11 answers

How to Support a Friend - Whitinsville,MA

Okay ladies... I have a really good friend that has suffered with a very severe case of endrometriosis (sorry about the spelling) and can not get pregnant on her own..she just recently went through her first round of fertility treaments and the IVF was not succesful....I realize there is really nothing I can do but thought maybe someone would have suggestions on anything I could do to make her feel better, if that is possible or something that would let her know I was thinking about her ... I just feel terrible for her and have 3 of my own so I know she probably feels as thought I can not relate to her..thanks for any help!

What can I do next?

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I agree with Bethany. Be there for her to vent, and if she doesn't need to, do something fun to help her take her mind off of it. Also, be understanding that being around kids may be a bit difficult for her (sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't).

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I agree with Bethany. Be there for her to vent, and if she doesn't need to, do something fun to help her take her mind off of it. Also, be understanding that being around kids may be a bit difficult for her (sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't).

2 moms found this helpful

Just let her vent when she needs to. This is a very private pain/frustration because you feel like no one knows what you're dealing with. After losing a baby to an ectopic, it took us 12 months to concieve again and it was so frustrating. The best "cure" for feeling like to me was my sister listening to me and crying together until 3am. I needed it. I HAD to talk to somebody! Yes, let her know that you're thinking of her and maybe send her a nice encouragement card. She'll appreciate the thought. She's lucky to have a friend like you that cares so much!

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Having been through a serious health crisis myself recently (cancer), the best advice I can give is to ask her. Sometimes that's the hardest thing to do, but if you approach it sincerely and say something like, "I really want to help you as much as possible, but I just don't know how", she may be able to give you some guidance. She may also not be sure herself, but being a constant presence (daily phone calls asking how she's doing, etc) can go a long way.

We have friends in a similar situation. It was rough at first, now they're better. They love spending time with our kids until they can figure out what they want to do themselves.

Life hands all of us curve balls, and having people to help us deal with them is so critically important.

2 moms found this helpful

we all want to be able to take care of someone but there are somethings we just cannot do anything to solve someone's pain. Listening is the best medicine. I have a friend who had a real hard time arring her baby and the delivery was worse, she is no longer with the dad of that child and her new hubby to be wants a child of her own she is SO scared, I have listened to her fears and offered serogacy if she wants that route, I am willing (we live right next door, so she would be there through everyday of the pregnancy w/o the suffering she did b4) but other than that I am hear to listen and support her in anyway possible, she just needs to ask.

1 mom found this helpful

wow! your such a good friend. Maybe the same things that you just said on here tell her! just let her know she is constantly in your heart and on your mind. and if there is anything she needs your there for her. even if it's a girl's day out. good luck to you and keep up the good work.

1 mom found this helpful

J.,
You really are a caring friend to be trying so hard. Boy, if everyone with infertility had a friend like you we'd all be in a better place.

Knowing how I felt after 6 yrs of infertility, I would say that being cautious about when the news about new pregnancies is mentioned would be very helpful. It was always news that would make me cry, for a long time, and I always wished it had been given to me through email or a quick friendly phone call. Not that I ever wished the disease on anyone, it just always made me feel very sad and was something I couldn't help. But everyone is different and as Dana W mentioned just asking is the best idea.

Please know that it can take many, many, many IVF cycles to get pregnant and encourage her to keep going (if she can afford it financially and emotionally) so that she can finally get her prize. I'll put her in my prayers.
H.

There is a great IVF support board on ivillage that you may check out yourself for tips or refer her to. I did IVF as a gestational carrier last year and even though I knew the stats on first-cycle success (not high) and wasn't even trying to get pregnant for myself and had my own past fertility history to reassure us that this would work eventually, it was devastating when the first cycle didn't work. In addition to your friend feeling disappointed with the outcome, she probably feels like she somehow failed and it is her fault (irrational but pretty common after a failed cycle) and is dealing with a roller coaster of physical symptoms as well (picture PMS x 1000). Just let her know that you are sorry for what she is going through and that you are thinking of her and are there for her if she wants to talk or cry or just be distracted with something fun and mindless (like a movie).

I read a stat that the average IVF pregnancy takes 2.8 cycles - so most women have at least two cycles before conceiving. The first round is more like a trial run, then the doc can review the data and make changes the next round. There are a bunch of variables that can be fine tuned, including what medication she takes to produce eggs, the length of time she is on different medications, when they transfer the embryos, etc. In my case, the docs changed the medication that the intended mom took so that she produced better quality eggs. They transferred two embryos and those turned into boy/girl twins who are now 9 months old.

Just let her know that you are there for her, and be understanding if she needs some time to just be alone (and especially away from other people's kids) for a while.

Wow!!! Your friend's story sounds a lot like mine. Just be there for her and listen ...maybe a girls' night out would be great...I know I enjoyed them then (and don't get enough of them now)....Good luck.

M.
mom to one beautiful almost 9 year old boy by adoption

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