Husband Refuses to Wor or Be "The Head of the House"

It is so hard to set boundaries with people you love. Especially where money is concerned. However, it sounds as though your husband has every intention of living off of you and your generosity for as long as you will let him. If he isn't going to be the man of the family, then someone has to, and that someone is you. And since you are now the "man" of the family, then what you say, goes. If you say that his toys get sold to help with bills, then it happens. If you say that there is no more extra spending, then there isn't. If he is not willing to contribute in any significant way (either with a job, or making sure you don't have to lift a finger when you come home), then he shouldn't get to contribute in saying where the money is spent. And him telling you that forcing him to get a job or cutting him off will make him resent YOU? Tough stuff. What about the resentment he is already making YOU feel by putting your family in financial jeopardy? He is being purely selfish, to say nothing of manipulative.

The truth is, there isn't a peaceable way to deal with this problem if he isn't willing to accept any responsibility. If you've made your expectations clear, and he still refuses to do his part, then he is not a contributing member of the family. If you stick to your guns, he might act like a baby for a while, but he'll have one of two choices. He can either do what is required of him, or he can leave. Truthfully, if he is already unwilling to get off his bum, the odds that he will leave you (and thereby have to pay 100% of his own way) are slim. And in the very unlikely event that he does, then you have saved yourself MUCH heartache in the long run. "For better or for worse, for richer or poorer." Sounds to me like he's not holding up his end of the bargain, and that is NOT likely to improve in the event of a sudden inheritance of a lot of money.

One last thing...if he is not willing to get a job, then the toys should go. Period. If our children didn't do their chores and spoke disrespectfully to us, would they get to keep their toys? Certainly not. If he has enough time to play, then he has PLENTY of time to work. Time for him to man up and take care of business.

I do apologize for being so harsh. This kind of touches on a raw nerve for me...I've dealt with this more than once. I know you love him. But if you don't stand your ground, then he will continue to have less and less respect for you, and I maintain that respect, once lost in a marriage, is almost impossible to get back.

Good luck to you. I know this isn't easy.

2 moms found this helpful

I married the same man 16 years ago...and I allowed him to divorce me 14 years ago. Spooky actually...he also had a decent job with his father...that he quit the day before our wedding...and he NEVER worked a day again. My ex took it a small step farther than saying he would resent me if I "made him get a job"...he threatened to divorce me if I made him get a job. Like you, I am a Christian and didn't believe in divorce...and I think he knew that and took advantage. His "I'll divorce you" comment caused me to drop the work argument about once a month...until I couldn't take it any more and drew the line. The next time he threatened to divorce me if I made him get a job, I handed him the paperwork to begin divorce proceedings and asked him to move out of my house. That caused him to backpedal a bit but not enough to save the marriage...he pretended to be trying but when I stood firm on my belief that he had a responsibility to work and provide for me (regardless of how much money I had or made), he eventually walked away and filed those papers.

Pray sweetie, that's the only thing you can do...but don't let him keep manipulating you. In all my praying, God finally showed me that I was helping him to destroy himself by allowing this to continue...that every time I backed down from my insistence that he be the "head of our house", he lost a little more of his confidence and felt like even less of a man than he already did. God finally gave me the strength to love him enough to draw the line...to insist that he become the man he needed to become...and, when my ex decided it was "too much work", it was his decision to end the marriage.

Note that a friend had the same problem and her marriage survived when she drew the line and her husband stepped up to the plate...he is now a very hard working man who has become a strong head of their house and a wonderful father to their children. Put it in God's hands and stand firm with your husband...you are right that he needs to work...more for himself than for you even...but you can't make him do it...and he needs your help to stop avoiding his responsibilities as a man...my ex didn't want to grow up, I'll say a prayer that yours does and just needs a little push!

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Hey T., I have a cousin going through the same thing but her situation is worse she has cancer and her husband is not working and has not worked for a year and a half. He is the same way refuses to work or support her in anyway, he wont even put the kids on the bus while she and her mom is at the hospital. I know she loves him and she is christian too, but I believe God wants you to be happy and he also speaks in his work about a man that don't work is worse than an infidel. I believe these men should be working to help support the household and if it means separation to bring about some appreciation for you and what you are doing it may take that. Pray for my cousin she is suppose to have surgery on Sept 9th 09. Sandra is her name and she is working sick, and worried about her bills and children while she is down after her surgery, without any spousal support.

God bless you in your decision,
G.

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Your hubby is used to being rich, married rich and still thinks he's rich in his mind. Its that simple. He's not poor and doesn't have to live within a budget in his mind. He can and should have whatever toy he wants right now. Fine, then if that's what he wants and believes - you need to get away and put action to what you say you believe - living on what you make and living within your means. However as a last ditch effort if you really do love him, try THE TOTAL MONEY MAKEOVER by Dave Ramsey and get it on dvd for hubby. He can watch it in his spare time. Good luck. Some people take a lot longer to grow up than others.

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Dear T.:

I have been married for 30 years and my hubby recently lost his job of 25 years when his employer filed Chapter 11. First of all, I did not panic as just like you I am the main provider in our home. Years ago we decided to let me pay the bills with what I make and his check goes into savings. We have managed to put 2 daughters through college, give them nice weddings and pay off our home and have no debt. This is what can happen when you work as a team. I was so use to paying all the bills that I am not feeling the lost of his job. On the other hand this has given him the opportunity to go in our garage and start a business which in the past three months has brought in triple what he made working for someone else. I am so gratefull that I am not having to hold his hand. My question to you is what is best for you? By your admission, you can do bad all by yourself. When a man won't be a man, you don't need a little boy. Love is what he is not showing you by not working so learn to love yourself. File for a divorce and make sure you ask that his toys be sold to cover unpaid expenses. You and your father work too hard to let a leech drain you financially and mentally. I would say listen to your inner voice. Should you decide to get a divorse, plan before filing. Have somewhere to go and ask your dad to pay you cash for a while so you can also state you are unemployed that way he can't demand spouse support. Which can be awarded when a spouse can prove that you have been supporting him. Good luck and remember a real man is a real man. Don't settle for just a man but get yourself a just man.

