How to Knock Some Sense into My Husband

J.,

I am assuming that this was a topic of discussion before you got married. If he didn't agree to it then, then I don't think there is anything that you can do (or should do) to try to change his mind. I am the product of divorce. Both of my parents got remarried. I know if my parents decided to have kids with the people they remarried, I would have been really upset and felt that they would love their child more then then they loved me. If his children live with the two of you, then I think he is right. On the other hand, if he said that he would have children with you and is now saying otherwise, I think that he misrepresented himself. I still don't think there is anything you can do to change his mind. However, if having children is that important to you, you might have to rethink the marriage.

Did the two of you not sit down and discuss this BEFORE you got married? That would have been a great place to start. However, you are here now... all you can do is tell him in a rational, calm voice that this is something that is VERY important to you and that you feel like he is depriving you of something that you want. If being logical and rational doesn't work... cry... they can't stand to see us crying especially when they can fix it :D

It took a 5 month separation for mine to give in, but today we have two beautiful babies who are his life. Once he had some time to think about his he agreed to one & I ended up getting two (not twins).

Dear J.,

Your husband may be worried about more than just you loving your natural child more then his daughters. You didn't mention if you had discussed having children before you were married. It's been less then a year and you are already at odds with each other.

He could be worried about the cost of another child since he is already paying child support for two. He could also be worried about the possibility of divorce a second time and not having a full time relationship with yet another child. He could be worried over just finances period.

While I believe the question of having children and the number of children you and your husband wanted, should have been discussed prior to marriage, it doesn't seem like it was. Now you have to decide is a lasting marriage to this man more important then having a baby. Do you think if you gave it some time a year or two and show him how much you love his girls that he might change his mind? If he said absolutely no more children would you be miserable and unhappy? If you got pregnant, would your husband be miserable and unhappy? Would either of you consider ending your marriage over this issue?

I wish I could give you a happy ending answer, but there isn’t one (right now). Rather then knocking some sense into your husband. The two of you need to sit down and make a very important decision.

God bless and keep you all.

You may not like what I have to say. I have a different perpective than you. Please consider this opinion. Your husband's primary job in life at this point is to raise his children. Anything that takes away from them is a problem. Remarrying would fall into that category (sorry!). And if he were to go on to have more children then they would take away time from his existing children. So I agree with him on not having more, and I also think he shouldn't have married again.

You deserve to have your own children, but only with someone who is available to have them. This is harsh, but also logical. If you were my best friend then I would ask you to reconsider the marriage, and find somsone who has no kids and build a life with that person.

I just think that once you bring a child into the world, then you owe it all of your attention and owe it a stable and fair home.

I know this is a hard time for you and I wish you tons of luck, but let these girls have their father's attention.

M.

Sorry J., I think he's right. It's hard enough for step kids to have to deal with their parents' split and then possibly two new step parents without you're having your "own" child that they'll have to compete with. As much as you think you'll treat everyone the same - the fact that you need your own child already says there's a difference.

I am really kind of surprised you got married without having this VERY IMPORTANT term negotiated one way or the other. I this was so important to you, you should have made sure he was on board before you got married.

Hi J.!

I see you have several responses about your situation. I hope that I am able to add something that could help heal your heart a little.

I am a stepmom. I have been for 14 years now. I fell in love with my stepkids during the first year of our marriage, and I'm really glad those relationships came before OUR first child together. It was because I nutured my relationships with my stepkids first, that we had hardly any troubles when our first son came along.

I do say "hardly any" troubles, and let me tell you why. My stepkids were 8 (girl) & 10 (boy) when I met them. The boy was totally fine with anything, but the girl was very used to being Daddy's little girl & Daddy's Princess, and in her young mind, a little baby threatened that relationship. She didn't understand that Daddy's heart had room enough for everyone.....Until I drew a picture of a heart (Daddy's heart), and divided into sections for the Refridgerator. The top part of the Heart was the largest sections and that was for my stepkids, so they "thought" that their Daddy had more love for them. This developed a natural security for everyone, and my step-daughter began to evolve into a beautiful big sister instead of a resentful one (because she was both resentful & wonderful).

