How to Deal with Bridezilla???

It is unfortunate the spot you have been put in. You have to decide what you are willing to go through emotionally and financially for this. Other posters are right that the conversation should begin with your brother. I agree somewhat with others that this is the bride's day, BUT, her behavior is still unacceptable and there is no excuse for it. If you can get the same dresses cheaper and she will not allow it, that is ridiculous. Her asking you to be able to know about the kids clothing now is unreasonable. Yes, it is her day, but she cannot be given a pass for behaving this way and being so overly controlling and insensitive. The fact that she is refusing to talk to you now because you brought up the truth and facts about finances tells me she is way out of control. She should be willing to listen and work with you if she truly wants all of you in the wedding and should understand what a huge commitment you are willing to go through for her special day.

1 mom found this helpful

WOW! Love your first line....very funny! I'm sure you know what your family will be discussing, at every family function, holiday...etc... from now until next year! Is this your ONLY sibling and is that why you accepted the invitation for your WHOLE family to participate in the wedding????? It's gonna cost you a pretty penny to have ALL OF YOU in the wedding party - I'm sure I don't have to tell you that.

Couple of thoughts here: Regarding your husband....it's a year away. Does he REALLY need to be part of the wedding party? (Makes more sense for you to be part of it sister/brother) just to save money.

Children and sizes: Don't buy a dress for your daughter and give actual sizes for your kids....noboby should expect you to do this a year in advance. Just think you are setting yourself up for failure. 3 - 4 months in advance, is much more reasonable. Also, the tuxedo rental place may offer a "free kid's tux" to the bride and groom (did that for my son who was a ring bearer.) I would definitely ask that question and see if that savings can be passed along to you - I think it may depend on how many tuxes are rented.

Bridesmaid's dresses: Consider having someone make them for a fraction of the price. I did this for my wedding way-back-when. Trust me, if a professional seamstress is making dresses, this person can have a world of influence on a bride when it comes to a "particular person" in the wedding party who they may not look flattering in a particular style, and the seamstress may be able to guide them to something else or alter a dress so that the material is the same-but style is slightly different. Alterations at a boutique or Bridal shop can be very expensive.

Down payments: If you have to go w/ a down payment for dresses, tuxes, etc......does it have to be the whole amount? Right before the holidays???? It really is a bit insensitive for her to expect a family to come up with so much money so early in the planning. And to book tuxes a year in advance? WHY? It's a rental store! Has your brother jumped in and given any help in resolving this???? It really sounds like a financial burden to your family (and you haven't even given a gift yet for the wedding or for any of the umpteen showers that you will attend or help plan!)

WOW! Really good luck. Hopefully when the novelty of the planning wears off a bit, she'll come to her senses.

1 mom found this helpful

Well that doesn't sound fun at all:(In regards to the tuxes you don't have to get them until next year , seriously. The brides maid and flower girl dresses are ordered early because this is the same season they are getting married in so you want to do it now before the summer stuff comes out again and they are discontinued. I would call the dress shop and find out how much it is to order the dress. You normally pay some when it's ordered and the balance when you pick it up and have alterations. They don't normally have them done until a months before the wedding . I would let your brother know that the dresses and shoes are a little expensive. We bought our girls their shoes and purses. the dresses were $200 so I didn't want anyone to go broke being in our wedding.Since your whole family is in the wedding it is costing you a fortune . Maybe your brother will see that and help out a bit. If not you probably have to just put up with it for his sake. Not fun but better than causing a war. Have you thought about just having the kids be in the wedding and not you and your hubby? I would talk to you brother about it if you think he would be ok with it. Most people have single people in their wedding.My husbands family has a rule , once you are married you don't have to be in the weddings :)Good luck !

1 mom found this helpful

Oh, I feel your pain!