1 mom found this helpful

It has been my observation in 61 years that YOU CAN'T CHANGE PEOPLE. You can lead them to water but you can't make them drink.

You are pretty well off if after all your bills and at the end of the month - you still have $3,000 dollars left - there are people who don't even make that in a month. One reason he may not be working is because he doesn't feel he really HAS TO. If you are paying 90% of the bills, is he paying any of them? Does not sound like it so in essence you are paying 100% of the bills. What IS he doing? He has toys - is that what he is doing? Playing with his toys?

He has it pretty good. He knows that if he sets back, you will inherit a passal of $$$$ and he won't ever have to exert himself. In other words, he feels that he doesn't have to work and it is not important for him to work and you are just a nag. He probably resents the fact that you have decided to not ask your parents for money. As always, there is an equal opposite - because he doesn't work, he has low self-esteem, because he has low self-esteem he doesn't chance looking for a job because if he didn't get it, it would feed the lack of self-esteem.

You didn't say if he has a degree or if he is skilled at something. It has been my experience that people will work if it is something they like to do.

You need to set down and have what one of my friends used to call a "Come to Jesus" meeting with your husband. You need to find some common ground and he needs to understand that this is more important to you than just having a job. That he needs to find something to do so that he can be fulfilled. I don't know how old you guys are or if there are any children involved - but he needs to know that the ball is in his court. That if he wants to risk loosing you and all that he has - cause it sounds as if since you are making the most of the money - the house, the cars & all his toys will be yours & that he better make up with his family - 'cause that will be the only place he can go.

Let him know that you are concerned for his welfare. He sounds depressed also and that is a whole other ball of wax. It is not so much that he needs to become the head of the house - but marriage is equal and right now it is 90-10 and you are carrying all of it.

I don't believe in this head of the house stuff - my Mom & Dad were married for 27 years before she died at 48 - they were equal partners in everything. All decisions were made together. They worked with each other and she led in some things and he led in others. Money was shared even though they both made a salary - it wasn't his N hers it was theres.

I don't know for sure how this will turn out for you & I wish I could say everything will work out - but it may not. Love can not cure everything but it paves the way for a lot of compromise. You will know when he crosses the line and you won't have any trouble deciding that enough is enough. I can tell you one thing - YOU WILL BE OK. Much hope and you will be in my prayers. If you decide on divorce, don't leave him - kick him out. GJK

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T., I am sorry you are having to deal with this. First off, any argument is due to someones needs not being met. Find out exactly what you need from him and let him know. If he steps up and meets your needs, then stay with him. If he doesn't, then you are in essence saying it is ok for him not to meet your needs and why would you do that? Do you feel you are not important? Do you fell you don't deseerve to be treated with love & respect? If you have children, do you want to role model that is okay? Hard decisions, but necessary. Best way to handle this is without emotion. no crying or begging or going through the whole I love you bit. Just sit him down and say, This isn't working for me. These needs of mine are not being met. I am meeting these needs of yours and can no longer do them in good faith that my efforts are going to be reciprocated. Please decide by Friday if you wish to be an equal in this relationship. I need to respect and love myself enough to stop carrying the whole load of our relationship. I am beginning to resent you and I would rather end our relationship now and still have fond memories of our time together than continue and hate you with every fiber of my being. I hope you can understand my position. I NEED an equal partner in all things. I NEED to have some savings to not feel stress. If you do wish to be an equal in this relationship, I really would like to sit down and discuss with you our goals and re-evaluate where we are going. I don't wish to control you or give ultimatums, but I NEED you to meet me somewhere in the middle let me know if you can do that. Then walk away and give him time to decide. You have your plan in place and he will let you know where he is on board with you or not. If he is, then all is well and you guys just had a hiccup. If not, then consider yourself blessed that you haven't let it get ugly and you can begin to take measures to seperate and don't feel as though you have failed. You can only change you and while I believe marriage should be till death do us part, reality is that as people experience life, they change and the person you committed to has responsibilities to the marriage as well. If they break the contract, it is in no way a reflection on you. It is traumatic in that a trusted bond has been broken, but better the bond than you or your spirit. Keep your chin up and keep your faith and best of luck. Hope this helps you see the situationin a different light and him as well.

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My husband got laid off June 3rd.(This is abt the 8th or 9th in a 30 yr period.)He still hasn't found a job, same reason you gave. Over qualified or not his expertise. We too are living off savings. I ask my husband every Friday how the job hunt goes. Asking every day is a nag. He also plays a game on line called "2nd life". Real American dollars for vitual land/boats/houses/ect. I don't understand it either. I think the money he spends on the game is a waste. But I let him. I suggest backing off, don't be a nag. Support him, one day at a time. God allows things to happen. Why??? Me? I'm 50, been married to the same man 31yrs. & now lay offs are expected.

To put if frankly, you husband is NOT A MAN. I am sorry, but you probably saw warning signs before marrying him. I believe from what you said that he is enjoying his toys and his 'free ride'. I personally would get out now while you only have 4 years invested. You are fortunate to have your family close, and I am sure they are more than willing to help. Don't let him toxify your whole famliy. Cut your losses. Just my opinion, I cannot stand a lazy person, especially when he is supposed to be the provider!

