21 answers

Husband and I Not in Agreement About Having Another Child

Hi Moms,
I know this is a very personal decision but I am looking to hear from Moms that have been in the same situation.
We have one daughter who is 4. She is an amazing little girl.
I love children always have since I was a little girl. I have always wanted is to be a Mom. When I was young I thought I wanted 6 kids, then 4 and know I want just 2. I am the youngest of 3. My husband is the 2nd youngest of 4. I am very close to my sister who is 5 years older than me. My husband is very close to his brother who is 5 years older than him. So we always thought a 5 year difference is good.
We had talked about having 2 maybe 3 kids before we had our daughter. But now my husband really has no desire to have anymore children. I never even thought of having only 1 child.
I can understand where my husband is coming from. Our daughter is healthy, beautiful, smart, funny and truly a joy to be around when she isn't driving me crazy as all kids do. I had a great pregnancy and a wonderful birth, the birth I wanted! We are happy and things are good but I am wanting more.

I think if we would have decided to only have our daughter before we had her it would be easier to be OK with. I feel as though I am Mourning another child I may never have if that makes since.

I truly don't want my daughter to be an only child. I want for her to have someone to grow up with. To understand where she comes from. To have in times of need. Friends can be this and sometimes more than a sibling but I think the bond between siblings is so special.
For me I want to experience being pregnant again, childbirth, a baby. I want to experience what I have with my daughter with another child. I want to see what our other child would be like. I want my daughter to experience having a baby brother or sister. She actually will talk about when I have a baby and asks for one. She would be a wonderful big sister. My husband and I know that if we don't have anymore children I will always wonder what if and possible regret it. For me to ask him to have a child he doesn't want isn't fair either.

I am a stay at home Mom and I am homeschooling my daughter so the financial aspect of having another child as far as child care isn't a concern.

I'd love to hear about similar situations and what did you decide and how did you come to an agreement.
Thanks in advance!


What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Thank you so much for all your kind words and advise! Of course this will take time to work through and many many talks. We have talked in the past of and on and our last talk is what moved me to post my question on Mamasource. I like the suggestion of us both talking with a close friend or counselor that can help us work through this. I think more then anything we need to talk a lot more about it and come to an agreement. It very well be financial concerns that he has although we are more financially secure then we were when we had our daughter. I do work 1-2 days a week so I do bring in some income but mostly to pay down debt and pay for activities for our daughter. It could be that my husband doesn't want to share me with another child and go through all the baby stuff again. It is a lot to think about having another child but in my mind it is all worth it and looking back it last just a moment.
Having one child is not the end of the world (like one Mom said). Our daughter has blessed our lives and she brings us so much joy! I'm just not ready to give up on having more children. More then anything I choose my husband, our marriage and our happiness but it doesn't mean I can't fight for what I want. My husband does feel sad that he doesn't want another child knowing how much I long for one more. I have hope!
We have not talked since I posted my question so I will keep in touch.

Thanks again!

Featured Answers

Talk talk talk talk talk, a lot about it.
You may fight, you may cry, but it you feel strongly about it it'll be worth it.

If you are on birth control, let him know you are getting off.

2 moms found this helpful

we were going to have one then decided, she needed someone else to complain to about us when we were old and annoying! The second has been here for 3 months and we are very glad we decided to have two. I wish you all the luck.

1 mom found this helpful

More Answers

There's no guarantee siblings will get along.
It's true some are life long friends, but it's also true some are life long enemies.
My husband is an only child and he loves it.
Our son is an only child and he has never wanted to share me with anyone except Daddy (and when he was 3 he didn't even want to share me that much).
I have a younger sister who's been nothing but a constant pain in the behind to everyone her whole life - the hair pulling, the bickering, the quit-kicking-my-bike-or-I'll-knock-you down-and-sit-on-you outright brawling.
I always WISHED I was an only child but my Mom didn't want me to be lonely.
(Thanks a lot, Mom - my scalp is permanently desensitized from all the hair pulled out of it over the years.)
Being an only child is great!
You never have to worry about splitting time/attention/resources.
My son has lot's of friends and those with brothers and sisters really envy our son's playroom.
If you still feel sad, consider getting a dog.

