How to Help the Younger Ones When Oldest Moved Out in the Middle of the Night?

Wow. I'm sorry for this situation. You might want to call the police and report this, if only to inform them of this strange adoption. What if she has unknowingly been "adopted" into a sex slave trade or other weird cult? I realized she is 18 and an adult, but it's worth mentioning it, just in case she's not the first one in this situation.

Regroup as a family unit.
Change the locks.
Clean out her room and redecorate for one or both of your other kids.
You are going to mourn her leaving, but she's not dead.
Hopefully she can go make a better life for herself.
You can tell your younger children that she felt she could no longer thrive in this home environment and she's transplanted herself somewhere else where you all hope she can be happy.
It's going to take some adjusting, and you might even feel a little guilty about it, but with the stress and drama gone, life can settle down to be a bit more peaceful and quiet.

Well, I'm the youngest of 5. Every single one of my siblings moved out at 18 (they were ALL hs graduates though). I wonder what the big deal is? She's an adult now, it's time she lives her own life.

I DO hope you'll learn from her though. Clearly the parenting techniques you employed for the oldest did not work. Maybe a new plan is in order the the younger kids? I hope so.

Enjoy your new peace and quiet!

:)

Yikes. You can easily take care of the LO's. Big sis is a grown girl.

You got plenty of good advice here.

Only thing I would add is to review your parenting tactics and see whether you should make some changes.

Additionally, I will add you seem quite cold to your 18 yo. Nowhere are you worried about how to make contact again, how to mend bridges etc. Only about the LO's.

Please please think of how to reconnect with your big girl. How sad. I would be devastated.

So... you told your small children already about their older sister? What matters is how you told them, how you're reacting, and getting your remaining children into therapy too. Family therapy and individual therapy for them as well as you.

EDIT: I just want to add for those catching up that the OP doesn't in fact have any rights to the daughter who just left home because she's 18 years old. She doesn't need to be emancipated. It does seem a bit vindictive to me that Eldest Daughter would send someone to inform A. that she was being formally adopted by another family since that notice wouldn't be necessary now that she's legally an adult.

Well, today she is legally an adult. There really isn't anything you can do to bring her back.

I feel sorry for your littles. All they can do is go about their day. Maybe make her a birthday card? Tell them that she just needs some time to not be angry any more and that she will be back. Just think of it like she's gone off to college.

Give her some time. Odds are she will change her mind when she sees what being a grownup is all about.

First of all, no child can be adoped without the parental rights being legally severed, either voluntarily signed away or by court order involuntarily severing them. So, your daughter is not being adopted by someone else.

Secondly, I explain to the little ones that their sister has grown up and is now an adult. You are sad that she's decided that she wants to live elsewhere right now, but adults eventually move out. You hope that she'll decide to be part of their lives, as that is how family should be. However, right now she is trying to figure a few things out for herself. Tell them that you miss her too, love her too and hope she'll come back. And, get the younger kids some play therapy and some individual/family therapy.

It will be interesting to see how long your 18yr old holds onto the "no contact ever."

What a sad situation. I don't know the full story of course. I read your last post to get a little background. Anyway, your 3 and 5 year old will be sad but they will be ok. Just give them tons of hugs. Your daughter legally is able to do what she would like. I think it's awful what she did to leave like that. She will get a lovely dose of reality in the real world with no family.

I just think it's so selfish of her. Again, hug the little ones. Have them see a therapist as well. When your oldest comes back, and she will: Be happy to see her, but she chose to leave the way she did. I would never ever let her live in the house again. Good luck with everything.

All younger sibs miss the older ones when they move out, it is part of life.

Of course my kids still see their younger sibs. I think this is why I feel like a huge part of this is missing. What exactly did you do that she needed to get out of there so bad she abandoned her little sibs? I am curious because it would be awful if you repeated the pattern with your younger kids.

It's normal for 18 year olds to move out.

I'm going to repeat what Theresa said: "I DO hope you'll learn from her though. Clearly the parenting techniques you employed for the oldest did not work. Maybe a new plan is in order the the younger kids? I hope so."

Some day I'm sure she will contact you again. Keep your relationship light and supportive from now on.

Well she's 18 yrs old and legally an adult. Yes she can be adopted as an adult and you will not be notified of this. She will be issued a new birth certificate and the records will be sealed. However just because some files paperwork to adopt an adult doesn't mean the court grants it. They follow certain guidelines and can reject the application.

Now is time to focus on your family and what you can do to pull together and make a happy home minus your oldest. At this point your younger children are confused because their sister is gone. As a family unit you all need to talk it out. The younger ones need to know that it was their sister's choice to leave and while it's sad because she'll be missed it isn't their fault.

And if someone shows up at your door to discuss your oldest daughter don't feel like you have to be polite and speak with them. You don't. At this point it looks like she's got other people talking on her behalf after she's told you that she wants nothing to do with you. So let her have her wish. Answer the door with an "I'm sorry but I'm respecting my daughter's wish not to have knowledge of her life. Please don't come by anymore" and close the door. If she left stuff behind box it up and put it in storage for a while in case she has a change of heart.

Finally I'd like to add that as a parent we do the best we can with the tools we are given. There's no instructions on what to do to raise the perfect child. We all struggle to do what's best; winging it most of the time and worrying that we are making a wrong decision. You made mistakes along the way but you did the best you could do. Don't beat yourself up over would have could have should have. Your daughter's decision does not reflect on you as a parent.