Hi T.,

I read most of the responses and I kept coming back in my mind to the same thing to say. I am a believer and as a believer the first thing that my heart says is to pray first, ask for discernment and wisdom. Then go back, back track where this all began, if this has been going on from the begining since you two married, I think you will find your answer. If not and he changed after for example when the falling out with a job, or family member then I think you will know the next step. Pray before you talk with your husband, making him choose between material things or your relationship is not the answer right now. Thats obvious. He has already set that pattern. Whats not is what is going on inside of him right now. Confusion, Doubt, Depression, and believe it or not loneliness. Your marriage is still new and most men feel a strong sense of responsiblity when coming out and doubt can creep in and fear will take hold. A lot of pressure. Pray for your husband it will not hurt him, it will make you stronger and leave the rest in Gods hands. If you two are meant to stay together it will happen and if not. Well you know the answer to that too. Have hope. Pray continously and trust God with your husband.
Sincerly,
Mrs. C

This is a hard situation. You need to realize that you CAN'T make him change. He has to want to, and from what you have said, he doesn't. Why should he? He gets to have his freedom, not work, and yet the bills get paid. He has food on the table. Toys in the garage. This sounds cruel, but he knows eventually, that if he puts up with your griping, that check will come. Sweetie, you have got to cut him loose. You need someone who loves you for you, not for your family's money. And that's what this sounds like. I don't believe divorce should be like changing your clothes, but this has been 2 years of chances for him to man up. It's obvious he's not going to. Time to move on.

Leave him and do not look back, because if he loved you things would not be like this. I am also from a wealthy family and for some reason some spouses thinks the parents money should be theirs also. You would be better off without him, and find someone that loves you and not the money.

Kick the bum to the curb.

Dear T.,
I know how you feel, I'm in the same situation, he's been out of work for 2 months and it's driving me insane. He has quit 2 jobs because he didn't like them. He worked for 27 yrs. as a supervisor then a manager for a steel rule co. the co. shut down, he got a pretty good chunk of money, but he said that would be out life savings for when we retire, I'm a nurse and make pretty decent money, but we have been getting from our retiring money for stuff that I can't pay with checks. I told him that he needs to get a job cause I'm not going to be supporting him and to stop getting money from our svgs. or he can take his svgs. and leave. We have been married for 30 yrs. in Dec. so he's making applications. I pray everyday he finds something I don't want to lose my husband but I don't want to support him either. Good Luck

I think it is time for an ultimatum. tell him find something to do, like own his own business and you will support that decision or a separation(let him find out how much he misses you)you are supporting him like he was living with his parents. and not being responsible for it. Leave the kids with him(you don't say if you have any). He sounds like he is trying to make you feel guilty for him playing around. make him get a job. He should be the one feeling guilty.

WOW---sounds like he's a winner. GET OUT! I hope you don't have any children, but even if you did, you would need to get out anyway! Sell his toys before you talk to him about separating. He should have no reason to "resent you"! You will feel resentment if you continue to live as you are--supporting him. He is not being a man--if he wanted a job, he would sacrifice working anywhere! Good luck!

Being responsible for your happiness and mental health is the most important thing right now. This is unhealthy and your lazy husband needs to go because he is using you and planning to live on your money and future inheritance. You will end up broke after he uses up all your money. You are a strong woman and going through a divorce is tough but you can make it. And taking care of you and saying goodbye to a leech does NOT make you any less of a Christian woman. I left my husband of 10 years after he lost his job and refused to get back on his feet. We are now both better off. I wish you luck and suggest you get your financial affairs in order and ask your father for suggestions on how to proceed so that you are protected. Good luck to you.

You deserve better....tell him you want a divorce. You never know that really may make it take stock of what's important in his life.

good luck,
d

He needs to man up or you need to leave. End of story. He is mooching off of you because you let him.

You cannot help someone if they do not help themself.

He is not helping himself and nor does he want to.

I suggest separating and do not give him any money. Let him take his toys and try to live it out.

While you are separated, I would try to go get counseling. I have a wonderful man that my husband and I see from time to time when we have hit a bump in the road. If he is still not changing his tune, say goodbye.

I am so sorry you have to go through this.

This is a link to our counselor: eugenewebb.com

Dear T.,

To give you biblical advice I need to know a little more. You didn't mention whether or not he is soundly saved. 1 Corinthians 7 talks about marriage and divorce but I can't make proper biblical application to your situation without knowing more about your husbands spiritual state. However, Paul says in 1 Timothy 5:8 If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. This particular passage in context doesn't mention if divorce is acceptable in that situation. If he is a believer though, he could be a target for church discipline, if your church practices it. You should listen to John MacArthur's Divorce Dilemma http://www.gty.org/Resources/Sermon+Series/92. Or read the book by the same title. The audio files are free but the book is not.

Another thing you might consider is that this is a time of testing for you (search http://www.gty.org/Resources/Sermons for trials). Whatever the case may be you could always give him the gospel continually and see what happens or send him to www.tenandwin.com (ends 10/25/09). If he asks for the divorce and he's an unbeliever then at least you can legitimately get remarried.

I sincerely hope you find this helpful.
K.

You need to listen to your parents. You are married to a leach. He will bleed you dry and is probably waiting for your inheritance. If he hasn't worked steadily in 2 years the likelihood is slim to none that he will in the future. I hope you are not considering having children with this dead beat. Past behaviour is a pretty good indication of future behaviour. Kiss the bum to the curb.

L.

