My Eight Year Old Son Is Wetting Himself - Help!

Don't wory too much. Put him in Pull Ups or whatever and don't make a big deal about it. More kids than you think wet the bed at his age or older. My best friend in 5th grade often wet her pants at school. (She was terribly embarrassed, but she's a girl.)

As for eminding him to shower and put on clean clothes, you'll need to do that until he wants to impress girls! :) Even after camping, my 14 year old wouldn't shower unless I made him. My friend's 19 year old e-mailed her after he left home, "Did you know that you can wear pants for 42 days without washing them?" EEWWWW.

Really look at what has been going on for about nine months.. How long have you been with the new boyfriend?? When did he move in?? Have you moved to a new house? School? Friends? You think everything is great but SOMETHING is not right with your son. I was the "peace maker" during my parents divorce and I never complained because I didn't want to hurt anyones feelings but it sucks. Any chance he has been abused it sounds like he is trying to make himself unlikeable?? Just a thought don't want to scare you but it happens. Keep searching for answers there is something going on.

The problem I see is within YOU. I tried fixing my "broken family" and pretending it was all good. It was untrue that my children were all happily inlove. They played the part, but they missed Daddy. Basically, the children are watching you "shack-up". no commitment from the boyfriend, etc...fine example for your growing-up man!
We parents want to "fix" kids or target them as the problem. (if only he were fixed, everything would be okay, attitude) I'm glad you're observing him but I urge you to observe yourself. Tell your boyfriend to move out and see how things will change. Your little boy will adquire self-respect, love and be empowered to become a real man with your attention. He won't have to live with your divided attention. Get a shrink for yourself...why do YOUR love needs have to be met first and not your children as a priority? They love their Daddy and deserve to be with you ONLY, and their Dad (albeit far away).

Not to be critical of you, just offering my advice. I would have your child see a urologist and pediatrician. I would also have a talk with your boyfriend 1:1 (just you and him). I would ask him about the possibility of continuing the relationship WITHOUT living together, because you need time to focus on both of your children and help them with the transition of the divorce. Take things slowly with the boyfriend, if not ending the relationship altogether. If things are as amicable with your ex as you state, I would go to him and ask him about the possibility of increasing his visits with both children, if he is not a danger to them. Children need their father. As much as they may love your boyfriend, he is not their father. You need to strive to build a relationship between their father and them and you and them as much as possible. Building a closer relationship with your children may mean that your need to date or be in a relationship takes a back seat for quite some time. That is okay also. You only have one chance to be a good parent for your children during their growing up years. Don't mess it up. Please continue to get short term counseling for yourself and your children to deal with the aftermath of the divorce. The very best of luck to you in this difficult time.

You need to get to the bottom of this ASAP. Something is definitely going on with him, either physically or psychologically. He may seem okay to you - you may think you are all quite happy - but you cannot afford to see the world through rose-colored glasses when you have children. you probably won't consider it, but I think you should not be living with your boyfriend until you get to the bottom of this. How often is your boyfriend alone with your kids? Divorce SUCKS for kids, even when it is amicable. It may just be the trauma of the divorce... but you need to make sure your son is not being abused in any way, and do not rule out your boyfriend just because you feel that you are all "happily in love". Child predators love to seek out single mothers and portray themselves as Mr. Wonderful. It gives them easy access to their prey. Do not discount this possibility just because you are in love!!! Your children must come first. Urge your son to talk to his dad or his counselor if there is something he doesn't want to tell you. And for goodness sake, believe what he says.

My son is only 2 years old, but I've worked with 8 year olds in an informal education setting, and some questions come to mind...

How long have you been divorced?
Has anything changed in either environment that may be disrupting your son's 'regular routine'?
Is your son doing well in school? Any behavioral issues?
What's his relationship like with his father?
Is he generally closer to your boyfriend as a male figure?
Does he generally enjoy his weekends with his Dad?

My questions are not to probe into your life, but regular questions we'd ask in counseling session with parents of kids who display changes in behavior that are not 'normal' for a child.

At 8 years old, 'wetting' can be attributed to many things but, most commonly a disurption to the 'norm'. New person in their lives, stress, new routine, the dropping of an activity, nightmares, fear of loss or new loss, discomfort with activity...the list goes on and on. But, the key thing to do is to try to pinpoint that occurance, and I think it's fantastic that he's seeing someone outside the home. Have you gotten any feedback from the counselor on what the issue might be?

I'm wondering if you've had the opportunity to spend some 'mommy' time with him and see if he responds to that...maybe schedule a lunch or trip to the park. Working with kids my experience has been that they usually open up with a little one-on-one time with the parent who is the primary figure in their lives.

Good Luck.

Is he possibly depressed?
I say this because he doesn't care about his hygiene or if it happens in school.

Also, has medical issues been ruled out? You want to check this route as well.

And, probably the counseling should be for the "divorce" first,
versus for the urine accidents. The pee accidents are probably a secondary issue. "Divorce" can take a LONG LONG time for some kids to overcome. It is also like a "grieving" for some children... a loss. So keep this in mind. My friend, had her 2 kids counseled when she was divorced, and it took 2 years of regular counseling.....for her kids to feel well enough and "balanced" about their life again.

Kids "regress" when they are stressed or suffered a trauma. Urine accidents, at this age, is a "regression."

You mentioned you are divorced, and now have a live-in boyfriend.
How long ago were you divorced? How long ago has boyfriend been living with you all?
Are there any conflicts?

