Um, feeling a little awkward here, I'm the 20 year old daughter of a 24 year old marriage and need some encouraging advice from Mothers for my Mom. A little unusual, but this website was the most supportive I've come across. All right! Husband has been self-centered and borderline emotionally abusive for about 20 years (things like "What's wrong with you?" "Why can't you do more?" "I guess that you can't love me enough to do this.") Most recently, he has threatened divorce over how Wife is not "fun, exciting, interactive" enoough in sex life. He has moved into the spare bedroom and had taken up the "silent treatment." Ignoring Wife over all conversations unless children are present, including turning off cell phone since "she's the only one that calls." Even for emergencies.
While never to these lengths, he has done this before. Demanding something, refusing reasonable explanantion, and then sulking like a child. What advice can you give my mom? (Also, please don't tell me to tell her that she needs to just give in. She's been doing that for 24 years and has run out of self-confidence and self-esteem.)
I'd say she just needs to give in...and sign the divorce papers he seems to so desperately want. If he wants to her to constantly do what he wants, and he most recently has "threatened divorce", then give him what he wants. He'll either back down, or give her the divorce.
If he backs down, then he needs to agree to go to counseling both together and separately.
My advice - have your mother file for divorce. Best wishes.
You need to understand both your parents are ignoring each other's needs and this has little to do with sex. Both of them need counseling.
He is not seeing this as he needs more sex he wants her to be interested in the sex they have. He is taking it personally, that she doesn't want him, ignoring that something is wrong with her. That if she could be more interested she would be.
Just from your small amount of information I would assume your mom is depressed and your father feels unloved.
Sounds like he has affairs. I am sorry she has put up with this so long. I hope she puts her financial ducks in a row. Not turning on his cell phone means he doesn't want her to know where he is...
So sorry.
Dawn
She has two choices, really. Give in or get out. If she has no self-confidence or self-esteem, she should probably seek counseling first, to give her the strength to get out.
Get counseling for herself, first and foremost. (From what you describe I can pretty much guarantee, that he won't.) She will not have the esteem and self worth to do what possible needs to be done, without some counseling...in my opinion. Does she work? If so, she should open an account he has NO idea of and put money into that account. Have her call a woman's shelter and talk with someone there, about protecting her future. As much as she can get away with. It's been 20 years, and this will not change. In my opinion, she is an abused woman. Maybe, he doesn't hit her...but he is certainly mentally and emotionally abusing her. Of course, she shouldn't give in. She should get out.
I agree with Dawn. He is probably unfaithful. I wouldn't be surprised if it's just a set up for, "You didn't give me what I needed, so I got it somewhere else." He's manipulating her big time.
she needs counseling to learn how to stand up for herself.
khairete
S.
Well, I'm not saying your mom deserves the treatment, but she has dictated to him that it's okay to do these things because she has never put her foot down. I highly doubt he will change after all these years, honestly. Why would he, when he can treat her like garbage & get away with it & still have a dutiful wife?
It sounds like he is cheating, IMO & blaming her for all the issues. She needs to get into counseling, find out what a real marriage consists of, and learn how to love herself. The thing is, the treatment has become so normal for her that she doesn't know what healthy love consists of. The only way for to be truly happy will be to leave him, I'm afraid.
I really hope she has a career or work experience to fall back on & that she's not totally reliant on him for everything. It will make it a lot easier for her to leave him.
I would recommend counseling for them together, but it sounds like he very controlling & will blame her & not see his part in this, which will make counseling pointless. Both parties have to take responsibility & be open to change for it to work.
Im my mom's best friend... honestly her only friend.
My dad was controlling and she wasn't allowed any friends. I know as much about my parents sex life as I do my own! She has nobody else to talk to... so for those saying she shouldn't be talking to you about it.. maybe not... but I get it.
I would really encourage your mom to get into counseling. She needs it for herself. They will help her find ways to talk to your dad about what is going on. The will help her find her strength that she has hidden inside of her. They will help her stand on her own two feet instead of being a door mat.
All of this didn't happen over night so it will take some time for her to find herself again.
Once my mom found her strength she also decided that she wasn't going to live like this anymore after 32 years and she moved out. My parents divorced earlier this year after 34 years of being married.
Ironically it was harder on my dad figuring out how to do it all on his own and how much my mom actually did that he never seen while she was there. It is taking some time for both of them, but over all they both are happier now. Now that they are happier away from each other I have been able to have a greater deeper relationship with both of my parents that wasn't there before.
Im not telling you to have your parents divorce, hopefully once she starts standing up for herself things will get better for them.. but if they are anything like my parents, it got worse when my mom stood up for herself. Divorce was the best thing for both of them. Its amazing how much both of my parents have changed for the better.
Good luck!
Jo W's answer is great. Thanks Jo.
Good luck with helping your parents. My mom and dad were like this for a while.
Good luck to you and yours.
its hard to give an answer without knowing both sides but if he's being abusive she needs to leave. There are millions of married guys online that are cheating for that same excuse. I have a friend who is same situation where after 4 years I have given her more gifts than her husband
Honestly if it was me and my husband, he would either enter counseling with me or I would be gone. I would not continue to live like that.
Besides the other two I strongly suggest you have her read this site. http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp
Great first question! Welcome to MP!
