How to Handle Supporting My Brother?

You say he is highly emotional. I wonder if he is not telling you that he's suicidal. Maybe that's a leap - maybe it's not. Maybe he is afraid to take care of his daughter. Maybe he is depressed and trying to fight his way out of falling into clinical depression.

I think perhaps it would be good for him to go to counseling. Ask him to do it. Ask him if you can help him start the process. He may be so overwrought that he can't do anything but what he's doing now. And he hasn't bottomed out, either.

What this feels like to him is a death in the family, D.. Except she's not dead and she doesn't want him, and she doesn't want her child. It's a double whammy because he doesn't recognize the person she is and he never expected this kind of person to emerge from the person he thought he married. He needs counseling to help him get through it. And he needs a lawyer to explain what happens so that he can mentally prepare. That includes if he loses custody because he gave the baby to the grandmother.

What a mess. So, his daughter has lost her mother and now will likely lose her father because both parents are unable to deal with their emotions and be parents at the same time? I would support him by listening, and urging him to get into counseling with a qualified family therapist - tell him his burden is too heavy to bear alone, and that moving out of the house might be good but just hanging with a co-worker in an apartment isn't going to help him work through his emotions. If he's sacrificing his child, his emotions need a ton more help than that!

I wouldn't try to handle this yourself, but rather use your efforts to get him into counseling to help HIM and also take care of his child.

It's not judgey. It's recognizing that children have fewer coping skills than adults, even adults who have major problems. And having a wife who had an affair with a patient is a major screw-up on her part. That child needs some parent with judgment.

Support him as a sister---have him over for dinner, help him pack his things for his move, maybe offer to watch his child once in a while for an hour or two so he can catch his breath and figure out a game plan.

But it also sounds like he could use some objective support in the form of counseling. While it's understandable that he's flooded with all kinds of emotions in the midst of the divorce, he still has responsibilities as a parent, and for his child's sake, he needs to be there for his young child. People can divorce their spouses but not their children, and he has to see that, no matter how dejected he's feeling about the break-up of his marriage.

Talk to him about finding a therapist who can help him sort through these break-up related emotions while maintaining his parental responsibilities. People do it all that time. It's part of being a responsible grown-up and parent.

Bottom line: Help him as you would any friend through the break-up related stuff but continue to strongly encourage and support him being a responsible parent.

D.

Your brother needs to seek out a therapist - pronto.

the first and most important question is 'is he asking for your advice?'

if he's not, then you're just wasting your breath.

if he is, then yes, i'd advise him that he is jeopardizing not only his legal claim to have time with his child by deliberately abdicating his paternal responsibilities, but he's putting his entire relationship with his daughter in jeopardy.

being butthurt about his wife's affair is completely understandable. going through some emotional wreckage is sad but expected.

there is no 'i can't deal with being a father.' being a parent is not optional. there's no excuse for it. he's screwing up royally.

but it circles right back to what he's open to hearing. if he hasn't asked for your advice, keep it to yourself.
khairete
S.

I would just listen to him when he needs to talk.

Is it possible that he just needs a break to sort out his feelings and make plans that will allow them to be together? Also, consider that the friend doesn't want the daughter in his apartment.

I understand your brother needing some space. He said this was for a month.I would act in a way that supports them being together again. Perhaps have both of them to dinner each week. Tell your brother you know this is a rough time for him and his daughter and possibly being alone will be helpful. Talk about how this situation affects children and ask to have him visit her so that both he and his daughter have part of their needs met.

Is it possible that his wife left without her daughter because he refused to let her go. This could explain some of his not keeping his daughter with him. If this is what happened encourage him to let her mother keep her. Her mom is likely to be less upset and able to provide a more stable home. I'm glad her grandparents are taking care of her.

I know that sometimes parents lack the ability to deal with a child while suffering themselves. In those instances, it's best to have someone that they know to care for and support them.

Definitely encourage him to get professional help. He needs help with his own emotions before he can take care of his daughter.

I agree with Julie's statement. Perhaps he just needs a week or two to cool off, that doesn't mean he is cutting ties with his daughter or dodging his responsibilities as a father. I needed some time for myself when my father passed away and I didn't want my child around all that crying and the funeral arrangements, depressive moods and wailing from family members. She was too young for that and I thought it would affect her own state of mind and school performance. Whatever, I don't care if others want to call me a bad mom for that. We all deal with our grief differently and I wanted to protect her.

Your brother may be too busy packing to really focus on his child and it may be better for him to keep away from her than to snap at her, scream, cry, break things...I don't know how he deals with anger and grief like I said, but you get my point. Why not offer to babysit for him or help him pack? Maybe he can actually focus on spending time with his child if he doesn't have a ton of stuff going on like having to pack, look for new places to live, go to work every day, interview different divorce attorneys, file divorce paperwork, etc. Counseling, including family counseling so the child can be made aware of the divorce, would not be a bad idea.

Sounds like your brother is in shock and is taking a break to just get it together - and has given the child to her mother and grandparents (who are her child care providers regularly).

Looking after a toddler on top of being blindsided may not be something he can handle. I know when I've been in shock (loss of a loved one, etc.) I've just handed the kids over to my husband. Your brother doesn't have that luxury at the moment.

If it were me, the support I would offer is to look after/(help out with) the child for him.

And just listen. Also, you could find the numbers of some good therapists and just give him the business cards without judgement.