How to Feel About the Feedback People Are Giving Me About My Third Pregnancy....

Perhaps these people don't mean to be hurtful but there could be several reasons why they are not expressing the joyful reaction you were hoping for.

If these comments are being made by your parents or other people who are getting older, they may feel that having a lot of little ones around is exhausting and they may be worried they will be asked to babysit.

Maybe they are worried about you or your husband losing your jobs in the current economy and fearing that you won't be able to make ends meet with another child.

Or, they may be concerned about human overpopulation. Since you enjoy camping and the out of doors you can probably see how the increasing population can have a negative effect on the quality of life. Our highways are crowded, natural resources are becoming exhausted, open space is dwindling and other species have no place to go when our neighborhoods take over their habitat.

Making even a joking comment in return like "Dad, we thought we'd have 5 more so you could babysit them all" might be a way to open up the dialog so you can understand what concerns are behind the comments.

3 moms found this helpful

I know how you feel. We had a girl and a boy and were expecting our third child. I remember telling my parents, expecting the same level of joy and was sadly disappointed when they responded "Why?" This from my parents who had had 3 children. It took them about a month to get over it as I wasn't asking their permission. My in-laws were snowbirds so we never told them until the baby arrived. When cooler heads prevailed my Mom told me they were concerned over my age, the associated costs with a third child, balancing the whole work and kids as two was challenging and everyone was thriving so why tempt fate? When the baby arrived he was greeted with the same fanfare, love and adulation. I'm not going to tell you it didn't hurt, but don't focus on it. This baby is just as precious, just as awesome as the first two. Enjoy every moment of your pregnancy (there is nothing like that life within you) and the awe, wonder and joy that your three kids are going to bring you all your years!!! Congrats!!!

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Hi, J.--- aren't people foolish sometimes????? How petty to pick at either of you for a welcomed and desired pregnancy!!!!! ( One of my dearest freinds did the same when I was pregnant with my third --- and it was very hurtful) Just know that you are doing what's right- you had no voice in how many children THEY had - and they have no voice in how many YOU have---that's the way it goes.

Surround yourself with people who rejoice with you- and I suspect they'll come around---

Blessings
( there is no greater joy than a baby coming into a family that is delighted to receive 'em)

Old Mom - aka -==J.

2 moms found this helpful

Hi J., sorry that people are hurting you. Just remember that a baby is a precious gift for you not them. They are welcomed to share and for her sake hopefully they will. Just smile, think happy thoughts, and take care of yourself so your baby can grow in a healthy environment. I can't even count how many times my dad has said something so rude and insensitive. He still doesn't get it. S.

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Congrats! I would start the conversation with, "We are EXCITED to annouce that we are pregnant again or that we are having a girl". If you start it with your feelings that might stop a few people from commenting. Of course there will always be those ignorant people who can't keep their mouths shut but hopefully sharing your feelings before giving the news will set the stage for how others should respond. Again, congrats on the new one!

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Hi J.,

I am pregnant with our FOURTH daughter, so I know what you mean! "My gosh, how many are you going to HAVE???" or "Another girl? Your hubby must be soooo disappointed."

As if pregnancy didn't seem to invite enough negative comments (I'm looking at YOU thinks-I'm-having-twins guy!), #3 or #4 adds to the "fun".

Anyway, commiseration aside, here's what I tell people: Yes, we are VERY EXCITED about this pregnancy. We've ALWAYS wanted a big family. Or if you're in the mood for sarcasm, you can tell them you're just disappointed you started late so you won't be able to catch up to the "13 and counting" family.
As for all girls, I can honestly tell them that we are THRILLED and RELIEVED that #4 is a girl. After all, we know how to be parents of girls, we already have the clothes, and they can room together.

Congrats on girl #3!! I love having girls, and I have NO regrets. :D

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I completely understand. Why do people feel the need to do this when we have more than they had or feel is the perfect number. It's our choice for crying out loud. I have 5. The first we took in last year as a teenager, she has truly blossomed since we got her in an environment that treats her with love and corrective discipline rather than control and humiliation. Our 4 biological children are 9,6,4 and 18mo. We got married young and had all our kids 2yr8mo apart. We have always said we wanted 4 kids but that didn't stop my family from saying things like,"you aren't going to have time for more"and"don't you know what causes that" and "oh well, we aren't surprised I mean after all you were trying for another one weren't you". All these things they were talking about and it's funny that they are the ones that were cheapening the 3rd and 4th babies. Not us! We were just as excited about the last as the first and we adore them all and take time each month to spend a special date with each one to make sure no one gets left in the dust. Our oldest and youngest are girls and the two in the middle are boys. My family can't seem to stop favoring the girls and pushing away the boys. Ironic isn't it how when you judge someone for a certain reason that same thing comes back to bite you in the butt. Maybe if they weren't so busy trying to educate me on proper parenting like only having 2.3 children they could appreciate the fact that all our kids are very loving selfless beautiful individual humans that will be an asset to society.