There will definitely be challenging times....times change, rules change, children are different and respond to different forms of discipline. With all this combined with stepkids, there will definitely be challenges ahead of you.

I recommend that you sit down with your husband, and tell him that you have "bonded" with his children beautifully. Ask him to please not be the one to deny you the opportunity to "complete" you by not giving you your own childbirth experience.

If he says yes, then you have to promise yourself to work harder when your baby comes. You can't make them "wait" for their baby brother/sister very often. You can't miss a soccer game because of your baby, you can't change your specials "dinners" or whatever.....Make sure that your stepdaughters know & "feel" #1 in your life. Like nothing has changed for them. They will be better big sisters....I promise....

Good Luck, J., with your new life. It sounds like you have a wonderful situation. I hope that you and your husband can come to an agreement on this without too many problems.

I hope my experience has helped guide you to making a good choice for yourself....one way or the other.

Best Wishes,

:o) N.

J.,

I don't think its a good idea to force anyone to become a parent again. The last thing that you would want is to get pregnant and bring a child into the world where the father would be resentful. Don't do it. If this was discussed and agreed upon before marrying, then sit him down and ask him what he is fearful about. I don't know why he left his last relationship, it could be baggage due to that. But if you didn't discuss it- you really need to think about if this is a deal breaker for you or not- can you be in this marriage without your own biological children? Whatever you do, keep the lines of communication open and don't get pregnant without being in agreement on it. Good luck to you.

Molly

Dear J.:

Wow! You certainly have a lot of advice here, but I wanted to give you one more opinion to consider. Don't make it a "his" and "hers" conflict. As with all other aspects of any healthy relationship, this needs to be an "ours" decision. Perhaps reinforcing "ours" in all of your activities will allay fears he might be harboring that this marriage could collapse or that he would again be on his own with even more responsibility if something were to happen to you. This is a pretty basic fear that might need to be talked out.

I am the happy result of a second marriage with two half brothers. My father was killed in an accident when I was very young and my stepfather married into a ready-made family of four children. As the youngest in the group the transition was easier for me than for my older siblings, but my new dad really tried to make it work as a family. In our case he became an even better, more doting and conscientious father after the birth of his first child with our mom. It seemed to really register that he was a father now, and even though he was committed to the family from the outset, he worked even harder to make our family work (through all of our interpersonal issues stemming from my older siblings' resentment over our new family). People are a work in progress their whole lives and family dynamics are challenging under the most gracious of circumstances. We laughed and cried, played and fought, but we grew up loving and respecting each other. And as a family who already had the deck stacked against them, I think we did exceptionally well.

Ultimately the two of you need to resolve this ... I'd just recommend not harping on it. Don't let the topic die, but don't back him into a corner. Gentle persuasion should win out.

Best of luck!

Did you discuss this issue before you got married? You should have, it's a big one. If you did and it was agreed that you would NOT have kids then you are the one changing your mind. If it was never discussed, well that was foolish, but I was always foolish in my relationships myself, so I can't talk, I'm just speaking with the wisdom of hindsight.

It is true that if you have your own child you will probably love it more, however you can promise your husband, sincerely, that you will never treat the children differently.

I'm assuming you never discussed this, so it's not an issue of his being selfish. And I have to say your attitude of "knocking sense into him" when you didn't clarify it before marrying him indicates immaturity on your part and makes me wonder about the viability of your marriage. However, if you treat him REALLY nicely, lots of attention, compliments and sex, you can probably change his mind. If that sounds manipulative, well, maybe it is but it usually works.

It's completely inappropriate for one person in a relationship to make a unilateral decision about whether you will have more children or not. I agree that what he's telling you is an excuse and probably not his real issue at all. I'd make a couple of sincere, loving attempts to have a two-way conversation about it and if that were unsuccessful in reaching a better understanding (both him understanding your needs, and you understanding his real issue) then I'd seek the help of a third, neutral party.