An adoption is a legal proceeding where the parents of the minor is involved. So I seriously doubt the whole adoption thing but am concerned if two adults came to your home about your 18 year old. She is being scammed if this is the case.

I hope you didn't make a big deal out of this to your little ones. I hope you explained to them that when you become 18 you are legally an adult and can move out on your own.

You are your little ones stability. They will get their cues from you on how to proceed forward.

If you were particularly emotional when you read the note and the little ones were with you then naturally they would be crying and acting out but if you are calm, nurturing and peaceful then they will learn to calm down and adjust to a new way of life and living.

I agree with B about changing the locks and that is for your own safety. You have no idea what kind of crowd she has attached herself to and if she has access to your home so do they.

My little one understands that after age 18 siblings can move out. I think one thing they worry about is will they have to move out, they cannot imagine not living with Mommy! So assure them they will live with you until at least 18, then they can choose. It is easier for my little one because he gets to see his siblings frequently. Just be matter of fact children live with their parents until they are 18, then they may move out, sister moved out.

Well she was determined.

You need to stay strong. For yourself and for your younger children..

You need to make sure your younger children stay on their schedules.
If they ask about sister, just tell them she is will be gone for a little while.

If they insist on contacting her, have them draw pictures. The 5 year old could write letters. Date them and save them for when you do have contact with her again.

At 18, honestly she is seen as an adult by the law.
It will be interesting to see if she really is going to be able to handle all of the responsibilities that she will face.

As a mom I also would be heartbroken and worried. But I also would need to stay strong and at any chance I might have, make sure she knew I would always love her and she would always be welcomed home.

She made this choice. She knew how you felt. Now she will get to take the responsibilities for her choices.

The whole point to parenting is to raise independent adults. Sounds like she was ready.

Hang in there. I am sending you peace and strength.

I hope that she makes good choices and decisions and is strong enough to admit, if she needs to come home and ask for your help.

I hope that if/when she comes back you will be willing to start over with her. To listen to what it is she feels she needs and then that she will listen to you and what your expectations and the 2 of you can work this out.

One thing I'd like to point out that no one else has seemed to address (and maybe you've already talked with the little ones about this) is that the younger kids may see this as the "norm." That once you turn 18, you disappear from your family's life. Nevermind the other examples in their life to the contrary, this is a big flashing neon sign in their minds, because it happened in their own house, with their own big sister.

So perhaps you should talk with them about how their sister decided to move out and that they can do that too, when they turn 18 or graduate from high school or go to college. But that you hope that they will always be a part of your life, because you love them and want to see them as grown-ups, going to college, falling in love, getting married, having their own children, etc.

The kids may also act out, because someone who they love and is a part of their lives has just disappeared. They may be wondering if they are next. Even if you explain to them that it was sister's decision to leave, they may still harbor confusion and fear about what exactly happened. So be sure to reassure them that you love them and they will always have a home with you.

18 and quitting HS in July/August? seems odd - is she a year behind?

You can best help your younger ones by showing them you're OK with this, they are looking to YOU for their cues on how to handle it.

Tell them that you are sad as well, but that it's normal for 18 year olds to move out, she is now an adult. Acknowledge that you wish she had said good bye in person, too. Love them and try to focus on what you all have, each other, and reassure them that you will not leave them. You can be sad in front of them, even shed a tear or two with them, but save the sobbing (if you do) for when you're alone. Don't speak of her in anger in front of them, you want them to have their own perceptions of her based on their own experiences with her, if she stays away as she said you can show them the letter when they are much, much older to help them understand.

Lastly, learn from whatever parenting mistakes you made with your oldest and try not to repeat them with the younger ones. Take care of you and your little ones.

I know all in all this is a sad day, {{HUGS}}

I've only read a couple of responses and I do agree that your younger ones will take their cue from you so you have to act like it's okay.

I do, however, disagree that because she moved out the way she did, you had done something wrong as a parent. They say with teens that if your kids hate you, you are doing something RIGHT!

Hang in there and don't let these ladies cause you to beat yourself up. People who have not yet raised a teenager have no idea what they're in for!

First, I have heard of 18 yr old being adopted...this tends to be more for making them a "legal heir".

Anyway, I can't imagine how upset my 5 yr old would be if her big brother (20 but a college student so he lives at home when school is not in session) up and moved out. I know it will be hard but you have to be strong and matter of a fact w/ your little ones. They need to know it is ok and their siste is ok.

Is there any doubt your daughter wrote the letter? Could she have written it under duress? I would want more details about the pending "adoption" and why they knocked on your door. I would contact the police to at least report this in case the two people are scamming her.

Is she 18 or not? If she's 18 she is an adult. As I understand it adults can be adopted (we just had a wealthy guy here in Florida adopt his lover to get around having to pay certain $$$ in a terrible car accident where he was at fault).

If she is not 18 I would probably contact the police just to cover my bases.

As far as the younger children go, I would try my best to hold it together and explain it to them on a level appropriate to their age and maturity. "Sister decided she was ready to leave home, and it makes me sad because I think it's too early. But it's her choice because she's an adult now (if that's the case)."

I would worry about them blaming themselves, which is what little kids tend to do. I would try to reassure them that it's nothing to do with them and sometimes people just have problems. And I'd reassure them of my love and let them know I'm not going anywhere.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope it gets better for you.

Who are the people who knocked on your door? You still have a right to know where she is at and what is going on unless she has been emancipated, and she is still so young, who knows what she is thinking. There is not enough info here to understand whats going on. Aas far as the younger ones, there is no need for them to be swept up in the drama.