You need to take a personal vacation and leave the work to your husband. Then, he will see where you are coming from. Until that happens, you will never get any sympathy.

Mine is not only oblivious, but he believes that if he doesn't SEE it happen, it dosen't happen.

Just as an example... if he does one load of laundry in a week... he has just done ALL the laundry. Regardless of whether or not 3 loads are being done every day. If he comes home and I'm on my computer then I didn't teach school, go on a field trip, do chores, go shopping, meet up for a playdate...nope. Apparently I just sat on my computer all day.

I can't trust him with our son anymore, but back when I did... I'd take one day a week and leave the house in the morning and not come back until after bedtime. That kept him clued in... but I haven't been able to do that for a few years now... so apparently my own life is just imaginary.

I did. I even have my husband tell me I didn't do anything around the house. So I didn't do anything around the house. It was easier because we didn't have kids yet. But I didn't clean, wash dishes, laundry, dinner, you name it, I didn't do it. It was gross, I had to keep myself occupied as to not do these things, but it was worth it. It took less than a week and he realized all I did. We talked about it after and divided up the chores more evenly. You maybe able to just take care of the kids needs and forget your husband's for awhile. Also, men are different. We keep expecting them to realize that we are overworked or burdened, and it just sometimes doesn't work that way. What ever you decide to do, you have to talk to him and be very blunt and straight forward. Sugar coating makes it seem that it's not that bad. In your eyes it's bad, let him know.

I am thinking the help you give to your mom which is outside of your neutral family is probably pushing you over the edge as far as your workload goes. Not to say you shouldn't care for your mom, of course that is wonderful of you!! I am reading and loving the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura, it is really good! Of course I am only on like chapter four, I mean who the heck has time to read!!!LOL Anyway, I think it might make you feel better about all the hard and loving work you do. I got it because the title intrigued me and it has made me love my life, man and kids even more:) I feel you so much on the workload, I have been in an all out war with the laundry for like 5 days now, who knew four people could produce so much laundry?? But you know kid laundry is the worst because it is smaller and there is just so much of it!! Anyway, I digress.... I think we moms are some of the hardest working people on the planet and the job(s) we do is so crucial to our families and often viewed in society as low. Nothing could be farther from the truth, you are doing a great job and your happy home is a testament to it. Hang in there and check out that book if you get a sec. Take care!

No thank God!

Hubby needs a wake up call, have you talked to him? He needs to step up and act like a man, he sounds more like your 3rd child.

I agree with Momma 11. Unless your husband is left to do your daily work, he will never understand how tiring and endless it all is. Go out of town for 2 or 3 days with a friend/friends and see how that works out for him!

Find someone who will take over your shift/shifts for your mother when you are out of town. Best of luck.

They remain oblivious until you give them detailed lists of what they need to do. Never be afraid or hesitate to ask for help. If Hubby helps more he usually gets rewarded better.... that is the best carrot to dangle for him to get the hint.
Everyone craves appreciation for things they do.
Is there anyone else that can help you with your mom? I'm dealing with that myself and I've managed to get that load off of me just recently. It worked wonders for my homelife when I drew a line for my mother.

Expect more of him! Don't accept your role as an overworked mom. Talk to him and let him know!
S. N., MA

Once, I made up a big chore chart for the entire house, put everything and everyone on it, including my husband by asking him which weekly chores he would be the most likely to complete without having to be reminded by me, the CEO of the household. I divided the chores up equally between all. When he is in town, he does his part.

Some men really do need a list. They just don't walk around the house looking at all the work that needs to be done, unless they were raised by a great mom who taught them to pick up after themselves. You could start a chore chart, as that would even help your 12 yr. old SD. You could start a Honey Do Jar....I write 1 item per piece of paper, fold it 1/4's, put it in the jar and when he has some time on the weekend, he'll pull one out and work on it.

But my first husband was a complete slob and we clearly had different tolerance levels for filth and that ended in divorce. There was no willingness with him to compromise and help. I was not about to be his mother the rest of his life.

Also with some men, once you 'do' something once, it will always be yours to do again. So choose wisely what household task you will take on.

You must learn to speak up constructively. Don't nag and whine. Write up a daily list. Show it to him by txting, email, leave it on the kitchen table where he can 'add' what he thinks need to be done as well. I always tell my husband my list of to-do's for the day, and over time he knows my workload and will often say, "Honey, I can tell you will be having a very busy day, it doesn't look like there will be time to make dinner, so let's go out." I would much rather he help cook a little. But I hope you see the point, include him in all that you're up to, put it out there so he can't claim he doesn't know how busy you are.

EDIT - I did what Victoria did with her husband. I went on strike, with Hubby #1. She was smart and took a week off. I just went on strike to see how long it would take him to notice. After he had used up EVERY single dish/pot in the kitchen and ALL paper products did he finally go in to the kitchen and do the dishes. I had a 4-5 month old at the time and was working full time. I agree with Victoria it was gross. But that approach never did much for that relationship. I still recommend a confident approach, with a smile and an all-inclusive, were in this together approach.

My husband claims he gets it but then sits by and watches me do EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. I stay at home with our 3, soon to be 4 kids and work freelance at nights when they are sleeping. I average 3 to 4 hours of sleep a night while my husband works (to his credit a lot of hours) then comes home to dinner on, the house clean, and a wife that takes care of everything so he can sit in front of the boob tube and unwind from his day. Did I mention I do all the household finances too and am 7 months pregnant?

Ok, I am done complaining. Regardless, I think a majority of husbands are like this. I have found that if I just ask, he will help me out, usually without complaint. I still feel like I get the tisk and roll a bit from him but at least he is willing.

