Bridal Shower HELP

I would send a nice notecard saying, "Sorry I won't be able to make it to your shower, but I look forward to seeing you on your special day." I would not even send a gift. You clearly are spending enough money just on going to the wedding, no one should expect you to give another gift.

However, you could always send a gift certificate to get a pedicure somewhere in her area. This would be something you know would get used as most women do their nails before their wedding. Just a thought:}

1 mom found this helpful

Hi C.,

I understand the financial crunch of attending an out of town wedding. Maybe, however, the invitation to the shower was a "we're thinking of you" invitation. I wouldn't feel obligated to attend or to send a gift for the shower. One gift when you go to the wedding is ample. Don't be irritated, even if it was a plea for another gift. I say, go celebrate their wedding with them guilt free. Have fun and offer your love and support.

We can only do what we can do. You can't control her intentions, but you can control your reaction. Don't let it irritate you or your whole trip will be ruined.

1 mom found this helpful

Hold on - the invitation said, "monetary gifts are appreciated"??? Seriously??? Whoa. I guess that stood out more than anything in your post - oh and that you give $200 wedding gifts because I need your address to invite you to any occasion I may have in the future! LOL!

I think it is very understandable that you are upset with the whole thing. If the wedding is a nice time of year to go back east and you can make a vacation of it, I would say continue with the wedding... I think I would just toss the shower invitation aside and pretend I never got it since you are making a huge effort and expense to go to the wedding. It is obviously nothing more than a request for a gift and I for one think that is tacky!

I have been in trouble before for actually NOT inviting someone to my baby shower because I didn't know them very well (my husband's cousin) so I always err on the side of being tactful and not looking for a free gift.

I guess if your husband and the groom are good friends still maybe he encouraged her to send you an invitation? It's totally your call, but I think a nice wedding gift is more than appropriate!

Hi C.,
I got married a few years ago and had invited some of my husbands friends wives. I knew that most wouldn't come, but I wanted to extend them the invitation to make them feel comfortable at my wedding. I figured that I would be seeing quite a few times throughout my life, and I wanted to get to know them a little bit. I was excited for the process and wanted to share it with everyone that I could. Maybe she is doing the same. Those that couldn't attend did send/or call to let me know that they were thinking of me and to extend the usual "if you need any help, let me know". It was comforting to know that we both had made that step to get to know each other in this new life that I was about to start.

Take a deep breathe, try not to be irritated. I know that spending a lot of money on someones elses wedding is difficult. Try not to hold a grudge against her when you arrive in NY.

I like the idea of a kind note letting her know that you can't make it, but you wish her well and can't wait for her wedding. At one time I wasn't able to attend a baby shower of a friends wife, but I did send her a small bouquet of flowers to let her know that I was thinking of her.

Good Luck, and enjoy NY

Hi C.. I think this was meant as a courtesy more than anything else...to let you know the date (and possibly the theme) of her shower. It might also be an opportunity for you to send a card or a modest gift for her to open on the day of her shower...just as an encouragement and a show of your support. I wouldn't take offense...and she probably will not be offended if you don't respond...but either way I doubt she expects you to actually come. This is just how I would take it. :)

C.,
I agree with you. Inviting you to a shower when you're half way across the country is greedy at the least. I would just RSVP with a little note saying you're coming in for the wedding and you'll see them then (if in fact you still are going). I was in the same situation--and it wasn't even close friends. Our younger sons are friends--that's it. I wondered if I needed to send a gift and my husband said "no". That was easy enough. I just wrote them a little personal note of congratulations. You are going above and beyond. Don't worry about it.
K.

It's possible she just wanted you to feel included. My friends and family are, at this point, all over the country and I always receive the invitations to the weddings, showers, etc. On more than one occasion the person sending it would note that they merely wanted me to know they thought about me and would have liked me to be able to attend. I have never thought it was merely to receive gifts. I can completely understand why you are reacting the way you are as frankly I'd be irritated too if I were spending a bunch of money to go to a wedding so far away, what with the economy being a bit stinky right now. :) I wouldn't take offense. It may be a wasted emotion.... I also wouldn't send a bridal shower gift. It doesn't sound like you even really know her. And would she really notice if you didn't? :)

I would just ignore the invitation. Show up at the wedding & give your gift of choice. She is not your buddy. Your husband's friend's fiance' that you only met 1 time is a far cry from a friend so you are right. It is for gifts & thats why you should just ignore the invite. =D

Hi C.-
I think you are being plenty generous with your wedding gift.. I don't think she meant to offend you, just include you.But...it's sad that this bride/groom don't have anything on their list less than $100.... there's no way the average family could afford to be their friends!
You can just ignore it, or send a reply "No, cannot attend" "See you at the wedding!" or something like that. You don't need to explain to her why you didn't send a gift... it's really not necessary.
Have fun on your trip!
T.

I totally understand your frustration. My guess is that since the guys are close, they didn't want to leave you out and hurt your feelings and they want you to feel included. I would skip on the bridal shower gift because it is costing you so much to go out there. When my husband's sister got married in FL right before we were to be out of the country for a month, it cost us a fortune as well not only in travel costs etc. but in time we had to take off work. So, I took that all into consideration in getting their gift and got them something nice, but rather in expensive. My feelings are that they need to figure out what's more important...expensive gifts or having their close friends and family at the wedding.

My youngest daughter recently got married. She sent invitations to people she knew could not come, but would like to have been included if they could.
Maybe she wanted to honor you with an invitation.
Or maybe she's being greedy.
Either way, you are only obligated to choose the attitude you can live with.
C.