It sounds as if your husband is in great denial about his need for psychological help. He seems to have trouble getting along with people at work( his Dad), or in potential work situations. He won't work with you as a partner in a marriage should. If he continues to refuse to get any kind of therapy, and there are many kinds to choose from, I would advise you to leave him. Would he go to therapy groups at your church? Would he consider alternative types of therapy, such as re-evaluation co-counseling? Would he go to marriage counseling, or individual counseling? He is not a very good example to your children as he is now. I would talk to him and explain that you can't continue living the way you are and that because he refuses to compromise in any way to help your financial situation, you want to separate from him. You should also consider asking your Dad for a temporary loan to help with expenses until things even out for you. Wait until your husband is living separately to do this because otherwise, your husband will see no reason to work. I am sorry that things have gotten so bad, but there is always a solution to every problem. J. K.

He obviously needs an attention getter....Take a "time out." Let him know that he will be on his own to help him figure out his priorities. You will become resentful of taking care of him completely considering there's nothing physically wrong with him. There is obviously some mental thing going or he is just loving the good life you have provided. CB

He sounds like he's mooching...divorce him. It's probably the only way he'll wake up.

I would go talk to a lawyer about how to protect yourself and your portion of what assets you own. Then I would sit my husband down for a talk, tell him I'd been to a lawyer and if things don't change then I'm going to file for divorce. Don't issue and ultimatum unless you are going to follow through, otherwise the words are meaningless and he won't ever follow through. I believe in G-d, but I also believe that G-d wants His children to be happy. We as His children make mistakes but He wants us to learn from those mistakes and make our lives better. Good luck to you.

Even as a Christian woman, you have to see that he is not living up to his vows of being the head of the house. I'm so sorry for your situation. Sounds like you have no choice. You have so much maturity in your outlook on finances. Pray that you find a man who agrees with you.

T.
You have gotten a lot og great advice. I have known people in this situation and all have gotten divorced. I know that as a Christian we are taught that divorce is wrong, but so is not taking care of your family. My best advice is for both you and your parent's as there is an inheritance involved. You should both find a good lawyer and speak to them about setting a trust up to protect your inheritance. I don't have this issue with my husband but my parent's have set up their estate so that it goes only to me and my brother- no spouses. If something were to happen to me or my brother it then goes to our children with a non-related trustee. This ensures that the money/property stay in the family and go to the benefit of their children and grandchildren. You husband is showing that he has no respect for you or the vows that were exchanged on your wedding day. He knows that he can continue to take advantage of you and your family. If I were in the same situation I definatly would be talking to an attorney.

T., you answered your own question and deep down you know exactly what to do to get the results you seek. From experience I'll tell you that what ever you allow will occur and 2 years without a job is more than enough. As for the business starting venture, it takes money to make money so I don't see that option as feasible with him not even being able to pony up 10% of the bills. One more thing, the beginning of a relationship and or marriage dictates the end of that relationship or marriage and I'm sensing that although he's been out of work for 2 years, this isn't a new pattern for your husband (as far as the bills are concerned). Good luck!

T., what you need to focus on here is what makes YOU happy. If YOU want counseling, go by yourself. It's important that you are happy irrespective of him. If that means leaving him, then you know what to do, because you can still be happy. You can't just wait around for him to do what he needs, you need to do what's best for you and stop waiting for him to change. What you need to ask is what are my limits? What can I handle? and you'll know what's right for you.

T.,
First of all you never mentioned kids in this situation. Are there any? I don't believe in divorce for many reasons as well. But I do believe in straightening out your marriage, and unfortunetly sometimes that calls for seperation. Maybe if you do leave him he will understand that he can't keep talking about a job.. but needs to get one.
God Bless.

He has found a sugar moma in you and does need to have it on his own. He will most likely go to someone else fast. This is something that does need to be addressed now, not later. Go to a lawyer and set a will into place that will make it so he does not recieve any of your monies now or later. See if that effects his decision as to work and to getting a job.Oh and how long he sticks around.

WOW...reading your story is like a looking at my life. Except maybe the well off part. But I do make very decent money for never going to college (which I am doing now at 37). I have just had to work hard which I do not mind. Anyways, about 2 years ago I was in the same boat. My husband was out of work and would not be a man and step up to the plate and look for a job. I know that he was going thru some personnel issues but I don't think that it makes up for providing for your family. Like you, my family who are also strong Christians, wanted me to get a divorce and they don't believe in it. Of course, I couldn't picture my life with out him and I do love him. After a year and half of him being out of work, I finally came to my senses and gave him an ultimatum and told him that he had six months to get a job or get out. Guess what he had a job in 4 months. You have to remember that then it is his decision. If it makes him resentful then that is his own problem. Not having a job and providing for your family is not an option. A marriage is to be a partnership not one person doing everything. I know that this is very blunt but after time you do start realizing what is important in life.

Hi T.---

As a Christian Woman with christian values--seek GODS advice and HIS will for your life. His ways are not the ways of the world and all the worldly advice will never measure up to the best he has for your life. Do not be intimidated by your husband reagarding money, wealth or anything else he might through up in your face. Some things can not be fixed. See you think your husand can do better--does he?

Pray-pray-pray

May God clearly show you the door or shut the window--

God Bless you--K.

I was married to a man like this. I felt as though he was waiting for that cash to come in and we could make it on what I made until then. We were married for 15 years. I left after my son was born. Don't laugh here, but it was watching Dr. Phil on Oprah on my maternity leave that empowered me to do it! I just didn't think it would be a good environment for my son to grow up in and I needed to do what was right for ME and my son. What about you? He has you worried about him resenting you. He doesn't seem to care that you might resent him! You deserve to be happy. It will grow and fester if he refuses to help himself. Maybe kicking him out will make it real to him. Maybe not, like my ex. I am now married to a wonderful man. I do feel sad about all the years I wasted in that marriage but it was worth it to get where I am now--I have a wonderful son from that relationship and I new husband and daughter who show me what a family really is all about. I can't tell you how free I felt and regained who I really was the day my divorce from him was final.
My biggest fear was failure. I do not see it that way now. I learned from it and moved on. Of course, only you know what is right for you but I think you know what that is already. Be strong.