Did the two of you talk about having children together before you got married? If not, he may be feeling like you are trying to reneg on the 'deal' he signed up for. When things like this have gone undiscussed at the outset, and then you later find you aren't on the same page after all, it can be incredibly helpful to sit and chat with a counselor. It may only take a time or two, if it's a simple misunderstanding.

Your husband's response is truly selfish and my recommendation is to get separate and couples therapy. He is forgetting that the child you want to conceive will be HIS too.

Hi J. ~
I understand completely how you feel. I myself am a stepmom to 3 of my husbands children (11,10 &8) from a previous marriage. I have no children of my own. The children live with us 99% of the time...they visit their mom during Spring Break, Winter Break and a few weeks in the Summer. So really they are under my care all the time and to me they are my children. I have treated them like my own since day one. They call me mom and treat and respect me like I am their mom. I do understand that they have a mommy and even though I love these children dearly as my own, I have to share them with their mom. Because of that, there is emptiness in my heart. It kills me when I have to pack them up and send them away for a time (Easter 1 week, Christmas 2 weeks & Summer 4-5 weeks). Actually, it affects me to send them away more than it affects their dad...as weird as that is! It would be nice to have a family that you don't have to send away. My husband is very supportive of us having a child together and wants to, however; we have not been so lucky in the conception area. We have been trying for a few years. We finally decided that adoption is our best option and are getting a baby at the end of next month. The kids are so excited about it!! They don't have any concerns (that I can see) about me loving this child more than them. To them, it will just be another brother or sister to love and to us another daughter or son to love. So if you show your husbands chidren that they are a priority in your life and they know that you love them unconditionally (as a mother would), there will be no problem with them thinking that you love a baby more than you love them.

As for your husband...maybe he doesn't want any more children and is using that as an excuse. You definately need to sit and talk about it and let him know exactly how you feel, maybe he is insecure. Put out the pros and cons; discuss each one individually. Express to him how important this is to you!! Everyone woman (if they choose) should have ther right to be a mommy! :)
Good Luck...

you know I hate to say this but sounds like your husband really just doesnt want any more kids and you cannot make him want kids either. Sounds like he is just giving you a lame excuse.

I don't know about knocking sense into him, but my parents both had children from prior marriages. When they married they had my sister 5 years younger. I do not feel that she or he loved us any less after that. I also had a daughter from a prior marriage, and my new husband and I both wanted a child together. I wanted one he wanted two, we had two. I do not regret having any of my children. My husband loves my oldest daughter just as much as he loves his own children. There was never more love for one over the others. I feel that if you have enough love for two, you will have enough love for three. Find some stats on divorce and remarriage to show him, talk to some people and give him the info. But if he is set on not having another child, you can do little to change his mind and if you try it could be a bad thing. I too am interested in weather or not you had discussed the issue before marriage. Good Luck

hi J.,

this is super important. get some therapy for yourself and you both. i am a therapist and have known too many cases where this exact pattern kept women from having their own and the marriage and family suffered. have a therapist help him see that love is love, if u love his kids you always will, and that always love makes more love so yr love for your own will add to the love all around. plus it will be great for the kids. your unhappiness could even eventually create resentment of your parenting his kids, if he really wants some reality therapy.

put your foot down, empower yourself, get more support for yourself so you can deal the best way in helping him see it all, (especially his own needs canceling out yours which is not loving, and therefore not his highest self), for what it is.

A. m

You are going to have to come to some type of agreement,as far as adding another child to your family. It's understandable that you want a child. But please don't have one for the wrong reason. As far as the comment that you would love your child more than his, it would be part of both of you. This child would be the girls sister or brother. If you can come to an agreement alone, then maybe you can go to a counselor to help mediate an agreement.