I imagine, your dear son has MANY issues and "problems" and stresses on his plate. A child cannot possibly carry the world on their shoulders. It's great you are providing him with counseling. BUT... if I may... I would suggest the counseling to focus on the divorce transition and his now current living/home-life... this seems like a lot for a child to adjust to. Kids also need to vent... or they get pent-up. Being he is a kind/sensitive soul... perhaps, he just needs more one on one time, with either Parent.

Maybe, just take him out, the 2 of you... and really bond and talk about things, deeply, if possible. Maybe he is "yearning" for something that is missing in his life, or a feeling of emptiness. Usually, sweet/gentle/sensitive souls are very internalized... and they just try to hold the peace, among everyone, even if they themselves are suffering inside. This is a "big" thing for a child to do. Some kids, don't tell their Parents anything either because they don't want to "hurt' their feelings or criticize or seem irritating, or cause trouble. Being he is so "feeling" in personality... I imagine, there is much going on inside him. As they sometimes say, the surface of a calm pond belies a lot of torrent underneath it.

I really hope he does not somehow "blame" himself for the divorce, as many kids do.

ALSO, he is the "eldest" child in this family... this "role" is very h*** o* some children... and they cannot cope with it all and the "expectations" that are put onto eldest children by default. He probably "feels" all this and all these responsibilities upon him... it must be hard for him.

When kids get "distant" and "aloof"....it is this time, at which they need even more attention and comfort and consolation, and understanding. Perhaps, he is feeling marginalized by all that is going on in his life, no matter how "amicable" it all may seem?

Take care, and I wish you and he the best,
Susan

i had the EXACT same situation as yours (minus the daughter)....when my boy was 8yrs old & still having "issues" i invested $100 in a "malem alarm" & the problem was solved within 2 weeks! it was the best money i ever spent on my boy...check them out online

I know what you're going through. My son is also 8 and has had this same problem. He will occasionally soil himself too and try to hide it from me so he won't have to go change.
I would make sure there isn't something wrong physically but chances are it is a physical way to deal with emotional issues.
My son always seems to have the worst problems right after a visit with dad, not because dad is a problem but because he misses him so much and doesn't have the ability to cope with it. Also it gets worse if I am stressed and critical of him. Sometimes it seems there is no real reason.
First speak with his teacher and get him/ her to let him go to the bathroom whenever he wants no consequences. Then come up with rewards for staying clean. My son got ice cream everyday or every other day for weeks until clean and dry was a regular occurrence. Then we moved on to every three days I went to Michaels and bought him a wooden puzzle or vehicle to put together (they are only $1).
Explain to him that it might not be a big deal to him-tell him that's ok-he needs his feelings validated-but that others aren't going to want to be around him if it smells or is gross and then have him change each time. Eventually the time it takes to stop what he is doing and change is more of a nuisance than it is worth.
ABOVE ALL DO NOT LOSE YOUR TEMPER!!!!!!!! You (both of you) have got to be CALM when you are handling this. Let him know that he is not a bad boy because this happens, you just want to help him figure out a better way to not have this happen. Chances are he will be extremely grateful, even if he fights you and it takes a while. He really wants some control and stability in his life and at this point that is just not going to happen. It is a very hard thing to deal with. Assure him that you love him no matter what he does and you are going to support him through this and not ever criticize him for his problems.
It does eventually get better although we do have the occasional flare ups.
Good Luck.

Hi J.,

I would take him to a really good child psychologist right away.........and, also have him checked out medically by a urologist. If you have ruled out medical issues, please do not wait to get him psychological help.

Best wishes

This shows that your son is feeling serious levels of stress if he is reverting to soiling himself at his age. I am glad you are seeking the professional help for him and I hope for your whole family. Family counseling at times like this could be very valuable for you all. You are definitely on the right track with counseling and handling him with gentleness. It's a difficult time for you as well; I hope you have the support you need too.

This is a great place to start your research, but googling the problem and hitting on websites that deal specifically with that problem would probably help even better. There are MANY medical reasons as well as Emotional. I hope that you have taken him to the Dr. to rule out the medical reasons. ie urinary tract infection, a problem with his urethral valve, a small bladder, abnormality in his spinal cord..................... ect.
On the emotional side of things, you already know what could be happening and it sounds like you have already started to deal with it with a counselor. The scientific/medical term is Enuresis. So look that up and start reading. Hopefully you can find a blog with other mom's to talk to. Be sure that you become educated asap about how to deal with it, because you can cause additional serious emotional stress to him in the way that you handle it. He already knows that it is not acceptable and his way of dealing with it is to ignore everyone's reaction. His self-esteem and self-perception is at the greatest risk right now. Not only with his new problem of wetting himself but because of your break-up with his dad. Here are a few links that I found for you to begin with. Good Luck!!!

http://www.childcareonline.co.nz/cms/articles.php?Page=180
http://www.emedicine.com/ped/TOPIC689.HTM
http://dailystrength.org/c/Bedwetting/support-group

Dear J.,
It sounds to me like a visit to the doctor is in order, it could be SO MANY different things, it's hard to say if it's physical, psychological, or both. I think it will be good to discuss things with your Doc that way you can maybe rule out any physical reasons and maybe get some adivice or referal to a psychologist if it seems appropriate. I used to wet the bed as a child and sometimes had accidents at school and even though I tried not to show it, it was devastating to me and very embarrassing, so even though he might not show it your son might be having a difficult time dealing with this issue. So I think it's important to be patient with him and gentle with him, while getting him the help that he needs. I am sure all will turn out fine.
Take Care,
L.

Istead of asking people on the internet , consult his pediatrian ther may be a phisical preblem . former nurse Adaraised children &now have 7 grandchildren.