Do you have children? Honestly, if the situation is as you describe, I would think hard about whether this is the person you want to make a life with. This isn't the kind of behavior that indicates he'll be willing to shoulder the responsibilities of fatherhood, if that's something you're planning for. He sounds perfectly contented to live off of you and the possibility of a future inheritance. Texas is a community property state, which means that, should you divorce at that time, you'd give up considerable funds to a husband that hasn't made anything like a reasonable contribution to maintaining your home and your life together, assuming he doesn't change. Marriage is, among other things, a contract about how you live your lives together, as a team - spirtually, physically and, not unimportant at all, financially. I would think very logically about your situation, decide how to have a clear talk with your husband and consider a trial separation, making your concerns very clear. A real decision on your part, and some time on his own having to fend for himself, might be just the kind of clarity he needs.

A Christian or not, this man obviously has no respect for you, nor will he ever. He is wanting your parents to pick up the slack so he doesn't have to. He will never change. No matter how much he throws a fit like a 2 yr old, sell the toys. You can't afford them. Take that money and put it to good use, like a lawyer for a divorce. He is a loser, dump him as fast as you can. You can try counseling, but it won't help if you are in a one-sided relationship. Been there.

T.

T.,

I can understand your frustration, how does he have all these toys? You have "let" him buy them without working for them. You do not say if your husband is a Christian, but the bible clearly teaches that a man is to take care of his family. It also says that if a man doesn't work he shouldn't eat. I would suggest saying, "since I am making 90% of the money, I am in charge of the bills until you start contributing to our family". I would then not allow him to buy anything that was not a necessity. This maybe hard, but I would explain that this is a requirement if he is interested in continuing a marriage.

If he will not go to a counselor than you may have to take such drastic measures.

Hi T.,

First let me tell you that I think that every person tolerates and can live with different situations, so what might work for you may not work for me.

What really matters is if you are happy or not.

Said that, you have to really think how you fell about this and what you think about it. Clearly the situation you are living you do not like and the one that may become resentful of your husband is you.

Maybe he is just a little too comfortable and know you love you him enough to not leave him and do whatever he wants.

Personally your situation would not work at all for me, specially since a big part of me needs to look up and admire my husband, my partner. I wouldn't like at all someone that is living off me and that is maybe just waiting for the money I will.... someday... receive.

I do have another thought and is.... I always thought that my father would inherite me... always thought that someday I would have all this money.... Well my father died and he did not leave me almost anything! It was his choice and his money.... you can never be sure that your parents will leave everything to you... so if your husband is with you for the money that one day you will have he may be in for a big surprise!

The thing is this, sometimes parents do not agree with your life choices and to "protect you" make other arrangements, and also remember that you have more tolerance to any situation because you love your husband but the people around you that sees it and dissapprove of it do not.

I know a couple that the wife is the one that is always supporting her husband, in every way but particularly with everything related to money... I used to critize her in my mind a lot... but then I realized that she was happy, she didn't mind and whenever she was with him she could not take her eyes off him and had the biggest smile. Clearly she never complained about the particular arrangement, it was not an issue... I have not seen them in years, so I do not know if they are still together and if she is still happy having to pay for everything.

There are so many escenarios and different relationships, I can think of so many things! but some of them are not pretty and may not even apply to you.

Now I will try to say things to make you think.

How do you feel but I mean really really feel?
Do you think you are growing resentful?
Are you happy?
Besides the not working of your husband in general is he a good husband?
Does he treats you as you like to be treated?
Is he considerate to you and your needs?
Why does he needs so many "toys"?
Taking the money out of consideration do you like your relationship?
Do you care more of what other people think of you than what you think of yourself?
If you are considering leaving him, you have not done so because you are afraid?
Are you looking for a particular response?
Do you want people to tell you that is ok to leave your marriage/husband?

I will say again that I think that the most important is what you feel, if you are not happy and you want to be happy, you may have to do difficult things to achieve it.

Then if you are happy, no matter what other people think then you do not have to change anything.

And last... divorce is a difficult /sad thing and time, but sometimes is necessary and after a while you are happy again and able to do a lot of things... you grow up a lot and you discover a lot of things, good things of yourself. In time difficult times make you so much stronger, so much happier and so much wiser.

I hope that your life takes the turn that you are looking for, that you find peace, love and happiness in whatever you decide to do.

I tried not to be judgmental and to give you some food for though. Hope it helps.

If he were looking for a job and having a hard time finding one, I'd say give him some time. He isn't. He quit a perfectly good job due to conflicts despite how it would affect his family. He won't help himself let alone his family, he won't get counseling. He has "TOYS!" Who bought these? Was this your money or his money? I hate to say it but this man is a loser. He won't change. You deserve so much better and are depriving yourself of what you deserve.

Listen to your parents who love you the most! If he won't get counseling, you should just go yourself and maybe find out why you love a man who does nothing for you or your family. He is irresponsible and is using you. Kick him to the curb!!

****Also, when you do inherit your parents hard earned money and this man is still around, say goodbye to the money and fast. It'll be gone before you know it. Then if he divorces you, he's entitled to half. Don't squander your hard earned money on a good for nothing bum.

Love is responsibility. He can say he loves you all he wants but he isn't showing it.