I wish my dad had felt about me and my brother the way your husband does about his girls. I have a step sibling that very much got more love, more attention, more everything, in fact, than either my brother or my self did (we are from his first marriage). Please don't belittle his reservations and fears. He is being a great father to his girls, and they deserve and need him to continue to put them first. They came first after all, and did not choose the situation. You and their dad did. I don't doubt that you care for the girls, but the tone of your request concerns me. Raising kids requires sacrifice. My dad told me that he deserved to be happy, but at what price? At the expense of his previous responsiblities to his first children? Don't rush this issue. Make sure you both are communicating, and considering what the older girls really need. Will they be part time kids at your house? If so they will be missing out on a lot, and could likely feel left out or separate. What is your husband's relationship like with his first wife? Is is open and happy, or hostile and difficult? This will make a huge difference in how the girls do. Just remember that you choose this man, his kids, and his "baggage".

J., Congratulation of your marriage, sorry that you're having problems. You've received some great, and some really horrible advice, I hope you have the wisdom to discern them. I would think that your existing children would feel, no matter what you say to them, that you love your "own" child more. Your husband is a great dad to think of their feelings, in my opinion he's being very unselfish. I had a child at 40, so you needn't be in such a rush to have a child, even if your husband was willing; a new marriage and new children are enough of a adjustment for right now. I think that the tone of your letter is disrespectful towards your husband, maybe your disagreement over having another child is part of a larger problem. Will you be married long enough to raise a child together? As others have stated, I would recommend counselling, even if he isn't willing to go.

Good morning J.,

You are in a tough situation. Of course you will love your own children more - it is not fair of him to expect otherwise. Your husband sounds selfish and manipulative (not unlike something I have been through or I wouldn't be so forth right). You have the right to have your own babies - is this something that you had talked about before marriage? My feelings are that you need to decide what your prioritiies are - if it is more important to you to have children than the particular husband that you married to, it is time to move on. Men have "all the time in the world" to make their decision to have babies and women do not. Love your husband and try to communicate to him how important this is to you - though I suspect he already knows. Let him know that you will force him into an ultimatim and those never work out well. Gosh, I wish you the best. I hope your husband sees the light and you have beautiful babies of your own and of course, you will have a very special place in your life and your heart for his children, as well. Very best -

Hi J.,
I can hear the hurt and fustration in your voice. These emotions will turn to anger and ANGER IS A MARRIAGE KILLER. So you will have to tread this carefully. No doubt your husband has his own hurt/fustration/anger over this too. His reaction is most likely the result of fear. Try to see where his fear might be coming from. Did his own mother abandon him? Did his parents divorce? Did his wife abandon his girls? Seeing it from his angle can help reduce your pain. It's a long delicate road when you have two people who have their own needs they want met and can't seem to come together on it. I would not keep battling this in the way you are however, because, it isn't working. He is not hearing it and has closed down. Get some help, if not from a marriage counselor then several marriage books. "HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS" is a good start to working through eachother's needs. "MAKING LOVE LAST FOREVER" by Gary Smalley is another good book and deals with this pain/anger/fustration issue. Another highly suggested book is " SACRED INFLUENCE: WHAT A MAN NEEDS FROM HIS WIFE TO BE THE HUSBAND SHE WANTS" by Gary Thomas. And "IF ONLY HE KNEW: WHAT NO WOMAN CAN RESIST" by G Smalley. Try to read as much as you can of marriage self help books. Another book I relied on a lot is the Bible. There are answers for everything in there. And the Psalms have much comfort in them for a hurting person.

hi J.! you didn't say if you and he had talked about having kids BEFORE you got married: this would make a huge difference in what stance you should take, ya know? so, i wonder if you guys had agreed to have more children or haven't really talked about it before - hard to give advice without knowing that! good luck - his excuses seem kinda lame to me, too (even though i'm sure he has a lot of valid feelings about maybe not having more kids and maybe he isn't communicating his real reasons well). anyhow, be kind to him, too, because he had a failed relationship with the mother of his other kids so he has baggage that you cannot understand and experiences that you haven't had. good luck and keep up the good work being a wonderful role model for the two daughters you already have! :) peace n smiles :)

