Husband and I Not in Agreement About Having Another Child

Talk talk talk talk talk, a lot about it.
You may fight, you may cry, but it you feel strongly about it it'll be worth it.

If you are on birth control, let him know you are getting off.

we were going to have one then decided, she needed someone else to complain to about us when we were old and annoying! The second has been here for 3 months and we are very glad we decided to have two. I wish you all the luck.

There's no guarantee siblings will get along.
It's true some are life long friends, but it's also true some are life long enemies.
My husband is an only child and he loves it.
Our son is an only child and he has never wanted to share me with anyone except Daddy (and when he was 3 he didn't even want to share me that much).
I have a younger sister who's been nothing but a constant pain in the behind to everyone her whole life - the hair pulling, the bickering, the quit-kicking-my-bike-or-I'll-knock-you down-and-sit-on-you outright brawling.
I always WISHED I was an only child but my Mom didn't want me to be lonely.
(Thanks a lot, Mom - my scalp is permanently desensitized from all the hair pulled out of it over the years.)
Being an only child is great!
You never have to worry about splitting time/attention/resources.
My son has lot's of friends and those with brothers and sisters really envy our son's playroom.
If you still feel sad, consider getting a dog.

I was in a similar situation but it was between having 2 or 3. We originally said we'd have 4. Once we had our second, my husband said he was done. I gave it time, hoping he would come around. When my second baby turned 3, I starting worrying that he'd never come around. I told him that I would regret not having another baby for the rest of my life, but he would never regret having another baby. I also cried a lot during these conversations which I think really made him realize that it wasn't a passing fancy. Now our 3rd child is 2 yrs old, and my husband tells me all the time that he can't imagine our lives without him. He is now definitely done and I agree. My pregnancy the last time had a lot of complications, so I don't want to chance it. I'm content with 3, where I would not have been with 2. Best wishes!

Have you stated your feelings/thoughts to DH as plainly as you have here?
What you wrote certainly pulled at my heart.

I have not been in your exact situation...though DH was not excited/eager to actually start a family.

There are 4.5 years between our kids. I think the more time that passes the easier it is to not want to mess w/ the family dynamic. I know I was plagued by those thoughts. Plagued w/ worry about how they would get along.
But our 2nd child has brought so much joy to our family-that all of those worries have fallen away.
So much joy that I think he inspired DH to want a 3rd.

Having a 2nd certainly changes things, but just like life after DD arrived...you can't imagine it w/o them once they're here.

Best wishes! Update us! :)

I'm sorry, C.. I haven't been through this situation, but it must be so difficult. Honestly, since you had discussed 2 or possibly 3, your husband should compromise at 2. You did discuss this previously and it must be heartbreaking to hear that your husband has changed his mind.

This is not a simple question. Because we don't know other factors that are impacting your husbands decision...

Look, many men feel that motherhood stresses their marriage and takes attention away from the husband... And I mean totally away from the husband. To really get to the bottom of this, you'll have to ask yourself whether you have been able to be there for him as his friend and spouse over the past 4 years. Because, if (like many women, myself included) you became a devoted mother at the cost of having enough bandwidth as a companion/partner, your husband may not want to go through that again. This is a very common reaction among men. Has the last 4 years been lonely for him? Has he made any criticisms of how you parent, especially when you are frustrated or low on patience? There is more to this situation than just figuring out how to warm him up to the idea. You'll have to get to the core of the issue and discuss it... and that discussion might go on for several months... Good luck.

I'm afraid Leah is right. You guys will absolutely need a mediator/ counselor to help you through this. Talking to an unbiased person will help you both talk out your feelings so at the very least, no one feels unheard. This is the type of issue that can break a relationship faster than anything. If someone wants more children, than giving up on that causes resentment. Likewise, being forced into it will cause resentment and withdrawl.

My heart goes out to you. I hope that you guys are able to work this out and that you start talking to someone soon.

Kind regards,
N.

I would look deeper into the financial aspect. It could be that is a bigger factor in HIS mind than you realize. Men stress about money A LOT. And when they are the "primary breadwinner," that amplifies it tenfold. You won't have to worry about childcare costs if you have another, but you will have to buy diapers, possibly formula, food, clothes, toys, etc etc. I'm not saying you shouldn't have another one because of that. But I'm sure your husband is concerned about all those expenses. Perhaps discuss ways of saving money/cutting back with him and offer to work a little from home or at night after having a second child. And reassure him that he does an excellent job bringing home the bacon, that he's a good provider.
Also, I doubt it helps but just know you're not alone. I have seen many women posting with this same problem on here lately and in fact I am dealing with it myself. Unfortunately I think it's the economy. Costs are rising, salaries are being cut or stagnating and men are freaking out.

I was in a very similar situation. My daughter was 4 and I desperately wanted another baby - my husband did not. I was sooo depressed and I wrote him this 4 page letter about why I wanted another baby so badly, all my thoughts and feelings - I didnt think I could talk to him personally without bawling like a baby. He read it and we talked afterwards and he finally agreed to try. I was sooo happy but also in the back of my mind wondering if he was just saying this to "make my happy". Anyway, long story short after a grueling year of trying to concieve I finally had our baby boy 9 months ago. Its wonderful seeing our daughter be such a great big sister and she loves her brother (whom she now calls monkey boy) sooo much - its a joy to watch them together. And other than an occasional "well, your the one who wanted another kid" from my husbands mouth - i dont think he regrets it.