First of all, T., look at these three statements..select what you feel in your heart...in this situation,
CHANGE IT
ACCEPT IT OR
LEAVE IT...
Can you change it,,,can you accept living like this,,,then leave it.......
Begin again, don't be ashamed or afraid. Sounds like you have a very immature user on your hands. You didn't mention if you had children, but then again, you have one adult child who needs to grow up. Waiting on your dad's money is a user's goal..Pray hard about it. Do not let others tell you what to do.. As a Christian who had two preteen children, I had to wake up and realize that I was destroying three lives at the expense of my staying, and, no, I fought divorce issues also since I came from many divorces in my family background. Seek God and His word, just say God,,,I need to hear from you...Thank others for their help, but just tune in Big Time to Him. Before children are brought into your hubby's toy world. I had a "toy world" husband, too. Let me know, I care. Please, look at this thought, Is your husband depressed, on drugs, alcohol, anything that would lead him to his behavior, if so, get him help.

He is using emotional blackmail to try and manipulate you. Did he buy those toys with his own money? If not, if they were bought with even a part of your money you should sell them yourself. Make your point known - you will refuse to be blackmailed over this.

He knows your stance as a Christian and he is using it to his advantage as well. He has his cake and he's eating it too, without working for it one little bit.

He is behaving like a spoilt child, so I would treat him as a spoilt child, and tough if he resents you. He needs to get over himself. If he won't get a job, don't pay any of his bills, don't take him out to dinner, don't do anything - it sounds horrible, but he needs to pull his weight too. You can't be an enabler.

I think the opinion of one of the posters is correct - he knows in the back of his mind that your dad is rich and will come to the rescue if need be, or knows you will inherit. I would certainly make sure your assets are protected.

Ask yourself one question--am I better with him or without him. Also if he won't go to counseling-go without him. This will give you clarity about the situation and help you make the best decision for you. Good luck. You are in my prayers.

T. I agree with your parents & these other ladies.
My first thought was.....he knows your father is wealthy & it sounds like he knows deep down they will pick up the slack if need be. If he wont work now he sure won't work when the day comes you get your inheritance & will probably drain you dry of that very quickly. You need to be sure he cannot legally get his hands on your inheritance if you were to divorce after that come comes. In my opinion, flipping burgers is better than nothing & surely he can get a job doing that. After all min. wage is 7.25 an hour & that would pick up the other 10% you need to pay your bills.
Im sorrowful for you that you're pulling all the weight, it must be mentally draining!
Sometimes even though we love someone, that person we love isn't good for us.
You im sure have put much thought & prayer into this.
And the remark, You will make him resent you! HA! Is he on a pedestal? Sounds like he has a nice cozy laid back life & doesn't want to change. But yey wants to make you feel guilty for insisting that he work & make a living or a partial living for his family. That is not good! He needs to take the blame & put it where it belongs...on him.
I don't intend to sound mean, but I think he is laid back & loving it while you bring in the money.
Best wishes to you!

He sounds like whatever the equivalent of a "Gold Digger" is for a man! He's just waiting for your parents to leave you that inheritance. And then, he still won't work - he'll just spend THEIR hard-earned money!

He's doing **NOTHING** to help out your household when your household is in need. Do you really expect him do anything to help when "life is good"?

You say you love him... do you love your parents, too?

T. - You my friend need to clean house. First, file for a legal separation, this will let him know that you are serious. Move out. Tell him since he doesn't want to be married, which he doesn't since he isn't contributing to the marriage, that you are giving him his freedom. If he says that he does want the marriage, which I'm sure he does because lets face it, you are the gravy train, tell him he needs to go to counseling with you. DON'T MOVE BACK IN. He needs to prove that he is serious. Through counseling you can let him know what you expect in the marriage. His working and contributing to the household in a productive and meaningful way.

Right now, he is acting like a spoiled little boy. Has he ever been held accountable for anything? It appears not. I know you say you love him but I wonder how could you love someone who would treat you in this manner? In addition, his statement saying that if you force him to get a job or sell his toys would make him resent YOU is beyond stupid. What does he think he is doing to you?

I know there are several responses on here saying love him as he is, accept him, submit to him etc. I don't buy any of that. Marriage is hard enough when two people are working on it but it is impossible to work on a marriage when one partner is a user and yours is. This isn't about love or money, this is about control. He wants the control without the responsibility.

Good luck to you T.. Remember, this isn't about you, its about him.

I agree with Suezette C. God is the only One who can change your situation. Praying for your husband daily is essential but be sure to ask The Lord to make him into the man He wants him to be. There could be all sorts of issues going on with him that he isn't sharing with you. Also pray for yourself so that you will be equipped to handle things properly on your end. It will also be helpful to you to find scripture(s) that you can give you encouragement, strength, peace, hope and guidance. You have plenty to choose from! Phil. 4:6 & Phil. 3:13 are just a couple that have sustained me on many occasions. Just trust God and be patient!