Hi J., try this website, you may find it very helpful. It is exclusively for women who have no biological children who are in a relationship (married or otherwise) with men who have children. The website providees a ton of support for women in our unique situation. I have helped my husband raise his three children for five years. Initially he was hesitant about having another child, now he understands that I want to be "the mom" to my own child. He is now on board with adding one to our bunch within the next year or two. Good luck to you and definetly check out this website.

www.childlessstepmoms.org

Hi J.,

The only thing I can say is that it sounds like either he will resent you for pressuring him into it, or you will resent him for not giving you what you desire. If there is no way to resolve it, maybe he was not the right one for you to begin with. Did you discuss this before you married him? I have to say that I have 2 step children and 2 of my own and 2 we have together. I know my husband resents me for having more even though he was part of the decision. Good luck.

J.,

You and your husband are both right in a way. You will have a different kind of love for your own child because of the maternal bonding that happens during pregnancy and infancy. So, he is right that you will love your baby more...well, maybe you will love your baby differently rather than more. It is not fair of him to deny you a child of your own nor do you want to force a child on him against his will. Seriously you should go see a marriage counselor because this is such an important decision. Did you guys by chance discuss having children before you were married? If so you could remind him that having children of your own is a deal-breaker for you and that you will never be completely happy or fulfilled until you get to experience this. I do understand his concerns and they are valid but that doesn't make him right. Please, go talk to someone professional.

I wish you the best and you will be in my thoughts.

E.

Dear J.,
I think you and your husband might benefit from a couple of counseling sessions, one each seperate and one joint to openly discover your feelings in the matter re. new baby. Another or perhaps additional idea is HypnoFertility. Don't know your geographical location, but you can go on line to find a HypnoFertility therapist.
All my best, S.

I am a 35 year old who married the love of her life in November of 2006. I inherited a great 6 year-old step son as well. My husband knew that I wanted to have a baby (he did too) and never once thought I would love my biological child any more than "his" child. My step-son is now 8 and our baby is almost 4 months and all is great! If my husband were to say that I would be hurt because I would be thinking to myself, how could my husband think I don't love his children like my own? But that is just my own feelings on that one. I would just be sure to talk to him about it, let him know you woulnd't love a biological child any more or less than your setp-children, reassure him of that, and then ask him what his fear really is about the whole situation. Good luck!

Maybe he is expressing his own fear, he's afraid his daughters will think he loves the baby more?

Lay down the law...nothing to hinder and nothing to help. If it happens, it happens. Then read every book on fertility you can. Worked for me. I was pregnant the next month.

Stephanie

I married later and when my husband and I were engaged this topic was extremely important to me. I knew he might not want children because he had said he didn't with his first wife. We talked at length, because as much as I loved him and as harsh as it sounds, it truly was a deal breaker for me. I would not marry a man who didn't want to have children AND right away. I was very glad I did talk about it a lot, because we had real trouble having our own. He never would've gone through the years of infertility treatment we did had he not already been on board. I know that some of my friends who married later did not discuss it before and had some issues along the way. I hope you did, but I understand if you didn't. You don't say where the mother is. If this was a divorce, it's still very unusual for fathers to have custody of two girls, so he may feel ultra responsible and not want to have another child for fear of your commitment to any children and that he could end up with three to take care of on his own. He may also be wrestling with his girls' feelings of abandonment by their mother. If the mother died, he may also be fearful for his girls. As horrible as this may sound, he may have been looking for a good mother for his girls, even more than a good lover for himself when he met you and that would be normal. He's not be selfish; he's being protective and probably scared. These issues can be WAY too big to handle without a therapist, so I would suggest getting some help to discuss the issues. It's never a good idea to have a child when only one wants him/her. It has to be a joint decision. Without agreement on the issue, one of you will have resentment. Children don't fix problems. They are a tremendous commitment and can test even the strongest relationships at times. We adopted children and one has fairly significant special needs which we did not anticipate. If either one of us doubted our desire to be a parent to this child, our marriage would not survive.