My cousin is getting married back east and his fiancee whom I've never met sent me a shower invitation as well, knowing I would not be coming, it really is for gifts! I sent her a $25 giftcard for one of her registry's because everything was way out of my budget. In all honesty, you do not need to send her anything for the shower. I would give them a giftcard of $25-50 for the wedding gift as they have to realize you are paying a ton of money to fly out for the occasion. After we sent in our response card, the fiancee decides she doesn't want any children at her wedding, so my cousin calls to let me know my son (9mo) is not invited. He feels horrible, but he has to respect the bride's wishes to make her day as perfect as possible! I told him to take us off the list because we are no longer coming! All of our family will be at the wedding, so who would I have babysit? My husband offered to miss, but I said we will go as a family or not at all! So a part of me is angry I sent her a shower gift and they are certainly not getting a wedding gift now! Yes, I am irritated by this last minute decision, because you really need to decide this prior to mailing your invites! We were making a vacation out of our trip, planned around his wedding where family would be able to meet my son, and now I don't think that will happen which stinks! I can relate to your frustrations and they are completely normal!

I sent an invitation to my husband's sisters across the country, expecting that they wouldn't be able to make it. I did this not for a gift, but to be sure they knew they were welcome. I didn't want them to feel as though the invite wasn't out there just in case they wanted to come.

Is the bridal shower in New York or Arizona? If it's in New York, then you can decide if you want to be charitable and assume that the hostess doesn't know you are not close to the bride, or if you really think that the bride is just greedy and wants another gift shipped to her by a stranger. Either way, you already know you aren't going, so just send your regrets to the hostess. If her fiance is a really good friend of your husband, then send a gift that you feel good about giving -- that means, don't stick to the BB&B wishlist if it's too expensive.

You really should rethink your reasons for giving wedding gifts, too. It is definitely, in no way, ever, ever, ever, the obligation of a wedding guest to "pay back" the wedding couple (or their parents) for the evening. EVER. Weddings gifts are all about wishing the couple well. If you like the couple or their parents or relatives (whomever you know) then you will feel happy about giving a gift that is within your budget. If you ever feel resentful about giving a gift to a couple, then it's a signal that maybe that one wedding to avoid.

I would be irriated too, but it's not worth your time. Simply RSVP No and don't bother to send a shower gift. Have fun at the wedding in NY, sounds like a nice little vacation.

I say simplify. I assume that you and your husband are giving the bride and groom a wedding gift in addition to your going out to the wedding. You don't really know the bride, so I wouldn't feel bad at all about not giving a gift for a bridal shower that you won't be able to attend. In the long run, your husband's friend will be happy to see him, and won't be wondering about the gifts you got them. 2nd solution--if you haven't already gotten the wedding gift, split up the total money you'd spend for the wedding gift between the two. $100 per gift is still pretty generous.

I find the best way to live life is to believe others have good intentions. Assume the intention was to include you because of your husbands relationship with the groom. However it it not rude to send a decline to attend. Nor is it rude to not send a gift for the shower. You will be attending the wedding and sending a gift at that time, this is more than generous.

Hi,
It's possible that she just thought she was "including you just in case you happened to be in town" or she had been told that it was polite to invite all the ladies attending the wedding. Or, she just wants gifts but you can just act oblivious to that idea, say you will not be in town for the shower and leave it at that. I think $200 is incredibly generous for a wedding gift and I can not imagine buying a second gift on top of that. Good luck.

HI C., I'm curious to see what kind of responses you get to this. I will be getting married next year, and it will be both of our second (and last!) marriage. I'm not planning on asking for gifts since we live together and basically have everything. I'm sort of assuming by doing that, people will still give us a card with money or a gift cert or something like that. But I think you should just send a card and say you will be there for the wedding and looking forward to it! Good luck!

Just don't go to the shower, since you are going to the wedding and probably going to give them a gift then anyway. No sense in stressing about it - you don't know her very well anyway.

My husband and I live 2000 miles from "home," so I know what you mean. We constantly get invitations to things such as graduation parties, baby showers, wedding showers and weddings. We decided long ago that we would not send gifts for showers or graduation parties. We try to attend the weddings, but if we're unable to make it, we send a gift for the wedding. If I were you, I would not feel obligated to send a shower gift, especially since you're not really close to them. If you feel the need to send a gift, is there someone who could split the cost of one of the expensive shower gift? If not, maybe you could find something that is special from our great state of AZ (that's what we do for Christmas gifts). I completely understand your aggravation, and you are completely in the right to feel that way! Good luck with your decision!

Gift cards are always nice... but the initial shock of seeing the registery - will always be there until you take a deep breath... i have been in your shoes, its totally understandable, especially traveling so far to actually attend the wedding - So - Sorry cannot make it - Looking forward to the wedding ...and I am sure it won't matter when they see you at the wedding..

Good Luck, Safe journey!

It's kind of rude that they sent you a invite to the Bridal Shower and you don't even live there. I thought that it was only customery to send to people who live in the area and who you think mught come. You don't send an invite to every female i and out of State just trying to get more gifts, that's rude and per greed.
I wouldn't worry about sending a gift for the Bridal Shower, if you don't live where the Bride is, don't worry about it.
If you go to the Wedding, then you can get them a Wedding Gift and if you don't make it to the Wedding, you still send them something.
I never heard of being invited to a Bridal Shower and not living in the area to go.