How to Deal with Rude Moms at School

If there's one thing I would do differently myself (other than homeschooling from the get-go) in all the years my sons were in school, it would be to not worry whatsoever about other moms' thoughts, actions, or implications.

You will look back on this and wonder why you cared.

Just stay nice, positive and cheerful. Don't share too much either.

JMO.

I have a life that is full of challenges and stress. I often see parents at school who smile and nod to say hi or something like that. I often take a moment to try and visit but it is hard for me sometimes. I try to minimize the interactions sometimes too because I have so much to get done that I can't visit even for a few minutes.

Maybe they have something pressing on their minds and don't even know you are there.

thank you for writing this - I often feel this way too and have wondered about it from time to time. It was helpful to read everyone's comments!

or you could just be polite regardless and don't worry about what they're doing or not doing.

as a pretty shy, introverted person, i may have a nice conversation with a stranger, then a month later see them again, and feel awkward about saying hi. they don't really "know" me - we had a polite conversation due to the circumstance. i will force myself to make eye contact and smile, but if it is very chaotic, i.e. dropoff at school or my son is asking me a dozen questions, i may not. my brain doesn't work on multitasking very well. so don't take it personally. maybe they are going through things you have no idea about. don't assume they're being rude.

I'm not sure what you are seeing, but here's what I'm seeing in the last few weeks--

My son started kindergarten this year. After some nice conversations with parents during the summer get-togethers, some of the parents don't really chat or say hi. Why? Because they are all business, getting their kids into classes, settled in, dealing with younger sibs and then going off to work. I mean, these parents are hustling to get moving along with their day.

What I did was find one really nice mom (who says "hi" to me maybe 40% of the time because she's appropriately focused on her children) and give her our number, 'for playtimes and fun or just coffee for grown-ups' and left it at that. We met for tea yesterday and had a great time.

I think it's pretty easy to be offended by people not saying hi if you take it personally. I'd rather someone not say hello to me if they aren't interested or don't have time for it. I just smile at everyone, remain approachable, and leave it that. Not everyone has to like me for *me* to be likeable. If I'm standing next to someone who's looking at me, I just give a 'hey, how's it going?' or "hows (their child's name) doing?" If they still look at me like I grew two heads-- well, that's their problem, not mine. :)

Adansmama said it well: focus on the person YOU want to be, do not let their reactions change who you are.

Unless they are outright glaring at you, they are just preoccupied.

Examine your behavior objectively,

maybe they don't want to get trapped havign a 20 min converstation about what your little Jenny did to the dog last night. but their kid does like yours so they are ok with playdates

You are reading too much into it. Some days I feel like chatty Cathy, and some days I wish I was invisible.
I also do not assume that a mom I chatted with last year at a party will always remember me or that she owes me something.
Granted, I do not care who it is, complete stranger on the road, if the say "Hi" to me, I will for sure say hi back. That would be pretty rude.
Some people feel like they dont have time for new friends and is not the reason they attend school functions or plan play dates. They do it for their kids.
Some people are looking for friends, some people arent, some people lack social skills.
All in all, do not let this bother you.

I also think you shouldn't take it personally. Sometimes after a nice chat, the next time I see someone I just don't know what to say to them.

That sort of "opening" that may have been there the previous time isn't there and I just don't know what to say. Not only that, smiling and waving is a little awkward too without going over to greet someone.

I'm in the same boat you are. I stand with the other moms at the after school pick up spot, I volunteer for the classroom and I help organize the class holiday parties, as well as a girl scout leader. So I'm also running into the same women all the time.

I decided this year (and this is very hard for me because I often can't get out of my own head), I'm going to stop trying to figure the other women out and after I've met them and chatted with them once, I'm going to greet them as though they are friends already. I make a point to remember their name after I've met them (again, hard for me to do) and if I can't I wing it. Instead of "Hi Jane, how are you?" I just leave their name out.

I'm going to do this until I get some clear reaction from them that conversation with me is not wanted (or I don't want to talk to them anymore), then I won't.

Sounds corney, but send out into the world what you want to be sent back to you and you may just get it. So far so good for me.

I agree with the other moms that said not to take it personally. The other moms are like you and have a million things going on. Keep on saying hi and smiling at people, if that's what you do normally.

And I see no reason to not volunteer at school. Please, please reconsider! The school needs you. The kids need you, and you'll meet a whole bunch of people that will really appreciate you! I've met some really great moms that turned into great friends through volunteering.