I say you and your husband should have as many as you agree on and can support and let the outsiders flap their gums. You and I are the ones that will have a choice when we get old and need a place to live. :)

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Hi..we have had the same problems with our family members. My dad offered to buy my husband a vasectomy for Christmas!!! We just had our 4th in September, and we always knew we wanted 4. On the other hand, we have had only wonderful comments and support from our family in our church and our former church. That has helped. I never lost excitement about the baby, but I was anxious around my dad. Now, he is in love with our little one (as with all of them). I guess our family's reasoning is somewhat sweet, they want the best for us and for us to have enough to provide. They just don't understand our willingness to sacrifice some level of comfort in order to have a more wonderful gift, another person to love. I think you'll get more support once that baby is born, and I'm sorry you don't have it now. Our family has grown in love with each child, and our children have grown in selflessness and sweetness as our family expands. What could be more important or special than that?

Honestly - I was one of those people that gave my friends a hard time with having 4 kiddos....but I am the oldest of 4 myself. I think that we live in a different world now and society has their mind set that we should only have one or two just to replace ourselves. I would like atleast two maybe three if I am lucky. Don't get me wrong - I fully supported my friends. Anyway - like I said - it's all about what is politically correct by our society. I say if you want 3 kiddos, by golly go for it. If you and your hubby are happy about your addition to the family - then that's all that matters. Your family should eventually get over it and should most likely welcome your new bundle of joy. Good luck and keep smiling. Hugs.

J. - I'm sorry I can't empathize with the family being down on you. In my family, as well as my husband's, it's pretty much expected that 3 is the least you'll have! 4 and 5 is the number all our 6 sisters and brothers have. So please don't feel anything but joy with your third on the way!!!

I have three girls myself, and I had a lot of comments about hoping our third was a boy (we didn't want to find out). My husband, of course, had even more comments from people about finally getting a son. I told people that I thought a boy would be an exciting adventure, but I know girls, I have all the clothes and supplies for girls, so if it's a girl I'll be very happy. (Besides, I came from a family of 4 girls!) My husband always tells people that his girls are all the boy he needs because they fish with him, help him work on the car, and are always quick with their "toilet" and "butt" jokes. (You can imagine how pleased I am with that!)

In short, children are a gift from the Lord, and once your little one arrives and Grandpa/auntie/cousin sees him or her, their criticisms will all be silenced.

Blessings to you!

I understand how you feel. We have 5 girls about 19mos -2 years apart each. We went to the same thing. "Again" "not another one" "Don't you know about birth control" "what if it's another girl". Basically its going to happen. A lot of people just can't imagine themself in the same situation. Just let them know you wanted this and it was your choice. And if you get another girl be as happy as you are. Because you're going to love the baby regardless of gender. Your family will too regardless of their comments now. I know my family was still as thrilled after my fifth was born as they were when my first was born.

I would distance myself from anyone not supportive.
I would say" Oh what a horrible thing to say." and leave. Don't get caught up in their negetives...

People should engage their brain and thier hearts before speaking.

Some people LOVE family life...some people see it as a trap.Good for you congrats to you and your husband!!

First of all--Congrats! I think it's silly that people stress about other people's choice to have a child-- If they are able to provide for them and give them a loving home, more power to them!

I feel for you! My husband and I have always made a point about telling our families that we PLAN on having 3, we're expecting #2 right now... Thankfully, my parents would love us to have as many as possible! My husband's parents are supportive too--but his father (divorced), has expressed great disappointment that we will have two girls and has made rude comments like, "Oh well, at least there will be another W---- (our last name) for a little while" which is ridiculous because not every woman changes her last name if she marries! or "Well, maybe 3rd time's the charm" which is totally rude and disrespectful to our daughter who is two and adores her Grandpa C, and to our yet-to-be-born daughter who will be born to parents and a sister who are delighted, yet a grandfather who is experiencing gender disappointment. So, yes, I do feel pressure on us to have that third child now, and coming from his dad-- I know he really wants it to be a boy. Of course, happy and healthy--that's all that matters.

I also think 4 year olds and 3 year olds will make WONDERFUL big sisters regardless of boy/girl little sibling!! They will be so excited!

Also, perhaps your dad was trying to be funny--but that comment wasn't just insensitive, it was kind of sick...

Ignore the critics! Maybe when you tell people, say that that you've been waiting, but are now extra excited for the arrival of your third child! It might convey that this WAS planned, and that you're just as excited as you were for the first two. As for the gender issue, people will probably ask you long before you might actually know. Just tell that that you don't care and are excited to have the baby on the way. You might even wait to find out until the baby arrives.