3 moms found this helpful

I was in a very similar situation. My daughter was 4 and I desperately wanted another baby - my husband did not. I was sooo depressed and I wrote him this 4 page letter about why I wanted another baby so badly, all my thoughts and feelings - I didnt think I could talk to him personally without bawling like a baby. He read it and we talked afterwards and he finally agreed to try. I was sooo happy but also in the back of my mind wondering if he was just saying this to "make my happy". Anyway, long story short after a grueling year of trying to concieve I finally had our baby boy 9 months ago. Its wonderful seeing our daughter be such a great big sister and she loves her brother (whom she now calls monkey boy) sooo much - its a joy to watch them together. And other than an occasional "well, your the one who wanted another kid" from my husbands mouth - i dont think he regrets it.

2 moms found this helpful

I would look deeper into the financial aspect. It could be that is a bigger factor in HIS mind than you realize. Men stress about money A LOT. And when they are the "primary breadwinner," that amplifies it tenfold. You won't have to worry about childcare costs if you have another, but you will have to buy diapers, possibly formula, food, clothes, toys, etc etc. I'm not saying you shouldn't have another one because of that. But I'm sure your husband is concerned about all those expenses. Perhaps discuss ways of saving money/cutting back with him and offer to work a little from home or at night after having a second child. And reassure him that he does an excellent job bringing home the bacon, that he's a good provider.
Also, I doubt it helps but just know you're not alone. I have seen many women posting with this same problem on here lately and in fact I am dealing with it myself. Unfortunately I think it's the economy. Costs are rising, salaries are being cut or stagnating and men are freaking out.

2 moms found this helpful

Talk talk talk talk talk, a lot about it.
You may fight, you may cry, but it you feel strongly about it it'll be worth it.

If you are on birth control, let him know you are getting off.

2 moms found this helpful

C., That is a beautiful letter. I think you should show it to your husband. I always wanted more children and couldn't have anymore with my second husband. I remember sitting in the bathroom after taking those pregancy tests, crying and sobbing. And the worst thing is that I had uterine cancer, had a hysterectomy everything removed and the doctor told me my ovary worked fine. It was just not meant to be. My husband never wanted to adopt.So we raised my children from my first marriage together, but like you I wanted to see what a child would have looked like from us and what life would be like as a family. The years have gone by. I work with children but it doesn't satisfy that urge, that maternal need. I think you should urge your husband to take a chance and try. You may or may not get pregnant anyway, that is life sometimes. But if you do it is a miracle. I always urge you to explore the why he doesn't want more. If it isn't financial then ask him to explain more. If he is just lukewarm about it, then just try anyway. If he is very strong on his disinterest then you do have something to settle. Sometimes men fear they will be lost in the process. A baby takes you away from him. Talk and talk. Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

This is not a simple question. Because we don't know other factors that are impacting your husbands decision...

Look, many men feel that motherhood stresses their marriage and takes attention away from the husband... And I mean totally away from the husband. To really get to the bottom of this, you'll have to ask yourself whether you have been able to be there for him as his friend and spouse over the past 4 years. Because, if (like many women, myself included) you became a devoted mother at the cost of having enough bandwidth as a companion/partner, your husband may not want to go through that again. This is a very common reaction among men. Has the last 4 years been lonely for him? Has he made any criticisms of how you parent, especially when you are frustrated or low on patience? There is more to this situation than just figuring out how to warm him up to the idea. You'll have to get to the core of the issue and discuss it... and that discussion might go on for several months... Good luck.

2 moms found this helpful

I'm afraid Leah is right. You guys will absolutely need a mediator/ counselor to help you through this. Talking to an unbiased person will help you both talk out your feelings so at the very least, no one feels unheard. This is the type of issue that can break a relationship faster than anything. If someone wants more children, than giving up on that causes resentment. Likewise, being forced into it will cause resentment and withdrawl.

My heart goes out to you. I hope that you guys are able to work this out and that you start talking to someone soon.

Kind regards,

2 moms found this helpful

I'm sorry, C.. I haven't been through this situation, but it must be so difficult. Honestly, since you had discussed 2 or possibly 3, your husband should compromise at 2. You did discuss this previously and it must be heartbreaking to hear that your husband has changed his mind.

2 moms found this helpful

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