You are definately NOT being unreasonable. Talk to your brother first. I think it's great that they've asked your entire family unit to be in the wedding, however, I don't think it would be rude or unappreciative to decline a child or two, or you or hubby to keep costs down. Maybe they'd prefer it that way but just didn't want to leave anyone out? Start with your brother and go from there before you're all miserable. Good Luck!

oh man, that sounds like a complete nightmare! if that was my situation, i would want to cry. first of all, she sounds very out of touch with reality... the ordering of the kids' clothes already makes that clear... who knows what size they will need! that is just silly. secondly, the fact that she wont shop around and try to get a better deal on dresses for the women standing up for her is pretty selfish and not very considerate.. especially with the way things are right now... everyone is broke! apparently not her, but everyone else is. I dont think you can back out of the wedding, that is just asking for a huge huge neverending problem.. if she is taking this all so seriously and has it planned to the smallest detail like this, there is no way she will ever get over that and your brother will likely pay a big price in your decision as well. if you are close with your brother, you need to get him alone and tell him all of these things. if they are open with each other, he should be able to show her some of the concerns that the bridesmaids have, as i am sure you arent the only one feeling this way. i cant imagine not having a say in the dress and shoes i would be wearing, that is just really not very nice of her. its one thing to have your day be special and maybe the way you always pictured it, but when people are spending a lot of money and you definitely are with your whole family involved, yikes... she needs to step back and think about the PEOPLE more and the SHOW less. im sorry this is so stressful, what a pain in the butt. i still say you cant back out, i dont think you should consider that an option unless you really arent that close with your brother or his fiance. If you really need to back out, i would talk to your brother and make it financial... tell him that yu are worried you wont be able to afford all of this and you wish there was another way to make it less expensive, ask him to talk to her and see what they can do, if anything. If she isnt willing to budge on anything, I guess she is more into the wedding day and less into the relationships that will come from the marriage ad that would be sad.. but thats her choice.. which might be a little red flag for your brother by the way :o) GOOD LUCK! im dying to know what happens... keep it posted!

Is it more important for you to be in your brother's wedding, or your husband? The reason I ask, is that maybe just one of you could be in it, and then maybe not all of your kids (I'm assuming one will be the ringbearer and another the flower girl?) Just because this is family, doesn't mean that you all have to be in the wedding. When my sister in law got engaged, I was nine months pregnant. She asked me to be a bridesmaid, and initially, I told her I would. But then we started going dress shopping, and shoe shopping, and I thought "How expensive is this going to be?" And I was going to have a 5 month old baby, and how was I going to nurse my son while I was wearing that dress? Anyway, I told her that I was really sorry, but that being a bridesmaid would be too much of a hardship for me at that time, and that I really NEEDED to step down. (My husband was also a groomsmen.) This was before she ordered the dresses so I didn't feel that bad about it. My mother in law laid a guilt trip on me, saying that she would pay for my dress and shoes if that would help. I told her that I had made up my mind and that was the end of it. My sister in law and I are still friends and she had a beautiful wedding. She wound up asking her younger cousin to fill in for me and everything worked out just fine. Is there someone else she can ask to fill your place? Are there other ways you could help make their wedding a success, without spending that much money on clothes that you will never wear again? I agree that you should talk to your brother first about how crazy she is making you. Maybe he has some ideas on how to handle her. It sounds like she is not being reasonable at all, and maybe your brother could talk some sense into her. Please keep us posted as to how it turns out and good luck!

You might just need to back out of the wedding. If your emotions and finances are stretched so thinly, it might be your only option.

While I 100% get it that she is asking a lot and many of the issues you cite would frustrate me terribly as well, it is her wedding and not yours. Would you want someone else telling you what you're supposed to do on your wedding day? When it comes to the bridesmaid dresses it is ultimately her choice. Ideally she would be reasonable and sensitive to her bridesmaids but it doesn't seem like this is the case here. I agree with you that $250 might seem like a lot to spend on a dress, so if you cannot afford that plus the tuxes and whatnot you might just need your brother to explain it to her. A simple "while we would be thrilled to actively participate in your big day, right now our finances do not allow us to. I'm sorry but we may have to just be 'guests' at your wedding instead."