In short, he doesn't seem to understand the true exhaustion I feel a majority of my life. It did seem to click for him a few years back when I fell asleep on the road with my 6 year old in the car. He forgot his understanding moment shortly thereafter. I don't get their mind frame either.

Wish I had a better answer for you. Good luck!

men don't get it. 9 timnes out of 10 it has to be spelled out for them. I used to be under the illusion that once you got married, men automatically knew what their roles should be. I was wrong. My husband used to be like yours and sometimes has lapses. I finally realized that I had to make it very clear that I wasn't the maid or a single parent. Just because he worked outside of the house didn't mean that his job ended when he walked through the door. I like the idea of leaving everything undone for a week and see what he thinks then! i explained to my husband that i am on duty 24/7, 365. which means his job doesn't end every day at 5pm and every sat and sun!

I hate to say it but I think most of them are, mine included! LOL

ANy women out there that have a man that helps out are blessed!

Take a break and let him take care of the kids all weekend. That might open his eyes.

Mine didn't get it until I left for a business trip for a week and he had to be in charge of taking care of kids, getting them to and from school, dealing with his disabled mom & sister, and not having a clue where I file important papers.

Just wanted to add my hubby to the list!!! I work FT, commute 75 min each way (4x/week), get home at 7pm, have 3 kids (ages 8, 4, & 1), I cook, do the dishes, take the garbage out, do the laundry, help with homework, give the kids a bath, and TRY to put them to bed by 9pm. One year old still wakes up in the middle of the night and guess who tends to her? Granted he also works FT (on his feet all day), gets home after the kids are asleep and what does he do? Goes straight to his "man cave" and zones out on his Xbox and plays Call of Duty 'til the wee hours of the night. I'm about to explode and he just doesn't get it. He tells me to take a break and relax but how can anyone relax when there's work to be done? Is he going to do it?! I don't think so... Sorry to go off on your post, but you're not alone mama! There's a lot of great advice here. Thanks ladies!

I know you've already gotten plenty of answers, but I wanted to respond anyway. I completely feel your pain and the pain of the other awesome mamas here. I think it is a mixture of men being wired differently, and men being disrespectful and oblivious. I work part time outside of the home, then I am home the rest of the day with my four 1/2 year old and one year old girls. I have made a schedule for myself as to what I will accomplish each day. I prioritize then get to it when my one year old is sleeping in the afternoon. If I don't get everything done, I don't get it done. And while I have to constantly remind my husband for help when I think it should be obvious, he never complains if there are dishes left out. Sometimes he will even wash them. When we have company over he will help with cleaning without asking. When the baby is tired and cranky and I am in the kitchen trying to finish up, he will put her to bed. Maybe not the way I would, but he does it without prompting. He will take the kids for a walk if I seem stressed. He helps clean up after dinner. Not after every meal, but most. Does he veg out in front of the computer when I need help? Yes. But if I ask for it, he will help. It has taken about a year of work for us to get where we are now. Communication is the key. Whether that's sitting down and talking, perhaps more than once about frustrations, or taking a stronger approach by boycotting until he gets it. No one is perfect, and if it takes "nagging" at the hubby or constant reminders and to do lists, isn't that better than just giving up, doing it yourself and resenting him?

Hello MLB, as the mother of 5, special education being a great part of our lives, as well as all the rest my husband was great at helping when he was able to and did it great BUT it wasn't until he started on his life with Cancer and all it meant that he was fully aware of how many hours it takes to get all the loose ends to meet. He knew that I hired a pre-teen to help with small items or with the baby so I could do things, so he figured out that it took much more effort than that. I just have to say that I had no idea of the pressure of his work and the demands of it esp. the concern of what if he lost his job. I know that 12y/o girls( we raised 3 & I gotta say the boys were easier in so many ways)) are an emotional drain and as they are learning about themselves and thebody changes that they are going through is as close as one can get to Hot Flashes as a woman can get w/o having them. For that roller coaster ride & the tearing down of your self esteem; I can only say at some time in the future you will become smart again, she will appreciate your efforts, and as my girls tell me "mom, it's because of the boundries you set that I made it through those years". Don't forget to do something nice for yourself each day/once a week.

They are wired completely different then we are! Pisses me off on occasion but it's the way it is! My husband works outside the home and I'm a full-time mom of a 4-1/2 year old son and 3 year old daughter (plus 3 dogs and a cat)! I take care of EVERYTHING for the household. He feels that working to provide is enough for him!! Amazing to me!!!
If you find a cure, let me know!!!

I think many men (including my sweet, well intentioned hubby) don't really think about how everything gets done....I think they don't mean to be oblivious, they just don't pay attention to details that they don't have anything to do with.

No great advice here, just a sympathetic fellow mom =) If it makes you feel better, ALL my friends are in the same boat.

good luck, and get some rest!!

DEMAND BETTER!!! he is a grown man, not a baby! "wired differently" or not, there is such a thing as EMPATHY that if he doesn't have for his wife whom the hell would he have it for? give him a serious reality check, then it's up to him. clean up after yourself and your kids. it's NOT rocket science!

(and if all else fails, show him these posts!)

HAPPY MAMA = HAPPY FAMILY. duh!!!

good luck mamita!

you have to tell him what you need help with. As much as we would like to think they know what we need.... they don't. I have SK as well and I made a list of what they are responsible for. Do it for the hubby too.
Don't over do it ( learned from experience) cause you will end up resenting the hubby and stepdaughter..

i thought all were oblivious!