Hello T.,
Bless you in your situation. Please do not take this as harsh because it is not intended to be that way.
First and foremost you should pray for his salvation. A man who is in Christ will want to provide for his family. If he is not saved then you guys are not "equally yoked" according to the scriptures.
You say you are a christian woman- search the scriptures about what God says the role of the husband should be......and you are not to be unequally yoked- meaning your spouse should assume his responsibility for being head of the household.......so if you are not equally yoked according to the scriptures you should accept your parents advice . The scriptures also state that if a man does not work he does not eat....it is not your place to support him if he is able to work. If you leave him and he does not recognize what he has lost then you have lost nothing. But if you do leave him and he has to fend for himself he may realize what a treasure he has in you.
Since he has refused counseling and he apparently has no interest in becoming the head of the household then I think you should consider leaving. Most people with the mind set that "they don;t need help" are the ones who need it the most and often it takes a "trauma" in their lives to shake them into reality. As long as you are supporting him and all his fancy ways he will continue to feed off you- eventually you will be not only financially drained but emotionally drained and your marriage will ultimately be destroyed in the end....He should decide which is more important to him- you and your marriage or all his free time to play with his toys.
Just pray for the right solution and I am sure God will answer your prayers.....
Blessings

the econemy is very tough right now. i would not leave him over money. i would how ever try to move. find some where cheaper to live. also i would see if you could get a raise. if your paying 90% whats another ten percent. i think of your situation as richer or poorer. compare it to sicker and in health. if your husband wasnt physically able to work (yes he would get a disability check ) but would you leave him? your husband isnt mentaly able to work. its still a sickness. i think this because of his unwillingness to sell any of the cars and other toys. something is off with him and needs to be addressed weather he wants it or not. is he aware of the numbers,lack of funds, stress your having. I also recomend Dave Ramsey. *This is my opnion I dont need to hear from other mommas " how could you say". T. M take this for what it is...one womans "the hard way" advice. Best of luck and God bless your marriage.

T., I havn't read all of your responses so forgive me if I am repeating. I'm sure you have already received alot of great advice.

I was married for 15 yrs. We had lots of problems from get go, from infedelity to finances you name it. We both worked, but the money I made was our money and the money he made was his. He never paid a bill. I tried seperation but that didn't work at all. He just wouldn't pay bills and absolutely refused to help himself. His solution was to find another woman to move in and take over in my place. I loved him very much but just couldn't take it anymore. My family is like yours. They are very well off and wanted to help me but like you I wanted to stand on my own two feet. They saw things from the outside and they were right. After adopting my son, I gained the courage to stop the madness. I didn't want my son growing up in a bad atmosphere. I'm now divorced and thought I would never be happy again. But guess what? I am so happy it's not even funny. My bills are paid and on time. I have money in the bank. Not alot but it's growing and I'm proud of myself. As for my Ex, he is now living with yet another woman & she is paying all of the bills & taking care of him. All I can say is good luck to her. He will break her too.

Ask yourself some hard questions & look at the big picture. Where do you see yourself in 6 months, 1 year, 5 years. If you stay do you see things changing? I doubt it will change unfortunately, however I don't know your entire situation. It sounds like your husband is selfish & has no consideration for his family, only his needs. What would he do if he found out that your family dis-inherited you & you lost your job? Do you think he would stick around and find a job then to take care of you or would he be pushing you out the door to find a job so you could take care of him?

I hope you find some resolution because you deserve to be happy. Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the emotional needs questionair. Answer one as if you were your husband & then answer the other for yourself. You will be amazed at what you see. All the best & if I can help in anyway, please let me know.

God Bless

Wow. You are in a tough situation. But, my advice would be not to leave him over money even though that is extremely stressful. He may be depressed and he won't get help no matter how much you plead. But, do keep reasoning with him in a calm and not nagging matter. I would first put it to prayer and say nothing to him at all. Start cooking beans and cheap food to help cut down on costs. Cut costs wherever you can. You may have to borrow some money for certain things. I HIGHLY recommend to you the book Created To Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl (found at nogreaterjoy.org). Get it and ship to yourself ASAP. I too deal with a husband who is chronically depressed and he does receive help most of the time. Fortunately, he has not quit his job yet. But, we have many other issues that I have to deal with. It has been very hard for me and I still struggle with multiple battles. But, as for now, I don't regret staying with him. (I have my days though). This is something you can overcome, accept, and choose to be happy with. Sounds strange? But, it's true. Don't give up on God. He is more powerful than your husband's issues. He will give you the grace you need. Please read this book. I don't agree with every dotted i, but she gives amazing advice that is so worth the try. My advice to you at this point would be to lower your standard of living in order to stay with him. He will hopefully get the picture. If not, you will doing what is right in God's eyes and in the end, you will reap the benefits. Most of the time we don't have to wait that long to reap those benefits. I'll bet your husband will snap out of it - or leave you. But, you will have done your best to make the situation work. Go have a good cry, then shake it off. Chin up. Pray hard. Make the necessary financial changes. Do your absolute best to smile and show respect (though undeserved) and love to your hubby. You may just shock him into reality with your change in attitude. I feel for you and understand your dilemma.

Well enough is enough! I know you say you love him, but seems like he knows you do and is taking advantage of your love and kindness and going over your boundaries. This is just stressing you out, and you already seem to have made an effort to help him. He is not your child, so you don't have to put up with his pickiness of finding a job. I hope he at least cleans up the house and cooks breakfast and dinner when he isn't working.

Just follow your gut instincts and not your heart. It's time he gets off his high horse and look for a job or sell some of his assets to help you out. Don't be so nice to men.

You said: "I love him very much..."

Are you intending to divorce the person you are in love with?

I do believe that if someone truly loves someone else, then they will not be happy without that person in their life. You very well may have a disfunctional relationship with him. However, I am not convinced that divorcing him will result in you being happy, if in fact you still love him currently.

Working for family can be dibilitating to some people - and depending on the conflicts that took place between your husband and his father - your husbands ego and self-esteem could have suffered. Based on your information it sounds as if your husband may be depressed.

Counseling may be a good idea - but you are not going to be able to force him to go. He does not think he has a problem or issues that need to be addressed and you are not going to force him to realize that. However, counseling for you may be beneficial and help you decide what you need to do and what is right for you.

Your husband is playing mental games with you by threatening to resent you, etc. Don't let him win....talk to someone for yourself and make a decision based things you learn about yourself.