He probably knew before getting married that you wanted children. I would explain you want the joy of having children also. See who their going to look like. Explain you want to go through pregnancy, labor and all of the firsts that they do. He has already experienced that and guys are so different from girls. I think he is being very selfish, but of course you can tell him that. LOL
Good luck :)

Knocking sense into husbands is a dangerous activity. At 36, you are probably not going to have any easy time getting pregnant. Your ovaries are just unlikely to be producing viable eggs each month. That reality aside, you are in a partnership. You married, accepting that you would have two "beautiful girls" to raise. You want an additional child and have undoubtedly concluded that you can afford, financially and emotionally, to add another person to the family. Your husband apparently feels he can't emotionally afford another family member. Perhaps he is at his limit with two. Try to get to the bottom of his legitimate concerns about adding another family member. Listen with an open heart, because this will have an extraordinary impact on your marriage. He has *reasons* for not wanting another child; they are not "excuses." Best wishes.

Hi J.,
This is too important to leave to all of us mamas out here--you and hubby should find a marriage therapist/counselor who can explore this issue with the two of you. Having a child is too important to become a power struggle between husband and wife, and you both deserve to have your own feelings on the subject. I hope that this is a topic that you discussed prior to the marriage, but get thee to the appropriate professional quickly. Therapy may be expensive, but so it heartbreak and broken homes for all involved. Good luck at sorting out this issue.

Dear J.-
Having your won child is a whole different can of beans. Tell him this- not only will he have a 3rd child to love, but his girls will have a sister to dote on, and the 3 of them- well, they are your babies.
One question- is their mother still in the picture? If so, gently remind him that they still have a mommy, and you are happy to be there for them when she cannot. If she is not in the picture, then they are yours!
A friend of mine has 2 daughters- once belonged to her husbands first wife, and the other was theirs. I have never seen her treat either daughter differently. She raised them. They are hers. And legally, she has custody of both, regardless of who their original parents were.
I think it's a genuine concern that he fears they will feel less than (his girls) but I also think it's a cop out. This is your family, too. Do a family meeting with the girls. Ask them how they would feel if they had a new brother or sister to play with and hold. Tell them that you think they will be awesome older sisters and couldn't think of 2 better girls to fill that position. If they are happy and involved, maybe he will lighten up a bit. Besides, marriage is a two way street, and this is not a compromise worth being upset over (for him). This should be a joyful thing.
Have you had a heart to heart with him and asked him WHY besides the girls he is staying away from having more children? Is he afraid that his marriage is not secure? Is he afraid his girls will be hurt or left out? Reassure him that you love him and are in this for the long haul, and that his girls are a part of your family now and forever.
See what they say, and gently prod them forward.
Good luck!
-E. M.

I would talk with him and express how much you would love to have a child with him. That this would add so much more love to your family.
If he is still not a willing participant, you do know you control everything. You know your own cycle and when is the right time to get "P". Sorta make the decision for him. Miss the pill a few time right around that time. If this is the only way, maybe he will be different and be happy once you are pregnant. Maybe he is just scared and you will have to show him, his kids will mean the same. The baby will just add something missing between yours and his relationship.

Trish

Hi J.,

I have two stepsons and had a child of ours. I'm sure at first it seemed like I loved my own more, but a baby takes so much time and attention that any older child is going to get less attention - and your husband is going to get less time and attention too. It could be that he doesn't want to go through the baby stage again - or doesn't want to share you, or is concerned about the finances. Does he think that you do not love his daughters as your own now and that's why he thinks you'd love your own more? Talk to your husband again, and try to get to the root of his feelings. Was he brought up in a similar situation? It may come down to - what do you want more? A baby or your own, or a life with your husband and his daughters. Best wishes to you.

How is it going by now? I missed responding to your inquiry because I wasn't on the computer at times.

Did you and your husband discuss having your own baby before you got married? If not, maybe you could ask him to let a third party like a counsellor discuss the pro's and cons.