I have a sister-in-law that accidentally got pregnant with her third, fourth, and fifth! Most of which was not really her fault entirely. Things like her doctor not being clear that nursing was not 100% birth control, not telling her that antibiotics cancel out birth control, and missing a pill. She was afraid to tell my family, and rightly so. They made mean comments and sarcastic comments. By the time she got to the fifth one, she refused to tell anyone until the end. You just have to be selective in who you talk to about it. Talk to people that are uplifting, supportive, and kind. Those that make mean comments ought to just be ignored or avoided. Make sure that you counter every negative conversation with an uplifting one with a friend.
I personally would make sarcastic comments like "if you don't like your grandkids, no one is forcing you to be with them", just to make them feel bad or understand that their comments are hurtful. That isn't the best option though. The best way to handle your dad would be to tell him how you feel and just keep telling him that he got to choose what he did in his life, and you and your husband get to decide to to run your life.

I haven't got any experience with this. I'm surrounded by people who believe that children are a gift from the Lord. In fact, my husband and I want four or five children ourselves. So be comforted that there are more of us out here, and you are very right to be excited.

J.,

We cannot ever change other people, how they react to us or what they say to us so my advice to you would be to ignore what anyone else thinks or says about your third pregnancy. There's a quote out there but I don't know the person who said it that describes the attitude exactly you need to take on this, "What other people think of me is none of my business."

If you place importance on how others feel about this pregnancy you will surely be disappointed and if you allow it to affect you then you are giving your power away to people who's opinion of your having a third child doesn't matter anyhow. In my opinion there are really only two people who's opinions count in this situation...yours and your husbands. Having this child is your decision, it's your life and your child so if I were you I'd be as happy as I possibly could be regardless of who thinks/says what.

When I was pregnant with my first child my mother told me right up to when I was in labor that she didn't think I should be having a baby. Thank goodness I didn't allow her attitude to affect me otherwise having a child would've been a very negative experience for me.

Don't let the opinions of others guide you through life because if you do you'll never travel your own path for your own reasons.

Good luck to you.

Regards,
C.

I'm sorry to hear that family is saying such hurtful things.I can't imagine what would make them say such things.My mom "nagged" me for years about when I was going to have a baby (hs sweetheart & I lost 2) and then when my ex and I were expecting after trying for 2 yrs she didn't seem excited or anything.She was just like "ok, now what?" type of attitude.I was hurt and even mad at her for some time because she was so careless with how she made us feel when she had supported us thru the whole 2 yrs we had trouble convieving.I hope that those who are saying hurtful things to u come around and realize that your baby is a precious gift.Good luck :) *hugs*

I am sorry...I hate that people think it's ok to comment on the reproductive choices of another. We have triplets (1boy and 2 girls) and everyone likes to comment on how nice it is to get it done in one shot. They look at me like I have a second head when I tell them we plan o try for one more in a year or so. I just tell them in a no if's and's or but's way that it is our call and it's not open for comments. I guess the only thing you can do is make it clear that you are very happy about this baby whatever it may be and that you don't care for any negative comments.

My favorite phrase is "stupid people annoy me" - the people making hurtful comments are just that, stupid. I have 4 kids, & get all sorts of looks & comments - my dad was the first to ask when we were expecting #3 - "you're done now, right?" - We adore our children & you should just look at yours to put the smile back on your face - there are always going to be people who make rude comments. Congrats on #3!!!! It is so much fun & i think it was easier haveing #3 than #2, cuz the first two can entertain eachother when you are tending to your new baby!

I would personally treat most of the comments very lightly. Here are some ideas:

* Well, you know the average number of children per American family is 2.5. We're trying to help the average.

* Oh, I'm so excited about this one. We're not planning on having any more, so I'm really going to enjoy this pregnancy.

* (Once you are sure it's only one) Hey, at least it's not twins!

Seriously, I wish people would get a life! Whoever decreed that families should have only 2 kids? I'm trying to head off such comments now. My family knows that my husband and I both want to have more kids. Of course, with #2 being less than 3 months, it won't be for a bit yet, but still, I want more. I can't imagine only having 2! When people say, "Well, isn't that nice! You've got a boy and a girl!" I say, "Yes, it's a good start. Now I'll have clothes for whatever the next one happens to be." Or something like that.

I think your dad was VERY out of place, and you should have told him so. If he'd offered to pay for a vasectomy I think I would have said thanks, but we're done anyhow. But if MY dad said something like that about MY husband, I would have really been mad, and he would have known it!

Anyhow, you and your husband wanted this baby. You planned for it. You worked for it. It took time, but you got it. Forget what everyone else says and enjoy your pregnancy and baby!