C., That is a beautiful letter. I think you should show it to your husband. I always wanted more children and couldn't have anymore with my second husband. I remember sitting in the bathroom after taking those pregancy tests, crying and sobbing. And the worst thing is that I had uterine cancer, had a hysterectomy everything removed and the doctor told me my ovary worked fine. It was just not meant to be. My husband never wanted to adopt.So we raised my children from my first marriage together, but like you I wanted to see what a child would have looked like from us and what life would be like as a family. The years have gone by. I work with children but it doesn't satisfy that urge, that maternal need. I think you should urge your husband to take a chance and try. You may or may not get pregnant anyway, that is life sometimes. But if you do it is a miracle. I always urge you to explore the why he doesn't want more. If it isn't financial then ask him to explain more. If he is just lukewarm about it, then just try anyway. If he is very strong on his disinterest then you do have something to settle. Sometimes men fear they will be lost in the process. A baby takes you away from him. Talk and talk. Good luck!

I agree with JC. Talk to him about it, pray for him to change his mind again. I wish you the best!

I had to talk my husband into 5 of our kids. Our sixth came as a total surprise and I was so fearful he was going to be angry with me because I didn't consult him. Thank God he wasn't. Seriously sit down and talk to him. It isn't fair to you that when you were getting married he was in agreement that you would be having more than one child. My husband and I both know that our children are our true riches. A bigger house, nicer vehicles, and material things would have never blessed our lives the way our children have. The best gift we have ever given our children is their siblings. I have never known anyone to say I wish we would have had less kids.

After rereading my post I want to clarify that our sixth child was a surprise to me also. I didn't and wouldn't condone getting pregnant without your husband's agreement. I also want to add that if siblings don't get along when they are young it has more to do with the parent than the children. I don't allow hitting, pulling hair, biting or general mistreatment of anyone. Material things and pets are in no way going to replace a human being. That's just sick!

I have a similar situation too. When I met my husband, he didn't want any children so I said we couldn't get married since I wanted at least 4. I guess my husband had change of thought and we both agreed on two children. We figured we both met in the middle. After, having a child he too only wanted one, but we both had an agreement with two. However, either children were planned so they both happened and after number 2 came along...he then had a vestotomy. I also mention to my husband that if we both died...I didn't want my oldest to be alone...he changed his mind after that.

awww C.... I feel for you. DH and I had agreement on the number of kids. Try getting some help like a mediator. A good friend to both of you to help you two work this out. There is no right and wrong on the 2 sides. You're both right! The problem is you have to come to an agreement so you are both happy....good luck...try talking it out without anger. Try and really find out what he is so vehemently against.

When one person wants a baby (or another baby) and the other doesn't, the "no" vote wins by default. Your daughter doesn't get a vote, no matter how badly she may may want (or think she wants) a sibling.

There is nothing traumatic about being an only child. My daughter is one. She had plenty of bonding experiences with other kids while growing up, and she didn't have to share me or her dad with other kids.

Having a sibling doesn't guarantee bonding. I have a sister that I love dearly, but we don't have anything in common other than our gene pool. Growing up, we didn't play together - I liked to climb trees, she hated to get dirty. I listened to KISS, she listened to Olivia Newton-John. I watched Batman and Star Trek, she watched The Love Boat. I read science fiction, she read bodice rippers.

Well, I usually say that the partner that's "done" having kids wins this battle....but your case is a little different. You DID discuss having more children and now your husband is going back on it.

I think you need to be patient, understanding, but explain it to him the way you did here. I'd even show him your post. That way he can read your words and absorb them - most of the time when we're arguing with our spouses we're too busy forming our rebuttles to actually *listen* to the other person's points.

Personally, I want 4. But my husband was done at 3 and had a vasectomy. However, I'm pretty sure I would have fought for baby #2 if he said he was done with 1 AFTER we'd agreed to at least 2.

I am going through a similar experience, C., but reversed. My wife and I had always talked about having two kids. We are in our 40s now, and we have an amazing 6 1/2 year old boy. We had been going through the international adoption route for #2, but just ran into problems which will rule us out. I am willing to adopt domestically, but she isn't. Now we are battling - she wants to stop the process and have our only child, and I want to adopt our second. I was an only child myself, and while I came out ok, I always wished I had siblings growing up, and as an adult. When you say you were mourning - I understand. I am doing the same thing - I get weepy every few minutes and have just been devastated from this problem like I haven't experienced since my mom died.

I wish I could give you advice or a story of resolution, but our situation is brand new and not close to resolving. Just wanted you to hear that your feelings are not unique.

I'd tell your husband he cannot suddenly change his mind - especially since when you both got together and after having your first - you were both in agreement to at least one more child.

As I've said in other posts just like this one, this sort of behavior in my husband would be an absolute deal breaker - I feel strongly enough about wanting more children that if he were to suddenly change his mind, I'd tell him he'd have a year to change his mind or I'd divorce him.

Yes yes - having a nuclear family is all well and good, but I was a single Mom before I met my husband and even after having a second child together, I'd still prefer being a single parent than dealing with a man I couldn't trust or agree with on a very basic level such as how many children to have.

This is a decision gor you both. The one who chooses no more should prevail.

We have a one an only by choice with no regrets. I read your post and an only child is not the end of the world. You can't guarantee that your children will be close siblings.

Think of WHY you want more.

There is nothing wrong with 1. We are a perfectly content secure family, financially and emotionally.

If you can't get past this, seek counseling.

As I mentioned, it takes 2 and you need to be in 100% agreement.

I strongly suggest you see a counselor to work this out and come to some sort of a resolution. It is possible that he does not want to have another child because he wants more of your time to himself. Children take a lot of our time and energy and husbands often feel left out or abandoned. Friends of ours had the same issue. They had one daughter, she wanted another, he didn't. It became quite a heated argument for them. So much so that he went out and had a vasectomy without her knowledge. Long story short, they ended up divorced. Obviously there was more to it than just having or not having another child, but I'm sure they could have worked through it if they had addressed it sooner. Very sad.
Good luck.