I remarried at 34 and my husband was 52 and you know what, he was the greatest gift. He cemented the relationship and in later years helped my care for his dad when he became disabled. His son from his first marriage (mom deceased) loved his dad but remained more for himself. My son from another marriage was concerned about his step-father, but had a family, but our son was there all the time. What a blessing.

D.

Ditto to Toni's excellent advice.

You will love your own child more because it is human nature but having said that it will enhance your relationship and love with your step children because then you will know the real maternal bond. Your husband is being selfish! He needs to stop it or he is going to lose you because the pull of wanting to be a Mother always wins over the love for any man! He needs to get on board real quick too because you are 36 yrs. old and it's harder have babies after 30 yrs. old. Good luck to you and your family and I pray you can work it out!

He's right ... you will love your own child more than his girls. They're HIS and a new baby would be YOURS, kinda. However, that doesn't mean that the love you bear for his girls isn't going to stay consistant. It'll still be there and that's what you'll need to make him understand.

And it's possible you won't be able to get him to see that. If that's the case then you have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. If you really feel the need to have a biological child of your own ... and he still says no ... then your options are to give up the idea of having a baby ... or move on.

And as a step-child myself I can tell you ... I've had both ends of the spectrum as far as step-parents are concerned. One step-mother I had flat out told me she didn't want me there or her own son, she only wanted my dad, herself and her daughter. But my step-dad and current step-mom are absolutely fantastic. My step-dad has two girls from a previous marriage ... and while I know he loves me deeply ... I also know the love he bears for his girls is deeper and different. It doesn't mean he doesn't love me ... it's just different.

This is definately a topic that should have been discussed in great detail before getting married. I think your husband is probably right by not wanting more kids. It will make his kids feel horrible to have to go "VISIT Dad and his NEW family" Generally when there is a life changing decision to be made the one who says "NO" wins. If he's not on board he probably never will be. And, I hope you're mature enough not to "cry" to get a child. That is just nuts. Children should be made in love and wanted by both parents, not one parent bullying the other into it. If he doesn't want any more children and you do, it would probably be in your best interest to get a new man who does.

Dear J.,

Toni's advice is right on. This is a decision you need to make with your husband. Sit down and talk to him about his fear. Find out what he's thinking and then see if you can reach an agreement. Talk to him about how much you want ANOTHER baby, vs. YOUR OWN baby. Think of it in term of already having two children and convincing him to have another, not he has 2 and you want one.

It is a common fear of single parents that there will be favoritsm if they have another one with someone else. He isn't being irrational: He's being a good Daddy! Must be why you love him:) A good parent will worry about the emotional needs of his children. If you want to add to your family, then you have to be worried about them too.

In the grand scheme of things, a year isn't that long to be married. Work on being a family, show him how much you love his girls, that you really think of them as YOUR girls, and his fear will subside.

Good luck to you... and enjoy being a mommy! :)

Hopefully you talked about this before you got married? As a husband-- a man who committed his life to you he should be well with your thoughts and feelings. If anything
I would think it would bring the family closer together. Yes, honestly there will be different love for the children but not anymore or any less. When you married him you took on responsibility of his daughters and married them as well. Hopefully he understands that.

Dear J., First, I would say that your idea that you need to 'knock some sense" into your husband may be part of the problem. You twoboth have legitimate concerns/needs. Perhaps if you can step back a bit and really see it from your husband's side (in other words, quit thinking he is just being selfish and ask him to describe why he has these fears - maybe he doesn't want to go through diapers again, etc. Maybe he and his ex broke up over childrearing issues - maybe your high need scares him). Try considering how you two could work together to honor the needs of both of you, rather than making this an either/or thing. I would bet there may be other issues for your husband, but who would know - you are tired of his 'excuses' and he is probably tired of your 'demands.' You two have been married less than a year, and while that biological clock is probably ticking, consider that putting your lives together has been a wonderful, but huge undertaking. I would suggest Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by Gottman and Silver as a good place to think about how to build good communication around the tough issues in your marriage, such as this. So, you both need to try to put aside assumptions and listen and consider. I hope you two can work it all out.

Best,

L.