So, even if there are some crabby Patty's hanging around in the parent pick up zone, just ignore them and move on.

First of all, Stop waiting for people to be nice to you. Look around for another mom that looks alone. Maybe she's brand new. Maybe her English is poor. Maybe her clothes are poor and she's embarrassed. Maybe her child has problems and few play dates. There has to be other moms who are not chatting with the "mean girls" Be the mom who seeks out the other moms not in the clique, the shy, quiet, new, moms, or the moms like me that only rarely do drop off, or pick up or volunteer.
2nd: I may not be en expert since I started working full time when my eldest hit Kindergarten, but I thought volunteering at your child's school was about helping out the school, not a social outlet for moms. Do it for your kids sake, and do it for the kids whose parents can't or don't.

Not knowing more of the situation, I wonder if you're feeling a little too sensitive. This sort of thing happens to me all the time. Sometimes moms are distracted, feeling shy, not sure they remember your name, or perhaps they would say hi, but because you're feeling a little awkward, maybe they are as well. I know there are times when I want to say hi, but the eye contact isn't there or I feel like the other person isn't interested in saying hi to me. I would say, don't get discouraged. Continue to reach out and be friendly. There's one mom in our school who came from out of state -- she's tall and really strikingly beautiful. She was no shrinking violet -- she says hi to absolutely everyone, and now, everyone knows who she is, whether they've spent time with her or not. And because she always initiates the greeting, people always say hi back. You can do the same thing. Go for it!

Why are you taking it so personally? In my experience, I have found that the mom's you are feeling this way about, actually feel the way you do, about you sometimes. Have you tried to take the initiative with those you do know and have spent time with. I have found, in my daughters' circles, that I tend to take that attitude on subconciously, about moms I don't really like. I make the effort for the ones I do like or have extended themselves first. You be the extendor, with the mom's of your daughters besties. Give them the opportunity to know you. Always say good morning, or hey how are you and chat. Eventually you get to weed out the nice moms and the not so nice moms. Funny how it doesn't end in HS and for our kids right? And by all means, volunteer, get to know the rest of the moms better. That's how you would make friends right? Good luck.

I've chatted with a mom who I haven't chatted with again because we haven't had the time. I'm running my kid in late and I'm sick and maybe it's more a matter of location than it is liking or disliking you. So I'd just be polite and take my kid in and unless they're really rude, just let it roll. I'd like to know some of the parents better, but honestly I'm not looking for friends at preschool. I'm also an introvert and find it hard to talk chit chat with people so something like a playdate or volunteer hour would give me a commonality to start with.

I would base your volunteering on whether or not you want to do it, not who you might do it with. See how it goes.

Are they acting as if they don't know YOU, or are they not socializing with ANYBODY? That is an important distinction.

For instance, on the field trip, the parents should not be talking to each other most of the time. If you are there to chaperone, then you are there to chaperone, not socialize. Did you try to talk while the kids were otherwise occupied, and didn't need direct supervision, like during lunch or after they had boarded the buses?

And at drop-off time, well that's just hectic. Try just the head nod or half wave or something that indicates you are greeting and acknowledging them, but not trying to chat. I never have time to chat at drop-off - it's more important to get the kiddo to class on time. However, after I have gotten my kid to class on time, if I have a minute, I will wait outside for the friend I saw to come out, too, and we can talk while we walk to our cars - just because I am a SAHM, doesn't mean my friends are - they are on their way to work, and I respect that. i always get better conversations at pick-UP time, while we are all outside the doors waiting for the kids to come out. (After the kids come out, though, all bets are off!)

Based on what you've told us, it sounds more circumstantial, than personal. The timing is just bad.

When I have worries like this, most of my own discomfort comes from trying to mind-read other people. I really can't know what they're thinking, or not thinking. I can't know if they're enduring a migraine, or worrying about a family emergency, or running late, or simply daydreaming. I once had a man comment on my "angry" scowl. Took me by surprise to notice my eyebrows were knotted. I had a headache and had just come out of bright sunlight; I was still squinting.

Maybe another person did decide, after our friendly chat yesterday, that they want nothing to do with me. It's a rather extreme interpretation of what's happening in this moment, but that's their business. I don't have the time or interest in getting hung up on it.