I would speak with your brother, first. If they truly want you in the wedding, maybe they can help cover the costs of the clothing. I would definitely be firm on not ordering the kids outfits until next summer. You don't want to have to pay more for alterations and we all know how quickly they can grow.

Here's something to think about from what possibly is going on with her.
With regards to the cost of your dress, She is probably getting a discount on her dress by making you all order your dresses at the same shop, and if all orders for bridesmaid dresses aren't placed at the same time and same place, there may be a slight difference in color, the fabric will not come from the same dye-lot. I used to sell bridal gowns and bridesmaids dresses. Ask if she can push the order back, however if the dress is getting discontinued she may not be able to. She may also be getting pressured from the sales girl, which gets transfered to bridesmaids and especially family. She may be telling your future SIL that the dress may not be available after January, and this could be the dream dress, and the idea of finding a new one is frightening. You may have to suck it up and make the sacrifice for her with this one, but see if the shop has a payment plan as most do. This is a once in a lifetime thing for her and your brother so try to be empathetic.
Backing out of the wedding, unless you're pregnant, nursing, or have a medical reason is actually pretty mean and your relationship with her and then your brother will probably never be the same again.
You should get together with her one on one and talk to her. Adding to the pressure he's probably facing with her is not going to help if you talk to your brother about it. Sit her down and be honest about your felings about ordering for the kids so early, and find out why she needs this done now. You may get her to open up and find another perspective. This is one of the typical problems facing brides who insist on planning so far in advance. It may even help you two to develop a better relationship if she sees you trying to empathise with her.

How old are your kids? They are notoriously unpredictable at weddings. Does bridezilla want to take that chance? You could pick the oldest or most well behaved child and let him/her be in the wedding. My daughter was in a wedding and the bride made her dress....and I'm glad we didn't spend any money on it because she lasted all of 2 minutes at the wedding. They didn't tape it so I never saw the wedding as I was walking the hallways with my 2.5 year old.

I definately feel your frustration. It is really unreasonable to expect you to order everything so far in advance. Kids are very unpredictable as far as growing is concerned. As far as the other complaints, i don't think it is really your place to criticize. It is her wedding to your brother and it is their choice about things like what the dresses are to look like and what kind of shoes to wear. While you are welcome to offer your suggestions, it is insensitive to demand changes. If she choses to stick to her choices you simply have to explain to her or your brother that as much as you would like to participate, it simply isn't possible with those restrictions. and leave it at that. Don't make a big fight out of it and don't hold a grudge about it...it's not your wedding...if you can't make it work don't do it. And planning a wedding is stressful for so many reasons...different people handle that stress differently...she is just dealing with it her own way...as she has every right to...just as you have every right to decline to participate. good luck.

From the sounds of it, you need to ask yourself...how important is it for you to be in this wedding? I still don't get why it's expected for the bridesmaids to pay for a dress for someone elses wedding.

I don't think you can talk to your future SIL. I think you have to talk to your brother. I agree that it is pretty excessive to expect you to buy all the stuff a year in advance -- a lot of people don't even plan their weddings that far in advance -- and you should be given time to save up for the expense.

Stop and think about what you know about your future SIL -- is she usually reasonable? Is she just freaking out over the wedding? Maybe she wants everything perfect so far in advance because she's afraid that she or her fiance will back out of the wedding? Is she normally a total control freak about everything and unlikely to change? Think about this -- if you give in to her demands about the wedding, is it likely that she's going to be angry about something else? What I mean is -- is she the type of person that you are always going to have to appease in order to have a good relationship with her? Because if that's the case, don't worry about making her mad. You're going to make her mad no matter what you do.

Talk to your brother. Tell him that you don't have a problem with buying the stuff, you just plain can't afford it right now. You also have no way of knowing what size your kids will be next year (especially the youngest one). If you get the response that it's her way or no way, then go ahead and tell them you are sorry but you won't be able to be in the wedding. Then when the big day rolls around, give them a nice gift, have a nice time -- be as gracious as you can. I'm willing to bet that others will balk at the demands, too, so it probably won't come to that.