Hi Moms,
I've been a WAHM for a while, and a SAHM while I look for a job. I haven't been able to participate in playgroups, don't have kids in school, etc. so I'm not really "plugged in" with any moms in the area. Where I live, my close neighbors are older, or their kids are older so no preschool pals close by.
So I went to the park with my son the other day. It's been a while since we've been there - weather's been cold, etc. It was just after school was letting out so moms were starting to show up. There was a group of 3-5 moms that gradually gathered with their kiddos. All the kids, including mine, were playing together. Unfortunately, my son was having more fun than I was. They made NO effort to include me in their conversation at all.
I am social by nature and have NO problem talking to anyone. I believe I was friendly, but not pushy - I didn't want to insert myself into their conversations, because their conversations were all group specific. I figured it would be rude to throw my 2 cents into a non-generic conversation.
I talked to my hubby about this and he thought I was expecting too much, that it wasn't rude or cliquish, but I felt like it was. If someone were at the park and their kid was playing with mine, even if I were with friends, I would chat with them, introduce myself, etc. But again, that's my nature.
Am I expecting too much? If not, (I'm going to rant now LOL) what the heck is up with people? They say "what's wrong with kids today", but if the parents model this type of behaviour, why is anyone surprised?
Thanks! Just had to ask and blow off a little steam.
Thanks Moms! I think my natural outgoingness can skew expectations a bit. I wasn't really looking to be "included in their fun" per se, but there wasn't even really much "hi, how old's your son, etc." small talk so it felt kinda weird. I'll just chalk it up to different social styles :) Thanks for helping me get some perspective.
I, generally (in situations like that) will introduce myself after saying, 'excuse me' and offer a hand for a handshake. If they still don't take any notice, then too bad for them and their snottiness!
Those moms probably know each other and either met up there, or they have been around each other several times and have gradually built up a friendship.
If you continue to go to the park and see familiar faces, it will become easier to become integrated. I really don't think they were being rude purposefully, probably just caught up with their own clique.
For me, I rarely talk to other people at the park, if ever I do, it's usually about our kids and we are usually there alone and that's about it. And I'm not a clique-y person anyways and could never introduce myself to a gaggle of women who are already talking, and would frankly find it odd if someone approached me if I was in a circle of friends chatting.
I think if one of those moms were there by herself with her children, she would have likely been more open to striking up a conversation. But it sounds like they had some prearranged playdate or meeting after school.
I've seen the same thing happen when I'm out for the night, waiting for a friend to show up. If there's someone else hanging out at the bar, we might start chatting. But as soon as their friends arrive, they have others to talk with.
If I were you, I'd politely interrupt them when no one is talking and ask if they meet there regularly and if you could join them. Even if they say no, you asked. If you're looking for "mom friends" check out a local playgroup or YMCA. Sorry you felt snubbed.
I think you are a bit. From their point of view, they may all look forward to getting together briefly and talking bc the rest of their day is all about somebody else/the kids. I've been in their shoes and sometimes it's just so nice to be with friends/people I know well that I'm selfish and want to enjoy that time without having to include someone new that will alter the entire tone of the conversation - especially if time is limited. Maybe I have something specific I want to discuss or catch-up on with them or one friend. And if you haven't seen them before, they haven't seen you so maybe they figure they'll never see you again so why alter their get-together? I think if it happened a couple of times and they still never made an effort to include you while you were friendly to them, it'd be time to start getting annoyed.
I understand what you're saying because I've been in your position. I take my son to Toddler Gymnastics, and it seems like everyone goes with their friends except me, and I'm the odd person out. It can be uncomfortable, but I do get it, because when I go out with my good girlfriend and her son to the park or whatever, I'm there to be with my kids, my girlfriend, and her son. I'm not really there to chat with people I don't know. It's my social time with my friend. I wouldn't be rude to a lone mother, and I might even smile at her and ask her how older her child is - maybe, depending on the circumstances. But I wouldn't invite her to join us. It's really hard to make friends as a SAHM, so I wish you luck!
I never had much luck in that kind of situation either. The only time I ever chatted with other moms at the playground was when we were both alone. In defense of them though...I will have to say that when I get together with my friends at the park we don't really include a lone mom either. We say hi and make little chit chat but mostly we talk amongst ourselves, happy for the chance to do so in peace. I don't think those other moms meant anything by it. They were just probably catching up and since they did not know you it would have been awkward b/c they were talking of things that you were not involved with. I have had better luck when the other moms were from my kids school or in the neighborhood and then we had a common ground for me to chime in.
Most people are naturally introverted and tend to stick with people they know. Their intention is not to be rude, they just don't know what to say to strangers. So yes, you are expecting too much. Next time if you'd like to talk with them go introduce yourself and ask a question like, "How old are your children? My Timmy is two." That will get the ball rolling.
I agree with you completely. Sometimes I won't insert myself into someone else's conversation. BUT, if I do feel I have something to add I might. I've learned that if I wait for people to come and talk to me, they usually won't. I'm not outgoing by nature and it's easier for me to stay off to the side and just concentrate on my kids. But that's really not always the best and I try sometimes to be more outgoing.
I think people really just don't think.
If my daughter is playing with someone's child, I will immediately introduce myself, my child and her age... then ask theirs. You may be social, but you have to put yourself out there first - like self advertising. If they aren't polite or friendly back... then withdraw from their negativity and sit someplace where you can supervise your child and make sure all the kids are playing well together.
Hang in there, going to a SAHM would be such a challenge for me. I applaud you for taking the leap and proactively looking for good social outlets!
I am so sorry you felt this way, but I do feel it was asking a bit much of a group of complete strangers to include you into their activity.
How would you feel if you were out to lunch with your spouse/ mom/ friend and someone just plopped down and said, "hey, I'm Joe. i overheard you talking about XYZ and these are my thoughts on the topic. What's for dessert? Want my number? We should do this again!" LOL!
I know you did not do this, but it is odd to expect much more than an introduction or a few vauge, yet polite, comments at the park. social norms are social norms regardless of how outgoing you are.
Now, if they were parents you typically see or in your child's class, etc - RUDE! but that didn't seem to be the case.
I ditto the comments of finding friends at the Y or through another structured activity (MOPS) with kiddos close to your child's age are ideal to start building your own social circle.
look at it this way, they were with 'friends' so they didn't have the need to be social to you. You should have introduced yourself. I usually do that all the time. But I also have people start up a conversation with me. It just depends on what your needs are. Don't be shy. Ask a question or just say hi. It's an ice breaker.
please don't take this the wrong way, but why didn't you introduce yourself anyway? I'm only saying that because you are a social person by nature. Sure they could have and probably should have introduced themselves to you. I'm not in a playgroup, or have time for one. I'm a little shy, reserve by nature until I get to know you and then I won't shut-up. I've found myself in your situation, I usually just smile at one of the other mothers or the group if my child starts playing. If they talk to me, I'll talk back. I don't get offended if they do or don't. I'm at the park for my child, I'm not there to make new friends, if it happens, good, but if not, oh well. My child is having fun and that's why I came.
Who knows what was going through their heads? I would let it go. If you see them again, introduce yourself and make the effort first. Some people don't know how to meet people and make friends. It sounds like it comes naturally to you---don't worry about their response. I don't think it was intentional or cliquish. Good Luck!
Molly