Or, maybe they're people who function like me. I don't have good facial recognition. If I have a nice conversation with someone standing in line at the bank, I probably won't be sure it's the same person if I see her three hours later picking up her son after school. I have to have interacted with someone at least a few times before I can reliably recognize them. And I will have to hear their names a few times, too. This is so embarrassing for me that I will often avoid eye contact just in case somebody is bothered by my memory problem.

I don't think two rude behaviors EVER cancel each other out. What I would do is continue to be polite and friendly. It will usually give better results in the long run. Meanwhile, be patient, and take care of yourself. I hope you find answers that help you. And I hope you keep volunteering, for your sake and the kids'.

I experienced this too at our former school. I finally quit talking to those who only sometimes responded. I did find if you call her by name when saying hello, they usually respond. It is NOT about you but about them.

Don't take it personal. She could be having a bad day or just be mentally preoccupied. They sound like fair weather acquaintances . They don't sounds like real friends, just moms of your child's classmates. You cant be friends with every one. Stop speaking to them, but keep in mind that there acknowledgement of your presence should not make or break your day. Play dates do not seal relationships.

Honestly, I see this ALL the time, everywhere.. Why? I am not sure, probably people is too preoccupied or busy, or they are not interested in forming a new friendship, and think that just saying hello, they get kind of involved or are expected to reciprocate.....who knows!
Keep being the way you are, smile and be friendly....
*****I am speechless, how intense or upset get some people about this topic(?)***

People seem to feel really comfortable coming up to me and talking to me most of the time. When I'm happy or feeling well, I smile and don't realize it. I've been told that I'm very approachable, typically.

However, when I'm in a lot of pain, not feeling well, or I'm in a bad mood, I have a really bad bitchface. I don't have to tell anyone what I'm thinking and people either stay away from bitchface or they come and ask me what's wrong with grave looks of concern.

I try not to place my insecurities and read into things that are probably not there onto other people. They don't need my baggage. And a lot of the time, more likely than not someone I hoped would come talk to me didn't notice me. Not to mention, I didn't make the effort to get their attention or go over to see them.

I think you have to "accept" it honestly. I see this too all the time in the waiting room three times per week in my child's Tae Kwon Do classes-and other events. I saw it when my oldest was in daycare and K4 too. Sometimes people are chatty, sometimes not. Sometimes they're friendly at school and then you see them in the grocery store and they look terrified if you say hi. I always make eye contact and smile or nod, even if I don't feel like "chatting" every day, but not everyone does. Sometimes a person I had a long chat with will come and go with no glance my way....honesty, I don't mind at all. I know they don't mean anything personal by it and it doesn't "hurt" me. You can still always be nice. Just try not to feel let down that not everyone is that way. To be honest, I sort of like that "code" because it keeps thing causal. I would get sort of overwhelmed and scared if everyone had to be fully engaged every time we met up....but I get it, I don't know why people can't at least do the "friendly nod" sometimes. it's just the way it is I guess.

Don't take it personally. You don't know what type of day THEY are having. I've been guilty of the same thing. I didn't know I was being rude. Last year I had my 7 yr old's birthday party. I was chatting with the moms I knew well and barely to the mom of my daughter's classmate, who I barely knew. She's thin, beautiful, fashionable and I felt like I didn't have anything in common with her. So while I wasn't trying to avoid her, maybe that's how she took it. Because at the end of the party, she left in a huff, pretty upset.

UGH! I'm so sorry! I had no idea I was being rude. I was just being clueless.

I'm a little reserved and I don't walk around with a huge hello smile on my face all the time. I wish I did, but that's just not me.

I find it very difficult to make new friend's (get to know people) at my kid's school. But I volunteer a lot because it's important for me to chip in and help when I can, for the betterment of all. Funny thing, now that I'm volunteering more, I'm getting to know more people, which I love.

Don't get offended about how other people are or how you think they are (making mountains out of mole hills). That's on them. Don't make it your burden.

THE BAIT OF SATAN: HOW TO DEAL WITH THE TRAP OF OFFENSE
by John Bevere
This book totally help me forgive certain people and not be offended ALL the time (not that I ever was, but were grudges I was holding).
Read the Amazon reviews. Really eye-opening.

Be yourself. Be friendly. Be nice, despite the reactions of other people.

Have them all for lunch

Stop over analyzing it & thinking they're out to get you.

You need play hardball. By that I mean be busy. When you go pick up your kids you dont waive at these moms o make a big scene. Just a nod of a head or smile that say hi I see you then go back to being busy. Bring a book to pick up the kids. Mess with your cell phone etc.