I am sorry but there is something seriously wrong with a man who refuses to provide for his family and depends on others. Your husband is just making excuses and is probably just thinking your father is wealthy and at the end your father will bail you out. I have a daughter who will inherit a large sum of money and an estate and I have noticed some of the same things happening with her. Her husband makes comments about "when we get the money" well it is not "we" it is "her". She is starting to resent him for this and you will as well as I think you already are since your are asking advise. Your husband does need counseling and it is not for people who can't help themselves it is sometimes there to guide people in the right direction and find out why they do what they do. I have to agree with a few and I would probably file for a divorce. I am not saying you have to go through with it but maybe that is the only way to wake him up and if it doesn't wake him up, you don't need him. You were not put on this earth to raise him but to share your life with him and work together and it seems this certainly isn't happening. I would sit him down and tell him either get out and get a job or get out. You might want to seperate for a while and let him see what life is without you. I can certainly understand if he just lost his job but it has been 2 years. He can flip burgers for that matter or anything to help his family. Your husband is lazy and appears spoiled. Get rid of the toys. He doesn't need them and if that is what is holding your marriage together then you definitely don't need him. I know this is harsh and I feel for you, but you need to get on with your life so you can enjoy it.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this!! I agree with your parents - you need to get rid of him. This isn't about money - it's about respect for you, and himself. He doesn't have any for either one of you! I also stand to inherit someday (not soon, I hope!) but my husband is now working time and a half so I can stay home with our son. We do not make a lot of money and are struggling, but we also want to do it on our own. In the 12 years we have been together, the only time we have taken money was for a down payment on our house and we are slowly paying that back. You and your husband do not seem to share the same values or goals or drive to succeed. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that's anything that can be fixed in him. Counseling to guide you in your decision might be a good idea, but it won't do him any good unless he wants to change. Clearly he does not.

Listen to your parents, you could do bad all by yourself.

I'm sorry I didn't have time to read all the responses, but I just wanted to chime in (at the risk of being repetitive) and say that it is possible your husband is depressed, and if he won't see a counselor, ask if he will see his regular family physician and talk to him about everything that is going on. He may just need a temporary course of anti-depressants to pull him out of this 'funk.' Depression can be very crippling, and your husband has a lot to be depressed about right now...I'm sure he is feeling like a failure. If he won't help himself, then I'm afraid the last couple of posters are correct...you have to take care of YOU. Perhaps an ultimatum is what he needs to get his act together. He may be scared b/c it sounds like he has never really stood on his own two feet. He may need a shove to get there. Good luck!

T., I think your last sentence says it all. I'm not an advocate of divorce, except when it's absolutely warranted, but perhaps a separation is in order. There's no sooner way for him to become 'head of HIS household' until he HAS to do it. You'll find out pretty quick whether he'll sink or swim. Marriage is a partnership, and I honestly think if he really cared about your marriage he would be making every effort to contribute. I'm sorry, but he hasn't worked in 2 years??? That's way too long.

If you decide to separate, I would take steps prior to telling him to protect your financial affairs.

Best of luck and keep us posted.

I too, being a Christian, divorce is not an option for a money issue!!! However, I don't know what to do to fix it! Sounds like he does need help!! What man doesn't want to work to support his family? I hope it gets better soon for you guys!! Hang in there!

You got a lot of advice, but i wanted to give mine as well. I too am a strong Christian, and believe in my vows. I was divorced once, and am determined not to walk away from this marriage. i am newly but unhappily married. I left the first marriage just because I was unhappy, I don't want to do that again. But all that said, I do think that you should think seriously about leaving your marriage. For a man not to be willing to work and support his family, whether the income is needed or not, he should still work. ( Full time! not part time) I honor and respect you for not wanting to take advantage of your parents, But your husband is taking advantage of you!and your parents! I believe that he is waiting for that inheritance, then he might divorce you for half, or worse could possibly turn out to be one of those heartless individuals who won't settle for half! If you have children they deserve a better role model. divorce him and make him find another sugar momma, or fend for himself. You deserve more respect, and an equal partner. I don't think it should have anything to do with how much either of you make, but he should work a full time job to contribute! Cut him off! make him sell his toys that you probably bought with money you earned anyway! Or better yet leave him altogether. That's not a husband you have there, it's is a dependent child. You deserve more. I can't believe that this is what God's will for your life would be. Pray for guidance. God bless!

I have to agree with Caroline on this one. Kick him to the curb! It sounds like he is using you and he obviously has no intentions of changing. Don't let this bum drag you down financially and emotionally with him. I know it sounds harsh but he needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself and be a man and support his family!!! I'd also sell his precious toys!!!

I'm so sorry you are facing this. I know it must be eating you up. I thought this book may be helpful - Love Must Be Tough by Dr. Dobson. I know you don't want to divorce, and I stand with you on that. But 'being nice' and carrying it all isn't really helping either of you. If the shoe were on the other foot, and he was the provider for the family and you were just using his money and then some to play all day, I think it would be reasonable for him to ask you to make different choices for the benefit of the family.

Hope this helps-
A.

This is gonna sound backward, but start with yourself. Whatever happens with him, you need to be at peace with it. Start now. Get yourself into counseling with that as a goal (how to live with a husband like yours). Let him know that you are working on yourself, learning how to live peacefully with his decisions (whether or not it's with him--don't tell him that part). Chances are, the counselor will want to get his perspective, but it's about you, not him (seriously...and wink, wink). As he talks with the counselor, maybe he gets a little help, too. You win all the way around, because however it goes, you'll be able to accept it.

Also, that "head of the house" thing--he'll run from that. Maybe he doesn't want that pressure of your expectation for him to carry that load. Is that a role that he signed on for when he married you?