Ummmm. Who cares? If this is what you want then be happy about it. Unless your family is supporting you, then it doesn't get to tell you what to do anymore. If you are not a "family in need", then have as many children as you can provide and care for.

When they say something, respond with something like, "My husband and I are so happy to welcome our 3rd child. We always knew that we wanted 3 children in our family!" Gush happily about your pregnancy and how excited your children are that they will have another sibling.

If they continue to make little comments, remind them that they have already shared their opinion and that they could stop sharing now. Enjoy this pregnancy and prepare (happily) for your newest addition! Congratulations to you and your family.

Hi J.,
I have 5, and I've had plent of impolite comments. Generally I choose to ignore it. I don't think people are really meaning to hurtful. My Dad's first comment on our first was, "oh no...oh". I've never forgotten, and sometimes I tease him about it. It really isn't others' business how many children you have, as long as you are loving them and doing you best to provide for them. And I don't mean you need to be wealthy. Some people keep having babies, but let or expect others to raise them! I believe each child is a gift from God and I wouln't turn of them away. I can be difficult in this two child, two car country we live in. But someone needs to break away from the trend!

Good luck to you, and just try to let the comments go. They are usually not meant to be hurtful. It's just ignorance, and difference in beliefs.

Congratulations!

A mother's heart expands to treasure and love each and every precious angel she is given. One would think the same of grandparents, but maybe not. It is your family and it sounds like you and your husband have plenty of love to go around. What's up with the pocket knife comment? Was grandpa planning on putting them all through college himself? Tell them to think of all the money you'll be saving by having another girl, and not having to go out and buy a bunch of boy stuff. Think of how lucky your girls are that both of them get to experience being a big sister! Tell them its none of their business, you thought it was cause it is their family too, but if they are not going to be supportive, and they don't need to be kept informed. Tell them they are the best grandparents in the world! Tell them whatever you need to to maintain your sanity. I think you are wonderful for bringing another angel to earth. Enjoy it! You may be outnumbered, but the big girls can look after the little ones, at least sometimes. Have fun, have faith, and best wishes.

*hugs*

I'm so sorry people are making such thoughtless, hurtful comments to you.

I've no advice for you, other than to tell people their comments are not nice, and to mind their own business.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Well I'm sorry but I just think that's tacky. Since when is three kids a humongus family? I would just say, "Well, WE are thrilled!" And I think you already put the other thing perfectly: "We are confident that we've been given the gender we were meant to raise -- and we're thrilled!"

J....
Yep, I hear that! I got the same thing! This is where it is cool to remember that it doesn't matter what they think...it is your life to lead.

Just wanted to stop by and say 3 is great! Congrats to you and yours!!!

I always wanted 3 and have loved every minute of it!

K.

Hmmm...you got me. I'm not sure I understand why they wouldn't be happy. You didn't say anything about being laid off or that you are in fact, 55 years old or your children are coming out with horns on them or that your husband keeps them up in the attic because he's an avid fan of VC Andrews....so I guess all you can say is, "Thank you so much for being happy for us," in a pointed matter and put it out of your head. Just because they couldn't imagine handling three children doesn't mean they know what you're capable of. Congratulations by the way!

Hi J.;

I agree with Vicki G. Sometimes, the comments are made because of an inner fear. Maybe they are afraid of being asked to babysit or maybe they watch the kids during one of your shifts now and they struggle to keep up with them.

Maybe they've heard some stories from your line of work and they are concerned about your and your baby's health.

There could be the fear of finances on their part. If they are generous during celebrations they may be concerned with being able to maintain that gift-giving level and still not break the bank (yes, I had a friend whose parents were concerned about not being able to afford enough gifts - in the end everyone is much happier. Grandparents because the cost is down and mom and dad because they aren't swimming in the toy pool anymore).

The end comment that Vicki G made in regards to throwing a joke out to break the ice is a fantastic one. I was thinking the same thing right before I read her comment. A lot of times that can aleviate the burden of the comment with a few laughs and get them to bring up something that may be the underlying cause for their concern.

Now after all that: CONGRATULATIONS! Gender wise...who cares! It's your child and you're going to love that child just as much as the first two. I have five boys, I still get comments like "No girls! Are you going to try for one?" or "Don't you wish you had at least one girl?" To both of those I always reply "Nope, besides I wouldn't know what to do with a girl after all these boys. I don't know how to do anything that's not rough-and-tumble, messy, loud, and (at times) Ewwwww inducing." So if you have another little girl make sure you come up with a line for "Are you going to try for a boy?" Then you can tell them all the great things about girls.

p.s. I'm not being mean about the gender thing there, both genders have wonderful qualities, sometimes you have to point those out to the people who think it's so sad that you don't have any girls or boys. I really don't care, I have 5 healthy children.